[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

CJSimone · Sep 28, 2020

Ravioli said:
Glass was shattering all around as Merle crawled over the scorching floor to avoid the smoke. The sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, the Akita had still heard the hoarse little mews, but all he heard now, was the sound of the world ending.

I'd read on some more to see what's happening. I think if you change "Glass was shattering" to "Glass shattered" it would give it a more immediate feel, which would serve this particular scene.

Best with it!

CJSimone · Sep 28, 2020

shanthini said:
Hello. I like the voice in the last line - it gives a better feel for the character. I'm one of the ones who liked your original first line, so I don't think this has as much impact. Is it important that it's September? Otherwise, might just start with "I strut..." My only question is, is it really running away if you do it all the time and your family expects you to come back (based on "asks the usual questions")?

Thank you! I'm going to ask around more about the first line before deciding what I should do.

If a teen runs away often they're classified as a "habitual runaway" (and sometimes the parents are seen as not being able to act as appropriate guardians and the youth is removed from the home).

Chase · Sep 28, 2020

Ravioli said:
Glass was shattering all around as Merle crawled over the scorching floor to avoid the smoke. The sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, the Akita had still heard the hoarse little mews, but all he heard now, was the sound of the world ending.

Nine uses of "the" in three lines seems excessive to me. Consider tweaks something like this reducing "the" to only two:

Glass shattered all around as Merle crawled over a scorching floor to avoid choking smoke. Sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, Akita still heard hoarse little mews, but all he heard now were sounds of the world ending.

I'd want to read on if this were less repetitive, but no matter what other revision you may make, no comma should go between "now" and "was" in the third sentence. :greenie

JJ Litke · Sep 28, 2020

CJSimone said:
The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I strut toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. In its case, my electric acoustic guitar hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away. I guarantee my family will ask the usual questions—where’d I stay, what’d I do, what trouble did I get into this time—but hell, I can’t remember half the days.

I think I preferred the first version’s opening. This first sentence is trying to do too much, making it weaker. And I can see that you’re painting a picture, but I can’t figure how the guitar case is hitting his backpack. The details about clothing, guitar, and backpack are nice, but don’t let them overwhelm the real hook, that he’s coming home after running away. All that said, I’d read a little more and see where this is going.

JJ Litke · Sep 28, 2020

Ravioli said:
Glass was shattering all around as Merle crawled over the scorching floor to avoid the smoke. The sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, the Akita had still heard the hoarse little mews, but all he heard now, was the sound of the world ending.

You guys are killing me with the “as” constructions. It’s connecting two clauses to show these actions happening at the same time—that wouldn’t be necessary if we weren’t starting in what feels like the middle of a scene. Is Merle an Akita? I’m not sure, again it feels like there’s too much info being packed in. I’d rather start ahead of this point so I know what’s going on and what’s at stake.

neandermagnon · Sep 29, 2020

Ravioli said:
Glass was shattering all around as Merle crawled over the scorching floor to avoid the smoke. The sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, the Akita had still heard the hoarse little mews, but all he heard now, was the sound of the world ending.

I think this would be more powerful with more context. I'm not keen on "glass was shattering" - I also prefer "glass shattered" for impact.

I don't get what's going on. I don't know if this is a housefire or if somewhere's been bombed or attacked with some other kind of weapon, if they're under gunfire etc (glass could shatter for all kinds of reasons). I'm confused about who/what Akita is - if this is Merle or someone else or maybe an organisation, gang, etc. It's not clear what's causing the sudden bursts of air. Is this wind fanning the flames or is something creating gusts of air? Also, I'm assuming that the hoarse little mews come from a cat but I'm not 100% certain.

There's a fine line between missing information creating intruigue and missing information causing confusion and for me this falls just on the wrong side of that line. It probably won't take much extra info to put it on the right side of the line. For me if the setting and what was happening was clearer (e.g. the kind of building Merle is in, is it under attack or is a housefire) and you clear up the Merle/Akita confusion, that may be enough to fix it. If other bits were clearer I'd read on to find out what's mewing.

