[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

neandermagnon

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P.S.: @ neandermagnon: in the States, "job site" is common usage.

:Thumbs:

Interested in feedback on this:

The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.

This is very nicely written and puts vivid a picture in my head. However so far there's nothing really to hook me in terms of what's happening in the story. I suspect that you're starting a little too early. So far I've got an ordinary bedroom, a sunny day and a character who seems quite happy and excited about moving day. All very happy and ordinary. I expect that some of the feedback will focus on the potential issues with waking up openings, one of which being that they can be very bland and it can take too long for the actual story to get going (hence starting too early). Personally, I don't mind waking up openings if you've got an ordinary character waking up to something extraordinary, or an extraordinary (e.g. alien or something) character waking up on what is to them an ordinary day but to us it's highly unusual. But an ordinary character waking up happy on an ordinary day (moving house isn't that unusual) when the sun is shining is very bland. If it's not an ordinary day/world/housemove/etc, then I'd advise dropping a hint of that in the opening lines (though not in such a way as to disrupt the flow of the text - what you've got there IMO flows well). If it's ordinary but the story hasn't started yet, then maybe start a bit later. Or start where there's more going on than waking up, e.g. various hassles of getting furniture into the removals van, etc.

However please bear in mind that I don't know the genre or target audience, and if this type of opening is what's expected, then go with that.
 

Chase

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The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.

I don't mind a bit of personification to characterize the sun, but "of light" seems a tad too much since illumination is what our sun does :Sun:. Other than that tiny nitpick, I'd read on. I moved a little over a year ago and was excited. I feel your protagonist's. :greenie
 

shanthini

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This is very nicely written and puts vivid a picture in my head. However so far there's nothing really to hook me in terms of what's happening in the story. I suspect that you're starting a little too early.

Thank you for being kind about saying it's boring :) I tend to agree, but was hoping the moving part would at least pique some interest.

I wrote this many years ago and trunked it, then dug it out now to see if it could be redeemed. I think the opening was meant to be a sort of Kansas to Oz type of moment, where she's moving from a bland, boring place into a new life, but yeah ... starting with the boring part is boring (unsurprisingly). Maybe I am starting too early.
 

shanthini

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Other than that tiny nitpick, I'd read on. I moved a little over a year ago and was excited.

Thanks :) This is what I was hoping for. But it may be starting the story too early as mentioned above.
 

Woollybear

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I don't think you are--I really like how the sentences move to focus us visually, into the day's purpose. I'd strike one clause as unnecessary:

The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I 'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.
 

TeresaRose

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Interested in feedback on this:

The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.

- - - Updated - - -

Interested in feedback on this:

The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.

I like it; wouldn't change a thing.
 

Lakey

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Thanks :) This is what I was hoping for. But it may be starting the story too early as mentioned above.

Hello there! It’s hard to tell without more whether you are starting too early, but it’s worth considering. You’ve opened on the morning of moving day—the character is excited about it. Great! But how long is it before something that creates some tension happens? Maybe something will happen to dampen the excitement—maybe a telephone call comes in the next sentence before the character even finishes brushing her teeth. Or, maybe the move goes off without a hitch—she spends the morning cheerily assisting the movers, opens flops down contentedly on a sofa in her new home, and nothing happens that creates tension until she meets her new neighbor the next day.

In the former case, you probably aren’t starting too early; in the latter, maybe you are. :)

I was thinking of a novel I read not long ago that begins on moving day—Edith’s Diary, by Patricia Highsmith. What I recall is that it begins in the chaos of moving day—not in the morning quiet before the storm—and shows Edith in the midst of the chaos, trying to make sure everything’s happening the way it’s supposed to. There is lots of interiority about Edith and her family and how the move will affect her life. At some point in the scene Edith comes across the diary that gives the book its title, and that affords more opportunity for backstory and characterization. Anyway the point is not that this is a better moving-day opening than yours—I’ve described several pages here, not just three sentences. (I wish I had the book to hand so I could see what the first three sentences look like, but I don’t at the moment.) Rather I am offering an example of a moving day opening that uses the move as a tension source while establishing a ton of stuff about the protagonist and set the stage for the rest of the story. If your opening is doing that, you’re fine!

ETA: Never mind that; I checked, and I didn't quite remember correctly. The novel opens the night before the move, while Edith is still packing. Everything else I said is correct, but it's less relevant because it's not quite as close a parallel as I thought.

Mechanically, the writing is very good—I agree with Woollybear’s suggested edit.

:e2coffee:
 
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neandermagnon

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Thank you for being kind about saying it's boring :) I tend to agree, but was hoping the moving part would at least pique some interest.

I thought it was very nicely written, just a situation that I didn't find engaging. However as others don't feel that way, maybe it's just a matter of personal taste. I've moved house a lot (including once moving to Wales at very short notice, I think it was 24 hrs notice though I can't remember exactly, just remember trying to find digs very quickly and getting on a train) so maybe my threshold for finding a house move interesting is higher than average.

