Questions about Beta Readers from Someone with Extreme Social Anxiety

The Second Moon · May 1, 2019

Basically, I know only this about beta readers: they are a complete stranger who readers your not-first-draft manuscript and gives feedback.

That sounds like something I will need a little bit in the future, but there is a problem. I have a form of extreme social anxiety called Selective Mutism. What Selective Mutism is, is that I can talk fine at home with my close family, but I can't talk and get super anxious when in public. (if this explanation doesn't make sense then please look it up).

I know that Beta readers don't meet in public all the time, but I would still feel a little anxious (but better than meeting in person) swapping e-mails or stories with a complete stranger.

I don't know what to do. I really want to self-publish my book, but... I'm scared to communicate with people. I know I should suck it up and be brave. But with this mental disorder, I...I just don't know how to.

And an editor....How do I get one if I'm terrified to talk to people? My mom has some author friends (I don't know them) who she says would be willing to edit my book for money, but my sister tried to edit with one of them and they were... well, not very good at it.

In your opinion, what should I do? Suck it up and be brave? Or is there something else I could do that would be easier for me to find a beta reader?

Sorry, if I sound like a whiny baby, but even writing about finding a beta reader makes me feel like crying and hiding from the world.

Keep in mind I don't need a beta reader now, but I might need one later on.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

lizmonster · May 1, 2019

The Second Moon said:
Basically, I know only this about beta readers: they are a complete stranger who readers your not-first-draft manuscript and gives feedback.

That sounds like something I will need a little bit in the future, but there is a problem. I have a form of extreme social anxiety called Selective Mutism. What Selective Mutism is, is that I can talk fine at home with my close family, but I can't talk and get super anxious when in public. (if this explanation doesn't make sense then please look it up).

I know that Beta readers don't meet in public all the time, but I would still feel a little anxious (but better than meeting in person) swapping e-mails or stories with a complete stranger.

I don't know what to do. I really want to self-publish my book, but... I'm scared to communicate with people. I know I should suck it up and be brave. But with this mental disorder, I...I just don't know how to.

And an editor....How do I get one if I'm terrified to talk to people? My mom has some author friends (I don't know them) who she says would be willing to edit my book for money, but my sister tried to edit with one of them and they were... well, not very good at it.

In your opinion, what should I do? Suck it up and be brave? Or is there something else I could do that would be easier for me to find a beta reader?

Sorry, if I sound like a whiny baby, but even writing about finding a beta reader makes me feel like crying and hiding from the world.

Keep in mind I don't need a beta reader now, but I might need one later on.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

1) You are NOT a whiny baby. You have anxiety. It's not childish; it's a condition.

2) I am a huge proponent of email-only relationships. One of my crit partners is someone I've never spoken to; our entire relationship (more than 8 years now!) has taken place on line. You do not have to talk to anyone face to face if you don't want to.

3) You've got plenty of posts now, and lots of people on this board who know you. I'd ask for beta readers in the Beta forum, and make a note that communication will need to be in writing only. You don't have to specify why, but you can; it's not an unreasonable request, and a lot of people will be relieved you don't expect to meet or chat with them.

Even trade-published, I don't think I actually spoke with my editor more than twice, and both of those times could easily have been done over email instead. All of our productive work happened in writing. You don't have to be face-to-face socially adept to publish, either trade or self.

The Second Moon · May 1, 2019

Thanks, lizmonster. You words fill me with ease. Maybe I'm just worrying.

lizmonster · May 1, 2019

The Second Moon said:
Thanks, lizmonster. You words fill me with ease. Maybe I'm just worrying.

There's a lot of worry associated with publishing. Be kind to yourself, and absolutely ask for reassurance. You're not alone here.

Gillhoughly · May 1, 2019

Oh, sweetie-pie, you are in good company, because what you have instantly reminded me of Emily Dickinson, and she did all right for herself!

https://www.thoughtco.com/famous-recluses-3024268

All you need do when the time comes for a beta or an editor is explain what's going on for you just as you have done here. Make sure the editor you hire understands you need gentle treatment.

