Hugging At Work
- Thread starter lizmonster
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Nooo.... jeez keep your hands to your self stranger
I am not a huggy person. Put it down to my British colonial upbringing, perhaps. Or a family of not-particularly affectionate people. However...
I accept that this is a sweeping generalization but - OMG - Americans are huggy people. I spent 3 weeks in your beautiful country and I never got so many hugs in my entire life!! Seriously. It would be, 'Oh, you're from South Africa? - hug. That's such a neat accent - hug. And you came all this way on your own - hug. (Fortunately, not all from the same person.) The warmth and hospitality I received in the U.S. was so genuine and so kind that it was impossible to be offended by the hugs. At first, I think I repressed the shudders. By week 2, I got the general idea - that you're supposed to open your arms and... sort of pat the other person's back. By the end of week 3 I could spot a hug coming and could get more or less into the right position before it landed.
And, heaven help me, when it was time to leave I even initiated a few hugs. But please don't spread that around. I have a reputation to uphold.
That said, I work from home. There is absolutely no hugging in the workplace here. But stroking the kitties is encouraged.
I accept that this is a sweeping generalization but - OMG - Americans are huggy people. I spent 3 weeks in your beautiful country and I never got so many hugs in my entire life!! Seriously. It would be, 'Oh, you're from South Africa? - hug. That's such a neat accent - hug. And you came all this way on your own - hug. (Fortunately, not all from the same person.) The warmth and hospitality I received in the U.S. was so genuine and so kind that it was impossible to be offended by the hugs. At first, I think I repressed the shudders. By week 2, I got the general idea - that you're supposed to open your arms and... sort of pat the other person's back. By the end of week 3 I could spot a hug coming and could get more or less into the right position before it landed.
And, heaven help me, when it was time to leave I even initiated a few hugs. But please don't spread that around. I have a reputation to uphold.
That said, I work from home. There is absolutely no hugging in the workplace here. But stroking the kitties is encouraged.
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I accept that this is a sweeping generalization but - OMG - Americans are huggy people. I spent 3 weeks in your beautiful country and I never got so many hugs in my entire life!! Seriously. It would be, 'Oh, you're from South Africa? - hug. That's such a neat accent - hug. And you came all this way on your own - hug. (Fortunately, not all from the same person.) The warmth and hospitality I received in the U.S. was so genuine and so kind that it was impossible to be offended by the hugs. At first, I think I repressed the shudders. By week 2, I got the general idea - that you're supposed to open your arms and... sort of pat the other person's back. By the end of week 3 I could spot a hug coming and could get more or less into the right position before it landed.
And, heaven help me, when it was time to leave I even initiated a few hugs. But please don't spread that around. I have a reputation to uphold.
Lol. I do a lot of work in Africa and travel there every couple months. I got the friendly handshake-thumb grab-handshake down, can sometimes do the finger snap but sometimes not, but despite my American hugginess I was totally thrown off when a Kenyan gentleman I know quite well pulled me from handshake to hug. It was no problem, just totally unexpected.
Aww..How romantic
Now now, it was just a platonic gesture of friendliness and wallet transfer, I’m sure.
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I have heard this. I have also heard we're very smiley. That one I get, because it was drummed into my head from childhood that I was to smile at all times to make people feel welcome and relaxed. It's reflexive at this point.
The huggy thing is maybe more regional (which is something I was wondering about). I live in New England, and people from other parts of the country often describe us as cold and unfriendly. We're not; we just tend to assume people don't want non-essential interactions with strangers. Terseness is a sort of hyper-efficient I'll-bother-you-as-little-as-possible thing. Hugging outside of romantic, celebratory, or comfort-giving situations seems...weird. (That said, sometimes seeing a friend after a long separation is a celebratory thing, and some people might define "long separation" as "haven't seen you since breakfast."
