[PLEASE READ FIRST POST] Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel

josephperin

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 9, 2015
Messages
732
Reaction score
141
*shiver*

I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.
Don't sentences #1 and #2 contradict? Otherwise, mildly interested and would read the next para to see what's happening.
 

CJSimone

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
1,387
Reaction score
497
*shiver*

I had not been my own man for long enough to regret my decisions. I had persevered through hardships and was proud of how far I’d already traveled. Yet the remembering of the roar of disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.

I'm interested. I like the first sentence. The second sentence feels vague and telly to me. Maybe you could get more specific or even combine it with the third sentence. If I'm understanding things correctly, something like: Yet as proud as I was of ___, remembering the roar of the disapproval from the masters and other students at the abbey when I announced this journey still made me flush with shame.

Well done with your hook - I'm curious both about these decisions he was too naive to regret and the journey that the others are so strongly disapproving of.

Best,

CJ
 

CJSimone

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
1,387
Reaction score
497
These are the opening three of my WIP, a YA suspense. Thanks for any feedback!

Summer’s dead and I’m back. The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. My guitar case bounces at my side, hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.
 

Bing Z

illiterate primate
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 3, 2008
Messages
3,787
Reaction score
998
Location
New Jersey
Summer’s dead and I’m back. The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. My guitar case bounces at my side, hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.

Would read on, but:

1) I do not think you need the first sentence. The second tells all about the first. Besides, 'summer's dead' had me paused to think if it means a girl named Summer was dead or had Summer passed.

2) Suggest you twist the description of the attire a bit so it is certain if the MC is male or female.
 

ladyfickle

Registered
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
41
Reaction score
3
Location
Bulgaria
Hi, all! This is how my novel is going to start. I appreciate your comments!

Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris?

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light. People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.
 

Bing Z

illiterate primate
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 3, 2008
Messages
3,787
Reaction score
998
Location
New Jersey
Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris? {right here, I went to google about this (is this your intent?) Anyway, according to a Readers Digest article dd Jan 6 2020, there isn't even one stop sign now in Paris.}

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light. People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.

This reads more like a tourist article or blog post than a story. Why didn't you slip your character into the fancy coffee sight in the City of Light?
 

ladyfickle

Registered
Joined
Jul 22, 2015
Messages
41
Reaction score
3
Location
Bulgaria
Bing Z, to answer your question - I wanted to start with a setting. But I am glad there is new information on the subject:)
 

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 25, 2014
Messages
7,271
Reaction score
9,330
Location
Dorset, UK
Summer’s dead and I’m back. The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. My guitar case bounces at my side, hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.

British opinion: if there's sun in September, the summer's not dead yet. :greenie

Back to general opinions: I was distracted by the guitar case. I had trouble visualising it - what kind of guitar and guitar case and how was he carrying it so it bounces against his side and backpack? I think you need to be a little more specific. This distracted me and almost made me miss the bit about him running away, which is a great hook.

I would read on for guitars. Oh yeah, and running away.
 

neandermagnon

Nolite timere, consilium callidum habeo!
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 25, 2014
Messages
7,271
Reaction score
9,330
Location
Dorset, UK
Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris?

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light. People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.

The first sentence made me google check. But mostly I don't find the fact that interesting because in the UK you don't get many stop signs in cities - it's more of a thing with awkward rural roads that have dangerous junctions but are too far from the grid to justify putting in traffic lights. You get a few in towns and cities, but not so many that it would be surprising that Paris would only have one. (Or none, now, per Bing's response.)

The second line reads like you're trying too hard to not repeat "Paris". Especially as you could simply end the sentence after "cafes" - this would make it read more smoothly. The third sentence - this is something I think is common knowledge, at least among Brits. France is our nearest neighbour and you can go there and back in a day and still have time to buy wine have a day out. Maybe Americans are less familiar but you can show the cultural info about cafes through the story.

This opening reads like non-fiction. I agree with Bing that going straight in with a character in Paris (maybe chilling and relaxing in a cafe with a glass of red wine) would be much more interesting, both to people who already know about France and those who don't. Even if some of your target audience aren't familiar with French culture, don't underestimate their ability to learn it as they go along. You don't need to explain things if your story shows it.
 

Lakey

professional dilettante
Staff member
Super Moderator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 20, 2017
Messages
2,714
Reaction score
3,965
Location
New England
Bing Z, to answer your question - I wanted to start with a setting. But I am glad there is new information on the subject:)

You can start with a setting! But even stronger is to start with a character in a setting.

