Which Tagline Should I Use?

I feel like an idiot, but your current tagline confuses me. I keep noticing it in your sig and not really getting the joke. So I do think a change would be a good idea. The whole captain/admiral of industry thing also doesn’t tell me it’s space opera, or even SF.

If it is space opera, GotG is a great comp to use. But to my mind, adding Always Sunny makes it confusing and over-complex again, since that’s a sitcom set in contemporary America. GotG is already full of narcissistic characters and snarky humor, so you’ve got that covered. Maybe think of a comp that’s closer to GotG (also SFF), or say something like “GotG if Peter Quill were a female captain of industry who’s determined to own the entire universe”? Or combine the comp with the second sentence in your sig, which is nice and catchy. For taglines, I think simple/literal is good, especially when you need that tagline to establish your subgenre.

The first confuses me, as well. My instinct is to glaze over that tagline and move on.

For the second line, I have a nitpick. The "totally outrageous" 1980s tropes of Guardians of the Galaxy and what I've heard described as the "dry humor" of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia make me think "outlandish" and "outrageous" should be swapped.

I don't understand the tagline you're using. And both of them are too long and convoluted to work as taglines. I think you need to come up with something about half the length, which is much more punchy and direct.

How about paring it down to 'Can the galaxy survive her quest for fortune and glory?'

But taglines are meant to be simple. You're doing your book no favours by trying to complicate this.

Margrave86 said:

Too simple. Not punny enough for my tastes.

I was thinking of "Taking the galactic economy by storm. A perfect storm." since the phrase 'perfect storm' was thrown around a lot during the subprime lending crisis. I'm not sure if that's too esoteric, though.

Click to expand...

Are you trying to appeal to an audience or just amusing yourself? The two are not mutually exclusive, of course, but you might have to make a choice.

'Perfect storm' isn't so much esoteric as uninformative.

Margrave86 said:

"She's getting promoted from captain of industry to admiral, and she's not taking 'Capitalism doesn't work that way!' for an answer."

<snip> I like it because clever wordplay

Click to expand...

Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't understand where the clever word play is in that tagline.

Helix said:

'Perfect storm' isn't so much esoteric as uninformative.

Click to expand...

And seconding this.

When I hear "perfect storm", the subprime lending crisis is far from the first thing that comes to mind.

be frank said:

Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't understand where the clever word play is in that tagline.

Click to expand...

+1 to this.

Margrave86 said:

My main character doesn't understand anything about running a business and has confused 'captain of industry', which isn't a military rank, with military promotion from captain to admiral. And in the second part, I swapped out the cliche 'not taking "no" for an answer', typically used to demonstrate commitment in the face of adversity, with 'not taking "Capitalism doesn't work that way!" for an answer', to show that her hardship comes from her own misunderstanding of how to run a business.

It combines wordplay and characterizes my main character at the same time, and that's why I like it.

Click to expand...

If you have to explain it to folks, it doesn't make a very good tagline, IMO. I mean, I got the gist of it, but it didn't hook me or make me want to know more (and based on your comps, it should be something that sucks me right in). You know the character, so immediately make all of those connections. A reader skimming over quickly might well just think, Huh?, and move on.

Back to the point of the thread as to whether you should change it to something more blunt. IMO, something more direct (like the comps comparison) or simply a clearer and more snappy tagline might serve you better. YMMV.

All the best,
Riv

Margrave86 said:

My main character doesn't understand anything about running a business and has confused 'captain of industry', which isn't a military rank, with military promotion from captain to admiral. And in the second part, I swapped out the cliche 'not taking "no" for an answer', typically used to demonstrate commitment in the face of adversity, with 'not taking "Capitalism doesn't work that way!" for an answer', to show that her hardship comes from her own misunderstanding of how to run a business.

It combines wordplay and characterizes my main character at the same time, and that's why I like it.

Click to expand...

I saw it in your other thing and think I said it was lost on me there -- captain =/ capital, hence. capitalism isn't like... captaining or some such. Also, the beginning of this explanation struck me as the same disconnect as in the other thread. Confusing 'captain of industry' and captain the actual rank isn't, to me, not understanding business, it's operating on a 7-year-old level. There's clueless about something and then there's mentally challenged and your character consistently reads the latter when I think you mean her to be the former.

Really, what I think you're using now is a short blurb, not a tagline.

Short blurbs have their place (some newsletter advertising sites require them), and you can always lead off your main blurb this way. But it's too many words to be an effective tagline, IMO, and I don't think you'll like the visual result if you stick it on your cover.

Taglines are simple. My understanding of them is that they're the visual equivalent to a book cover, and meant to be used in concert with one. Less is really more in this area. http://www.wow-womenonwriting.com/69-FE-Taglines.html. This site gives the Percy Jackson tagline: Half boy. Half god. All hero.

That's the sort of thing you're looking for. It's a slogan for your book, like "It's the real thing" or "The happiest place on Earth." If I have to think about it, it's the wrong tagline.

My attempts, which can definitely be improved because a positive is usually better than a negative (are you still following this thread, cornflake and Riv? ):

Captain of industry. It's not like leading troops into battle.

Capitalism marches to the beat of a different drummer.

Can a military genius survive being a CEO?

Anyway, that sort of thing. : )

I like that! I’m familiar with that usage of own/pwn, and I’m not a gamer; I think it’s pretty common online and in the SFF community. That could just be me, of course.

You could also consider using a snappy line from the book itself that sums up the concept. My publisher just did this with my book, and lo and behold, it’s the very same line I’d been thinking would make a good tagline.

Margrave86 said:

Problem is, as a veteran of the early 2000s PC gaming scene, I know that 'to own' is a verb meaning to defeat the competition. But I'm not sure how widespread that usage is in general society. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Click to expand...

I know it, and that may not be a good thing. It might mean it's outdated. (I myself am extremely outdated - in an entirely adorable way... )