Are You Embarrassed by Writing?

hjrey

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Since the lockdown I've been writing a lot more and now it's part of a daily routine (which I'm really happy about), but I find myself feeling embarrassed when someone asks me what I've been up to at home. I'm not working at the moment and very lucky that my partner is able to work from home, but it leads to a lot of friends/family asking just what am I up to with all this free time now... To some, I'll be honest and say that I'm really motivated with my writing and trying to finish a novel finally, but to most I come up with something else. Does anyone else find talking about their writing a bit of a sensitive issue, depending on the person they're talking to? Especially novel writing. Everyone wants to write a novel, sometimes it's like telling people you want to win a million pounds. I often feel like I have to validate my writing by mentioning I've won short story contests or dismiss it entirely as just a hobby. I think it doesn't help that there are those days when you write total crap and question what you're doing with your life XD

Any other closet writers out there?
 

Chris P

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I too mostly keep my writing to myself. I'm not embarrassed, but trying to avoid headaches. Mentioning that I write often brings up a whole lot of questions that I'm not prepared to answer in the 10 or 20 words most people have the attention span for, or I'm barraged with suggestions on what I should write about.

I stopped sharing my drafts with people close to me, because either they expect my stories to be cute when most of the time my characters use Very Bad Words and do Very Bad Things, or they think my characters are based on certain real life people (when they never are anymore) and I get the whole "Is that what you really think of him/her/me?" awkwardness.
 

L.C. Blackwell

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Like Chris says, it's a matter of avoiding headaches. "What's your book about? When are you going to have it published? I knew a guy who...." To be followed (next time they see you) by, "So how is the book coming? Are you near the ending yet? Have you taken it to a publisher?"

Now, these are usually very nice, polite people who wish you well. But constantly explaining and trying to bridge the knowledge gap is exhausting. Writing is a very private creative process, and it doesn't hurt to keep it that way. So for those who know you write, the following dialogue is helpful.

"How's your writing going/book coming along?"
"Pretty well. I'm enjoying the extra time to work."
"Are you getting close to done?"
"Not for a while yet. It can take a long time. How are you enjoying your time off? (End of subject.)

For anyone who doesn't know about your writing, "Oh, I've got plenty to catch up on," should be sufficient. Along with a line or two about some activity, or non-writing hobby, or something you saw on the news. "Say, did you see on Channel Whatsis?" is a fairly good distraction.

Otherwise, don't talk about your book unless you want to really talk about your book.
 

MaeZe

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As long as you're not embarrassed to get critique, you don't need to tell anyone you've been writing.

Critique helps you grow and you should never be embarrassed because of whatever stage you are in that growth.

I tell everyone I'm writing a book. From there they lose interest when I bore them with a long explanation of the story. :tongue (I'm still working on that query blurb.)

But I can see why some writers don't want to tell anyone they are writing. I certainly would never have shared anything I wrote that first couple years except with my critique group.
 

hjrey

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Chris. P: Oh I have definitely had that experience where an ex thought that one of the characters was about him, which was super awkward and I don't know where he got the idea from (because it really wasn't) but I guess some people are just determined to see what they want :p Sharing my work with friends/family is a mistake I've made a fair few times and never productive. I know some writers love to because the ones closest to you are supposed to be wanting you to succeed and they want to help, but they often just don't...

L.C.Blackwell: you are totally right that writing is a very private creative process. It's just a strange thing that feels very important to me but at the same time very silly to talk about. The lockdown has just highlighted it a bit for me I guess.

MaeZe: critique doesn't embarrass me, totally agree that it's super valuable from other writers. I did a Masters in Creative Writing and it could still be hit or miss how constructive feedback was, but always good to get another writers' eyes on the page. It's people who don't write that I just always feel a bit awkward to talk about writing with. I should do it more often probably as it's a good way to improve your query blurb by shortening your explanation and making it sound exciting to someone who knows nothing about your story.
 

indianroads

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I'm not embarrassed at all.