That said, descriptions don't just exist on their own; they come from the perspective of a narrator and/or a POV character. So the words you choose in describing your setting, the elements you choose to highlight, are not random; they reveal something about the character from whose perspective the setting is being described.

And I think you're doing that here. That "Did you know" adds a lot of character voice for just three words-- it elevates what you have here something more than just a bland nonfiction opening. There is a narrator addressing someone -- perhaps even addressing me; it's someone who knows interesting facts and likes to share them. I find that interesting.

So I'd say this opening is intriguing and promising, not merely a travelogue but a travelogue with some voice to it. And as long as you move fairly quickly to show me more of who that voice is, and why that voice really wants me to know about stop signs in Paris, then I find this opening quite fine. (Though I also like neandermagnon's suggestions on how to tighten it up a little, eliminating unneeded words.)

:e2coffee:
 

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 13, 2008
Messages
9,239
Reaction score
2,316
Location
Oregon, USA
Summer’s dead and I’m back. The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. My guitar case bounces at my side, hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.

Summer’s dead and I’m back. Maybe less confusing to delete this and embed its info later.

The [late?] September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans.

My guitar case bounces at my side, hits [to hit] against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away [for the summer?].

If you show us a revision, a third sentence could go here. :greenie
 

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 13, 2008
Messages
9,239
Reaction score
2,316
Location
Oregon, USA
Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris? Whether or not this is updated by letting readers know the single sign disappeared in 2016, what capitalize "Stop"?

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light.

People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.
Maybe recast this last line to something less repetitive like: Rather than to sip coffee or tea with pastry, people sit outside for hours to watch life; there is nothing more French.]

I know nothing about Paris and would like to read further. :greenie
 

shanthini

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
135
Reaction score
20
Location
Chicago
Summer’s dead and I’m back. The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. My guitar case bounces at my side, hitting against my the backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.

Hi. Agree with the earlier comment about not knowing whether you're talking about summer, the season, or Summer, a person. However, I like the line as an opener.

The description feels a little like you're trying to stuff too much into one sentence, but it paints a picture. I personally do not like the word "stride" in the second sentence, just because this is first person and that is not how I would ever refer to my own gait, but that's a nitpick. Overall, it's nice.
 

shanthini

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
135
Reaction score
20
Location
Chicago
Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris? However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light. People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they where people sit outside for hours and watch life. T/COLOR]here is nothing more French than this.


Hello. I would probably have stopped reading after the first sentence because this sounds more like nonfiction than a novel. However, that's just my opinion. I made some suggestions above that help it feel more like the beginning to a story (to me) instead of a documentary.
 

CJSimone

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
1,387
Reaction score
497
Thanks so much Bing Z, neandormagnon, Chase, and shanthini! :)

I appreciate the helpful feedback and will be making tweaks. Summer being dead has a double meaning in the opening - both the season and his girlfriend while a runaway.
 

Vida Paradox

Code Surfer
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 23, 2018
Messages
183
Reaction score
27
Location
Drifting in Space
Hi, all! This is how my novel is going to start. I appreciate your comments!

Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris?

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light. People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.

Hi! Vida here!

Been a while since I've done this kind of thing, so, bear with me okay?
Ahem...

Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris?

Not anymore, actually, but real life facts hardly matters in novels anyway. Aside from that, this is a pretty intriguing delivery, as in like, it makes me as a reader curious of what this will have to do with the story, but not THAT much intriguing. So for the first sentence hook... Kind of a success?

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light.

The use of the word 'however' seems to imply that there is contradicting connection between stop signs and cafe. I... I honestly have no idea what the connection between cafe and stop signs are so... Yeah, so, this second sentence doesn't support the first one unfortunately, at least, to me personally.

People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.

In here we get the hint that the narrator is a character in the story. Or at least, that's what I'm getting because there is a lot of characterization being put in this disembodied voice.

So anyway, final verdict, it's not bad. Here's an advice: There's too much setting and not many event or character in these sentence. Wouldn't it better to have you show the setting through the character's eyes, sprinkle in an event on what he or she or they or it is doing?

Anyway, that's all for me. I am no professional, so please don't take my words to hard and please don't take it too seriously. If you disagree with something, then feel free to ignore it. You know more about your own story than I do after all.

