[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

Chase · Oct 22, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
First three sentances from my first novel NOT drawn from a screenplay.

Three sentances? Really? If the term means a set of words usually having a subject and predicate to form a complete thought, then I'm confused by a count of four. :greenie

Maddy Knight said:
My ’37 Plymouth Coupe was hung airborne just half way across the collapsing bridge, when I realized that I had never opened my life to look
inside. I had shaken it to guess the contents, of course, far too many times,
likely damaging whatever was in there. Fifty-five years earlier, when I was
just twelve, I started opening other people’s lives to look inside. There was a
very good reason for this.

My ’37 Plymouth Coupe was hung airborne ~~just half way~~ [halfway?] across the collapsing bridge, when I realized ~~that I had~~ [I'd] never opened my life to look inside. You had me with "'37 Plymouth Coupe" as my first car at sixteen was a '38 Chevy Coupe, which I can still see with all four tires recklessly off the ground. I have no idea how I lived to be seventeen.

~~I had~~ [I'd] shaken it to guess the contents, of course, far too many times,
likely damaging whatever was in there.

Fifty-five years earlier, when ~~I was just~~ [only] twelve, I ~~started opening~~ [opened] other people’s lives to look inside.

With or without suggested tweaks, I'd read on to see the Hawthorne Effect of how looking at those lives changed them. :greenie

TheKingsWit · Nov 15, 2020

Maddy Knight said:
First three sentances from my first novel NOT drawn from a screenplay.

My ’37 Plymouth Coupe was hung airborne just half way across the
collapsing bridge, when I realized that I had never opened my life to look
inside. I had shaken it to guess the contents, of course, far too many times,
likely damaging whatever was in there. Fifty-five years earlier, when I was
just twelve, I started opening other people’s lives to look inside. There was a
very good reason for this.

That opening sentence is such a strong start that I feel a bit let down when we immediately jump to introspection and flashback. If you spent more time grounding us in the scene, the moment, what the character is seeing/feeling/hearing/smelling before switching over to introspection, or even continued to mix the sensory imagery of the suspended car and the introspection, or perhaps started just before this moment to give it a bit of lead up, then you would have really piqued my curiosity. As it is, the opening 'scene' is so short that I don't have a chance to ground myself in the story before we move on, which makes that opening line feel unmoored, less impactful.

Beccorban · Nov 19, 2020

Okay, here goes nothing:

The Kingship Endurance slipped free of her moorings on the second bell of the mid watch, with none of the usual fanfare that ought to accompany an imperial vessel. Most of her shipboard lights were shielded, though her captain had allowed a single small lantern for the benefit of the helmsman. It was also a signal, for the Endurance was being watched, and not all eyes in Lamsway were friendly.

josephperin · Nov 19, 2020

Beccorban said:
Okay, here goes nothing:

The Kingship Endurance slipped free of her moorings on the second bell of the mid watch, with none of the usual fanfare that ought to accompany an imperial vessel. Most of her shipboard lights were shielded, though her captain had allowed a single small lantern for the benefit of the helmsman. It was also a signal, for the Endurance was being watched, and not all eyes in Lamsway were friendly.

Am intrigued by the scenario but feel the sentences lack pizzazz.

Crude edit from me:

The Kingship Endurance slipped free of her moorings on the second bell of the mid watch, with only a single small lantern for the benefit of the helmsman. Not all eyes watching (from?) in Lamsway were friendly.

neandermagnon · Nov 19, 2020

Beccorban: (sorry quote function's not working this morning) I like it, I'm intrigued as to why a King's ship would be sneaking off like that and who they are signalling to. I'd read on to find out.

I'm not clued up enough to know what time of day "second bell of mid watch" is but I'm assuming it's night time because the lights were shielded, and there wouldn't be much point shielding them in daylight. So the picture I get is that they're sneaking off at night - an intriguing opening.

Beccorban · Nov 20, 2020

Thanks for taking the time to read and amend.

With my version, I was trying to go for a slightly older type of writing - i.e. appropriate to the 18th century kind of vibe. Does it work better knowing that or do you still think it should be snappier?