A lot of people say they want to write a book - but how many actually do it? Rather than embarrassed, we should be proud. Writing is hard (I stole that phrase from MaeZe), and it takes a lot of courage to put your work out there - where it is often criticized by those who have never tried it. I'm also very pleased with myself that my stories entertained and provoked thought.

None of us should be embarrassed.
 
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Cindyt

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I'm not embarrassed either, and most people are happy for me. But back when I was writing for a newspaper, my sister was so jealous that she would fly into a rage at every publication. She once said "H's sister is a real writer!" Uhhhh. She finally got over herself, but I say very little about my writing to her.
 

Ariel.Williams

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I was embarrassed when I was younger. But then when I finally admitted I liked writing people were super supportive about it. Now I like talking about it. I’m more embarrassed if someone asks to read my writing because I’m not sure they’d like it. Or if they really want to read it, or they’re just saying they do to be polite. I also constantly get notebooks as presents now, which I hate because I hate physically writing things, but I sound terrible if I admit that because they were just trying to be thoughtful. It’s a real mixed bag.
 

mccardey

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I've never liked saying it either, so I just talk about gardening, or the chickens. Or - now - the puppy :)
 

Maryn

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"I've been noodling around on the computer quite a bit, actually" is both truthful and doesn't reveal you're writing, if you choose not to share it.

Maryn, practical
 

Laer Carroll

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NO. I write. I make money. I'm happy. I never talk about my work. If asked about it, I just show them one of my books. Or show my Amazon Author Page which has a banner showing the front pages of my 17 works.
 

Cephus

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I'm not embarrassed about it but I don't really talk about it much face-to-face. Anyone who knows me knows I write. My family has known for many years, but none of them read in my genre so I don't even bother sending them copies anymore. I know it's not going to get read. If anyone does ask me about it, I'll point them to where it's for sale and they can go buy it if they want.
 

Kat M

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I'm not embarrassed in theory.

But I found out that when I mentioned it offhandedly at work I got either adulation or hostility masked as adulation. "Wow! How do you have the time?" (Because of course elementary school teachers are supposed to be Married To Their Work and spend their evenings watching Parks and Rec and cutting out math manipulatives) (nothing against either, mind you—I am quite fond of both). "Wow, Kat, you are so much more brilliant than the rest of us." These from folks who are singlehandedly raising many tiny children, keeping their classrooms and homes tidy, dedicated to their golf game, or making crafts so fine they could be sold on Etsy, or getting master's degrees. None of which I do.

I also don't want to have conversations with the folks at church about how my characters are not all fine little church members, and the ones who aren't don't get comeuppance for not being perfect Christians.

But outside of those circles I'm pretty open about it. I second indianroads.
 

noranne

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I'm not embarrassed by it, exactly, but I don't really feel comfortable talking about it with other people. It's not embarrassment as much as it privacy and self-protection. I don't like having to explain the same thought process over and over, I really don't like telling people the plots of my stories (which they always ask!!), and I really don't like having to keep telling people that no, I'm not published yet. So it's not generally something I bring up. But for people who get it, or who know me well enough to understand the way I like to talk about it, sure! And when I do have good news to share (okay that was like once), I am happy to do so widely and publicly. I don't use a pen name and I'm not worried about people "finding out" about my writing or anything like that.
 

Kerry56

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When I let my brother read my first book, he insisted that I wrote my main male character to match myself and he kept trying to point out similarities, even in the name. I'm not sure I ever convinced him otherwise.

And the name was entirely a coincidence. I tried several different ones that I didn't like, then stuck one in as a placeholder so I could get on with the writing. I fully intended to replace it, but never got around to that chore. :)

So not embarrassed exactly, just not living out my fantasies in my writing.
 

