Ashamed of past works because I've grown.

It happens even to the best. When John Cheever was reviewing the collection of his stories (which subsequently won the Pulitzer Prize!) that spanned the decades of his writing, he wrote in the introduction how embarrassed he was reading his earlier works, how immature he found them to be in terms of his ability. Kafka wanted all of his writing burned upon his death because he thought it was worthless.

The fact is, someone -- and probably many someones -- will like your early work. It's going to be someone's favorite piece of fiction.

Could you hit a home run the first time you picked up a bat?

Acknowledge your early effort and embrace the change. The fact that you have misgivings about it is a sure sign that you have improved. That's something every writer strives for!

When I was a child, probably between the ages of 10 or 12, I liked to draw. I don't think I had much natural talent; I was a fair hand at copying something, but not great at drawing original material. My mom always encouraged me, though to the point where I started to draw short "comic books" that she'd buy for 10-25 cents depending on length. She's saved all of them, naturally.

Now, as an adult, when she'll bring these out to show friends or family, it's intensely embarrassing. They're really not good, either as comic art nor as writing. But hey, I was writing. As Paul Lamb says, everyone must start somewhere. Don't hold yourself to impossible standards.

I had a friend who thought that just because he'd read a ton of woodworking books, he'd be producing world-class things from wood immediately. He once showed me a table he'd made, all with hand-tools -- and I mean, he planed the boards by hand, ripped them to width by hand, carved some details on the legs, etc. It was a little wonky, but as a first effort it was really pretty amazing. But he said he was so ashamed of it that he gave up woodworking. Don't be that guy!

Also, if there's any nuggets of good material in that early book of yours, you can always mine them for a new book!

Can you do anything to change your past? If yes, then do so. If not, then move on. That's just how life works.

Jeff

starrystorm said:

I know I've posted about not loving my book that's being betaed, but I just found an article that sums up completely how I feel except I'm not published.

https://electricliterature.com/what-should-i-do-if-im-ashamed-of-my-published-work/

Has anyone else felt this way, published or not? I feel like I've learned so much since I finished that book, so much about style and voice and how to plot, that my first book feels lame and undeveloped.

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You write at your ability. In time, your ability changes. In further time, who's to say you won't look down on your current ability? In the Brandon Sanderson videos, it is noted not to judge yourself on past works (based on previous ability). I agree with that a great deal. That's like asking someone in a master's program in mathematics why he didn't use a shortcut in solving some math problems he had to do in undergraduate school (when he was never taught the shortcut until graduate school).

This is pretty much how every artist feels about their craft. The best thing you can do is think of every piece you do as a stepping stone. All those bad drafts, bad books, bad drawings- or whatever it is you've been doing are all piled up in a big stack that bring you to a higher level.

Some days, I can look back at my art (I'm a visual artist first, casual writer) and it boosts me. I think "look how far I've come!" Other days, especially with my professional work, I think "If I had more time, or skill, blah blah blah". So the easiest solution is to just not look at that stuff. It's okay to not like it, you just can't let it drag you down.
You will always be improving, as long as you're still being critical enough of yourself to seek improvement, but not so mean to yourself that you're discouraged.

This is quite normal, I think, for everyone who is serious about their craft. The least said about my prose of a decade ago, the better.

Honour your early work. Embrace its immaturity and be grateful you can see your current output is a notch or two above that earlier standard. With a bit of luck and application your skills will continue to evolve.

Every artist begins somewhere, and no artist begins at the top of their game. Your earlier words were as much a part of your journey as the words you're writing today. And isn't it lovely that you're learning and growing?

I know how you feel starrystorm. In my first book, that I'm going back and editing, I realized I don't have as much of the MCs thoughts as I would like.

I've grown a lot since I wrote the book a year ago. I guess it makes me a little proud when I go back to the book and see where I could have added his thoughts.

It shows I've grown. Maybe you've just got to see it your manuscript like that. As a comparison for how much you've grown.

If you looked at your schoolwork from grade school would you be ashamed of the work you did in say, third grade?

You can't be good at something until you learn. I don't think ashamed should apply to this situation.

I've said it a dozen times on this forum, I only have to be better than yesterday to be happy.

starrystorm said:

I still feel ashamed about my book, but I realize, someone has to like it. With this, I'll go forth with editing when I can and then see if I still want to publish it. Maybe working with a beta who liked my story will be a confidence boost.

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Hey, don't feel bad. I wrote my first novella in second person.

I agree with MaeZe. Being "ashamed" means you feel you did something wrong, which I hope you don't feel. You didn't do anything wrong, obviously. You just weren't as accomplished then as you are now, and that's impossible to avoid. No one starts out at day one being at the top of their game. I mean, Simone Biles didn't wake up one day and throw a triple-double. You have gotten better, and you will continue to get better.

Don't disparage the quality of what you've done in the past; marvel at how much you've improved.

Despite being tired of my trilogy, I'm determined to finish it out and get the last book published. One thing I wish I had never done was added romance to it. I'm a completely asexual person myself, though not at all aromantic because I am married. The only reason I added romance is because I had a mentor who was and I think still is big in the world of publishing critique the second book in the trilogy, which was originally going to be the first, and she told me I needed to make the friendship a romance. So I did it, even though everything in me screamed no. But I'm stuck with it and so have to make it work. I think that's why I'm tired of the trilogy. But from here on it, all of my characters are likely going to be ace or romance just won't ever play an important part.

starrystorm said:

Right now I'm at a standstill with the book since my beta is in the hospital for internal bleeding.

