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Better Way to Phrase This?

Ricardo Salepas

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Hey guys,

I'm looking for a better way to phrase this sentence:


He sat on his horse on the outside of the forest, looking in.

To give it context:
The character will soon ditch their horse, to walk into said forest. Is it important to even have the horse part of the sentence? Since the previous paragraph shows the character getting on and riding off with the horse?

Or should I say something more along the lines of:

He stood on the outside of the forest, looking in.?

Thoughts?
 

Bufty

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It's always best to get straight to the point. Forget about standing and looking.

Take your pick.


He dismounted at the edge of the forest and led his horse along the narrow path that led deeper into the trees.
or

He dismounted at the edge of the forest, shooed the horse away, then headed along the narrow path that led deeper into the trees.

Good luck :Hug2:
 
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BethS

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I hope, before he abandons the horse, that he strips the tack off. :)

Bufty is right. That is, unless you do want him to sit there for a moment, contemplating what he's about to do. Which you might want, if there's some doubt or fear he's facing about entering the forest. Depends on whether this is a momentous moment or just another step in a journey already decided upon.

If you do need for him to pause at the edge of the forest, then you could write something like this:

At the edge of the forest, he halted the horse and sat there, staring into the thick tangle of trees and undergrowth. [Then go on to give his impressions and thoughts.]
 

Bufty

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Listen to Beth. Solid advice there, as always. :Hug2:
 

K.S. Crooks

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There he stayed astride his horse at the edge of the forest, where he gazed at everything and nothing at the same time.
 

bugbite

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From atop the horse he looked into the forest.
 

skylessbird2218

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do you even need the horse to be there in the first sentence? just write 'he peered into the forest" if it's really necessary for him to peer into. then, after he's spotted what he wanted and if you still need to provide the info of him sitting on a horse, you can go on to say 'he steered his horse(or mount) to follow the trail left behind by the killer whale' or 'he dismounted(you can add 'his horse' or not at all) and sneaked into the undergrowth to spy on his cheating wife'.
 

Ricardo Salepas

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That actually brings me to another point.
Is it actually good to add in a lot of detail such as letting the reader know the character was on the horse? or is it purely situational and dependent on what the character will be doing next?

I always thought detail would be good because that fleshes out as much of the world as possible.
I.e: Letting the reader know the character is travelling by horse and so on and so on.
Would that not be better than forcing the reader to make up their own imagination as to how the character is travelling?
 

Bufty

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That actually brings me to another point.
Is it actually good to add in a lot of detail such as letting the reader know the character was on the horse? or is it purely situational and dependent on what the character will be doing next?

I always thought detail would be good because that fleshes out as much of the world as possible.
I.e: Letting the reader know the character is travelling by horse and so on and so on.
Would that not be better than forcing the reader to make up their own imagination as to how the character is travelling?

Whether it's relevant for the reader to know how a character got from A to B is your decision and if it is relevant it's far better for you to tell the reader how a character got wherever he is rather than having the reader scratch his head or wonder how the character got there.

It only takes one sentence or less.

Obviously many 'A to B' movements/transitions/journeys don't need any explaining at all. Depends on the world you've already created, what's normal in that world, how far apart A and B are or how tricky it is to get there. Does it matter? Your call.
 
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