Does this sentence need fixing and if so, how would you fix it?

Gregg Bell

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 2, 2015
Messages
920
Reaction score
164
Location
Itasca, Illinois (U.S.)
The Dark Cowboy, in a black shirt highlighting his gauzy, gray chin beard, a dusty, black, brim hat atop his head, limped out onto the porch.
 

Borad

Banned
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
32
Reaction score
6
You should probably cut the words chin and out. I'd cut gauzy too.

I'm no grammar expert but it looks passive. I'd try splitting it into two sentences and make it active voice. Like:

The Dark Cowboy limped onto the porch. With his stained black shirt contrasting an equally soiled gray beard, and a hat so worn that [think of a punchline], he [think of a punchline].

That's what I'd work on.

Actually, my second sentence looks passive too but I don't care because it's written like a joke, which could work. All you need are two punch lines.
 

dpaterso

Also in our Discord and IRC chat channels
Staff member
Super Moderator
Moderator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
18,797
Reaction score
4,590
Location
Caledonia
Website
derekpaterson.net
The Dark Cowboy, wearing a black shirt that highlighted his sparse gray chin beard, and with a dusty black brim hat upon his head, limped out onto the porch.

-Derek
 

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 9, 2005
Messages
16,768
Reaction score
4,663
Location
Scotland
The Dark Cowboy, in a black shirt highlighting his gauzy, gray chin beard, a dusty, black, brim hat atop his head, limped out onto the porch.

Depends what image you want to convey. Endless permutations here but personally I would prefer to see less adjectives and the verb closer to the subject.

The Dark Cowboy limped out onto the porch, his matching black shirt and brim hat highlighting (or highlighted by) his fuzzy gray beard.
 
Last edited:

mccardey

Self-Ban
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
19,171
Reaction score
15,732
Location
Australia.
The Dark Cowboy, wearing a black shirt that highlighted his sparse gray chin beard, and with a dusty black brim hat upon his head, limped out onto the porch.

-Derek

The chin beard and the brim hat are still worrying me. (Especially the chin beard).
 

Maryn

Sees All
Staff member
Super Moderator
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
55,320
Reaction score
25,292
Location
Snow Cave
All beards are chin beards. All cowboy hats have brims. All hats are worn on the head. All going to the porch from indoors is going out. Eliminate the words that are understood. (Think of it as things falling down--the only direction things fall, so the word down is not needed.)

That's a lot of words you could lose without anyone missing them. Not all commas are necessary separating all adjectives.

If I were charged with revising this sentence, I'd try something like this:

The Dark Cowboy limped onto the porch, his black shirt and dusty black hat highlighting his gray beard.

That also cuts the original 26 words to 18.

Maryn, who took decades to learn to cut word count
 

Gregg Bell

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 2, 2015
Messages
920
Reaction score
164
Location
Itasca, Illinois (U.S.)
Thanks for the feedback. What I was concerned about was that the way it was written his black shirt was also highlighting his black hat, which of course is impossible.

@Borad Thanks. That's interesting, but there's nothing funny about the sentence as I see it. (If it was, your take would be great.)

@dpaterso That's a definite improvement. Thanks. You've solved the black shirt highlighting the black hat.

@Bufty Thanks. That's much more concise.

@Maryn Believe it or not, I've been working on getting rid of words that are implied by other words. (Obviously I'm failing. lol) Thanks for the reminder and the improvement. Only thing is it is a chin beard. One of those creepy ones that just dangles from the tip of the chin, but I could add that in.
 
Last edited:

mccardey

Self-Ban
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
19,171
Reaction score
15,732
Location
Australia.
Only thing is it is a chin beard. One of those creepy ones that just dangles from the tip of the chin, but I could add that in.
A goatee, perhaps? A chin beard suggests that pretty soon we'll be talking about merkins or something, and you don't want to disappoint your reader by setting up false expectations. (Or get yourself into the unfortunate position of having to google merkins*.)

*False beards for rude bits. *blush*
 
Last edited:

Maryn

Sees All
Staff member
Super Moderator
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 12, 2005
Messages
55,320
Reaction score
25,292
Location
Snow Cave
The joys of an extended vocabulary, yes?
 

Helix

socially distancing
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 31, 2011
Messages
11,676
Reaction score
12,032
Location
Atherton Tablelands
Website
snailseyeview.medium.com
I think the issue over chin beards is that all beards are on chins. You need to be a bit more specific. Or describe it ---> "wiry grey hair like a billy goat's beard sprouting from his chin" <--- but better.
 

mccardey

Self-Ban
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
19,171
Reaction score
15,732
Location
Australia.
[h=2]Types of Goatees[/h][h=3]1. Pure Goatee (Goatee Without Mustache)[/h][FONT=&quot]Pure or original goatee beard by definition doesn’t include any [/FONT][FONT=&quot]mustache style[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. When you grow a mustache and let the sides connect with your goatee you got yourself a full goatee.[/FONT]

This is an excellent resource - as long as all you need from it is stuff about beards.
 

Busy_Sample

Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
61
Reaction score
6
Location
OH-
I'm no English major, but it seemed like it could be improved.

I would remove chin and atop his head so it reads,

The Dark Cowboy, in a black shirt highlighting his gauzy, gray beard, wearing a dusty, black, brim hat, limped out onto the porch.

Or I would make it two sentences:

The Dark Cowboy limped onto the porch. He tipped the rim of his dusty black hat then stroked his gauzy grey beard.

It's entirely up to you what you do though. I have no idea which is grammatically correct. I leave that up to people with those skills and MS Word's little blue lines.