Well, after some time off, I have decided to get back on and see if I can get back into drivers seat. The problem is, I stared at my book, again, and the longing is there to finish it, but the desire isn't. Maybe collaboration is the only way to finish. Sad.
Been awhile
- Thread starter tommyrulez_99
- Start date
Well, it has been 12 yrs. The ending has eluded me and the start was boring. I cut out 5 pages of boring to end up with this opening.
The woods frightened him and he didn’t know why. He trudged down the trial staring at every shadow that crossed his gaze.
The strangers at Hiram’s had caused him to linger to long. Not very often were there strangers there. He usually just dropped off their crops and picked up supplies, but the stranger’s argument about monsters and war had kept him spellbound. Now darkness had started its hold
Harland froze at the sudden rustling of brush behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Slowly, he turned as the lead rope flowed from his hand and dropped to the ground.
The woods frightened him and he didn’t know why. He trudged down the trial staring at every shadow that crossed his gaze.
The strangers at Hiram’s had caused him to linger to long. Not very often were there strangers there. He usually just dropped off their crops and picked up supplies, but the stranger’s argument about monsters and war had kept him spellbound. Now darkness had started its hold
Harland froze at the sudden rustling of brush behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Slowly, he turned as the lead rope flowed from his hand and dropped to the ground.
It can be overwhelming at times. I think we've all been at the place where we look at what we have and how much we still need to do and can't find the energy to keep going. Have you tried just getting the words down on paper without reading them again and agonizing over them. Just get the bones setup, and then worry about editing later? It also helps sometimes just to put down bullet points. X goes to the enemy encampment. Sees 2 people being killed etc. Then expanding it, and expanding it until you have a chapter.
Welcome back, Tommyrulez_99. Can I suggests you re-read all the comments you got on your last SYW submission.
The above is all slow set-up with little for me to latch onto.
Can you jump straight to where something specific happens to a named character. Maybe the incident to which you are probably leading up to above. Or start earlier so we know at least something about what kept him spellbound at Hiram's and left him in fear in the dark - presumably on his way home.
Readers don't need as much introduction or set-up as we think they do. We need to know that stuff in order to help us write the story, but the reader wants the story to start now and to connect with somebody in a predicament, and doesn't need all the background up front. A name is a good connection to start with.
Good luck.
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Ok, I am here. It seems the only time I can write is when I am waking up in the morning and ideas come. It seems that I can stare at my story for hours at a time and never get any closer to fixing it. But as of yesterday, I might have finally received the beginning. So here goes. 229 words.
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The trepidation he felt as he stood staring at the trail to his home was new. He looked back at Lors. The stranger’s argument had held him spellbound with their tales of Krags and war. Hiram had called Krags evil, but Harland didn’t know what that word meant. He turned back to the trail. Sighing, he tugged the rope and led the donkey into the woods.
Harland froze at the sudden rustling of brush behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Slowly turning, as the lead rope flowed from his hand. The only way he knew there was someone standing in the trail was the way the darker forest seemed to silhouette the figure. All he could do was gape. "Would you like some light?" it asked.
"Yeesss" he stammered.
He stared in disbelief as words were spoken and a soft light glowed from what Harland thought was a long stick.
"What were you planning to do with that?" the figure asked, pointing to the knife in Harland’s hand. Uncomfortably conscious of the pain where his hand clenched the knife, his knuckles white. He had not been aware he had pulled it. "If I had wished to harm you, do you think you could have stopped me?" the strange figure continued. He stared at the figure, but kept his grip on the knife.
__________________________________________________________________
The trepidation he felt as he stood staring at the trail to his home was new. He looked back at Lors. The stranger’s argument had held him spellbound with their tales of Krags and war. Hiram had called Krags evil, but Harland didn’t know what that word meant. He turned back to the trail. Sighing, he tugged the rope and led the donkey into the woods.
Harland froze at the sudden rustling of brush behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Slowly turning, as the lead rope flowed from his hand. The only way he knew there was someone standing in the trail was the way the darker forest seemed to silhouette the figure. All he could do was gape. "Would you like some light?" it asked.
"Yeesss" he stammered.
He stared in disbelief as words were spoken and a soft light glowed from what Harland thought was a long stick.
"What were you planning to do with that?" the figure asked, pointing to the knife in Harland’s hand. Uncomfortably conscious of the pain where his hand clenched the knife, his knuckles white. He had not been aware he had pulled it. "If I had wished to harm you, do you think you could have stopped me?" the strange figure continued. He stared at the figure, but kept his grip on the knife.
