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First 2 sentences are enough to reel me in. 3 is a bit meh for me - reiterates what has been said in 1 & 2.
[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel
- Thread starter amergina
- Start date
First 2 sentences are enough to reel me in. 3 is a bit meh for me - reiterates what has been said in 1 & 2.
"I woke up and I couldn’t move.
I didn’t really want to move though. The bed was soft and warm, but the rest of the room was valiantly fighting off the heat from outside."
Hmm, I'm quite proud of the first sentence, but this exercise makes the next two seem kind of weak.
I didn’t really want to move though. The bed was soft and warm, but the rest of the room was valiantly fighting off the heat from outside."
Hmm, I'm quite proud of the first sentence, but this exercise makes the next two seem kind of weak.
Hi, welcome! 
I see you're new around here. I don't know how you like your crits, so fair warning: I'm going to be nitpicky and then tie myself in knots equivocating afterward.
"They" say if you start with waking up, make it clear right away that this is an out-of-the-ordinary situation. I don't know if your first paragraph/200 words takes care of that, or if the next step is getting out of bed and throwing on a bathrobe and making a cup of coffee. But from these three sentences, everything seems perfectly ordinary, except perhaps the heat from outside. As I keep re-reading, I wonder if not being able to move is a symptom of something serious (illness/alien invasion/roof collapse, etc.) but on a first read I wouldn't stop to think of that.
What's unique about this situation?
I see you're new around here. I don't know how you like your crits, so fair warning: I'm going to be nitpicky and then tie myself in knots equivocating afterward."They" say if you start with waking up, make it clear right away that this is an out-of-the-ordinary situation. I don't know if your first paragraph/200 words takes care of that, or if the next step is getting out of bed and throwing on a bathrobe and making a cup of coffee. But from these three sentences, everything seems perfectly ordinary, except perhaps the heat from outside. As I keep re-reading, I wonder if not being able to move is a symptom of something serious (illness/alien invasion/roof collapse, etc.) but on a first read I wouldn't stop to think of that.
What's unique about this situation?
Thank you for the feedback! The next paragraph makes it clear that the main character can't move because she is possessed by a demon. From there on the demon's normal morning routine is spiced up by including an argument with the narrator and the knowledge that they are getting ready to go out and kill someone. I'm hoping that's enough to excuse the dreaded waking up cliche but do you think I should rewrite and add in a little more excitement?
The mention of hot weather is supposed to help establish that it's summer, and it's later revealed to be the summer solstice actually. I use the weather throughout the manuscript to accentuate the passage of time. Also, I live somewhere where hot weather is the norm at any time of day, and might have unintentionally let that affect my idea of the weather in my manuscript.
The mention of hot weather is supposed to help establish that it's summer, and it's later revealed to be the summer solstice actually. I use the weather throughout the manuscript to accentuate the passage of time. Also, I live somewhere where hot weather is the norm at any time of day, and might have unintentionally let that affect my idea of the weather in my manuscript.
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First impressions: waking up unable to move reminds me of having sleep paralysis (which is terrifying, at least the first time... after a while it's "oh, this again...") but the character doesn't seem scared. Whether the reason for being unable to move is sleep paralysis or anything else, being awake and unable to move is terrifying. I don't get that sense of terror. Or any sense of "oh no not again" if it's happened often enough for the character not to be scared.
I don't get what you mean about the room valiantly fighting off the heat from outside.
After reading your later comments: the thing of being possessed by a demon is more interesting than waking up and musing about the weather. If you can convey some kind of emotion about the character waking up and being unable to move I think that would make it a lot more gripping. The thing is, you've got the character waking up unable to move - potential hook - followed by saying how warm and cosy the bed is. Any potential threat from the first sentence is neutralised.
I still don't totally get the bit about the weather. Currently it's winter and I live in the UK so hot weather is far from my mind right now and probably that's not helping but I have lived in a hot climate, and I think I'd say that the air conditioning and ceiling fan was valiantly fighting off the heat from outside rather than the actual room. Even if the room's well insulated. I have a tendency to take things literally so it could just be me that takes it that way, but on the other hand clarity is important and I think that bit of the sentence lacks clarity.
I think you potentially have a great hook with a little reworking.