And As Always, Thanks for Reading ^_^
 

josephperin

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 9, 2015
Messages
732
Reaction score
141
These are the opening three of my WIP, a YA suspense. Thanks for any feedback!Summer’s dead and I’m back. The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I stride toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. My guitar case bounces at my side, hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away.
Hi CJ,I assume this is Gabe?��Agree with the rest that 1st sentence seems to serve no purpose. Also, if I didn't think this was Gabe, I'd have assumed MC to be a girl.
 

josephperin

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 9, 2015
Messages
732
Reaction score
141
Hit post before completing the thought.

Would assume MC to be a girl because of description of clothes, I think.
 

josephperin

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 9, 2015
Messages
732
Reaction score
141
Hi, all! This is how my novel is going to start. I appreciate your comments!

Did you know that there is only one Stop sign in the busy streets of Paris?

However, there are around 7000 cafes in the City of Light. People don’t sit in the cafes for only a coffee, or tea and some pastry; they sit outside for hours and watch life and there is nothing more French than this.

Some punctuation errors which I'm sure have already been mentioned. Apart from that, I'd read on to see who we meet on Paris.
 

CJSimone

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
1,387
Reaction score
497
Hi CJ,I assume this is Gabe?��Agree with the rest that 1st sentence seems to serve no purpose. Also, if I didn't think this was Gabe, I'd have assumed MC to be a girl.

Hit post before completing the thought.

Would assume MC to be a girl because of description of clothes, I think.

Yes, it is Gabe. :)

I do have the name just above in the manuscript, so do you think that would be okay then (even if girls sometimes have boy names)? The gender is mentioned shortly after. Tight clothes are the thing for guys presently, but maybe will be more of an issue when they swing back to baggy - except rockers tend to wear them tight / lots of tank tops regardless, so maybe okay?

Thank you!!
 

CJSimone

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
1,387
Reaction score
497
Revision of the opening three for my YA Suspense/Thriller - thanks so much for any thoughts!

I haven't decided yet if I'm eliminating the previous first sentence "Summer's dead and I'm back" because I like the punchiness of it and it fits the story/the character, and I like the double meaning as both the season and the girlfriend while a runaway, and it varied the length of the sentences, and it seemed more of an immediate hook for a Suspense/Thriller than "The September sun..." (lol, I overthink everything), but I am considering cutting it since several people recommended that. I eliminated it for now. I tried to incorporate a lot of the recommendations. The male MC's name comes above the opening since it's dual POV, and maybe the new word "strut" (replacing "stride") suggests a male.


The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I strut toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. In its case, my electric acoustic guitar hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away. I guarantee my family will ask the usual questions—where’d I stay, what’d I do, what trouble did I get into this time—but hell, I can’t remember half the days.
 
Last edited:

Ravioli

Crazy Cat Lady
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 4, 2015
Messages
2,699
Reaction score
423
Location
Germany, native Israeli
Website
annagiladi.wixsite.com
Glass was shattering all around as Merle crawled over the scorching floor to avoid the smoke. The sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, the Akita had still heard the hoarse little mews, but all he heard now, was the sound of the world ending.
 

shanthini

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
135
Reaction score
20
Location
Chicago
The September sun breaks the world into light and shadows as I strut toward my yard in a tight tank top and even tighter black jeans. In its case, my electric acoustic (is this needed?) guitar hits against my backpack that’s stuffed with everything I took when I ran away. I guarantee my family will ask the usual questions—where’d I stay, what’d I do, what trouble did I get into this time—but hell, I can’t remember half the days.

Hello. I like the voice in the last line - it gives a better feel for the character. I'm one of the ones who liked your original first line, so I don't think this has as much impact. Is it important that it's September? Otherwise, might just start with "I strut..." My only question is, is it really running away if you do it all the time and your family expects you to come back (based on "asks the usual questions")?
 

shanthini

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
135
Reaction score
20
Location
Chicago
Glass was shattering all around as Merle crawled over the scorching floor to avoid the smoke. The sudden bursts of air made the blaze soar into the night. Seconds ago, the Akita had still heard the hoarse little mews, but all he heard now, was the sound of the world ending.

This would make me read more - I'd want to know what the heck is happening here. Couple questions, though: Are "the Akita" and "Merle" the same character? That isn't clear. And I don't know where the sudden bursts of air are coming from. Otherwise, nice intro.