)I noticed this difference a lot when we went up to Nova Scotia last month. In many ways it's not very different from New England, but everyone, from the kid behind the counter at the gas station to the person cleaning our hotel room to the lady at the art museum telling us not to take flash pictures, was friendly and...not terse, for lack of a better phrase. It's not like the interactions were more time-consuming; they weren't. But every conversation, no matter how small, came across as personal and sincerely warm.
It was lovely and relaxing, even recognizing I was experiencing a social convention and didn't really know anything about what these people were really thinking. Also, nobody hugged me, which was nice.
I was taught not to hug anyone while working. The only exceptions were the last day of work and in potentially life-threatening emergencies. (This might have had something to do with coming from a mixed government and private industry family. Fuzzy lines between work and private life used to cost employees their jobs.)
For years, I enforced No Hugs.
I'm more lax now that I'm more comfortable with hugs and have seen workplaces become increasingly toxic. Now if someone looks as if they need a hug, I ask if they would like one from me.
In general, though, I don't like being touched at any job that doesn't require contact. Fist bumps, high fives, back pats, hand holding--they're all distractions from working. I'm hyper-sensitive to touch. Also, I don't like how supervisors trying to be friendly--as if that's healthy on the job--forget that I'm a martial artist. Yes, you might regret jumping out of your office to pat my back. No, fist-bumping someone who breaks solid materials with their fists won't feel good. Stop doing this, supervisors. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
For years, I enforced No Hugs.
I'm more lax now that I'm more comfortable with hugs and have seen workplaces become increasingly toxic. Now if someone looks as if they need a hug, I ask if they would like one from me.
In general, though, I don't like being touched at any job that doesn't require contact. Fist bumps, high fives, back pats, hand holding--they're all distractions from working. I'm hyper-sensitive to touch. Also, I don't like how supervisors trying to be friendly--as if that's healthy on the job--forget that I'm a martial artist. Yes, you might regret jumping out of your office to pat my back. No, fist-bumping someone who breaks solid materials with their fists won't feel good. Stop doing this, supervisors. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
I work in professional theatre, where hugging is the accepted way to greet a colleague. I don't mind it, and in fact I generally enjoy it.
In my checkered past, I've worked at a major radio network, a law office and a couple of retail stores, and I can't recall being hugged or initiating a hug in any of those places. I didn't have close friendships in those situations - they were just office jobs, even the ones I held for years. I rarely socialized with my co-workers outside the workplace, so it didn't make sense to hug them or be hugged by them.
In my checkered past, I've worked at a major radio network, a law office and a couple of retail stores, and I can't recall being hugged or initiating a hug in any of those places. I didn't have close friendships in those situations - they were just office jobs, even the ones I held for years. I rarely socialized with my co-workers outside the workplace, so it didn't make sense to hug them or be hugged by them.
Wow! The handshake-thumb-grab-handshake!!!! That's pretty awesome, Chris. Impressive! As for the hug you got... Well, I have a theory about that. Like Coca-Cola, Mac Donalds and Ford motor cars, your culture has spread - most of TV is comprised of American shows. We watch them. We learn about you people. We see the hugging. If you have an American accent*, it's almost certain the Kenyan gentleman was complimenting you by greeting you in your own cultural style.
* Most of us foreign people couldn't tell the difference between an American accent and a Canadian accent. Which means, of course, that those folk from Canadastan could get a totally unexpected hug, too. Despite this, many of us could distinguish a Southern accent from a Northern one and a Bronx accent from a posh New England one. However, if you're from Mcintyre, Georgia, we'd likely figure that you are American, but we wouldn't understand a word you were saying.
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I'm not huggy, although I generally relegate myself to the "grin and bear it" camp.
One time, though, I worked with a guy who was, for lack of a better term, a creepy-hugger. He was a new employee, and from day one, he distributed hugs several times a day - long, lingering, full-body hugs (was that a hint of boner against my thigh?), sometimes even sneak-hugs from behind, inflicted exclusively on the female staff members. After two weeks of this, and numerous complaints from my coworkers, I approached the boss to formally complain, but unfortunately the boss himself was a hugger, (a normal non-creepy hugger who generally restricted his hugging to when people were going through hard times, like when my other coworker's wife was hospitalized, and the poor guy was beside himself) and because of this, he didn't see the problem.