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I think it's okay if telling people makes you feel uncomfortable, and equally okay if your first instinct is to keep it a secret. There's a weird mystique around writing. A lot of people seem to think that writing a novel is the mark of a literary genius, while simultaneously believing they could do it easily—if only they could find the time, of course. That makes it hard to have a meaningful conversation about writing, and it can be difficult fielding clueless questions when the topic makes you feel vulnerable.

Plus, there's something powerful about having a secret project. That almost makes it more special, in a way. And it makes it more special when you share it with the people you trust, the ones who've earned their places as confidants.

My partner is the only person who knows I'm writing a novel. (Actually, she leaked it to my parents—so that's three people, total.) I write for my day job, and I'm not shy about it, but the novel thing is different. It's personal, an it's still a baby—it needs protecting. When there's more on the page—when I'm confident saying "My novel is about X and X, and it's going pretty well so far. Anyway, how about that local sports team?"—then I'll feel ready to tell others.
 

hjrey

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I think it's okay if telling people makes you feel uncomfortable, and equally okay if your first instinct is to keep it a secret. There's a weird mystique around writing. A lot of people seem to think that writing a novel is the mark of a literary genius, while simultaneously believing they could do it easily—if only they could find the time, of course. That makes it hard to have a meaningful conversation about writing, and it can be difficult fielding clueless questions when the topic makes you feel vulnerable.

Plus, there's something powerful about having a secret project. That almost makes it more special, in a way. And it makes it more special when you share it with the people you trust, the ones who've earned their places as confidants.

My partner is the only person who knows I'm writing a novel. (Actually, she leaked it to my parents—so that's three people, total.) I write for my day job, and I'm not shy about it, but the novel thing is different. It's personal, an it's still a baby—it needs protecting. When there's more on the page—when I'm confident saying "My novel is about X and X, and it's going pretty well so far. Anyway, how about that local sports team?"—then I'll feel ready to tell others.

This is very much how I feel. Totally applaud all the writers out here who feel comfortable and unashamed of telling people about their novels, but I'm not there yet :p People show a nice, polite interest if I tell them about short stories I've had published and I feel comfortable talking about those but novel writing is just this whole other headspace for me. It's personal, complicated to explain (and write!) and just is one of those pursuits I find people don't take seriously because pretty much everyone wants to write a novel.

I definitely have some close supportive friends, but it's when I'm in those working professional friendship groups that I find myself lying about how I'm spending my time these days. Maybe it's the stage that I'm at though. I still haven't finished a novel before so probably when I have a full manuscript I'll go full reversal and be shouting from the rooftops XD
 

mccardey

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It's also abit of a conversation stopper, the old "I write novels". Either they're going to have to ask you what you're working on (and you know how boring it is listening to someone talk about the book they're writing) or they're not and the whole topic just sort of - hangs there.
 

Animad345

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It's also abit of a conversation stopper, the old "I write novels". Either they're going to have to ask you what you're working on (and you know how boring it is listening to someone talk about the book they're writing) or they're not and the whole topic just sort of - hangs there.

Ha, that's so true. It happened to me the other week. I was talking to my girlfriend, who I recently started dating, and she asked me about what I was working on. It took me a few minutes to realise that what I was saying was not particularly interesting to anyone else and I was rambling, to boot. She was extremely polite about it and kindly asked questions, but I was a touch embarrassed and quickly changed the subject! She does ask me about my writing sometimes, but luckily in a very vague way. She'll ask me what I'm up to and I'll keep it simple and just say 'I'm writing'.

The other thing is that there are some friends that immediately ask to see your writing when you mention that you do it. It puts you in such an awkward position because you know that if they don't like it, they'll probably have to pretend that they do.

I don't feel embarrassed by my writing, but there is a deeply personal aspect to it, and you never know what sort of reaction you'll get if it comes up in conversation. I try to keep it to myself around people I'm not close friends with.
 

buz

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Oh lord yes I am embarrassed and/or ashamed of it like most of the time, and I am somewhat afraid that someday a person I know In the World will come to find out I have written stuff, and, like, READ IT, god forbid...

