Would an MG character talk like that?

Emissarius · Sep 14, 2018

Hi all,

I just thought of having a little thread where anyone could quote some of his characters and see if the language sounds right. I'll start with this sentence from my 11-year-old MC, who isn't dumb nor particularly smart:
"I only saw her when we happened to be spending our vacation in London."
Would an 11 yo use "happen" in that sense?

Helix · Sep 15, 2018

I don't know your character, obvs, but that seems a bit wordy.

"I only saw her when were on vacation in London" is still a bit too stiff for me, but it's snappier than the original.

Emissarius · Sep 15, 2018

Helix said:
I don't know your character, obvs, but that seems a bit wordy.

"I only saw her when were on vacation in London" is still a bit too stiff for me, but it's snappier than the original.

True, but without "happened to be," some readers might think the MC has planned the trip with the girl in advance. I need to make it clear that they saw each other by chance.

t0dd · Sep 15, 2018

If the MC is British (I'm assuming that from the mention of London), wouldn't it be "on holiday" rather than "on vacation"? Or is "on vacation" turning up more often in British English nowadays?

cornflake · Sep 15, 2018

Emissarius said:
Hi all,

I just thought of having a little thread where anyone could quote some of his characters and see if the language sounds right. I'll start with this sentence from my 11-year-old MC, who isn't dumb nor particularly smart:
"I only saw her when we happened to be spending our vacation in London."
Would an 11 yo use "happen" in that sense?

Emissarius said:
True, but without "happened to be," some readers might think the MC has planned the trip with the girl in advance. I need to make it clear that they saw each other by chance.

That suggests they were in London on vacation by chance, not running into someone by chance.

Emissarius · Sep 15, 2018

t0dd said:
If the MC is British (I'm assuming that from the mention of London), wouldn't it be "on holiday" rather than "on vacation"? Or is "on vacation" turning up more often in British English nowadays?

He ain't British, he just loves visiting London cause of Arsenal F.C

cornflake said:
That suggests they were in London on vacation by chance, not running into someone by chance.

Dang! I'll need to reword.

Sage · Sep 15, 2018

I might expect a snobby MG character to use that phrase

But I agree with Cornflake that it sounds like he just happened to be in London, not that he just happened to run into someone else.

"We ran into each other in London" implies the accidental nature of it all.

Would an MG character talk like that?

Emissarius

Helix

socially distancing

Emissarius

t0dd

cornflake

practical experience, FTW

Emissarius

Sage

Supreme Guessinator