Bing Z · Nov 20, 2020

The Kingship {according to both Oxford & Cambridge, kingship (one word) = being king; yet this is a king's ship (or imperial/royal ship); you are trying to capitalize a known word to give it a new meaning... can be problematic esp being the 2nd word of your book} Endurance slipped free of her moorings on the second bell of the mid watch, with none of the usual fanfare that ought to accompany an imperial vessel. Most of her shipboard lights were shielded, though her captain had allowed a single small lantern for the benefit of the helmsman. It was also a signal, for the Endurance was being watched, and not all eyes in Lamsway were friendly.

I am fine with the first two sentences, even though I think they are a bit wordy. The third... if there is one single lantern and the ship is being watched (by hostile eyes), then the first two lines have become moot, no?

With my version, I was trying to go for a slightly older type of writing - i.e. appropriate to the 18th century kind of vibe. Does it work better knowing that or do you still think it should be snappier?.

I got this feel, not the vibe that the setting was 18c, but the prose style. And I had that feeling you were aiming for a particular set of audience.

Beccorban · Nov 20, 2020

Thanks for your kind words. That's good to hear. I'm certainly having a lot of fun writing it.

The second bell of the mid-watch equates to about one o'clock in the morning.

Beccorban · Nov 20, 2020

Yes, I had King's Ship before, but this is a fantasy setting so I wanted to try the combined version. You might be right, though, if it's causing confusion.

As for your notes on the first two sentences being moot, I'm sorry but I don't follow. Maybe I need another coffee!

I'm glad you got the feeling for the prose style.

- - - Updated - - -

Yes, I had King's Ship before, but this is a fantasy setting so I wanted to try the combined version. You might be right, though, if it's causing confusion.

As for your notes on the first two sentences being moot, I'm sorry but I don't follow. Maybe I need another coffee!

I'm glad you got the feeling for the prose style.

Lakey · Nov 20, 2020

The Kingship Endurance slipped free of her moorings on the second bell of the mid watch, with none of the usual fanfare that ought to accompany an imperial vessel. Most of her shipboard lights were shielded, though her captain had allowed a single small lantern for the benefit of the helmsman. It was also a signal, for the Endurance was being watched, and not all eyes in Lamsway were friendly.

I rather like this; it paints a clear and interesting picture. It might be a little wordy, but I think it suits the style. I guess my one caution about that is: Watch out that you don’t abuse the filigreed style and get too carried away with it.

Also, I do hope there is a character relatively soon. This is such an evocative bit of scene-setting that it’s all right to start without one, but if it goes on too long, the combination of the affected style and the absence of a character could get tiresome.

:e2coffee:

Beccorban · Nov 20, 2020

Thanks so much for your feedback.

'Filigreed style' is such a great way of explaining. This does start to loosen up as you get the know people more - the first character is introduced in about three more lines time.

micahkolding · Nov 25, 2020

From my WIP, Through the Plot Hole:

Living in an animated musical is a strange experience. When you're aware of such things only as an observer, it's easy to speculate that the frequent lyrical interludes aren't diegetic, that they're simply a fanciful filter through which an audience perceives the intense emotion of the characters. But then you find yourself stuck in one and discover that, yes, your new neighbors do in fact break out into song and dance on a fairly regular basis.

Tramp · Nov 25, 2020

micahkolding said:
From my WIP, Through the Plot Hole:

Living in an animated musical is a strange experience. When you're aware of such things only as an observer, it's easy to speculate that the frequent lyrical interludes aren't diegetic, that they're simply a fanciful filter through which an audience perceives the intense emotion of the characters. But then you find yourself stuck in one and discover that, yes, your new neighbors do in fact break out into song and dance on a fairly regular basis.

Okay, I think this is very 'hooky' and that's a good thing! It begs the question of how the narrator, an obviously educated, observant one, has become "stuck" in a musical. I particularly like the voice of the piece so far. I would continue to read.

If I have nit to pick, I dislike having to look up words used in first paragraph, must less the first several sentences, in a novel. It would make me, as a reader, feel I might not be up for the journey without a dictionary app close by. I confess that my education is limited enough that I had to look up diegetic.