To be fair, I'm embarrassed whenever I attempt to do something For Serious; like, I feel like any endeavour I am involved in is automatically a joke, by virtue of my involvement--it's not a writing-specific thing. But writing is where it's sort of...well, more personal-feeling, I guess. People can equate what you write to what's in your brain, and to some extent they might be right, and...it's not necessarily something you want to share with people who you have already measured out the amount of True Selfness you're willing to expose them to. I have slightly varying Public Faces for those I come in actual contact with, and the types of things I want to write often don't fall in line with that.

...Anyway, er, I don't have an encouragement or resolution or a...point, really. Just, yes, you're not alone :p
 

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I finally told my family after years of writing when no one was home. One of my daughters is actually editing my rough draft. I'm not embarrassed but I also don't want to answer 100 questions about my work, so only my immediate family knows.
 

PamelaC

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I'm not embarrassed by it, but it's not something I readily bring up in casual conversation. It's the kind of thing I enjoy discussing with other writers, but would rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick than talk about with non-writers. When I discover someone I know IRL is also a writer (aspiring writer, whatever) then it's fun to talk with them about my WIP and hear about theirs. But otherwise, even my friends and family who are avid readers, I just avoid it. Plus, I'm so early in the process right now that I am still keeping it close to the chest. I'm 70 pages into a first draft of a fantasy novel that is unlike anything else I've ever read, and I'm not even sure myself how to say "what it's about" without sounding clueless and weird, LOL.

I liken it to another passion in my life: horses. I've ridden and owned horses for over 30 years. For the majority of those years, I trained and showed. Trying to talk about horses with non-horse people can be torture. Especially the ones that want to come ride my horse...or better yet, let their kids come out and ride him. Yeah...he's not that kind of horse. But it's hard to explain it to people who don't understand it. So best to just avoid it all together.
 

lizmonster

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It's also abit of a conversation stopper, the old "I write novels". Either they're going to have to ask you what you're working on (and you know how boring it is listening to someone talk about the book they're writing) or they're not and the whole topic just sort of - hangs there.

My brother is a physicist, and he talks about two reactions: the Physics "Ah," and the Physics Pause:

Person: What do you do?
Liz's brother: I'm a physicist.
Person: Ah! <change of subject>

Or:

Person: What do you do?
Liz's brother: I'm a physicist.
Person: ... ... ... ... ... Ah! <change of subject>

Writing can be like that. Although I'll say the most common reaction I would get when I'd tell people I was writing a book was "Oh, I always wanted to write a book!" And then they'd describe some premise and confess they hadn't actually put a single word on paper, but somehow that was equivalent to me actually hammering the thing out.

New doctors sometimes ask what I do, and when I say I write science fiction, they invariably say "Oh, I don't like science fiction." I mean, that's fine, as I wasn't trying to sell you anything, but I'm not about to lie here telling you how much I dislike dermatology, am I?

With my closer friends, I've become so tedious about it all I expect they will never ask me about writing again. :)
 

gothicangel

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Not really. But, as a 38 year old who is also taking a second degree and gets enough flack at work about that, I keep my writing ambitions to myself. I'll tell them when I get a publishing deal (or maybe six months after publishing day).
 

Cephus

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It's also abit of a conversation stopper, the old "I write novels". Either they're going to have to ask you what you're working on (and you know how boring it is listening to someone talk about the book they're writing) or they're not and the whole topic just sort of - hangs there.

It's not really about "I write novels", it's about "I publish novels". A lot of people are not going to treat you well if you're just diddling in the corner on a keyboard. It's when you've published novels and those novels are selling that a lot of people get excited. This is true of just about anything. Saying "I crochet" is meaningless if you cannot show that you've ever completed a project. You have nothing to show for your efforts. I agree with you though, there's really no point in bringing it up at all if you're not willing to talk about it and be entertaining about it. Nobody really wants to hear about what you're doing in detail in polite conversation.