How much monologuing is too much monologuing? In 1st/3rd person.

AshlynnHeart · Dec 16, 2018

I noticed in my previous writing I reveal too much about what the character is thinking all the time. Especially around bits of dialogue as a reaction. It looks and sounds snarky and funny or some times brings up important questions like the reader is thinking them.
As I write in third person limited and away from first person, it gets very out of place. Even my first person would look good without it. The constant questions begin to be insulting even to me.
Where can these monologues fit in and not be annoying? What should and should not be in a monologue? If I just replace these with other types of actions, would it convey the same emotion?

First Person:
Just my luck, the clairvoyant girl sat in front of me. She was taking her time to eat her eggs.
"You don't have any predictions for me, today?" I joked.
She set her food down and looks straight at me, "There are two sides, you have to choose one!"
Of course she does.
*
“We have classes here?” I asked.
I thought here would be a free spirit sort of place. I guess not.

Third Person Limited:
He wanted to punch him the face. But, his mind went to work. If the best President of his time requested this out of him, would that make it his new destiny? Was this his new big step to hope? What if they couldn’t find anything out of the bounds? What if they really did die?
*
This could be it. They might be able to know what happened to their last president and the collapse of civilization. This was what he should be doing instead of teaching a bunch of people or going out into space.

MaeZe · Dec 16, 2018

We can't really critique your excerpt until you have 50 posts and post it in ShowYourWork. So I didn't read it.

But I can give you a general answer to your question. There are lots of books where the first person narration of the main character dominates the text. I'm not sure how that comes off in third, usually it's in first.

But if you think you are revealing too much about the character's thoughts, maybe you are. Keep writing and come back to it later. It's not going away and neither is your delete key.

Are you revealing things that are necessary to move the story forward? Can they be revealed later? Or are they better when revealed later?

Or, is this the best way to build your character for your readers? Typically one wants to build your character with a variety of things besides inner monologue.

You have to look at the bigger picture to best answer your question.

AshlynnHeart · Dec 16, 2018

I wasn’t looking for a critique rather than just showing examples of my case. Thank you for answering me regardless. It seems that a lot of my monologuing aka side talk is more piggyback commenting. While true and related to the situation, somethings could be left unsaid or left till later. Or even better compile everything into a single action. Which all of these support your answer.

Lakey · Dec 17, 2018

Hello AshlynnHeart. I think I understand what you are talking about, and I think I have struggled with it too. I have found when I’m revising scenes that there is sometimes so much internal monologue as to bog down the pace of the scene. I have found two techniques that can help me reduce the internal dialogue without losing its value, tightening up the scenes. See if either of these helps you.

(1) Are you telling your readers things that the readers can probably infer on their own from what else is going on in the scene? Writers often are afraid to trust their readers to read between the lines, but trusting them can make your writing tighter and make reading it a more engaging and participatory experience. Cut out internal monologue that is only there to make subtext into text, and trust your readers to read between the lines.

(2) Can you convert some of the internal monologue into dialogue? Characters who silently comment on everything around them can be fun, but characters who blurt out some of that commentary can be even more fun. Using this technique improved my dialogue scenes so much! It’s a rich source of oblique dialogue - when your character doesn’t want to answer another character directly, but wants to shift the subject or draw attention away from herself, she can comment on something else in the room. And it’s an opportunity to inject conflict into your scenes, by having your character say things that she might have done better to keep to herself.

Good luck!
:e2coffee:

starrystorm · Dec 17, 2018

I don't see a problem with a lot of internal dialogue unless it's making the reader forget what was going on. I think it's a style choice. Maybe that's because I do it too. But I think in first person its a lot easier for the reader. Again, my opinion.

Blinkk · Dec 17, 2018

Have you read the Alex Verus series? Monologuing FOREVER. The MC is a diviner, so he can see the future. He has intense thoughts on the world around him and a very interesting view of himself and how he fits into the world. He's a deep thinker - that's just part of his character - so of course he's going to monologue at you a lot.

