My husband's getting in my head

scully931 · Sep 17, 2018

So this is the first time in my marriage I've gone through query hell. So far, I've had two rejections and my husband is like, oh no, the sky is falling!

I wasn't seeing it that way. So I came here to get some perspective.

First novel I queried years ago had maybe three requests, all with feedback about how great the voice was, but all rejections. And it was 95% form rejections. Fast forward 5 years and I totally see why.

Newest novel - well, I think I may have something with this one. But now my husband has me thinking I'm going to end up on the same form rejection path. (He's super supportive. He just thought the first agent would take it).

Here's what I've experienced so far within this newest manuscript.

Agent 1 - with one of the big houses. Met him at a conference. Loved my hook and pitch. Requested full. Response was: "there are some great prose here - in fact the writing is far superior than most of what I see. He said it was really imaginative and clever. Ultimately passed because he didn't fall in love with main character.

Agent 2 - Big agency. Read partial. Passed, but suggested I send it to another, specific, agent in his agency. (He is the owner of the agency)

Beta reader - she is published with a major house. Said she usually takes 4 or 5 sessions to read a book she's helping with, but had to binge mine in two sessions because she couldn't put it down. Named a style of writing and said so many people try this and fail, but mine was the best she'd seen unpublished. She made some suggestions, which I took, but ultimately said they were tiny and specific because there was nothing major to fix. Said the voice was incredible.

So, all of this has made me pretty optimistic and confident about this book. (Within reason. I know it's also a numbers game!)
But then I got to thinking... maybe I'm delusional and I suck and...I don't know!!!

I'm already afraid to send it out again. Why am I so weak?!

Jeneral · Sep 17, 2018

Does your husband write, or have anything to do with publishing? If not, ignore what he says. If so, he should know better than to be saying it.

Family and friends who want to be supportive don't know what goes into trade publishing. They don't understand how much rejection is involved, and how that "yes" doesn't happen right away. I've told friends about finishing a draft of a book, and they want to know what my booksigning is. After my first book died on submission, I started getting really excited about a new book I was finishing up, and told him that I had a good feeling about it, since my beta readers were all very encouraging. And he said "Yeah, but didn't everyone like your first book too, and that didn't sell?" And I almost punched him in the face. It took a LOT of conversation for him to understand that that was a hurtful thing to say.

What I'm trying to say is that it happens. Family and friends will say hurtful and ignorant things. They'll be completely off the mark when it comes to expectations. Let it roll off like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons and persevere.

Woollybear · Sep 17, 2018

That all sounds great. Great, great great.

Your husband is wrong.

But there will be rejections, just as each of us reject books we pick up at the book store. It's as simple as that. Agents are the same.

Personally, I don't care for too much 'voice' -- I find it exhausting. Many agents want it, many folks say you can never have too much, but as a reader I could stand a lot less in some of these books. It's just simply exhausting. I have a hard enough time just being me, and so asking me to inhabit some voice-y character's head is not an escape -- it's work.

But I'm weird.

but you're fine. You've got great feedback -- You'll be fine. you don't need 100% of agents to love it. You don't need 10% of agents to love it. You need one agent and one house to love it. that's it.

Marissa D · Sep 17, 2018

Yes, it's time to sit the DH down and educate him about the fact that this biz requires a rhinoceros hide because rejections are the norm, not the exception...and don't necessarily reflect on a manuscript's quality. This is such an incredibly subjective business, and finding The Agent who (a) connects with your story and your voice and (b) thinks he or she can sell your story...it can take a lot of querying (and a lot of rejection along the way.

There are several very prominent and multi-multi-published authors who discuss their most recent rejections in their FB feeds (I love Jane Yolen's comments about hers). Tell him that even for Jane Yolen, rejection is more often what happens than not.

Tazlima · Sep 17, 2018

Lol, I've been in that situation. When I get a rejection, I just shrug and move on. One day my boyfriend saw one sitting on my desk and was like, "what's this?" I told him it was a rejection letter - no big deal.

He proceeded to analyze the letter with the intensity of a newbie writer wondering if the form letter is really and truly a form letter, or if it's actually feedback to be scrutinized until every last drop of possible meaning has been wrung from each word, this despite the fact that I told him repeatedly "it's a form letter. The individual sentences are meaningless, because they're just a kind way of saying 'no.'" He seemed to take the rejection weirdly personally and got all angry and defensive on my behalf, which I guess was kind of sweet, but mostly just annoying and eyeroll-inducing.

I now make it a point to avoid discussing queries with him, let alone rejections. I don't mind getting rejections, but getting rejections and then having to talk him down when the whole process has nothing to do with him? That's just a pointless waste of energy.

scully931 · Sep 17, 2018

Yes, I agree (and so would he) that he doesn't know anything about the business. I guess my question is, is this as good a start as I thought it was? I'm realistic. But i was thinking - yay me for getting some really positive feedback. Then there's the other partof me that's like, those are just nice ways of telling someone you're terrible, don't ever bother me again.

I'm annoyed at myself for letting this get to me. I've had a terrible couple of years. Some major trauma and I think it's getting in my head and telling me nothing will ever go right for me.
Query hell is probably not the place to try to recover.