I agree that "glass shattered" would be more impactful than "glass was shattering" but without being clear about what's going on (the fire/under attack thing again) I can't say for sure which one's better. "Glass shattered" implies it happened once while "glass was shattering" implies that different glass is shattering at different times while Merle is crawling across the floor.

CJSimone · Sep 29, 2020

Maybe the first line can stay if the rest is revised to make the voice more consistent? Or someone in a writer's group recommended the first line be placed at the end of the paragraph, which would maybe work?

Revision:

Summer’s dead and I’m back. I strut toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans, my electric acoustic guitar against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.

My family will ask the usual questions—where’d I stay, what’d I do, what trouble did I get into this time—but hell, I can’t remember half the days.

Woollybear · Sep 29, 2020

One of the pitfalls of first person is how self-referential it can appear. Look at first draft of first person from new writers, and then compare to polished draft of first person from a trade published writer.

TL;DR: To whatever extent you feel able, consider removing "I."

My family will ask the usual questions. "Where’d you stay, what’d you do, what trouble did you get into this time?" Hell, I can’t remember half the days.

CJSimone · Sep 29, 2020

Thank you JJ Litke and Woolybear for your helpful feedback!

I probably wouldn't have thought to do this, even though I do try to avoid too many uses of the word "I", and it's definitely an improvement: "Where’d you stay, what’d you do, what trouble did you get into this time?" Appreciate it!

JJ Litke · Sep 29, 2020

Woollybear said:
My family will ask the usual questions. "Where’d you stay, what’d you do, what trouble did you get into this time?" Hell, I can’t remember half the days.

Oh good suggestion, I like that.

neandermagnon · Sep 30, 2020

CJSimone said:
Summer’s dead and I’m back. I strut toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans, my electric acoustic guitar against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.

My family will ask the usual questions—where’d I stay, what’d I do, what trouble did I get into this time—but hell, I can’t remember half the days.

I really don't like the word "strut". I think the problem isn't which word you use (strut, stride) it's more that those are the sorts of words an omniscient narrator would use to describe a character, but not really the words that someone would use to describe themselves and what they're doing. Do you need to even say how he's moving? How would he describe what he's doing? If it was me I'd be thinking about what I'm doing (going home) not how I'm doing it (walking/striding/marching). The first part of the sentence reads to me much more like an ominscient narrator. Describing his clothes before his guitar - are his clothes more important to him than his guitar? Maybe they are. I'd expect to connect with him as a character a bit more rather than just a plain description of what he's wearing. Is his clothing influenced by a favourite guitarist? Is there a band he likes on the tank top? Is it part of his character that he's thinking about what he's wearing, or have you included it because you feel there ought to be a physical description at the start? I get that some things about the character's appearence needs to be described early on to avoid readers visualising it wrong, but in first person you get a bit of leeway to sneak it in among the character's internal experience.

The first and third sentence are nice and voicey and much more first person-y.

Another thing that may make the 2nd sentence more first person-y and less omniscient narrator-y might be to focus on how arriving home after being away feels. You've described him strutting (that gives the impression he's happy and confident and doesn't really care that he's been away) but the description is external, like I'm watching him do this, not like I'm in his head. In a first person narrative I want to feel like I'm in the character's head.

I'd read on for the repeated running away and the guitars.

DezDunn · Sep 30, 2020

Welp, here you go. Feel free to be brutally honest. I can take it. <3

Something or someone watches me, hidden by the suffocating darkness. I can feel it. That’s the worst part, knowing they are there, yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

Woollybear · Sep 30, 2020

DezDunn said:
Something or someone watches me, hidden by the suffocating darkness. (not sure what to imagine for suffocating darkness. Oppressive, like steamy and hot? total black and fearful? Bit more of an anchor here is one option.) I can feel it. (And another beat here would be welcome to expand on what it feels like. Often, when the viewpoint character discovers something, it is shared with the reader.) That’s the worst part, knowing they are there, yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

Hey Dez. IMO you can let this breathe outward a tad more. It has a spacey feel, like mind-bendy. While that's a great feature, I'd like a bit more attention to grounding, to balance that out. Otherwise I worry that I'm in for something very abstract.

YMMV and I'm only one datapoint.