To answer your question, it's hard to tell from three sentences. If I saw your first 200 (that's a different thread) I might be able to answer it better (just one reader's perspective of course). I like the idea of what you've described, for sure. Once you get to 50 substantive posts you'll have the option to post a longer excerpt for feedback and we can take a look at that.
Re. the weather—it depends, as I'm sure you know, on setting. If it's summer solstice in somewhere like Dallas, then that's realistic. If it's summer solstice up here where moss grows between our toes, it's going to be cold and probably wet! So that could easily be just me as a reader.
So after reading about the demon, I think perhaps you could make this first passage stronger.
Why does it feel like your MC can't move? Frozen in place? Body won't respond to commands? It comes off as any typical "ugh morning I have to wake up and I can't move". You can make it more impactful which will hook the reader.
Also, if I was possessed the weather would be the last thing on my mind.
ldlago
Banned
The doorbell chimed as Claudia Bruno raised a scalding nip of fresh black coffee to her lips. She set the cup down carefully, hastened from her kitchen to the hall and opened the door. A balding, fiftyish gentleman, half-tail of his partially untucked shirt flapping against his wrinkled khaki pants, barreled past her to the living room, plopped unceremoniously on her flowery indigo sectional and dropped a manila folder on a glass top cocktail table arranged between two matching blue leather loungers.
There are a lot of descriptors in that last sentence. I’d consider cutting some things out or making into several sentences.
As Turbulent Muse points out, you have a lot of adjectives (and phrases serving as adjectives), not just in the last sentence but throughout. Take a look:
(I highlighted a couple of adverbs too.) The overall effect of this is dragging down the pace of what the verbs suggest is a swift, startling event — the man “barrels” past with his shirt tails “flapping” and “flops” in a chair. You’ve used verbs very well to suggest that motion, and then bogged it down in a quagmire of adjectives.
Try cutting them all and then put back only the ones that are really critical to the work you need these opening sentences to do. Think about it from your POV character’s POV: When a strange man barges into her house, would she really be thinking about the flower print on her sectionals or how the cocktail table was arranged relative to the loungers?
All of that said, I am grabbed by the content of the opening: I want to know who this dude is and why he has barged into this poor woman’s living room!
(I highlighted a couple of adverbs too.) The overall effect of this is dragging down the pace of what the verbs suggest is a swift, startling event — the man “barrels” past with his shirt tails “flapping” and “flops” in a chair. You’ve used verbs very well to suggest that motion, and then bogged it down in a quagmire of adjectives.
Try cutting them all and then put back only the ones that are really critical to the work you need these opening sentences to do. Think about it from your POV character’s POV: When a strange man barges into her house, would she really be thinking about the flower print on her sectionals or how the cocktail table was arranged relative to the loungers?
All of that said, I am grabbed by the content of the opening: I want to know who this dude is and why he has barged into this poor woman’s living room!
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The fact he has barged into her living room suggests he knows her. If so, she wouldn't see a 'balding 50ish gentleman', she would see 'Jeff' or whatever his name is.
And I'd replace 'scalding' with 'hot' (if you need an adjective there at all). You don't want to drink anything that's actually going to scald you!
Interesting start though
And I'd replace 'scalding' with 'hot' (if you need an adjective there at all). You don't want to drink anything that's actually going to scald you!
Interesting start though
ldlago
Banned
But if this is the opening I have none of that background.
The stage is set by the initial images I get from your first three sentences and those images are, to me at least, clouded by an excess of adjectives.
Adjectival issue apart, if Claudia knows who is at her door, your third sentence could considerably enhance this potentially intriguing opening by naming the gentleman instead of breaking the created atmosphere by describing him.
The stage is set by the initial images I get from your first three sentences and those images are, to me at least, clouded by an excess of adjectives.
Adjectival issue apart, if Claudia knows who is at her door, your third sentence could considerably enhance this potentially intriguing opening by naming the gentleman instead of breaking the created atmosphere by describing him.
ldlago
Banned
ldlago
Banned
It's usually preferable to reveal backstory in small amounts.
The point here is does Claudia know who he is when she opens her door?
If she does, and you are in her POV, he should be named at that point instead of described.
The point here is does Claudia know who he is when she opens her door?
