A Mystery solved. Minsk Dec 16th 1944

Mud

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This is a flash fiction effort of mine. After posting it here (I think it was here) I made adjustments and entered it for a comp and got nowhere. Possibly, it should be read aloud; for which purpose I have added stage directions. Possibly, the reader has to be of a certain age to understand the tag? Of course it could be a bit off-piste?

Translated from the Russian - Intellectual property rights to sub-post mistress Handa Parcelova, (Bitcoins accepted)


A Mystery solved. Minsk Dec 16[SUP]th[/SUP] 1944
To be read in strong Russian accents.

Captain Yasha: “Leonid! Why are you on this truck? We are going to the Gulag!”

Leonid: (weeping continually) “Captain Yasha, my good friend. There has been a terrible mistake!”

Captain Yasha: "What have you done?”

Leonid: “Nothing, I was denounced by Ivanovitch. He covets my cherry orchard. He knows without me to administer it; my wife will have to retail it to him at a despicable renumeration. Forgive my tears. Please release me!”

Captain Yasha: “This is truly obnoxious. But I cannot help. I must deliver forty prisoners to be executed. If one is missing, they will execute me in their place.”

Leonid:(Still weeping) “Does it count for nothing that I married your sickly cousin?”

Captain Yasha: “I am truly repentant Leonid, it is fate.”

Leonid: “Why not take the orchard for yourself? We are passing it now. Save me and it is yours.”

Captain Yasha: “This one is your orchard? Train-station whore! Mmmmn, even in the snow I can see it is the most luminous in the valley. But alas I cannot release you.”

Leonid: “Wait! Look at this tall stranger trudging in the snow. Let him take my place.”

Captain Yasha: “But he will be missed.”

Leonid: “No, Yasha. He is not from this province, look at his unexpected clothing.”

Captain Yasha: “I will do it because you are family – (mumbling) and not forgetting the magnificent orchard. Give me your identity papers, and write a last testament bequeathing me the orchard. Be quick. I will collect the stranger and throw his papers onto the road for you. You will have to become this stranger. If you are unmasked, we will both be executed.”

Leonid: “That is easily accomplished. I am an educated Bourgeoisie, he is a peasant.”

Leonid climbs down from the Gulag truck, which disappears into the snow with the stranger. He collects the stranger’s identity papers from the road, opens them and reads

Leonid: Major Glen Miller.
 

Elle.

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Hi Mud,

The section of the forum to post story for critique is the Share Your Work sub-forum, so I'm sure a mod will come around and move this.

My main feedback would be that for me this isn't a flash it's just a piece of dialogue, very stilted and not natural dialogue, I'm afraid, without context and not enough for me to connect to any of the characters. I appreciate that flash can be experimental in form but this isn't working for me.

Furthermore you are relying on people knowing an obscure piece of trivia. I'm not sure how people would know without googling that big band leader Glen Miller disappeared mysteriously on 5th December 1944 (I had to google it).

Hopefully others will comment once it is in the correct section of the forum.
 

dpaterso

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I'd move it to SYW if I could figure out whether it's intended as a humor piece or a slice of history, or indeed a radio play.

To be read in strong Russian accents. made me crack a smile.

Glenn with double-n since it's obviously the bandleader. Accepting that he might somehow have survived the plane disaster in the English Channel, and been picked up by Russians and taken deep into Soviet territory, stretches my suspenders of disbelief somewhat. But I guess that might have happened....

Crappy luck for Leonid, life is full of cruel jests. But the unfortunate unknown alternative fate of this historical figure could be a much more interesting story.

-Derek