Does this longer sentence work? Or should I keep them short…

H7TM4N

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Which do you think works better? Please explain why, I'm still pretty new and hoping to improve!


In a small clearing, a dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire; or rather, a light smoulder drifting up towards fading stars.

OR

A dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire in a small clearing.
Night had reduced the fire to a light smoulder drifting up slowly towards fading stars.


I appreciate any help, and await your thoughts below.

EDIT: Thanks everyone for the responses. Perhaps I should have added a bit more context. This is written from a particular character's point of view, I am trying to make as much of the narrative seem like thought. "Or so" I added because the character had not precisely counted the number of tents, it is an estimation. In the same way "or rather" I had added to try convey the character's discovery/notice that the fire had been reduced to a smoulder (through the passage of time, namely night passing) as he has just woken up and crawled out of a tent of his own. With the suggestion of replacing "; or" with an Em dash — the first sentence becomes:

In a small clearing, a dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire—rather, a light smoulder drifting up towards fading stars.
 
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Meemossis

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I prefer the shorter ones. This "advice" is coming from a newbie writer too.

The only thing I don't like is the "or so" bit. I don't know why, but it almost feels like you're unsure in your writing, but that's just my opinion. I would prefer "More than a dozen wedge tents..." or something like that.
 

The Second Moon

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I prefer the longer version. Why? Because when I read the shorter sentences I was confused by why the fire was smoldered. In the longer version I understand that it was time that smoldered the fire.
 

mrsmig

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Which do you think works better? Please explain why, I'm still pretty new and hoping to improve!


In a small clearing, a dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire; or rather, a light smoulder drifting up towards fading stars.

OR

A dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire in a small clearing.
Night had reduced the fire to a light smoulder drifting up slowly towards fading stars.


I appreciate any help, and await your thoughts below.

I admit to having to read the first sentence three times to understand what you meant. (I don't think you're using the semicolon properly; that may have added to my confusion.)

I agree with Meemossis that "or so" feels tentative, as does "or rather." If this was written from a particular character's point of view, I might accept it more easily, but since it appears to be narrative, the tighter and more concise you can make it, the better. I was also a bit flummoxed by "night" reducing the fire to a smoulder. (Fires burn out when they run out of fuel, not because of the time of day.)

All that said, I prefer the rhythm of starting with "in a small clearing."
 

Chase

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In a small clearing, a dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire; or rather, a light smoulder drifting up towards fading stars.

OR

A dozen or so wedge tents surrounded a campfire in a small clearing.
Night had reduced the fire to a light smoulder drifting up slowly towards fading stars.

As Mrsmig pointed out, as is, the first sentence confuses, because a semicolon doesn't work that way. Semicolons must separate strongly linked independent clauses.

Having only two choices, the second set of sentences work better. The proximity of the two and "fire" linked to "campfire" tie them nicely. :greenie
 

Woollybear

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I think an em-dash to replace the ; or would make the longer construction easier to understand on first reading, but I don't have a preference. It would depend on the surrounding stuff and your language overall. Your voice. Unusual constructions and language choices can work, when done well. For whatever it's worth, your longer one reminds a bit of the reach of lyrical prose like the opening sentence to Lathe of Heaven, a book I've just picked up again. Current-borne, wave-flung, tugged hugely by the whole might of ocean, the jellyfish drifts in the tidal abyss.
 
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H7TM4N

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I admit to having to read the first sentence three times to understand what you meant. (I don't think you're using the semicolon properly; that may have added to my confusion.)

I agree with Meemossis that "or so" feels tentative, as does "or rather." If this was written from a particular character's point of view, I might accept it more easily, but since it appears to be narrative, the tighter and more concise you can make it, the better. I was also a bit flummoxed by "night" reducing the fire to a smoulder. (Fires burn out when they run out of fuel, not because of the time of day.)

All that said, I prefer the rhythm of starting with "in a small clearing."

Perhaps I should have added a bit more context. This is written from a particular character's point of view, I am trying to make as much of the narrative seem like thought. "Or so" I added because the character had not precisely counted the number of tents, it is an estimation. In the same way "or rather" I had added to try convey the character's discovery/notice that the fire had been reduced to a smoulder (through the passage of time, namely night passing) as he has just woken up and crawled out of a tent of his own.
 

mccardey

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Sentence length is a really good thing to be aware of, H7 - it's a strong tool in a writer's hands. It's hard to know out of context which sentence works better, but I did love the first one - it has voice.

You're mis-using the semi-colon, so a bit of research about punctuation would be useful for you and there are terrific resources online - but even with that, I got a lovely strong image from the first sentence, so don't be put off. If it's possible, I'd set aside a different 30 minutes every day for a while to study the grammar aspect of writing, and keep your writing time for just - writing. You have a lovely way with words, and it would be a pity to let that get smothered with a lot of double-checking at this stage. Punctuation is easy to learn, and static; trusting your gift is harder, so keep them a bit separate just at the start.

Good luck!
 

H7TM4N

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Sentence length is a really good thing to be aware of, H7 - it's a strong tool in a writer's hands. It's hard to know out of context which sentence works better, but I did love the first one - it has voice.

You're mis-using the semi-colon, so a bit of research about punctuation would be useful for you and there are terrific resources online - but even with that, I got a lovely strong image from the first sentence, so don't be put off. If it's possible, I'd set aside a different 30 minutes every day for a while to study the grammar aspect of writing, and keep your writing time for just - writing. You have a lovely way with words, and it would be a pity to let that get smothered with a lot of double-checking at this stage. Punctuation is easy to learn, and static; trusting your gift is harder, so keep them a bit separate just at the start.

Good luck!

Thank you mccardey for the kind words. I'll do just as you suggested. Studying grammar is a good idea.