I tell my editors, "If you want changes, the best way is to make me think their my idea! Let me do those changes myself, don't do them for me, just point out the spot."

Words I use when editing are consider, may want, and suggest.

"Consider making this line two sentences, and I would suggest the second one might work better in a simpler form." Or -- "You may want to delete/trim this paragraph, it repeats info from p. 10." Ask them to highlight word reps and leave them for to you to delete.

A good editor will respect your words and it is perfectly okay to ask them to do a sample edit of a couple pages as a job interview. You BOTH have to be comfortable with each other!

Now, it is all too easy to get worked up and worry and overthink the worst scenarios, but when you are upfront with people, they will respect the boundaries you set, no problem!

Tazlima · May 1, 2019

Gosh... Not only have I never spoken aloud to any of my beta readers, I never even considered it! That WOULD be anxiety-inducing.

I've only ever done beta swaps with people I met through this forum, and we've only ever communicated in writing. When you're both writers, it just feels like the natural way to proceed, and written feedback is better both when you're writing it (because you can word things carefully) and reading it (because you can absorb and mull over feedback at your own pace).

ETA - I know there are some beta-reader horror stories out there, but all my beta experiences have been overwhelmingly positive, and I'd happily swap with any of them again in the future.

Bing Z · May 1, 2019

I have beta'ed for several authors and I have never spoken with anyone of them. I never asked for real names, marital status, not even gender. Never expected to befriend them. The whole process is about the work, not the person. For more exotic interpersonal experience I guess I will get a whole lot more from tinder.

But there are some measures you can take to, hopefully, lessen the burden: lay out your condition--written form only, etc; suggest on a partial of, say a few chapters to test the water (and pull out if you don't feel comfortable with the style of the critique or the person's way of communicating); create a disposable email addy for this purpose... [email protected] or something.

Kat M · May 1, 2019

If you are trying to figure out who to ask to beta, or if you put out a request and get feelers, you can decide if you want that person to beta for you based on their style. There's Bing Z's excellent suggestion of trying a few chapters first rather than the whole thing. You can also snoop on feedback and SYW threads and see what that person's style is and ask yourself if you're OK to have them talk that way about your work. For example, before I posted in the "first 3 sentences" thread I paid attention to the regulars' feedback styles. That way I knew who would be harsh and who would be gentle and also knew that they talked that way to everyone, which helped me. Now, I don't have anxiety, so if this doesn't work for you, I get that!

Also echoing what other people have said about laying out your specific needs. I can't speak to the industry, but if you ask someone to beta and they are put off by you making a request like that, you DEFINITELY don't want them to beta for you. It would not be a good fit!

And to echo what lizmonster said, x100, YOU ARE NOT A WHINY BABY. You are figuring out a way to achieve your goals despite some big, real personal challenges, and that's about as far removed from whiny baby as you can get.

WriteMinded · May 17, 2019

You post comments and questions here on AW without your anxiety interfering, and we are strangers. Some of us are very strange indeed.

Exchanging stories and getting feedback through email is not much different. Can you think of it that way?

lianna williamson · Jun 13, 2019

Ditto that I have been a beta 10+ times and had 6-7 betas look at my work, and never spoken directly to any of them. All our communication has been through personal messages on this forum, e-mail, and google doc comments. It is not the slightest bit weird to conduct your beta relationships this way!

Questions about Beta Readers from Someone with Extreme Social Anxiety

The Second Moon

lizmonster

Possibly A Mermaid Queen

The Second Moon

lizmonster

Possibly A Mermaid Queen

Gillhoughly

Grumpy writer and editor

Tazlima

Bing Z

illiterate primate

Kat M

Ooh, look! String!

WriteMinded

Derailed

lianna williamson