It seems like every once in a while I'll get feedback in a crit that I use way too many run-on sentences. I do miss comma splices, but that's not what I'm talking about.
I'll see poetic sentence structure used in popular fiction and try to emulate it, and this is usually what gets me into trouble.
So let's give some examples:
American Gods page 177:
A hawk launched itself from a dead tree and flew toward him, wings strobing in the sunlight like a series of stop-motion photographs.
Hemmingway, Undefeated:
Most of the men sat against the wall smoking, empty coffee-cups and liqueur-glasses before them on the tables.
My line:
The muscles in his eyes tight, swollen, he wasn’t tired, not the least bit sleepy, but he knew that would change as the day strung out.
So I recently got feedback that this was run-on. And while I don't think it's on par with any of the greats I've quoted, that is the effect I was going for.
One difference I've noticed is that my appositive "The muscles in his eyes tight, swollen," comes before the subject "He." Does this make it a run on?
Let's look at the examples I gave above, but reverse place the appositive at the beginning:
Wings strobing in the sunlight like a series of stop-motion photographs, a hawk launched itself from a dead tree and flew toward him.
Empty coffee-cups and liqueur-glasses before them on the tables, most of the men sat against the wall smoking.
Are these now run-on sentences?
I'll see poetic sentence structure used in popular fiction and try to emulate it, and this is usually what gets me into trouble.
So let's give some examples:
American Gods page 177:
A hawk launched itself from a dead tree and flew toward him, wings strobing in the sunlight like a series of stop-motion photographs.
Hemmingway, Undefeated:
Most of the men sat against the wall smoking, empty coffee-cups and liqueur-glasses before them on the tables.
My line:
The muscles in his eyes tight, swollen, he wasn’t tired, not the least bit sleepy, but he knew that would change as the day strung out.
So I recently got feedback that this was run-on. And while I don't think it's on par with any of the greats I've quoted, that is the effect I was going for.
One difference I've noticed is that my appositive "The muscles in his eyes tight, swollen," comes before the subject "He." Does this make it a run on?
Let's look at the examples I gave above, but reverse place the appositive at the beginning:
Wings strobing in the sunlight like a series of stop-motion photographs, a hawk launched itself from a dead tree and flew toward him.
Empty coffee-cups and liqueur-glasses before them on the tables, most of the men sat against the wall smoking.
Are these now run-on sentences?
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