Isobel · Sep 17, 2018

Just wanted to chime in. You're off to a great start if people are reading fulls and partials and saying nice things to you. That is not common. No one doing this has time to be nice for no reason.

Rejection gets inside my head too. One way I've found of managing it is simply not talking about it with regular people in my life. First, as you've already found out, it's way too easy for people who don't know what this is like to say something hurtful and second even ordinary questions like "how's it going?" can feel like too much depending on the day. For me, this forum as made all the difference. It is the only place I feel like people understand and it's a place to go when you need to talk.

It's also incredibly helpful to go back in time and read threads and see how long people's journeys have been. Unless you're very, very lucky there's going to be a lot more no's before you win this thing. They don't mean it's not going to happen.

talktidy · Sep 17, 2018

I am not even close to submitting a finished novel, so take what I say with a truckload of salt, but I would venture to suggest involving your other half a little less is the way to go. It's great he's invested in you, but probably a little wearing, too.

Doubting oneself is all to easy, when faced with rejections. Obvious to say, but focus on the positives. If I received beta feedback like that, I'd think I had gone to heaven. Also, there's the no small matter Agent 2 directed you to submit to a different party. Can't see them doing that, unless your work was solid.

Best of luck.

Shoeless · Sep 17, 2018

Your husband is being a back-seat querier. It's understandable, but keep in mind that people that get instantly accepted by an agent, then go on to have their book go into auction, with six or seven figure deals are the EXCEPTION, not the norm. If your husband is expecting quick results in something as glacial as publishing, you need to educate him that you've just entered a new and wholly independent stream of time that doesn't use the same standards he's used to.

You may get lucky and get representation and a book deal super quickly, but for most people who get into this game, it's typically a pretty long, slow ride.

ChibiUsagi · Sep 17, 2018

One word: ignore.

He may mean well but he's being utterly useless.

Not everyone we love is going to prove helpful during this process. I have a list of people I just don't talk to about it at all.

Gen5150 · Sep 17, 2018

I recommend that all writers accept a non-disclosure policy with loved ones at this stage of the publishing process. The rejections are going to start hitting you harder and harder because you don't want your husband to feel bad for you.

He married a writer, and he should want to connect with that part of your identity. Talk to him about your next project. The query process should be off-limits unless you have an offer to celebrate.

RaggyCat · Sep 18, 2018

It's quite hard for a partner who isn't familiar with the publishing industry to "get" the torturous ins and outs of the whole process. Equally, as Gen says, if you're the partner of a writer, you've got to know what's in store, and how you can support, so talking husband through what you're doing and the pitfalls is a good idea and means he's less likely to annoy/make unhelpful comments. A sort of "this is what happens and this is how you can help".

My husband understands publishing better than he used to, but he's a very practical person, uncreative and not great on the emotional side of the support, largely through ignorance and reading very little non-fiction himself. He's also not been with me when my writing career was going well, so I think he's somewhat baffled as to why I pursue something that gives me such grief. One of his early comments was "why do you write, all it seems to do is make you unhappy" (I explained to him why that was spectacularly unhelpful and that writing is hard-wired into my psyche).

Treehouseman · Sep 19, 2018

I don’t tell my husband anything, it’s not his business....

gem1122 · Sep 21, 2018

Wow, people. Let's try to be a little kinder to our significant others.

That said, I've learned to filter out a lot of info when talking about my writing with anyone. I don't share every detail -- in fact, I share very little. It's tiring trying to explain the ins and outs of the biz -- a biz that I don't quite understand myself. There are several examples that I won't get into, but I will say that the support of my family is absolutely wonderful. I honestly don't know if I'd have the drive to play the game if I didn't know that my wife and kids and other family members weren't rooting for me. They don't need to 'get it' any more than I need to 'get' engineering or sales or accounting or woodworking. They simply witness me working, doing something I enjoy, and share in the happiness of each little success.

Patty said:
Personally, I don't care for too much 'voice' -- I find it exhausting. Many agents want it, many folks say you can never have too much, but as a reader I could stand a lot less in some of these books. It's just simply exhausting. I have a hard enough time just being me, and so asking me to inhabit some voice-y character's head is not an escape -- it's work.

Same! Though I like reading about an interesting character, I often find myself wanting more plot and less character -- actions, people! They speak louder... Some stories read too much like diaries, which is boring as hell.

athetland · Oct 4, 2018

those rejections are nothing. you don't suck and you aren't delusional. the sky isn't falling

April Swanson · Oct 10, 2018

I'm sorry you're doubting yourself. I totally get it; I moved to a secret pen name because my family were messing with my head. For what it's worth, I think you have many reasons to be positive based on the feedback you've shared. Best of luck

My husband's getting in my head

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

Jeneral

Cat wrangler

Woollybear

Marissa D

Scribe of the girls in the basement

Tazlima

scully931

So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

Isobel

talktidy

Shoeless

ChibiUsagi

Gen5150

RaggyCat

Treehouseman

gem1122

We can pickle that

athetland

April Swanson

Happy Beeps