Any critique is one person's opinion and should be taken as such. Though obviously if you get lots of people tripping up over the same thing, that's an indication it's probably a writing issue rather than a personal taste issue.

I wrote this many years ago and trunked it, then dug it out now to see if it could be redeemed. I think the opening was meant to be a sort of Kansas to Oz type of moment, where she's moving from a bland, boring place into a new life, but yeah ... starting with the boring part is boring (unsurprisingly). Maybe I am starting too early.

That kind of thing can work. You can make the dullness in a dull setting a point of interest, as they did in the Wizard of Oz.
 
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shanthini

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I don't think you are--I really like how the sentences move to focus us visually, into the day's purpose. I'd strike one clause as unnecessary:

The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I 'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.

Thank you. I think you're probably right about the edit.

- - - Updated - - -

I like it; wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks :)
 

shanthini

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Hello there! It’s hard to tell without more whether you are starting too early, but it’s worth considering. You’ve opened on the morning of moving day—the character is excited about it. Great! But how long is it before something that creates some tension happens? Maybe something will happen to dampen the excitement—maybe a telephone call comes in the next sentence before the character even finishes brushing her teeth. Or, maybe the move goes off without a hitch—she spends the morning cheerily assisting the movers, opens flops down contentedly on a sofa in her new home, and nothing happens that creates tension until she meets her new neighbor the next day.

In the former case, you probably aren’t starting too early; in the latter, maybe you are. :)

Thanks. I think it might be a little of both, which makes it hard to judge. I appreciated the novel example you gave, even if it ended up not being exactly what you thought. In my book, you do learn a bit about the character through the move, but I don't know if the move is the only way to get that across. I could accomplish it with her unpacking at the new place. I'll probably try writing an alternate opening that starts a little later and see if I can work in what I want to about the dullness of the old place somehow, if it even matters anymore. I'll see which works better.
 

Glenn Writeweller

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Akitsushima - verdant, set in a fertile sea, dotted with fiery volcanos and deep valleys, rice farms and lofty castles. But in spite of its loveliness, death was everywhere, from the birthing chambers of the high born to the barren huts of the poor; cloaked in the freezing cold of winter and accompanying the warriors of the powerful sent to grasp yet more power.

Shigeru was defeated, driven forward by the Taira clan, into the wall that was the Suzuka Mountains, the Mountain of Spears.
 

Woollybear

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Hi Glenn!

I think you might consider dialing back on the world building so we are relating to something within those sentence before we are asked to visualize more.

Up to you--but this feels urgent to me, not welcoming and hook-y.

Upon reflection, removal of the proper names might be a neat trick. Try pulling out each proper name. How many can you get by without for the open?
 
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Tocotin

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Akitsushima - verdant, set in a fertile sea, dotted with fiery volcanos and deep valleys, rice farms and lofty castles. But in spite of its loveliness, death was everywhere, from the birthing chambers of the high born to the barren huts of the poor; cloaked in the freezing cold of winter and accompanying the warriors of the powerful sent to grasp yet more power.

Shigeru was defeated, driven forward by the Taira clan, into the wall that was the Suzuka Mountains, the Mountain of Spears.

I like this. "The birthing chambers of the poor" is what peaked my interest and got my hopes high. It is a good detail, evocative of the period, and followed by the picture of the barren huts, it sets a good contrast of warmth and cold, abundance and privation.

That being said, I agree with Woollybear that the number of proper names in this is a bit overwhelming. They might be familiar to some readers, but confusing to others. It's only 3 sentences, and you have 4 Japanese names in them... perhaps you could consider merging the first two sentences?

I like the use of Akitsushima – do you mean it as the old name for Honshu, or the poetic name for Japan? – and I think that the Taira clan places your story in a certain time period, which is good. But as for the other two... they raise some questions. I'd like to know who Shigeru is – a general? A feudal lord? Why not give him a last name? And why is the other name for the Suzuka Mountains "the Mountain of Spears"? Is it a mountain, or mountains? Is it a fictional mountain range, or the actual, real Suzuka Mountains in central Japan?

I would certainly read on. I'm writing about Japan myself, and I know how difficult it is to make the readers feel comfortable in the story. Good luck.

:troll
 
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JJ Litke

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The sun forces its way past the edges of the blinds, streaming narrow bars of light across the floor and onto my comforter. For once, I'm wide awake almost immediately and turn off the alarm without complaint. It's moving day.