Since complaining was a bust, and I was the second-in-command at our tiny company, I decided to take matters into my own hands. The next time Mr. Creepy tried to hug me, I wriggled out of his grasp and told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't a hugger, it made me uncomfortable, it also made the other female staff members uncomfortable, that there had been complaints, it constituted sexual harassment, and he needed to knock it off.
His feelings were clearly hurt, and he went home early that day. Boo-freakin'-hoo.
The next day, he came back, the hugging stopped, and it seemed like things were OK. Until the end of the day, when I went to the parking lot and discovered those hurt feelings must have morphed into anger, because the bastard keyed the shit out of my car.
Looking back, I'm just glad he didn't do anything worse. Better the car than me.
And THAT is why I'm against hugging in the workplace.
One time, though, I worked with a guy who was, for lack of a better term, a creepy-hugger. He was a new employee, and from day one, he distributed hugs several times a day - long, lingering, full-body hugs (was that a hint of boner against my thigh?), sometimes even sneak-hugs from behind, inflicted exclusively on the female staff members. After two weeks of this, and numerous complaints from my coworkers, I approached the boss to formally complain, but unfortunately the boss himself was a hugger, (a normal non-creepy hugger who generally restricted his hugging to when people were going through hard times, like when my other coworker's wife was hospitalized, and the poor guy was beside himself) and because of this, he didn't see the problem.
Since complaining was a bust, and I was the second-in-command at our tiny company, I decided to take matters into my own hands. The next time Mr. Creepy tried to hug me, I wriggled out of his grasp and told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't a hugger, it made me uncomfortable, it also made the other female staff members uncomfortable, that there had been complaints, it constituted sexual harassment, and he needed to knock it off.
His feelings were clearly hurt, and he went home early that day. Boo-freakin'-hoo.
The next day, he came back, the hugging stopped, and it seemed like things were OK. Until the end of the day, when I went to the parking lot and discovered those hurt feelings must have morphed into anger, because the bastard keyed the shit out of my car.
Looking back, I'm just glad he didn't do anything worse. Better the car than me.
And THAT is why I'm against hugging in the workplace.
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OMG, yes I've hugged and I've been hugged on the job my entire working life - Of course, there have been a few times when it was "Creepy Guy" trying to get in a sneak feel, but 99% of the time, they have been genuine acts of kindness and/or affection.
I'm warning you Peeps - if I evah run into any of you in real life, prepare yourself for a big-ole-cuddly "Southern Hospitality Hug"
Hi, my name is Lavern, and I'm a Hugger.
Edited to Add: Well, I probably would NOT hug QuikWit… cause, yanno, QuikWit.
I'm warning you Peeps - if I evah run into any of you in real life, prepare yourself for a big-ole-cuddly "Southern Hospitality Hug"
Hi, my name is Lavern, and I'm a Hugger.
Edited to Add: Well, I probably would NOT hug QuikWit… cause, yanno, QuikWit.
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Ohhhhhhhhhh, no. No, we won’t be going there. Nope. Here’s my friendly handshake. We won’t be doing hugs unless we’re sleeping together (not) or related.
Wow! The handshake-thumb-grab-handshake!!!! That's pretty awesome, Chris. Impressive! As for the hug you got... Well, I have a theory about that. Like Coca-Cola, Mac Donalds and Ford motor cars, your culture has spread - most of TV is comprised of American shows. We watch them. We learn about you people. We see the hugging. If you have an American accent*, it's almost certain the Kenyan gentleman was complimenting you by greeting you in your own cultural style.
* Most of us foreign people couldn't tell the difference between an American accent and a Canadian accent. Which means, of course, that those folk from Canadastan could get a totally unexpected hug, too. Despite this, many of us could distinguish a Southern accent from a Northern one and a Bronx accent from a posh New England one. However, if you're from Mcintyre, Georgia, we'd likely figure that you are American, but we wouldn't understand a word you were saying.