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Yeah, I can't read two sentences of my first book without vomiting blood... (sorry, couldn't resist)

George Orwell famously tried to buy up all unsold copies of his earlier work once he got successful with Animal Farm.

It's ironic because I think his Keep The Aspidistra Flying is a work of genius. I'd call it his most human novel and I've read it about eight times.

I think the best you can try for is to accept that old you is not now you. Old you did their best, and both they and their work deserve to be respected for that. You have inherited old you's work and should try to be a kind caretaker of it, even though it shouldn't be the focus of your life now.

I feel like with every project I finish, I've learned SO much during the process of writing it. So sure, when I look back at something I finished a year before, or two years before, there are elements in them that I could have made better.

But I think it's also important to learn the skill of finishing a project and not endlessly going back and editing it (that's would I would be tempted to do--to constantly strive for that unattainable perfection that would keep me from new projects and goals) or feeling ashamed of your early work. I understand because I feel the same way. But I think it's just natural that the more books you put out the more you're going to hone your craft. Heck, even some of my favorite super big name trade-published authors, I notice the difference between the books way back on their back list and the stuff they're putting out today. And that's okay. I love being told a good story and don't tend to get caught up in small imperfections.

Ashamed is soooo the wrong word. No no no no no.

Are you ashamed at your 2nd grade math homework your mom still has in a box? Or if not that, how about the Christmas card from 6th grade with your handprint in it, or that little clay bowl with the marble melted in the bottom? Your childhood items may differ, or you may need to imagine things if none have survived.

And how about college. Looking at the papers I wrote as a freshperson, I would so write them differently now. But why would I be ashamed? I got good grades.

I only started writing fiction ~7 years ago, I'm starting to lose track, 6, 8 something like that. My first day in critique group I let everyone know, I do not know how to write fiction, I'm here to learn. Why would I be ashamed of that piece I took in? It had every newbie error one could put into a 1500 word chapter. Show don't tell? Never heard of it. That was the first thing I had to learn. And I did. I took what they said and started perusing writers' blogs and how-to books.

Bottom line, I'm still learning. I have no doubt in five years what I'm writing now will look like it needs massive editing. So nothing from last year even matters. What matters is I'm learning and hopefully I will always be learning.

It's all good.

Disliking old work is a normal reaction. I used to cringe at my baby pics, but at the time they were taken I was a cutie pie.

Grinding over one's past works is counter-productive, a convenient excuse not to write.

Give yourself permission to move on. No one cares what you wrote before, they wanna know what you're doing now. Writing is like learning the piano; you only get good with practice. Get back to the keyboard and make something wonderful.

My first novel was terrible. I mean awful characterisation, cliche-ridden and the plot was *urgh*.

However, I would say don't destroy it completely. Put it away in storage (whether physical or digital). I did this with my first book 10 years ago. Then about a year ago, it started niggling me again. Six months ago, I stripped it down to the bare bones (genre/plot type and kept a few characters). I'm now at the 30k mark and I think its the best thing I've ever written.

gothicangel said:

My first novel was terrible. I mean awful characterisation, cliche-ridden and the plot was *urgh*.

However, I would say don't destroy it completely. Put it away in storage (whether physical or digital). I did this with my first book 10 years ago. Then about a year ago, it started niggling me again. Six months ago, I stripped it down to the bare bones (genre/plot type and kept a few characters). I'm now at the 30k mark and I think its the best thing I've ever written.

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Yep, never ditch anything. You may have a brilliant premise but it will be a very rare writer indeed who has the technical ability to do justice to a great idea first time around.

Develop the skills then come back a decade later - and you'll see exactly where you went wrong the first time.

I wrote my first novel when I was four and 3/4, and it was wonderful. Sadly, it didn't get the acclaim it deserved, but I will reprint it here for your reading pleasure.

One day the twins, Jane and Jean, got a nice surprise. Their mother bort them two white mice because they kept there room so tidy

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In hindsight I feel like there may have been a bit of wishful thinking embedded in it, but if so, the author was disappointed.

No mice were bort.

ETA: Any publishers who see the potential in this little work should approach my agent.

Thank you. You've been a marvellous audience.

Well, the alternative is that you look back at old stuff you've written and think "Gee, that was actually pretty good! I wonder why it never got picked up..." and then you end up with a pile of things that no one wants, you know you're not improving, and doubt you can actually do anything about it.

Not that I would know...

Noranne, your stuff is good.

I still believe marketability is all about sex and death. (and sometimes addiction). My sister directed Clarion once or twice, and her partner as well, and even there they say 'ring the great gongs.' (of sex, and death.)

We have the choice to use what works, or to make our own sexless, deathless art and hope for the best.

I'm on the 'wine' phase of my quarantine cycle, and hopefully this post will not be flamed too hard.

Your stuff, what I've seen of it, which I believe I have, is quite good.

mccardey said:

I wrote my first novel when I was four and 3/4, and it was wonderful. Sadly, it didn't get the acclaim it deserved, but I will reprint it here for your reading pleasure. In hindsight I feel like there may have been a bit of wishful thinking embedded in it, but if so, the author was disappointed.

No mice were bort.

ETA: Any publishers who see the potential in this little work should approach my agent.

Thank you. You've been a marvellous audience.

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LOL reminds me of the story my daughter wrote. She stapled the little pages together and everything. It was about a rock.