Moving your characters around within a scene

LesFewer · Nov 20, 2018

Not sure if this is trivial or not but I've encountered it more than once so I thought I'd ask for advice.

One example was my group is exploring a huge warehouse that's full of cardboard boxes. The boxes are eight feet tall and are stacked so that they're in sort of a maze, like a hedge maze. In the center of this warehouse is an open area full of conveyor belts and other machinery. I had a hard time saying that "they moved from maze of boxes into the open area", it just didn't seem right. If I assume my reader remembers they are in the boxes I could say "the moved into the open area." Each way I tried it seemed awkward.

Another was the group moving across a city. "They walked down a highway. They climbed down the berm and walked through a residential area. They saw the warehouse ahead and walked to that." Seems awkward too.

Yet another was were my protagonist was in the hall and I had to move her to the bedroom. "She entered the bedroom." Again, it seems awkward. "She moved to the bedroom." doesn't sound right either.

Any suggestions? Am I making too big a deal out of it?

Masel · Nov 20, 2018

We talked about this in my writing group. It seems a first draft has a lot of "stage direction" that when you go back and edit won't seem or awkward or will be more easy to remove because of the context. I've stopped worrying about those things at this stage in my writing.

The other thing I try to do is have something character based happen while doing something mundane like walking in a door. For example, grope for a light switch even though electricity is out, grip the door jam and breath for a second, peek back at the people coming down the hall, run fingers over the room number.

Roxxsmom · Nov 20, 2018

A lot of this depends on things like your narrative viewpoint and on what needs to happen during the scene, or on what the reader needs to know to understand what is happening. I tend to write in a single person's viewpoint, whether limited third or first, so I convey information through that person's eyes. So I might write something like:

I stepped into the warehouse, Sue and Bob at my heels. Machinery thumbed and groaned, hidden somewhere behind a wall of boxes and crates.

"Which way?" asked Sue in a voice that was nearly drowned out by the noise. "How are we going to find it?"

"Let's try this way." I pointed towards the nearest gap in the wall of crates and stepped through into a narrow corridor and began to navigate the twisting, dimly lit maze. Something small and dark scuttled across my path--a rat. After a few false turns, the thumping sound grew louder. "we're on the right track," I said over my shoulder. Finally, we stepped into a clear area, and...

I'm not saying this approach would work for what you've visualized or for your narrative style, but there are a ton of ways to convey information about setting as the characters move through it.

Bufty · Nov 20, 2018

Focus on the reason for the movement - not the movement itself. If they are in a warehouse and decide to check Area C next, I assume they walk there without you telling me they walked there.

How a character actually physically moves to get from square A to square B can easily be visualised by a reader if the scene is unfolding properly in a strong POV.

What happens while they move from A to B? If it's nothing, then don't dwell on it.

Get inside that camera on the shoulder of your POV character and simply relate what you see through the eye of the camera. Show me so I can imagine what is happening and how they get from here to there - as opposed to you directly telling me what you want me to see them doing.

Subtle difference. Any help?

Fallen · Nov 20, 2018

If you look at the steps of all the above posts, you can see the move from showing in a basic way, to a more advanced level of showing:

1:

Fortz said:
"they moved from maze of boxes into the open area", "the moved into the open area." "They walked down a highway. They climbed down the berm and walked through a residential area. They saw the warehouse ahead and walked to that." "She entered the bedroom."

Any suggestions? Am I making too big a deal out of it?

2:

Masel said:
The other thing I try to do is have something character based happen while doing something mundane like walking in a door. For example, grope for a light switch even though electricity is out, grip the door jam and breath for a second, peek back at the people coming down the hall, run fingers over the room number.

3:

Roxxsmom said:
I stepped into the warehouse, Sue and Bob at my heels. Machinery thumbed and groaned, hidden somewhere behind a wall of boxes and crates.

"Which way?" asked Sue in a voice that was nearly drowned out by the noise. "How are we going to find it?"

"Let's try this way." I pointed towards the nearest gap in the wall of crates and stepped through into a narrow corridor and began to navigate the twisting, dimly lit maze. Something small and dark scuttled across my path--a rat. After a few false turns, the thumping sound grew louder. "we're on the right track," I said over my shoulder. Finally, we stepped into a clear area, and...