It's not pointless banter though. Alex's monologuing is building his character. By hearing his thought process the reader really understands the character on a different level.

I don't think anything is wrong with your examples. If anything, it builds the sarcasm aspect of your character. Is that what you were going for?

VeryBigBeard · Dec 17, 2018

As others have said, what this really needs is a crit, because you can't totally excise this question from the context in which the writing appears. I.e., the story. And tone, voice, characterization, etc., all across a broader scene.

But there's also a difference between interior monologue as narrative device, a monologue as dramatic speech, and rhetorical questions. Overuse of rhetorical questions, to me, begins to grate on the nerves quickly. It's kind of lazy writing sometimes--rather than articulate a full thought, it's easier to just throw a "will this be terrible?" in--read on to find out! Doesn't mean you can't use them effectively, of course, especially if it's a quirk of your narrator's voice.

Interior monologue you need, though. It's something too many new writers do far too little of. Likewise, it can be overused--which usually appears as info-dumping--but that's very much something I'd need to see in an excerpt to really comment on.

When you get 50 posts, post a bit in SYW and you'll get lots of comments.

Odile_Blud · Dec 17, 2018

As far as your third person version goes, I do think some of it could be cut. I feel it would be better if you left a little of it objective where the reader could determine what the character is thinking or feeling. I'm not sure where the rest of the context is, but that second line would probably be better if you just left it at, "This could be it." I don't think it's bad, though. If I were reading this in a published novel, it probably wouldn't pull me out of the story, but I do feel it would read a bit smoother if some of it were cut.

My best advice would to go through and think about what lines you feel you do and don't need. Sometimes, you don't need any internal monologue at all, and you can imply what the character feels and thinks through his/her actions. It fits into the "show not tell" category. There are places where it is much better to show your character's thoughts and emotions through action and how they react to a certain thing. This often enhances that emotion as well, as I have personally discovered that, when it comes to creating emotion, less means more.

Honestly, as much as I know we all hate this advice, it's one of those things where you have to determine yourself what fits right for your story, but if you want to get an idea of how it reads to others, if you haven't already, share some of the manuscript with someone who can give you an honest critique.

AshlynnHeart · Dec 23, 2018

Thanks for all of you for your responses!

Woollybear · Dec 23, 2018

VeryBigBeard said:
As others have said, what this really needs is a crit, because you can't totally excise this question from the context in which the writing appears. I.e., the story. And tone, voice, characterization, etc., all across a broader scene.

But there's also a difference between interior monologue as narrative device, a monologue as dramatic speech, and rhetorical questions. Overuse of rhetorical questions, to me, begins to grate on the nerves quickly. It's kind of lazy writing sometimes--rather than articulate a full thought, it's easier to just throw a "will this be terrible?" in--read on to find out! Doesn't mean you can't use them effectively, of course, especially if it's a quirk of your narrator's voice.

Interior monologue you need, though. It's something too many new writers do far too little of. Likewise, it can be overused--which usually appears as info-dumping--but that's very much something I'd need to see in an excerpt to really comment on.

When you get 50 posts, post a bit in SYW and you'll get lots of comments.

I agree with Lakey and Very Big Beard (and the others too)-- I quoted VBB because the bolded part is definitely something I need to do more of.

I think questions (rhetorical or not) pop up in early drafts--and they do grate on me as a reader, so I cut most. But they serve a purpose in the early drafts of getting my thoughts about the story into concrete form. So maybe it's like this for you too? Maybe you are finding the story.

It (these sorts of questions) seems to be something I see more in published first person than third. But it's in both to some extent.

How much monologuing is too much monologuing? In 1st/3rd person.

AshlynnHeart

MaeZe

AshlynnHeart

Lakey

professional dilettante

starrystorm

Blinkk

Searching for dragons

VeryBigBeard

Preparing for winter

Odile_Blud

-_-

AshlynnHeart

Woollybear