Tramp · Nov 25, 2020

WIP: The Geronimo Solution (SciFi/Historical Fiction)

At noon on the twelfth day of John McAllister’s freedom, he rode the big mare into Tucson. All six-feet-and-an-inch of him was covered in white trail dust, making his black, oversized mustache and two weeks growth of beard look salt and pepper gray and his horse, a deep bay, appear almost a dun. He was long past being saddle-weary.

neandermagnon · Nov 25, 2020

micahkolding said:
From my WIP, Through the Plot Hole:

Living in an animated musical is a strange experience. When you're aware of such things only as an observer, it's easy to speculate that the frequent lyrical interludes aren't diegetic, that they're simply a fanciful filter through which an audience perceives the intense emotion of the characters. But then you find yourself stuck in one and discover that, yes, your new neighbors do in fact break out into song and dance on a fairly regular basis.

I also don't know what "diegetic" means and I can't figure it out from the context. The second sentence nearly put me off (and I still don't know what it means) however the 3rd sentence is great and I'd read of for neighbours randomly bursting into song and dance on a regular basis. I would be inclined to forgive the 2nd sentence and read on based on the first and third.

Bufty · Nov 25, 2020

Hi, micahkolding,

I may be that I'm abnormally thick but I found these opening sentences quite a mouthful and had to read them twice before I grasped what I think is the intended meaning. I feel it could be trimmed and achieve more clarity.
I don't honestly follow it completely because diagetic as I see it means that it's heard by the participants, so either the music is diagetic or it isn't. Not sure I get the point of the last sentence or its connection to the previous ones. If it's a musical they would be expected to break out into song and dance- no?

And, yes- I had to look up that diagetic. :flag:

Not sure how helpful I've been here. :Hug2:

Good luck.

micahkolding said:
From my WIP, Through the Plot Hole:

Living in By 'living in' do you mean as a cast member?an animated musical is a strange experience. When you're aware of such things what things? only as an observer, it's easy to speculate that? the frequent lyrical interludes aren't diegetic, that they're you could replace ', that they're' with a 'but' simply a fanciful filter through which an audience perceives the intense emotion of the characters. But then you find yourself stuck in one and discover that, yes, your new neighbors do in fact break out into song and dance on a fairly regular basis.

neandermagnon · Nov 25, 2020

Tramp said:
At noon on the twelfth day of John McAllister’s freedom, he rode the big mare into Tucson. All six-feet-and-an-inch of him was covered in white trail dust, making his black, oversized mustache and two weeks growth of beard look salt and pepper gray and his horse, a deep bay, appear almost a dun. He was long past being saddle-weary.

This is a very interesting start. I like the description. One nitpick: at first it wasn't clear if you were describing the man or his horse, then it looked like you were describing the man (not clear if he's still on horseback as you mention "all six feet and an inch of him") and then you're describing the man and his horse. That wouldn't stop me reading on though.

Bufty · Nov 25, 2020

Tramp said:
At noon on the twelfth day of John McAllister’s freedom, he rode the big mare into Tucson. All six-feet-and-an-inch of him was covered in white trail dust, making his black, oversized mustache and two weeks growth of beard look salt and pepper gray and his horse, a deep bay, appear almost a dun. He was long past being saddle-weary.

I had the same reaction as neandermagnon.

Suggest you consider omitting 'the big mare' from that first sentence. :snoopy:

I wonder why I need to know his exact height at this stage when he is apparently in the saddle.

micahkolding · Nov 25, 2020

Thanks, all; I'm keeping "diegetic", since themes of the diegesis are salient throughout the story, but I can see how the second sentence is structured poorly and is probably throwing people off.

Tramp said:
At noon on the twelfth day of John McAllister’s freedom, he rode the big mare into Tucson. All six-feet-and-an-inch of him was covered in white trail dust, making his black, oversized mustache and two weeks growth of beard look salt and pepper gray and his horse, a deep bay, appear almost a dun. He was long past being saddle-weary.