Hi, Tommyrulez. There's still issues with this.
Can I start by saying you've obviously got imagination and that's half the battle.
And full marks to you for having the courage to post this. I hope some of my following comments are helpful to you. If not, ignore them.
Posted by=tommyrulez_99;10595119]Ok, I am here. It seems the only time I can write is when I am waking up in the morning and ideas come. It seems that I can stare at my story for hours at a time and never get any closer to fixing it. But as of yesterday, I might have finally received the beginning. So here goes. 229 words.
__________________________________________________________________
The trepidation he You again start without giving us a name to latch onto. Who?felt as he stood staring at the trail to his home was new. He looked back at Lors. I presume this is the stranger's name and the stranger is behind himThe stranger’s argument had held him spellbound with theirthis should be singular if it refers to the stranger, Lors tales of Krags and war. Hiram had called Krags evil, but Harland didn’t know what that word meant.That last sentence is meaningless He turned back to the trail. Sighing,Why? he tugged the rope What rope? and led the donkey into the woods.The woods only appear now.
Harland froze at the sudden rustling of brush behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. If he's leading a donkey, then surely the donkey is rustling brush or making a noise- no?Slowly turning, as the lead rope flowed from his hand.That is a fragment The only way he knew there was someone standing in the trailMight be preferable to say 'standing ahead of him' was the way the darker forest seemed to silhouette the figure. All he could do was gape. New paragraph"Would you like some light?" it asked.
"Yeesss" he stammered. That's a drawn out 'yes- a stammer would be Y-y-y-y-yes
He stared in disbelief as words were spoken and a soft light glowed from what Harland thought was a long stick. JAS- held in the stranger's hand.
"What were you planning to do with that?" the figure asked, pointing to the knife in Harland’s hand.This is a very awkward introduction to the fact Harland is holding a knife. This should be mentioned earlier- maybe when he first sees the stranger. Or perhaps he draws it now, in which case this paragraph should start with Harland drawing his knife. In any event it should be a new paragraph here. Uncomfortably conscious of the pain where his hand clenched the knife,Why- is he holding it by the blade? his knuckles white. He had not been aware he had pulled it. POV issue here. Ah- now you explain about the knife, but it's too late. [Again, new speaker here therefore- new paragraph otherwise it seems as though it's Harland who is speaking."If I had wished to harm you, do you think you could have stopped me?" the strange figure continued. Again , new paragraphHe stared at the figure, but kept his grip on the knife.[/QUOTE]
It's kind of confusing with all the above comments, so purely for your information, here's the post after implementing suggestions and my taking some freedom. Forgive me playing with your narrative but can you see how it flows a tad better when you use simple and direct sentences?
I know that's not exactly what you may wish to write but it does show you how a story opening can flow better and smoother if we focus on exactly what images we wish to convey, and put things in a logical order.
I hope you find some of what I have written to be helpful. Good luck.
Can I start by saying you've obviously got imagination and that's half the battle.
And full marks to you for having the courage to post this. I hope some of my following comments are helpful to you. If not, ignore them.
Posted by=tommyrulez_99;10595119]Ok, I am here. It seems the only time I can write is when I am waking up in the morning and ideas come. It seems that I can stare at my story for hours at a time and never get any closer to fixing it. But as of yesterday, I might have finally received the beginning. So here goes. 229 words.
__________________________________________________________________
The trepidation he You again start without giving us a name to latch onto. Who?felt as he stood staring at the trail to his home was new. He looked back at Lors. I presume this is the stranger's name and the stranger is behind himThe stranger’s argument had held him spellbound with theirthis should be singular if it refers to the stranger, Lors tales of Krags and war. Hiram had called Krags evil, but Harland didn’t know what that word meant.That last sentence is meaningless He turned back to the trail. Sighing,Why? he tugged the rope What rope? and led the donkey into the woods.The woods only appear now.
Harland froze at the sudden rustling of brush behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. If he's leading a donkey, then surely the donkey is rustling brush or making a noise- no?Slowly turning, as the lead rope flowed from his hand.That is a fragment The only way he knew there was someone standing in the trailMight be preferable to say 'standing ahead of him' was the way the darker forest seemed to silhouette the figure. All he could do was gape. New paragraph"Would you like some light?" it asked.
"Yeesss" he stammered. That's a drawn out 'yes- a stammer would be Y-y-y-y-yes
He stared in disbelief as words were spoken and a soft light glowed from what Harland thought was a long stick. JAS- held in the stranger's hand.
