12.1.18
...

mayhaps everyone creates this list.
a list of unrealistic, or more often
hyper realistic
people i've mentally fucked.
those who i would and sometimes have,
often will,
try on.
once their initiation is set,
the scene once explored,
is now run rampant.
the imaginative
touch of their fingers
a close up look of lashes
the feel of their crooked
rarely perfect teeth.
your own kinks & fantasies
playing out in curious,
incredibly entertaining detail.
the assumed texture of cool skin;
the awareness and recoil if the imagined,
usually never discovered,
expectations are in fact shattered
by realistic awareness.
shrouded & in memorium when
truth surfaces & breaks mental tension.
their hands are clammy.
their teeth veneers.
married & happy.

in that moment though,
they're yours to explore.
a warm breath, sweet oils,
a tiny skip of anticipation.
the strangely amourous
scent of sweat & pheramones
linger as a backbeat to
your mind's creation & fixation.
memories of the nostalgic variety
becoming clear with the new attribution.
they have no idea.
the way they lean into your words.
playing with a straw wrapper.
watching intently some meaningless sport activity.
you're placing them in the center of your subliminal
fantasy, using their rapt expression as a signal to
continue this mental quest & conquer.
they lick their lips.
slide a hand against
the top of the chair &
my gaze is aloof, i will not
show my internal deviance.
my hearing drowns as i notice only the
traits necessary to my personal agenda.
i only see their
flushed cheeks
precious tendrils of face framing locks,
the way they lean into the table.
that lisp.
that accent
the way they say my name.
a moment of pause decends as
my mind races through possibilities.
a moment that i can
replay
eternally.

and then
it happens
while you are staring at this person
in all of this fantasy glory
they turn
their eyes twinkling
a malicious smirk
playing on the corners of their lips
and ask you
how is he doing
your mind then shatters back to your reality
and that human,
that you loved,
that was your world,
an hour ago - before this started
comes crashing down on your mental parade
and becomes this anchor
this ball and chain
this source of animosity
that's keeping your from everything
you ever wanted
in that moment.