I think Lakey makes a great point—how long before we get to tension? If the next few paragraphs are the character skipping down to eat breakfast where we meet the rest of the family, who all chat happily about the move while MC pours a bowl of Cheerios and chows down, you’ll risk losing reader interest (please don’t let it be the character going to the bathroom so they can look in the mirror and describe theirself). Even small tensions could keep us engaged for a bit, especially if we get a hint of the bigger problems to come.
 

neandermagnon

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Akitsushima - verdant, set in a fertile sea, dotted with fiery volcanos and deep valleys, rice farms and lofty castles. But in spite of its loveliness, death was everywhere, from the birthing chambers of the high born to the barren huts of the poor; cloaked in the freezing cold of winter and accompanying the warriors of the powerful sent to grasp yet more power.

Shigeru was defeated, driven forward by the Taira clan, into the wall that was the Suzuka Mountains, the Mountain of Spears.

I really like the 2nd paragraph and I'm inclined to think that you should start there. Don't feel that you need to explain things before you start. The first paragraph reads to me a bit like you're trying to cram as much setting info in as you can before starting the story. I think that some of this info will be shown through the narrative and other bits of info you can drip feed into the story as you go along. However the second paragraph stands on its own and is what drew me in. I really love the Mountain of Spears. I'd read on to find out who Shigeru is (are? - could be an entire army or people at this point - I'd want context to make this clear sooner rather than later) and the Taira clan and the mountains. But yeah, that line is great and you don't need any preamble or extra info before it.

BTW the stuff in the first paragraph is still interesting, just that second paragraph on its own drew me in and I think would be more powerful if it was the very first line.

In fact I'd say that the first bit reads more like a blurb to me.

Nitpick: not keen on the comma after "clan" but there are people here who are better at punctuation than me, so I'm not 100% sure it's wrong. If it was me, I'd remove it.
 

shanthini

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Akitsushima - verdant, set in a fertile sea, dotted with fiery volcanos and deep valleys, rice farms and lofty castles. But in spite of its loveliness, death was everywhere, from the birthing chambers of the high born to the barren huts of the poor; cloaked in the freezing cold of winter and accompanying the warriors of the powerful sent to grasp yet more power.

Shigeru was defeated, driven forward by the Taira clan, into the wall that was the Suzuka Mountains, the Mountain of Spears.

Hi. I like this, but the first paragraph really felt like voiceover narration for a documentary to me. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it didn't really pull me in either. I second what neandermagnon said about the second paragraph being a better starting point. You don't need the comma after "clan."

If you want to keep the first paragraph, I would end the second sentence with "death was everywhere" and delete the rest.

If you're keeping it as-is, I think you need a colon or an em dash to correct the punctuation.

But in spite of its loveliness, death was everywhere: from the birthing chambers of the high born to the barren huts of the poor; cloaked in the freezing cold of winter and accompanying the warriors of the powerful sent to grasp yet more power.
 

shanthini

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(please don’t let it be the character going to the bathroom so they can look in the mirror and describe theirself)

I literally laughed out loud at this. No, it's not that. There is some minor tension introduced through dealing with her pet, who she more or less inherited and doesn't get along with that well, as well as some exposition about her personality in dealing with other people.

I have some distance from this writing, so I'm not committed to keeping it. I've rewritten and added scenes throughout this novel, but I've kept the opening pretty much the same. When I read it now, though, it feels a little boring, and maybe doesn't match the rest of the book as much anymore. That's why the idea that I'm starting too early might make sense. That's not something I thought about before. Thank you for the feedback.
 

Chase

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Akitsushima - verdant, set in a fertile sea, dotted with fiery volcanos and deep valleys, rice farms and lofty castles. But in spite of its loveliness, death was everywhere, from the birthing chambers of the high born to the barren huts of the poor; cloaked in the freezing cold of winter and accompanying the warriors of the powerful sent to grasp yet more power.

Shigeru was defeated, driven forward by the Taira clan, into the wall that was the Suzuka Mountains, the Mountain of Spears.

Like other critiques, I'd feel better if the last sentence kicked off the novel rather than a dictionary definition. As much as some consider punctuation a personal preference, some of this throws me out of the reading. For instance, the semicolon in the middle sentence isn't how they work.
 

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*shiver*

I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.
 

Chase

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I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.

Yes, I'd read on to learn why he's leaving the abbey. Lots of subtle info in these three lines. Usually, I don't care for repeated words, especially "hads," but in this case, they lend a formal air. :greenie
 

neandermagnon

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*shiver*

I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.

There's a lot of intrigue going on. I'd read on to find out what the journey is and why the masters and students disapproved so much and also why he's ashamed of that disapproval (as opposed to being happily defiant). Also, I'm intrigued by the first line - why he's not been his own man for very long. I don't have any nitpicks. It reads smoothly and it's intriguing.
 

shanthini

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*shiver*

I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.

I would read on, but it does feel like very formal language. I'm curious about the journey and why everyone disapproves of it.

I deleted a couple words above that I stumbled over while reading: "the remembering of" just felt awkward to me.
 

janeofalltrades

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*shiver*

I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships, and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering memory of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.

Those are my only recommendations. Other than that it's good - it draws the reader in which is exactly what you want.