4:

Bufty said:
How a character actually physically moves to get from square A to square B can easily be visualised by a reader if the scene is unfolding properly in a strong POV.

Get inside that camera on the shoulder of your POV character and simply relate what you see through the eye of the camera. Show me so I can imagine what is happening and how they get from here to there - as opposed to you directly telling me what you want me to see them doing.

Point 2 and 4 should hopefully move you into point 3, where you move away from "They did this, they did that" that's been shown in point 1. Ideally character portrayal and action should go together, so getting a close look at the scene, through the character's eyes like in Roxxs post, should help shift into a more natural way of showing action etc.

Elle. · Nov 20, 2018

Fortz said:
Another was the group moving across a city. "They walked down a highway. They climbed down the berm and walked through a residential area. They saw the warehouse ahead and walked to that." Seems awkward too.

Any suggestions? Am I making too big a deal out of it?

Regarding this. My question would be if nothing happens during that journey is it necessary? For me that's a no. One advice I always follow about scenes is "arrive late and leave early." If they are just moving from A to B it is more engaging for the reader and also keeps up the pace if you finish the previous scene with them deciding to head out and start the next scene with the group stumbling on the warehouse and checking it out.

Hope this helps.

Sonsofthepharaohs · Nov 20, 2018

Elle. said:
One advice I always follow about scenes is "arrive late and leave early."

This. Don't dwell too long on moving characters between scenes - if you can use a scene break, just cut to the action. Exits and entrances aren't always explicitly needed - the reader will either assume how the transition happened, or if it's not important they won't care.

If you must show the stage directions, make them pull double duty by conveying something about the character or the scene. This is one of the entrances I've used in my novel:

But all her courage and defiance evaporated the moment the door shut behind her, and she found herself standing alone in the master’s chamber. She felt just as vulnerable as she had on the first night she was brought to this room, and just as she had then, she shivered in the draft from the open balcony shutters.

Lord Horudj was a dark figure silhouetted against the starlit sky.

It gets all the characters into position for the scene to play out, but at the same time I've tried to convey what the POV character is feeling, establish tension, and give the scene some atmosphere. Hopefully you can tell from that short excerpt the kind of interaction that is about to take place

Woollybear · Nov 20, 2018

Oooh. I like a lot of stuff in this thread. Including Kallithrix's passage.

Fortz: Mine is a side comment that came to mind from your post. Some of my early drafts had scenes with very little movement, something a beta reader picked up on, and adding a few appropriate 'character-based' actions (pushing back from the table in anger, striding to the door and grabbing the jam, seething--whatever--) added something to the conversations the characters were having. Thus, some 'unnecessary' action can add movement to a scene that might benefit from movement. But, this is tangential and the thrust of your question--which is coincidentally something I've been spotting in my NaNo draft (and less frequently in my queried manuscript.)

Scythian · Nov 20, 2018

Fortz said:
Not sure if this is trivial or not but I've encountered it more than once so I thought I'd ask for advice.
/.../

Not on topic--simply was reminded of this:

A group of students in New Zealand have launched a complaint against an exam board after encountering an unusual word that many did not understand—trivial.

The year-13 students—between 17 and 18 years of age and equivalent to 12th grade students in the U.S.—were stumped by the “unfamiliar word” during a history exam when asked to discuss a quote attributed to Julius Caesar, Newshub reported.

https://www.newsweek.com/high-schoo...emark-because-they-couldnt-understand-1219317

LesFewer · Nov 21, 2018

Thanks guys, you've been a great help as always.

morngnstar · Nov 22, 2018

Fortz said:
If I assume my reader remembers they are in the boxes I could say "the moved into the open area."

Make them remember. Make the confusing mazeyness so vivid they can't forget. And make it an emotionally compelling moment when they find their way out. It should feel like a triumphal march.

Moving your characters around within a scene

LesFewer

Masel

Roxxsmom

Beastly Fido

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Fallen

Stood at the coalface

Elle.

Sonsofthepharaohs

Still writing the ancient Egyptian tetralogy

Woollybear

Scythian

LesFewer

morngnstar