"What were you planning to do with that?" the figure asked, pointing to the knife in Harland’s hand.This is a very awkward introduction to the fact Harland is holding a knife. This should be mentioned earlier- maybe when he first sees the stranger. Or perhaps he draws it now, in which case this paragraph should start with Harland drawing his knife. In any event it should be a new paragraph here. Uncomfortably conscious of the pain where his hand clenched the knife,Why- is he holding it by the blade? his knuckles white. He had not been aware he had pulled it. POV issue here. Ah- now you explain about the knife, but it's too late. [Again, new speaker here therefore- new paragraph otherwise it seems as though it's Harland who is speaking."If I had wished to harm you, do you think you could have stopped me?" the strange figure continued. Again , new paragraphHe stared at the figure, but kept his grip on the knife.[/QUOTE]
It's kind of confusing with all the above comments, so purely for your information, here's the post after implementing suggestions and my taking some freedom. Forgive me playing with your narrative but can you see how it flows a tad better when you use simple and direct sentences?
I know that's not exactly what you may wish to write but it does show you how a story opening can flow better and smoother if we focus on exactly what images we wish to convey, and put things in a logical order.
I hope you find some of what I have written to be helpful. Good luck.
Thank you, I see where the structure of the strangers sentence was confusing. I added more lines to continue the flow of the story.
The trepidation Harland felt as he stood staring at the trail into the woods (yes, this should have been intro'd here)was new. He looked back at the town. (I should not have assumed the reader knew the name of the town.) The strangers argument in Lors had held him spellbound with their tales of Krags and war. Hiram had called Krags evil.
Turning back to the trail, Harland took a deep breath, tugged the donkey's harness and stepped into the woods.
As he walked, the sudden rustling of brush interrupted his memories. Instinctively pulling his knife, he whirled. The hairs on the back of his neck standing on end.
(Changed this line) Harland didn't understand this feeling as he stared at the figure that stood in the trail.
"Would you like some light?" it asked.
Harland gaped. "Y-e-e-s-ss" he stammered.
He stared in disbelief as a soft light glowed from what looked like a long stick held in the stranger's hand.
"What were you planning to do with that?" the figure asked, pointing to the knife in Harland’s hand. "If I had wished to harm you, do you think you could have stopped me?"
Harland stared at the figure, but kept his grip on the knife.
"Very well, keep your knife." There was amusement in the voice. "Are you Harland Harnell, son of Silas Harnell?" (Added last name)
He nodded to the question.
"Could you give your father a message for me?", It asked.
Harland shrugged, the knife now gripped with both hands keeping it between him and the stranger.
A brief flash, light reflecting off of metal, and Harland found himself moving instinctively. He heard a 'thunk' as metal sank into wood, and everything went blank.
The trepidation Harland felt as he stood staring at the trail into the woods (yes, this should have been intro'd here)was new. He looked back at the town. (I should not have assumed the reader knew the name of the town.) The strangers argument in Lors had held him spellbound with their tales of Krags and war. Hiram had called Krags evil.
Turning back to the trail, Harland took a deep breath, tugged the donkey's harness and stepped into the woods.
As he walked, the sudden rustling of brush interrupted his memories. Instinctively pulling his knife, he whirled. The hairs on the back of his neck standing on end.
(Changed this line) Harland didn't understand this feeling as he stared at the figure that stood in the trail.
"Would you like some light?" it asked.
Harland gaped. "Y-e-e-s-ss" he stammered.
He stared in disbelief as a soft light glowed from what looked like a long stick held in the stranger's hand.
"What were you planning to do with that?" the figure asked, pointing to the knife in Harland’s hand. "If I had wished to harm you, do you think you could have stopped me?"
Harland stared at the figure, but kept his grip on the knife.
"Very well, keep your knife." There was amusement in the voice. "Are you Harland Harnell, son of Silas Harnell?" (Added last name)
He nodded to the question.
"Could you give your father a message for me?", It asked.
Harland shrugged, the knife now gripped with both hands keeping it between him and the stranger.
A brief flash, light reflecting off of metal, and Harland found himself moving instinctively. He heard a 'thunk' as metal sank into wood, and everything went blank.
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New question. I broke up the first chapter in two. I inserted another chapter to introduce the antagonist. I don't want to interrupt the story flow, but the second chapter opens with the krag and intro's the stranger.
One exercise I found useful for my chapters was to map each scene to a scene (goal-conflict-disaster) or a sequel (reaction-dilemma-decision.)
