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Quick zoom-out to omniscient in an otherwise limited story--your thoughts?

Woollybear

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I've been wrangling chapter 28 into a second draft, and it's a mess for a bunch of reasons. The story is pretty far along by chapter 28, only 6 more chapters to go.

It's alternating third person limited--that's the style I use.

But in this chapter I want to hint at something the viewpoint character (a man, in this case) doesn't know or see. So currently, I just zoom into omniscient for the last sentence and say something like-- Her smile pleased him, but what he didn't see was the knife behind her back.

It isn't that, but it's like that. This is the first and I think only instance in the entire WIP. Otherwise I obey the viewpoint rules.

What are your thoughts about popping an omniscient detail into the story like this?

Thanks for thoughts. There's a good chance this draft will need a complete overhaul anyway, so whatever you think is fine, I feel like throwing the thing into the trash heap anyway.
 

Ellis Clover

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I had this situation in one of my WIPs - it was the only way I could convey a certain piece of information, but it was literally the only omniscient part of the whole book. I eventually decided it jarred too heavily, and sacrificed the piece of info (which ended up not being a big deal anyway).

For an example from a much more successful writer than me: I've noticed that the Jack Reacher books (written in very tight first- or third- person POV) occasionally slip into omniscient. I always notice, but the pace is so fast I get swept along before I have the chance to be annoyed lol. Maybe the lesson is, if your book is compelling, readers might notice but forgive you? Honestly though, chances are that the average reader won't notice at all. :)
 

Lakey

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But in this chapter I want to hint at something the viewpoint character (a man, in this case) doesn't know or see. So currently, I just zoom into omniscient for the last sentence and say something like-- Her smile pleased him, but what he didn't see was the knife behind her back.

With the caveat that it's hard to judge without the full context of your story, and I'm just one data point -- and a particularly analytical reader, even before i started writing fiction myself -- I personally cannot stand stuff like this. It yanks me right out of the story. You've said that it's just one tiny bit of omniscience in what's otherwise a close third-person narrative, but in a way that makes it worse, even more jarring, than if you'd just been omniscient all along with a varying narrative distance. If you've sold me on a nice, intimate limited third-person viewpoint, then a moment out of POV feels like stubbing my toe. :/

:e2coffee:
 
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Little Anonymous Me

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How important is it to include that information in that form? Is there another way you could show this that may tip off a reader, but not necessarily the character?
 

Chris P

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Your example is jarring, I think. I almost expected the exclamation point of a breathless narration break. But that doesn't mean it can't or shouldn't be done. I did this briefly in my (now kaput and so far only) published novel, and when I asked the editor if the break was a problem she said "Wow, paranoid much? This is fine here."

So how to do it well? I wish i knew. In your case, I suspect the knife is revealed at some point. Is there a way to hint at it before, so at the reveal the character and the reader alike say "Of course! I should have seen that!"

Play around with it and see what you come up with.
 

JJ Litke

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I’d leave it in for now. The rules don’t exist to be slavishly followed, they’re there for structure. Breaking them is okay if it works. No one here can say whether it works without seeing an example, so all you’re going to get is personal opinions. Which is fine, but doesn’t tell you if your specific piece works or not. If you still like it, leave it in and check it again later. You don’t need to do all your ruthless edits in the second draft.
 

Woollybear

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Yep, I'm just curious for opinions.

It's the last line of the chapter--so yeah, there's a break right after. :) I'm also trying to underscore the woman's presence in the chapter. She doesn't say much.

Next chapter, in a different viewpoint, she plunges a (metaphorical) knife in the guy's back--because of what she uncovers about him in this one.

I'll definitely revisit it in the next draft, but if everyone said/says 'yay' or 'nay' here, it'd probably steer my thinking a bit. I do see some of it in published books. I don't have a strong opinion, but I sort of feel like, 'Whoa, a disembodied narrator just popped in.'
 

Roxxsmom

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There is a pretty common style of third person narrative where the bulk of a scene or chapter etc., even most of the story, is in a pretty close limited third--sticking with one pov (maybe even just one pov character for the entire story) at a time and even using their voice in the narrative--but they will start some scenes or chapters with a more distant overview of things. I don't think there is any problem with this as long as the reader isn't confused or left wondering who they are with in the story or where a particular insight or observation comes from.

The issue with suddenly zooming out into a more omniscient narrative mid scene in a story that has been in a limited viewpoint all along is it can give a reader a sort of metaphoric whiplash. But if there's a smooth, logical transition, and if reader expectations have been established early on, this shouldn't be a problem. But if your story has been in a tight limited third throughout, and you suddenly feel the need to back up and explain something the current pov character doesn't know, you might want to ask yourself why this is the case all of a sudden.
 
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TurbulentMuse

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It definitely is jarring, but that could work for certain situations. You really have to think about if this is the best or only way to express that detail and if it really needs to be known.