Question on the use of repetition

TrapperViper · Jun 9, 2020

I am vacillating between the first three sentences of my WIP.

A: No shit, there we were. It’s the way you're supposed to begin a war story. Except this one doesn’t begin over there, it begins here.

or

B: No shit, there we were. It's the way you're supposed to introduce a war story. Except this one doesn't start over there, it begins here.

I've read a bit how Gertrude Stein and others use repetition to show the significance of a particular word, but I'm curious if any of you have opinions or insights on this? Any advice on using option A or B for me would be appreciated, along with any other insights. Thank you.

FWIW, I am also debating between using "you're" or "we're" in each option.

TellMeAStory · Jun 9, 2020

I think the two "begin"s work well.

You might want to rethink that comma though.

InkFinger · Jun 9, 2020

TrapperViper said:
A: No shit, there we were. It’s the way you're supposed to begin a war story. Except this one doesn’t begin over there, it begins here.

Repetition is awesome, but it counts with different words that mean the same thing too. I would actually modify the line to read:

No shit, there we were. It's the way you are supposed to begin a war story. Except this one doesn't start over there, it begins here.

I feel like the two and one structure actually ups the emphasis on the word. All three mean the same thing, but you begin and end the three with the same word, drawing attention to it.

My thoughts.

TrapperViper · Jun 9, 2020

Thank you Ink and Tellme!

I've modified it a bit more:

No shit, there we were. It’s the way we like to begin our war stories. Except this one doesn’t start over there, it begins here.

Should I replace the comma between there and it with a period and make "It begins here" a new sentence?

InkFinger · Jun 9, 2020

TrapperViper said:
Should I replace the comma between there and it with a period and make "It begins here" a new sentence?

Yes. I like this.

RC turtle · Jun 9, 2020

What does “No shit, there we were” mean?

Raveneye · Jun 13, 2020

You may have settled on an opening sentence by now, but I vote for the original A. The flow is lovely and it grabbed my attention. Option B, with "introduce" sounds formal, and the option in post #4 sounds less authoritative.

The repetition and vagueness of "there/here" conveys a good sense of "otherness" that we on the home front associate with the places our warriors are deployed to, and also intrigues me to the point that I would keep reading to figure out where "there" is and what happened "there." So...

That's two cents from a freelance editor.

Goshawk31 · Jun 13, 2020

Go for the repetition!

Those multiple 'begins' add immediacy and fluidity to the two sentences. I think repetition can be very effective and it certainly is here.

Raveneye · Jun 13, 2020

Agreed. Parallel sentence structure, when used at the appropriate time, is so musical and powerful. That's almost what you have here, but not. Yeah, that's not helpful. Still, it has that musical flow. Do what Stein says, she's a genius after all.

Woollybear · Jun 13, 2020

Ursula Le Guin devotes a chapter to repetition in Steering the Craft, saying this:

Repetition of words, of phrases, of images; echoes, reflections, variations: from the grandmother telling a folktale to the most sophisticated novelist, all narrators use these devices, and the skillful use of them is a great part of the power of prose.

She then provides examples of repetition at multiple levels. You are allowed to repeat when it serves prose. In fact, to not do so is to ignore a musical tool in your kit.

SwallowFeather · Jun 21, 2020

I absolutely like the one with all the begins. I think repeating structural words to create parallelism is excellent. I'm a big fan of repetition used for poetic or musical purposes, which (seems to me) is the same thing most everyone's getting at here. It's hard to set a definition for which kind of repetition works, but listening for the sound of the sentence is key...

(The latest line editor I worked with doesn't appear to agree, but I actually trust my judgment and Le Guin's--yeah, that chapter is excellent--more than his.)

Besides, coming up with three different ways to say "start" absolutely draws attention to itself.

Question on the use of repetition

TrapperViper

TellMeAStory

InkFinger

TrapperViper

InkFinger

RC turtle

Raveneye

Hope and a Purpose

Goshawk31

Raveneye

Hope and a Purpose

Woollybear

SwallowFeather

Oops I just swallowed a feather