Rephrasing Sentences

Is it necessary to be so precise about what the characters are doing? Going by this example and your other one you asked about, one thing to be careful of is too much "stage direction" i.e. detailing ever little movement characters make. If you axe this description, will it affect anything else in the scene? You can trust the reader to make inferences about character's movements and position. For example:

He reached forward, key in his hand, and carefully inserted the key into the lock, then turned it. The latch clicked and he pushed the door open.

versus:

He opened the door.

Or even:

He went inside.

In the second and version, if you already know from the context that he's outside his home, you trust the reader to know that he's used a key to unlock his door and push the door open and step inside, etc.

So my question really is why not just say "they went in the kitchen" or "(mother's name) put her arm around (daughter's name) and they went in the kitchen"? Or if the glance back is important to convey an emotion (e.g. daughter agrees with her friend but the mother's trying to interfere or dissuade the daughter or something) then "(daughter's name) glanced back at (friend's name) as her mother steered her to the kitchen".

On the plus side, I get a clear picture of what you're trying to describe so if it's really necessary to describe this then what you've got there is going in the right direction and you need to use as many words as you need to describe it. Clarity is more important than trying to beautify up the sentence. In fact, clean, crisp language that describes exactly what you're going for works fine. Describing things in detail uses a lot of words. If it seems awkward and cumbersome then consider whether it's necessary. Or pinpoint what is necessary and focus on that and drop the other details.

Hope that helps. Feel free to ignore all the above if it doesn't fit with what you're going for.

This is how I would word it. Avoid progressive tense as much as possible, and use relative clauses when you can:

A mother and daughter walk to the kitchen, the mother's arm around her daughter's shoulder, with the daughter's friend following behind.
The daughter looks back at the friend, thinking about something.

I, and I suspect many others here, are constantly re-phrasing sentences.

It's a necessary part of writing and learning how to write.

Clarity is king and - as neandermagnon mentions - simplicity is the key to clarity.

Firstly, as you do, know what you mean to convey.

Write the sentence(s) down and if it doesn't convey exactly what you want it to convey re-write it, chop it around, reverse things, change the subject, approach it from a different direction, and eventually the sentence will say what you mean.

Come back to it later if a solution isn't immediately apparent - there's no rush

Very good point. Even after total completion, I proofread my novels from front to back at least ten times, constantly polishing off the language. As a matter of fact, you are never truly happy with your novel. At some point, you just have to say, "I must accept it as it is now."

Ricardo Salepas said:

Hey guys,

how could I phrase the following?

A mother and daughter are walking to the kitchen, with the daughter's friend following behind them.
The mother's arm is around the daughter's shoulder while they're walking and the daughter is looking back at the friend, thinking about something.

How could I phrase that in the neatest way possible?
I've already got the thought down, I just for the life of me cannot figure out a good way to phrase that action of the mother and daughter walking off like they are.

Any help guys?

Click to expand...

A simple way of doing it:

The mother puts her arm around her daughter as they walk to the kitchen. The daughter turns to her friend, who follows closely, and thinks about (insert what she's thing about).

I'd suggest watching the stage directions, too, as neandermagnon points out. Be on guard against them.

Seems like something well-established authors manage to avoid. Seems like something beginning writers include more of than necessary.

Let's put the scene in context. The daughter and her friend share a secret. The reader knows what it is. The mother doesn't. The reader knows exactly what the daughter is thinking. It's not necessary to say she is "thinking about something." A funny or naughty incident might have occurred. Describe her expression. Maybe she winks at her friend. Her lips are sealed. The secret's safe. Or maybe the mother already knows what happened. In that case, uh oh. They're in big trouble.

Could you write the scene as seen by the friend? Not so much in her mind as from her POV? From her perspective, it's going to be a lot different, and perhaps easier or with a better opportunity to bring out this or that salient detail.