Hugging At Work

Chris P said:

I tell my non-US friends that we're really quite sweet people at home, we just can only bring so much on the plane with us and our brains and manners are the first things to get left behind.

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As a Canadian, I've had many chances to interact with Americans in their native environment, and yeah--utterly lovely people, but some of what makes them charming at home doesn't travel well. They're really just calibrated for a different cultural norm, where the baseline for friendliness is a sort of boisterous confidence. Put that in a crowd of your typical Canadians, or Indians, or Brits, and it comes across as loud and rude, when it was never intended to be.

GailD said:

What's really funny is that you can spot a genuine American tourist a mile away. Or rather, you can hear them a mile away.

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lizmonster said:

...I live in New England, and people from other parts of the country often describe us as cold and unfriendly. We're not; we just tend to assume people don't want non-essential interactions with strangers [...]
I noticed this difference a lot when we went up to Nova Scotia last month[...]everyone [...]was friendly and...not terse, for lack of a better phrase. It's not like the interactions were more time-consuming; they weren't. But every conversation, no matter how small, came across as personal and sincerely warm....

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This made me laugh because it reminded me of an incident in New Mexico once. I'm from New England too, and I understand exactly what you mean about how people interact there. Back in 2010 I made a tour of the US in a 20-ft. motorhome. It was in New Mexico where I pulled up at the gas pump, filled the tank, and then went in to get some snacks. This tall cowboy comes in asking loudly, "Who's drahvin' the RV out there?"
I told him I was.
He asked me, "Would you mahnd movin' it? It's blockin' the pump and Ah'm on muh lunch break and gotta get back."

I said, "Oh, sorry! Sure, I'll do it right now. You can just pull in right behind me." And I did. And he filled his tank, drove off, and was happy. And I was marveling over how polite and gentlemanly he was about it. A Bostonian would have come in swearing and possibly even picked a fight with me over it.

Went back inside to pay for my snacks, and the cashier was appalled at the man's conduct. "He was so rude and pushy! I'm sorry you had to experience that." She didn't shut up for the rest of the time I was in there about how incredibly rude the man had been. I was shocked. I was like, if he's rude and pushy, what are the nice people like?

Ended up moving to the Southwest 3 years later. (It's great. You don't have to shovel sunshine!)

I'm generally not a hugger - even with friends and family - but I have been hugged at work. Sometimes

I worked at several veterinary clinics and usually the hugs have come after I've had to euthanize a pet (something that's happened many times because I keep pet rats and they're short-lived). I still didn't like it but it was at least well intentioned, so it didn't particularly bother me. I did have one coworker who would randomly hug me and then run away, specifically because he knew that I hate hugs and he thought it was funny. That was not okay.

I hear you! I would never want to hug someone at work, its too close for comfort!
I had a bit of a problem with this kind of thing around new year. In my country its normal/mandatory to wish people a 'Happy New Year!' when you see them for the first time after the new year has begun and then you're supposed to shake their hand and kiss them on both cheeks. Funny detail: this goes for women-women, women-men, but not for men-men, they just shake hands and don't kiss.

Anyway, I don't want to kiss my co-workers on the cheeks. It feels especially weird with male managers and ceo's. So I just said 'Happy New Year' and raised my hand in a little wave as I walked by or I just shaked their hand and remained at a distance. I got a lot of comments and laughter from that. But whatever, I dont feel comfortable with it, so I won't do it.

My last job in Melbourne it was considered very normal to kiss women on each cheek as a farewell when, for example, heading off for a holiday or whatever. It's definitely not something I'd have initiated, but seemed to be a normal cultural thing there. I don't think I'm a particularly huggy-touchy person other than with friends, but thinking about it now the quick peck on each cheek seemed in some ways less invasive than a hug - almost a politeness like a warm handshake. I do wonder if it goes back to an original strong Italian influence in that city, I have no idea really.

Cheek kissing has become a thing in New Zealand too. I came back after a long time away and was a bit surprised by it.

akiwiguy said:

My last job in Melbourne it was considered very normal to kiss women on each cheek as a farewell when, for example, heading off for a holiday or whatever. It's definitely not something I'd have initiated, but seemed to be a normal cultural thing there. I don't think I'm a particularly huggy-touchy person other than with friends, but thinking about it now the quick peck on each cheek seemed in some ways less invasive than a hug - almost a politeness like a warm handshake. I do wonder if it goes back to an original strong Italian influence in that city, I have no idea really.

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I live/work in Melbourne and totally agree, and when greeting workmates in my large company I haven't seen for a few weeks I do the handshake and quick cheek kiss without really thinking about it (I'm female by the way). It probably is a very Italian/Greek thing, although I find myself doing it with everyone else who is Somalian/Asian/Arab or whatever, the culture of the city is extremely contagious.

That saying, I don't like to hug anyone, and I find that the people who involve in hugging at work fall into all sorts of emotional entanglements, as A follows B...