This might be a personal taste matter, but I'm taken out of a story when it's clear that the narration is slipping in a description dump. Your paragraph is multi-tasking, which not only makes an audience have to piece together the character's appearance while simultaneously figuring out what's going on, but also forces you to overload your sentences with adjectives. I'd start off setting the scene, then follow it with a paragraph that's fully devoted to describing McAllister.

Tramp · Nov 25, 2020

HI MicahKolding, Thanks for the feedback.

Tramp · Nov 25, 2020

Thank you, Bufty! That's exactly why I need the feedback.

Tramp · Nov 25, 2020

Hi neanermagnon,

Thanks for the feedback. Since three crits point out the same thing I have taken another look at it and have to concede your points. I think I'm guilty of 'packing', of trying to get too much in too soon. I may move some of the descriptors a bit later in the text.

Best,
Tramp

micahkolding · Nov 25, 2020

From WIP #2, titled Athergad: the Player's Handbook.

Every so often, when Gilbert Griffon would look out into the unfathomable majesty of the night sky, he would realize just how unimportant he was. He found this notion to be absurdly comforting, and would often take measures to look out into unfathomable majesties just to keep himself from freaking out.

The darkness he now found himself in, however, had the opposite effect.

Bufty · Nov 26, 2020

Maybe just me but I'm afraid I don't get this. I'm not sure where I am or what these other unfathomable majesties are. It also seems a tad wordy to me.

Look 'out' may suggest he's in a space capsule or similar, I guess, and the majesties could be skies or stars surrounding other planets, but a precise location doesn't immediately spring to mind.

The 'opposite effect' is a long way from 'absurdly comforting' if that's the initial effect it's supposed to refer to. But maybe it refers to his thinking how unimportant he was - I'm not sure.

micahkolding said:
From WIP #2, titled Athergad: the Player's Handbook.

Every so often, when Gilbert Griffon would look out into the unfathomable majesty of the night sky, he would realize just how unimportant he was. He found this notion to be absurdly comforting, and would often take measures to look out into unfathomable majesties just to keep himself from freaking out.

The darkness he now found himself in, however, had the opposite effect.

Lakey · Nov 26, 2020

micahkolding said:
From WIP #2, titled Athergad: the Player's Handbook.

Every so often, when Gilbert Griffon would look out into the unfathomable majesty of the night sky, he would realize just how unimportant he was. He found this notion to be absurdly comforting, and would often take measures to look out into unfathomable majesties just to keep himself from freaking out.

The darkness he now found himself in, however, had the opposite effect.

This has a sort of Douglas Adams vibe; I get the impression that I’m in for a rather light-hearted, somewhat absurd adventure. If that’s what you’re going for, nicely done! The challenge of this kind of writing, I think, is evoking the flavor of this kind of roundabout elocution without overdoing it and veering into the verbose. I think you might need to do some very fine editing on this, to keep the bits that are enhancing the voice, while losing the bits that are only inflating the word count without really adding anything. Here are a few suggestions; you might not need to take all of them to reduce the flabbiness while preserving the flavor.

—
~~Every so often~~ Sometimes, when Gilbert Griffon ~~would look~~ looked out into the unfathomable majesty of the night sky, he ~~would realize~~ realized ~~just~~ how unimportant he was. He found this ~~notion to be~~ absurdly comforting, and would often ~~take measures to~~ look out into unfathomable majesties just to keep himself from freaking out.

—

I changed “Every so often” to “Sometimes” in part because you use “often” right in the next sentence, and it seems more useful there. I cut one of the “justs” for a similar reason. Also, regarding “looked out” — if Gilbert is actually inside somewhere, looking out an aperture or a window, this is fine; but if you really just mean that he’s staring into the sky, I would cut “out” from both instances. (Note that if you leave it in, your second sentence has “look out...freaking out” which is an echo you might not want.)

:e2coffee:

[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

TheKingsWit

Beccorban

josephperin

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Beccorban

Bing Z

illiterate primate

Beccorban

Beccorban

Lakey

professional dilettante

Beccorban

micahkolding

Tramp

Tramp

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

micahkolding

Tramp

Tramp

Tramp

micahkolding

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Lakey

professional dilettante