Please help me get the tense right

Gregg Bell

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I get mental about tense.

This is what I had and it seems fine to me. I put three paragraphs in there for context. The whole novel is in past tense. This is from the epilogue.

Nothing was easy for Connie after that. Her guilt still weighed heavily upon her. But to have Miranda’s forgiveness allowed her to go on living. It allowed her to see that, rather than giving up, she should do all she could to help children like Todd recover from brain injuries.

And her father had indeed made a big mistake. He, of course, will have the best lawyers representing him, but he’s been charged, along with organized crime figures, with felony gambling. He’s facing two-to-five years in prison and if convicted, he’d be disbarred, but he was confident he would be found not-guilty. Ari said he discovered Connie’s father’s mystery injuries that laid him up at home had been caused by mobsters using baseball bats to collect a gambling debt. Ari was working with her father’s legal team to defend him.

Connie couldn’t recover the fall term of medical school, but she was able, with Assistant Dean Hartigan’s help, to make up the term during the summer. She lost her coveted residency at Northwestern Memorial but managed to obtain a lesser position, which she was very grateful for, at a small, suburban hospital.



A reader pointed out I dipped into present tense in those two sentences, so I wrote this (changes in blue):



Nothing was easy for Connie after that. Her guilt still weighed heavily upon her. But to have Miranda’s forgiveness allowed her to go on living. It allowed her to see that, rather than giving up, she should do all she could to help children like Todd recover from brain injuries.

And her father had indeed made a big mistake. He, of course, would have the best lawyers representing him, but he’d been charged, along with organized crime figures, with felony gambling. He faced two-to-five years in prison and if convicted, he’d be disbarred, but he was confident he would be found not-guilty. Ari said he discovered Connie’s father’s mystery injuries that laid him up at home had been caused by mobsters using baseball bats to collect a gambling debt. Ari was working with her father’s legal team to defend him.

Connie couldn’t recover the fall term of medical school, but she was able, with Assistant Dean Hartigan’s help, to make up the term during the summer. She lost her coveted residency at Northwestern Memorial but managed to obtain a lesser position, which she was very grateful for, at a small, suburban hospital.



And looking at this over and over I have lost a sense of judgment. Do either of these work? Something else? And please I'm not looking to re-write the paragraphs. (I know so many of you are more elegant than me.) I just don't want the tense in those two sentences to be noticeably off. Thanks!
 

Bufty

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Hi, Gregg. I've only focussed on the two sentences highlighted. May or may not help.:Hug2:

If convicted on a charge of felony gambling he would face two-to-five years in prison plus disbarment, but with the best lawyers in town he was confident of an acquittal.
 

Chase

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He, of course, will have the best lawyers representing him, but he’s been charged, along with organized crime figures, with felony gambling. He’s facing two-to-five years in prison and if convicted, he’d be disbarred, but he was confident he would be found not-guilty.

Another simplified alternative in all past tense:

With RICO and felony gambling charges, he faced disbarment and two to five years in prison, but with the best lawyers representing him, he remained confident he'd be found not guilty.
 

ironmikezero

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Bufty and Chase are on the right track; consider consolidating/simplifying the relevant sentence(s).

Also, a word of caution . . . I wouldn't recommend mentioning RICO, since your character would be facing a lot more time (20 years to life) and some heavy civil asset seizure/forfeiture penalties. See the link . . .

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/content/rico-act.html
 
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Girlsgottawrite

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This is the only line I found issues with. I made my changes red.

He, of course, will have the best lawyers representing him, but he’s been charged, along with organized crime figures, with felony gambling. He’s facing two-to-five years in prison and if convicted, he’ll be disbarred, but he is confident he will be found not-guilty.
 
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Gregg Bell

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Another simplified alternative in all past tense:

With RICO and felony gambling charges, he faced disbarment and two to five years in prison, but with the best lawyers representing him, he remained confident he'd be found not guilty.

Thanks Chase.
 

Gregg Bell

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Bufty and Chase are on the right track; consider consolidating/simplifying the relevant sentence(s).

Also, a word of caution . . . I wouldn't recommend mentioning RICO, since your character would be facing a lot more time (20 years to life) and some heavy civil asset seizure/forfeiture penalties. See the link . . .

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/content/rico-act.html

Thanks Mike. And thanks for the link. Although I must admit I just skimmed the RICO act. ;)
 

Gregg Bell

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This is the only line I found issues with. I made my changes red.

He, of course, will have the best lawyers representing him, but he’s been charged, along with organized crime figures, with felony gambling. He’s facing two-to-five years in prison and if convicted, he’ll be disbarred, but he is confident he will be found not-guilty.

Thank you, Girls. :)