I completely understand both sides of the argument although I would say if you're going to hug someone at least make sure they are comfortable with this before hand (maybe by getting to know them first) otherwise a simple handshake would always suffice In a work environment

I work in a high school but a very small one. Our grade school is under the same roof. In the grade school hugging is okay but once the kids start high school, we teachers have to say--hey, you're in high school now. We don't hug here.

I especially don't like to be touched. My husband was a grade school teacher and was not a hugger either but learned to put up with hugs, cookie crumbs, snotty noses and cooties. Not me. Even now my first impulse is to step to one side and grimace when a hugger charges me. --s6

How about a wave and a grin? And if I ever run into you at the Sevenleven I'll spot you an iced tea and a burrito--s6

shakeysix said:

… And if I ever run into you at the Sevenleven

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I'd *TackleHug* you in a New York Minute!!!


(I'll be on you, like white on rice- LOL)

If you are in heels I could probably outrun you so wear your tennies, Vernie--s6

I think a lot of it might be down to workplace culture and the relationships people have with one another. Also, the circumstances may make a difference. One of my co-workers gave me a hug when she learned I'd just lost my dog to cancer. I appreciated the gesture, but we were alone, and have known one another for a long time. It might not have felt as natural in a different situation or if a different person had done it.

My own rule, generally, is not to touch or hug if there's a marked difference in power between two people or if there is any doubt at all that the gesture would be welcomed. To know the latter requires more than a superficial acquaintance with someone. Also, if the person stiffens or draws away, I'd stop. Having said this, I've never been a super huggy person, and I prefer for them to be short and sweet as a rule. This got me in a lot of trouble in my family of origin, where kids were expected to submit to long, rib-popping hugs by relatives and close family friends upon greeting.

I wouldn't really be comfortable in a workplace where people were running around hugging one another constantly, but I've never run across that sort of workplace culture either. I think that in a smaller, more intimate workplace, where people regard one anther as a sort of family, casual hugs might feel more natural than in a larger one where relationships are less defined.

Of course, a big reason why workplace hugging and touching are regarded with suspicion these days is because they've been used for a long time as a form of social dominance or sexual harassment. When called out, the excuse given is "X is just being friendly" or "that's just how they are with everyone." Most of us know the difference between a creepy hug and one intended to give comfort or show friendship, I think, but it's almost impossible to have an impartial and fair rule or policy that encompasses the difference in an objective way.

Note that cultures do differ in what kinds of touching are normalized. In US corporate culture, the handshake seems to be the universal greeting, though it's not generally used to show affection, sympathy or emotional support (I have seen people gently take or squeeze another person's hand in sympathy, though).

I hugged someone I considered a friend after she told me she was getting married. Next thing I knew I was in the manager's office for sexual harassment. My defense that "she was getting married" didn't seem to make a difference. Broke me from doing it any more *real* fast, and that person became invisible to me from that point. She could have brought her discomfort up with me first and I would have understood and refrained in the future.

Edit: Removing the paragraph myself...er...nevermind, nothing wrong, but I went into too much detail

LSamDee said:

I hugged someone I considered a friend after she told me she was getting married. Next thing I knew I was in the manager's office for sexual harassment. My defense that "she was getting married" didn't seem to make a difference. Broke me from doing it any more *real* fast, and that person became invisible to me from that point. She could have brought her discomfort up with me first and I would have understood and refrained in the future.

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Perhaps a better idea is to not hug people without their permission.

LSamDee said:

I hugged someone I considered a friend after she told me she was getting married. Next thing I knew I was in the manager's office for sexual harassment. My defense that "she was getting married" didn't seem to make a difference. Broke me from doing it any more *real* fast, and that person became invisible to me from that point. She could have brought her discomfort up with me first and I would have understood and refrained in the future.

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Did the manager say that the woman you hugged was the one who complained? Might have been some third party who witnessed it and took it upon themselves to tell management.

It can also be really difficult to confront people about this. While I've spoken up to men who've made a habit of touching me in ways that made me uncomfortable, it was agonizing and stressful. The experience was made even more uncomfortable in that I was inwardly stewing with resentment that this person had not picked up on what I'd thought were numerous non-verbal indications that touching was inappropriate. As in, keeping half an ear out for his steps in the hall just outside my workspace, and quickly swiveling my chair when he'd enter my office so he wouldn't be able to touch my shoulders from behind. Or physically retreating, only to have the guy (different one) ignore my body language and lean in for a hug anyway.

I did confront the hugger in private one day, and clearly stated that I did not want to be touched, and that if it continued I would tell someone. He was very apologetic and to his credit, never hugged me again. Our work relationship recovered and hopefully he learned something (I reallllly hope so, because he ended up winning a local election), but that's a risk I chose to take on that could have backfired, and if someone else prefers to head straight to HR, I'm not going to judge him or her on it.

Lots of hugging goes on at my work between the women, but they tend to leave the men out of it. Fine with me. I hug my wife, kids, Mom, even my dog, but I'm not interested in being hugged by anyone else.