If she does, and you are in her POV, he should be named at that point instead of described.
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ldlago
Banned
You are welcome. My background reference was that your quoted context/background/backstory/history/ is not available at the time of reading these opening sentences.
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This is potentially an intriguing start but I concur with the others in that the most intriguing details are bogged down with too many adjectives. I also agree that the man should be named, for the same reasons that Bufty and BrumBall gave.
I may be wrong (please disregard all of this if I'm off the mark) but it reads like you're either describing the scenery in a screenplay, or that you are trying to convey an exact picture in the reader's mind, and that this is what's led to having too much description and detail in the sentences. You don't need to do that. The advantage of a novel over a film is that you can get right inside character's heads and show their inner world.
Also the 2nd sentence is all stage direction (describing what a character is doing blow by blow rather than saying "she went to get the door") - there's nothing wrong with it as a sentence and stage direction can add tension, but too much of it can really slow down the narrative. At the moment what you've got is already too slowed down. It's not a bad sentence though and would be fine if you reduce all the excessive description in the other places. My point is that the stage direction isn't compulsory. Saying "she went to get the door" puts it more in the background so readers can focus on the man who rushes in - who is very intriguing, so you want him to stand out.
Describing the furniture the way you did because this is something Claudia's daughter sees as evidence that Claudia's abandoned the cause doesn't come across that way because at this point, the daughter and the conflict between mother and daughter hasn't been introduced yet. But you can bring characterisation into description by choosing words that your main character might use. If you want to stick with using Claudia's furniture choices as a point of conflict with her daughter, you could use that and introduce the daughter at the same time:
The doorbell chimed when Claudia Bruno had just picked her (brand/type of coffee) from the coffee table her daughter (name) once dubbed "petit bourgeoisie tat appropriated from the workers". She went to get the door. Robert Mencken barrelled past her into her living room, untucked shirt flapping behind him. He plopped unceremoniously on her sofa and dropped a manila folder onto the petit bourgeoisie tat appropriated from the workers.
NOTE: this is not a suggestion for what you should write. I just wanted to show what I mean about bringing characterisation into how you describe what's in the room. It will be much better in your words with your voice and what you know about your characters.
Basically, don't constrain yourself to visual descriptions of every detail. Try to get inside your character's head.
Also the thing of the man rushing into the house like that with a folder is very intriguing. I'd read on to find out more about him and what's in the folder.
Coming to a stop as the rustling of the leaves above faded, the lone hunter crouched by the base of a large oak as the forest grew quiet around her. Glancing around, she let out a silent sigh of relief. To her right and in front of her, a large mixed patch of Rat's Bane and Localla created a green and brown screen that promised pain and death to anything that tried to attack her, while patches of the two notorious plants elsewhere helped protect her back and left side.
I think it would be better to start with the main clause of the first sentence. The first clause is a bit confusing because I don't know who or what is coming to a stop or why leaves would be rustling above them. When I get to the 2nd clause, I know who's come to a stop but the rustling of the leaves still doesn't make sense yet. Clarity is really important, especially right at the start. You might want to consider omitting the first clause altogether. "The lone hunter crouched by the base of a large oak as the forest grew quiet around her" would be a lot more impactful as a first line for me. Even better if you name her. I prefer the protagonist to be named right from the start. You've already got plenty of unanswered questions to create intrigue - there's a danger of it becoming too vague if you leave out too much important information.
I'm not familiar with Rat's Bane or Localla, but from the context it's clear that they are toxic plants. So that is conveyed well.
I would read on to find out who or what she's hiding from.
Thanks for the suggestion. I admit that I'm still working on this story but I will happily consider any and all suggestions sent my way.
mikepellegrini
Registered
One of the immutable laws of the universe seems to be that the losers all congregate in certain places, no matter where you go. The junkies, the hookers, the pimps, the thieves, the street dealers, the down and out alcoholics, the drag queens, the failed bankers and jilted housewives, the defrocked priests and disbarred attorneys – all the downtrodden masses, miscreants, losers and misfits gravitate towards the same sorts of places, even in different locales.
Now whether this is truly a natural law or rather some unwritten agreement among the participants is still unknown.
Now whether this is truly a natural law or rather some unwritten agreement among the participants is still unknown.