DezDunn · Sep 30, 2020

Awesome. Thank you Woollybear, I love the input. Mind-bendy is pretty much what I am going for as the MC is chemically sedated, and the RI is trying to trying to speak into her mind to help her escape. I will work on it.

Ravioli · Sep 30, 2020

I wanted to say thanks for everyone's input, I appreciate it and implemented most of it. I just can't seem to quote people, having technical issues with AW. But thank you!

Chase · Sep 30, 2020

DezDunn said:
Something or someone watches me, hidden by the suffocating darkness. I can feel it. That’s the worst part, knowing they are there, yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

Wouldn't the first thought of the narrator be a person? Maybe: Someone . . . or something . . . hidden in the darkness watches me. I can feel it.

So far I'd read on and might even be able to forgive the third spacey sentence since I'm an avid reader of sci-fi/fantasy/horror. :greenie

DezDunn · Sep 30, 2020

Ooo, good point Chase. Man, this is why writers need other writers!

Kat M · Sep 30, 2020

DezDunn said:
Something or someone watches me, hidden by the suffocating darkness. I can feel it. That’s the worst part, knowing they are there, yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

Quite vague. I'm confused what "the eyes in the far reaches of my mind" means. Essentially, I don't have a feel for the character, setting, or anything at this point, so I don't know if I want to read on or not. I prefer more of a handle on what I'm dealing with here. Given an intriguing blurb, or by myself where I look at random spots on the book, I'd read on to see where this was going, but from the first three lines I wouldn't.

- - - Updated - - -

DezDunn said:
Something or someone watches me, hidden by the suffocating darkness. I can feel it. That’s the worst part, knowing they are there, yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

Quite vague. I'm confused what "the eyes in the far reaches of my mind" means. Essentially, I don't have a feel for the character, setting, or anything at this point, so I don't know if I want to read on or not. I prefer more of a handle on what I'm dealing with here. Given an intriguing blurb, or by myself where I look at random spots on the book, I'd read on to see where this was going, but from the first three lines I wouldn't.

CJSimone · Sep 30, 2020

Thanks so much neandermagnon! Good points. Still working on it.

neandermagnon · Oct 1, 2020

DezDunn said:
Welp, here you go. Feel free to be brutally honest. I can take it. <3

Something or someone watches me, hidden by the suffocating darkness. I can feel it. That’s the worst part, knowing they are there, yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

This has a lot of potential - it's creepy and intriguing.

I think "someone is watching me" would be more powerful. "something or someone" takes the reader away from the immediateness of the situation. Chase's suggested edit is definitely something to consider, but for me I think "someone" is enough. If it turns out to be a non-human, I wouldn't question it (sentient robots, predatory animals, supernatural beings, etc, could all be "someone"). I like the intrigue that you don't know what's watching him - that makes it super creepy and is a great hook. The reason why "is watching" is more powerful than "watches" is that "is watching" implies it's happening right now, while "watches" could be right now, or it could be a regular occurrence, e.g. "the guard watches the prisoners" versus "the guard is watching the prisoners" - first one implies it's the guard's job, the second it's happening right now.

"suffocating darkness" - I think I know what you're getting at - that total darkness that seems like it's right there in your face, almost solid, because you literally can't see a single thing - but suffocating implies something's stopping the character from being able to breathe easily. I also agree with woollybear that you can use more words to describe/expand it. I'm already hooked that someone's watching the character.

I like the short second sentence and the first part of the 3rd sentence. I'm not sure what the last bit of the 3rd sentence means. Is the character psychic, literally searching for whoever's watching them, using psychic abilities? Or is it referring to them thinking about who or what might be watching them? I think that needs to be clearer. Again, don't feel rushed to get too much into the first three sentences. Your hook's in the first sentence so you have room (so to speak) to expand on that a little. It's important that the situation is clear - the reader won't know what the character doesn't know, i.e. who or what is watching them, so you're can make the immediate situation (what the character does know) completely clear without spoiling the intrigue.

I'd read on at the hook in the first line. Whether the confusion of the 3rd line kicks me out of the story or not probably would depend on what mood I'm in and how much I want to read the book (as opposed to just randomly picking it up in a bookshop because it's there).