I ran into a craft vendor in Ghana who, when I told him his accent was *almost* American, admitted he practices it by imitating US TV shows. The tourists tend to trust him more if he sounds more "normal."
I also knew a Brit who was really proud of his fake American accent, which was a combination of New York, Boston and Southern. I told him he didn't sound British but nobody talks that way.
An American accent tends to attract attention around here. I don't know if people think it's glamorous, or that Americans are more sophisticated, or they're rubbernecking in case it's Charlene Theron - who has completely lost her S. African accent anyway. Maybe the fakers think it gives them an edge?
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An American accent tends to attract attention around here. I don't know if people think it's glamorous, or that Americans are more sophisticated, or they're rubbernecking in case it's Charlene Theron - who has completely lost her S. African accent anyway. Maybe the fakers think it gives them an edge?
Maybe they have plans to cause some sort of trouble/make a disturbance or get really drunk, and figure that if they pretend to be American, people will pin the blame on non-existent Americans?
I am not a hugger at work. NOT.
Apparently hugs here (CA) are entirely commonplace and accepted to the point that at an industry conference where ppl were getting awarded for completing intense trainings, they hugged every instructor as they crossed the stage, then all of their cohort. Amusingly, I'd actually asked a colleague earlier in the day about the practice, because where I come from (Canada), no one ever hugged me at work or even tried that I recall, and she had given me tips on how to avoid them.
It's such a common and accepted practice in my location/industry that I've had to hold my arm outright, palm up to stop them and say: "I don't hug" because that keeps them at handshake distance. I then have to watch them process that, then watch them wonder if they should/can ask why not, then watch them figure out how to proceed. Some colleagues have moved to the hug so fast that I've had to tell them AFTER the damn thing that they won't be doing it again. Makes for some pretty awkward convos with my male coworkers who suddenly think they're going to be accused of harassment of some sort; usually I have to point out to them that they only hug women, and until they start hugging Mitch (large hairy bear of a coworker that everyone knows) they won't be hugging me.
I've used it as a starting point to talk about how they treat men and women differently as a means of introducing them to their own inherent gender biases, but it's fucking exhausting to deal with.
It's a totally inappropriate level of contact in a professional environment. I told the CEO of my company that, and he insisted he always asks, but that others are free to interact as they choose. The fact that a young female coworker once told me she doesn't want to hug and until I refused someone she didn't even KNOW that she could say no is pretty fucking telling that this is a cultural habit that makes some people uncomfortable, and is forcing ppl to do things they don't want to. He shrugged.
Apparently hugs here (CA) are entirely commonplace and accepted to the point that at an industry conference where ppl were getting awarded for completing intense trainings, they hugged every instructor as they crossed the stage, then all of their cohort. Amusingly, I'd actually asked a colleague earlier in the day about the practice, because where I come from (Canada), no one ever hugged me at work or even tried that I recall, and she had given me tips on how to avoid them.
It's such a common and accepted practice in my location/industry that I've had to hold my arm outright, palm up to stop them and say: "I don't hug" because that keeps them at handshake distance. I then have to watch them process that, then watch them wonder if they should/can ask why not, then watch them figure out how to proceed. Some colleagues have moved to the hug so fast that I've had to tell them AFTER the damn thing that they won't be doing it again. Makes for some pretty awkward convos with my male coworkers who suddenly think they're going to be accused of harassment of some sort; usually I have to point out to them that they only hug women, and until they start hugging Mitch (large hairy bear of a coworker that everyone knows) they won't be hugging me.
I've used it as a starting point to talk about how they treat men and women differently as a means of introducing them to their own inherent gender biases, but it's fucking exhausting to deal with.
It's a totally inappropriate level of contact in a professional environment. I told the CEO of my company that, and he insisted he always asks, but that others are free to interact as they choose. The fact that a young female coworker once told me she doesn't want to hug and until I refused someone she didn't even KNOW that she could say no is pretty fucking telling that this is a cultural habit that makes some people uncomfortable, and is forcing ppl to do things they don't want to. He shrugged.