Scene-Sequel
I actually color-coded my manuscript in Word to make sure I had complete scenes and sequels. Things that didn't fit the model were massaged into a better form, or else put on the chopping block. Three chunks of the story (maybe 2000 words altogether) came out because they did not match the scene-sequel model and the story was better for it.
Then, I looked at my chapter endings to see where I tended to naturally end chapters, and I asked which endings are more forward-pulling.
For me, (and your mileage may vary), ending on a disaster is most forward pulling. Ending on a decision is less forward pulling, and I did not tend end in the middle of a scene or sequel (though I've seen others do so effectively; usually, the narrative continues immediately in the next chapter, no alternating viewpoint).
I also, for what it is worth, because I am a nerd, rated the intensity (tension) of each scene and other metrics. A fraught scene is a 10, a placid scene is a 1.
Then I put it (the manuscript metrics) into Excel and graphed it! I math'd my book! Isn't that fun?
(Oh, I'm getting distracted by math. Sorry.)
So to answer your implied question, I'd say you can probably break the first chapter into two, but take a look at your scene structure to get a feel for whether it is working well or not especially with regard to where you end Chapter 1.
(Personally, I introduced the second viewpoint character after a prologue and two chapters of the first viewpoint character. I wanted the reader solid with the first character before bringing in #2. My main villain is not a viewpoint character, and he comes in in chapter 5, around the 12% mark of the story. FWIW. Numbers!
)
^^ We have a goal. Harland is heading toward a destination.
^^ This is your conflict. It prevents the character from reaching his goal, and it takes most of the space of a scene, as it normally might be expected to do. .
^^ That is the disaster.
Your excerpt matches 'scene' structure. I don't know if dissecting it like this is helpful to you, but it always is to me.
Scene-Sequel
I actually color-coded my manuscript in Word to make sure I had complete scenes and sequels. Things that didn't fit the model were massaged into a better form, or else put on the chopping block. Three chunks of the story (maybe 2000 words altogether) came out because they did not match the scene-sequel model and the story was better for it.
Then, I looked at my chapter endings to see where I tended to naturally end chapters, and I asked which endings are more forward-pulling.
For me, (and your mileage may vary), ending on a disaster is most forward pulling. Ending on a decision is less forward pulling, and I did not tend end in the middle of a scene or sequel (though I've seen others do so effectively; usually, the narrative continues immediately in the next chapter, no alternating viewpoint).
I also, for what it is worth, because I am a nerd, rated the intensity (tension) of each scene and other metrics. A fraught scene is a 10, a placid scene is a 1.
Then I put it (the manuscript metrics) into Excel and graphed it! I math'd my book! Isn't that fun?
(Oh, I'm getting distracted by math. Sorry.)
So to answer your implied question, I'd say you can probably break the first chapter into two, but take a look at your scene structure to get a feel for whether it is working well or not especially with regard to where you end Chapter 1.
(Personally, I introduced the second viewpoint character after a prologue and two chapters of the first viewpoint character. I wanted the reader solid with the first character before bringing in #2. My main villain is not a viewpoint character, and he comes in in chapter 5, around the 12% mark of the story. FWIW. Numbers!
)^^ We have a goal. Harland is heading toward a destination.
^^ This is your conflict. It prevents the character from reaching his goal, and it takes most of the space of a scene, as it normally might be expected to do. .
^^ That is the disaster.
Your excerpt matches 'scene' structure. I don't know if dissecting it like this is helpful to you, but it always is to me.
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Thanks Patty! Maybe, I should have asked that question in a new post. Synopsis is not something I am generally good at, but...
Harland feels a new emotion. Is it because of the tales of the strangers or because of the woods? A stranger appears, he goes home and the sight of the dagger causes his father stress. Harland's mother gets upset when father hurts Harland. Father tries too explain and the chapter ends when father leaves and shows the dagger to a friend.
Second chapter begins with a Krag welcoming the antagonist home. I am attempting two event occurrence. Harland goes home, antagonist goes home. Ah ha moment, I suppose I could interject antagonist into show them leaving after interacting with Harland.
Harland feels a new emotion. Is it because of the tales of the strangers or because of the woods? A stranger appears, he goes home and the sight of the dagger causes his father stress. Harland's mother gets upset when father hurts Harland. Father tries too explain and the chapter ends when father leaves and shows the dagger to a friend.
Second chapter begins with a Krag welcoming the antagonist home. I am attempting two event occurrence. Harland goes home, antagonist goes home. Ah ha moment, I suppose I could interject antagonist into show them leaving after interacting with Harland.
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