DezDunn · Oct 1, 2020

There is so much good info here to unpack! neandermagnon, I really appreciate your input.

Possible edit:

Someone is watching me, cloaked in the [blinding?/all encompassing] darkness. I can feel [it/the weight of their eyes]. That's the worst part, knowing they are there yet unable to find [them/the eyes] in the far reaches of my mind.

I know everyone has issue with "far reaches of my mind" here is some info incase anyone has a suggestion:
Thea, MC, has been chemically sedated to keep her from wreaking havoc with her terrifying abilities of the "soul sucking" variety. A guy, Bellamy, has the ability to reach into her mind after granted permission through physical touch. He's also being kept prisoner by her government, and is trying to save her/himself. She doesn't know she has granted him this access, she also doesn't know what is happening to her the majority of the time unless the sedation has started to wear off before being re-administered.

I hope that was the right amount of info... idk. Let me know if anyone has suggestions on how to improve the third sentence.

CJSimone · Oct 2, 2020

Maybe this revision works?

The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows. At my yard, I grip my custom-made guitar, shift the backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away. Summer’s dead and I’m back.

neandermagnon · Oct 4, 2020

CJSimone said:
The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows. At my yard, I grip my custom-made guitar and shift the backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away. Summer’s dead and I’m back.

I like this a lot. I've made an edit to make it flow better (and I think the comma I replaced wasn't in the right place, but I'm not the expert on punctuation). The voice is consistent in this one, and I think "summer's dead and I'm back" works better as a 3rd line than a first. It's kind of announcing his arrival back home after running away so I'd read on to find out what that was about. Also for guitars. Custom-made guitar is much better than the previous ones. It tells me more about him as a guitarist and that would make me read on.

neandermagnon · Oct 4, 2020

DezDunn said:
Someone is watching me, cloaked in the all encompassing darkness. I can feel the weight of their eyes. That's the worst part, knowing they are there yet unable to find the eyes in the far reaches of my mind.

I've selected the alternatives that I like best, but please remember that I am just one person and other people may have different opinions. I thought about the repetition of "eyes" and personally, I think the eyes are important enough to be mentioned twice. Others may disagree.

Regarding the explanation, you have the cover and blurb to give an idea of the genre, including whether the characters can be expected to have supernatural abilities, but that's it. If you have to explain things for the opening to make sense then that usually means you need to start earlier. I had this problem with one of my openings as I couldn't begin the story without going directly to a lot of backstory. Then I realised I was starting in the wrong place and the story should start a few days earlier in the character's timeline. I then wrote about three chapter's worth of story that I really like, and the new, earlier, opening worked much better. Another thing, your explanation is quite complex - is this story the second (or later) in a series? It sounds like a lot has already happened. If it's a stand alone or the first in the series, this also says to me that you may need to start earlier. I can't say for sure because I don't know the expectations of the genre you're writing in or how much you can infer via the cover/blurb. It can be effective to have some backstory trickled in as the story progresses. It's not always straight forward to figure out the best starting point.

You could consider starting with her being sedated rather than already sedated. A scene like that may give more opportunities to include important info about the situation. This is only one possible option.

CJSimone · Oct 5, 2020

neandermagnon said:
I like this a lot. I've made an edit to make it flow better (and I think the comma I replaced wasn't in the right place, but I'm not the expert on punctuation). The voice is consistent in this one, and I think "summer's dead and I'm back" works better as a 3rd line than a first. It's kind of announcing his arrival back home after running away so I'd read on to find out what that was about. Also for guitars. Custom-made guitar is much better than the previous ones. It tells me more about him as a guitarist and that would make me read on.

Thanks so much, neandermagnon!

[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

CJSimone

CJSimone

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

JJ Litke

People are not wearing enough hats

JJ Litke

People are not wearing enough hats

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

CJSimone

Woollybear

CJSimone

JJ Litke

People are not wearing enough hats

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

DezDunn

Woollybear

DezDunn

Ravioli

Crazy Cat Lady

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

DezDunn

Kat M

Ooh, look! String!

CJSimone

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

DezDunn

CJSimone

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

CJSimone