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What's really funny is that you can spot a genuine American tourist a mile away. Or rather, you can hear them a mile away.
Note: The above statement does not include the AW'ers I have been privileged to meet. AW'ers are clearly a cut above the rest.
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What's really funny is that you can spot a genuine American tourist a mile away. Or rather, you can hear them a mile away.
Lol, this is so true. We Americans are remarkably noisy. Not that we talk more than folks from other countries, but we habitually speak very, very loudly.
There are regional variations to this, of course. I currently live in Southern Louisiana, and the volume of conversations is insane (when I first moved here, before I learned to understand the local accents and inflections, there were multiple occasions where I thought people were having a nasty argument out front of my house, bad enough that I was worried there might be a fight, only to poke my head out and realize that, no, they were actually smiling and laughing. I actually have a theory as to why this is: cicadas. In the summertime, cicadas will buzz and buzz and buzz for hours on end, so loudly that sometimes you literally have to yell to be heard over them. I think over time, this seeped into the local language patterns, so that now people just speak loudly as a matter of course.
The only time I'd hug at work is if I'm very close with someone, and it's a situation where we haven't seen each other in a while or we're congratulating one another for something.
Outside of work, I don't mind hugging, but I am definitely passive about it. I'm conscious that an unexpected hug from a bearded guy who stands at 6-2" can be off-putting. If the other person initiates, I'm game.
Outside of work, I don't mind hugging, but I am definitely passive about it. I'm conscious that an unexpected hug from a bearded guy who stands at 6-2" can be off-putting. If the other person initiates, I'm game.
mrsmig - I work in professional theatre as well. LOTS of hugs. It's one of the things I love about my job.
I think hugging in the theatre comes partly from the fact that the rehearsal space is a place where actors are meant to feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable, and casual touching comes as an extension of that. That being said, the theatre community in my city has had some huge sexual harassment scandals this year, and the atmosphere of casual touching has given license to certain people to take things too far, so we're in all kinds of contortions right now to figure out a new way of working that makes things safe for everyone.
I think hugging in the theatre comes partly from the fact that the rehearsal space is a place where actors are meant to feel safe to be emotionally vulnerable, and casual touching comes as an extension of that. That being said, the theatre community in my city has had some huge sexual harassment scandals this year, and the atmosphere of casual touching has given license to certain people to take things too far, so we're in all kinds of contortions right now to figure out a new way of working that makes things safe for everyone.
What's really funny is that you can spot a genuine American tourist a mile away. Or rather, you can hear them a mile away.
I tell my non-US friends that we're really quite sweet people at home, we just can only bring so much on the plane with us and our brains and manners are the first things to get left behind.
The irony is that my overseas travel and living (two years in Uganda) has taught me that what is considered noise is cultural. Ugandans speak softly, especially the women, while Americans are the loudest people in the room. On the other hand, a Ugandan club at a hotel has no problems playing dance music at top volume until 7 am (my pictures were literally rattling on the walls), running a wood router at 5 am (again, right next to a hotel), or playing music on their phones loudly on a crowded bus. They don't mind, neither do the other passengers.
Yeah, same situation here in Metro DC. We've been spared the massive blowups that have occurred in other areas, but the undercurrent is still there, and it's certainly made some individuals back off questionable behavior. Which is all good.
LOL. South Africans are pretty loud. I once heard it explained this way: Back in the early 1800's King Shaka, the royal Zulu monarch, was a brilliant military strategist and leader. But, by most accounts, he was also a paranoid schizophrenic. If anyone talked quietly, he assumed they were conspiring against him and he would have them put to death - usually in a very brutal manner. People learned to talk loudly if they wanted to survive.
I don't know if this is an accurate cause-and-effect but it makes a certain kind of sense.
https://www.sahistory.org.za/people/shaka-zulu