Possessive adjectives

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Nonicks

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Hi!

I have a problem with possessive adjectives. Here's an example of a sentence I'm not happy with:

She felt as if her dream of unraveling her past was slipping between her fingers.

Do you have any tips\tricks or advice that might help me improve my sentences? Is there another way to rephrase sentences without possessive adjectives?

And most importantly - what is your paragraph structure?


Thanks in advance!
 

Bufty

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I don't think this is a grammar issue- it's more one of craft.

Try and get rid of that filtering 'She felt as if...'. That filtering phrase is forcing you to use 'her'. The phrase is also very vague and meaningless because neither it nor the following phrases give us any clue as to how she feels about the situation.

Not sure what the POV is but if it's Third Person Limited and her POV you could be more direct and less wordy. I don't know the context but, maybe something like -
Hopes of unraveling the past were slipping away.

If it's her POV we know it's her thoughts and feelings because in Third Person Limited POV we can only (unless the character happens to be a mind-reader) reveal the direct thoughts of the POV character.

Not sure what you mean by asking what my paragraph structure is. My paragraph length can vary from a single line to perhaps ten/twelve or so, but it normally focuses on one topic. Any help?


Hi!

I have a problem with possessive adjectives. Here's an example of a sentence I'm not happy with:

She felt as if her dream of unraveling her past was slipping between her fingers.

Do you have any tips\tricks or advice that might help me improve my sentences? Is there another way to rephrase sentences without possessive adjectives?

And most importantly - what is your paragraph structure?


Thanks in advance!
 
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katfeete

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Sometimes you don’t need a possessive at all; the sentence or the noun implies possession: She felt as if her dream.... is not functionally different from She felt as if the dream.... We’re in her POV, it’s assumed that the dream is hers. So the first trick is simply replacing your possessive with an article and seeing if it works.

(For that matter, I’m not sure this needs the “as if” qualifier weakening it, and would personally take that out.)

Sometimes this can be fixed by streamlining. Slipping between her fingers could be replaced with slipping away.

And sometimes the possessive is necessary. I can’t think of a way to rephrase unraveling her past that’s not clunkier and more confusing than the original. It is a bit of a cliche phrase — as is slipping between her fingers — but the non-cliche replacements also involve a possessive. This needs to be specifically her past, and there’s no point bending the sentence in circles to avoid that.

But the sentence She felt the dream of unraveling her past slipping away contains significantly less meaningless repetition than your original, and I assume that’s what you mean by having “a problem” with possessive adjectives.

As for paragraph structure that’s not something I think about consciously. Patricia Wrede has a nice bit on paragraphs in her Lego Theory series that may help you out.

It should go without saying that this structural stuff is rewrite material. I don’t advise thinking about it too heavily on a first draft, lest you end up painstakingly creating a beautifully wordsmithed, perfectly polished scene that you need to chuck on the rewrite.
 

onesecondglance

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Hi!

I have a problem with possessive adjectives. Here's an example of a sentence I'm not happy with:

She felt as if her dream of unraveling her past was slipping between her fingers.

Do you have any tips\tricks or advice that might help me improve my sentences? Is there another way to rephrase sentences without possessive adjectives?

And most importantly - what is your paragraph structure?


Thanks in advance!


I agree with Bufty - this is about craft. One thing to consider in a sentence like this is the consistency of your images.

1) "Her dream" - while this is a fairly common phrasing for "her objective", it's actually a metaphor. By stating "dream" you then associate the rest of the sentence with that image. Can a dream slip between your fingers?

2) "Unravelling" - image number two. We've shifted from the fluffy etherial of dreams to a ball of yarn.

3) "Slipping between her fingers" - image three. Yarn can certainly slip between your fingers, so that's sorta consistent, though is that a particularly strong image to associate with hopes fading away?


This might sound like I'm nitpicking, but unpacking the imagery of your sentences and making sure everything works towards a concrete picture can really help solve the kind of issue you describe.
 

Chase

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She felt as if her dream of unraveling her past was slipping between her fingers.


Strictly an editing issue for one sentence, I would suggest something like:

She felt as if her [The longtime?] dream of unraveling her [a forgotten?] past was slipping between her [numbed] fingers. [Too many "hers"? Use any or all alternatives to reduce them, but for sure get rid of the filter "She felt as if her"]
 
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