Hugging At Work

lizmonster

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I suspect I'm not the only one here who often reads Ask A Manager. One of Alison's recent posts dealt with hugging at work - if you click through, it's well worth listening to the short audio segment (3 minutes). But the really interesting stuff, to me, is in the comments: I'm a please-don't-touch-me-at-work-kthxbye person, with exceptions made for handshakes. I was kind of shocked anyone was defending the idea, much less saying they liked it.

I posted this on Facebook, and a friend of mine became genuinely upset. Not only was she astonished that anyone would think hugging at work was unwanted or in any way inappropriate, she actually took offense.

The thing is, I'm quite affectionate with people I know. I've probably been the compulsive hugger with friends now and then. But at work? It's work. I married a colleague, and we didn't hug at the office, or even hold hands except when we were out on a walk.

So am I an oddity? Is this a regional/cultural/industry-specific thing? Should it really be incumbent upon the incipient hug-ee to say "uh, nice to see you, but no thanks"?
 

Chase

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I'm with you. Especially in the workplace, the practice is a slippery slope, often snowballing until those who're uncomfortable with it can often be made to feel uncomfortable if they don't participate.
 
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Chris P

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I don't hug at work unless it's someone I know well and have worked with for a while. And even then I ask prior to thebfirst time unless they initiate. When a hug situation presents itself, a quick "are you a hugger?" has been appreciated even when the answer is "no."
 

Marian Perera

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So am I an oddity? Is this a regional/cultural/industry-specific thing? Should it really be incumbent upon the incipient hug-ee to say "uh, nice to see you, but no thanks"?

I've been hugged by people at work, but it was when I was leaving for another job and we knew each other pretty well (as in, we'd met outside work for coffee or for dinner and so on). Plus, one of the guys at work hugged me after I gave him a Christmas present. It wasn't even much, just a bookmark I'd made saying "This is where <his name> fell asleep." I was a bit surprised, because I don't usually initiate hugs with men, but I just took it as him being affectionate.

ETA : He later came out of the closet, so yeah, nothing sexual about the hug.
 
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porlock

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I've never asked anyone for a hug, especially at work and the few I got were consensual (and completely non-sexual). This was 1967-2006 working years, so even way back it was a no-no. I don't think you're odd.
 

Lauram6123

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I am happy to hug my family and friends, but the only work-hug I can deal with is if it's a co-worker's last day or there's been some kind of tragedy. I honestly can't understand how huggy-type people just assume that everyone wants a hug. It makes me super uncomfortable.
 

Maggie Maxwell

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I hug at work, but really only on special occasions and things: retirement, pregnancy announcement, back after baby, that sort of thing. I'll hug if someone needs one if we're close, but otherwise, nah. And I'm definitely a Hugger.
 

lizmonster

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Y'all make me feel a bit less odd. I'm sorry my friend was offended - she's a nice person, and I honestly don't care whether she's a work hugger or not - but I did think not hugging at work (in most cases) was kind of an established social norm, at least in the US.
 

Sagml John

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There are people who tap me on my shoulder or thigh (if I'm sitting) that drives me nuts but I have no right to say anything because that's just their way of inflecting. Hugging is just not done (consolation is understandable I guess) because of our culture. I watched part of Borat where he faked a Mid-Easterner trying to kiss every guy on the bus. Didn't go very well in NY.
 

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I work in a department with a lot of other women, and sometimes we get a bunch of huggers. Or, one encourages the others, I suppose.
I am not a hugger, but I have learned to deal - stand still 'til they're done, try not to tense up, because, they after all, mean no harm, and are trying to be (overly) friendly.
And some, bless their hearts, try to respect that. My favourite was one nice older lady who, when I returned to work after a month of medical misery, came up to me and asked if I would mind if she hugged me.
She was a hugger, and I was so touched that she noticed that I am not that I said "Sure, go ahead". It was nice.

But, yeah, workplace hugging should not be a thing.
 

talktidy

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I suspect I'm not the only one here who often reads Ask A Manager. One of Alison's recent posts dealt with hugging at work - if you click through, it's well worth listening to the short audio segment (3 minutes). But the really interesting stuff, to me, is in the comments: I'm a please-don't-touch-me-at-work-kthxbye person, with exceptions made for handshakes. I was kind of shocked anyone was defending the idea, much less saying they liked it.

I posted this on Facebook, and a friend of mine became genuinely upset. Not only was she astonished that anyone would think hugging at work was unwanted or in any way inappropriate, she actually took offense.

The thing is, I'm quite affectionate with people I know. I've probably been the compulsive hugger with friends now and then. But at work? It's work. I married a colleague, and we didn't hug at the office, or even hold hands except when we were out on a walk.

So am I an oddity? Is this a regional/cultural/industry-specific thing? Should it really be incumbent upon the incipient hug-ee to say "uh, nice to see you, but no thanks"?

I am sorry I think your friend is weird.

I am a Brit, so factor in different cultural expectations, but hugs were only offered at work (office job) when something awful had happened. A bereavement, for example.

Obviously, some colleagues struck up close friendships over the years, and their behaviour, as one would expect, would be different.

Any new member of staff offering hugs, would be told to knock it off. Employers have to think about claims for harrassment.
 

MaeZe

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Depends on the work setting and how well (casual and/or formal) people know each other. I go to dozens of worksites on a regular basis. If someone tells me their mom has cancer, or if it's at a retirement party, sometimes a hug is called for. In other settings it's just not the place.

Overall, hugs are rare at work.
 
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lizmonster

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I work in a department with a lot of other women, and sometimes we get a bunch of huggers. Or, one encourages the others, I suppose.
I am not a hugger, but I have learned to deal - stand still 'til they're done, try not to tense up, because, they after all, mean no harm, and are trying to be (overly) friendly.
And some, bless their hearts, try to respect that. My favourite was one nice older lady who, when I returned to work after a month of medical misery, came up to me and asked if I would mind if she hugged me.
She was a hugger, and I was so touched that she noticed that I am not that I said "Sure, go ahead". It was nice.

But, yeah, workplace hugging should not be a thing.

Yeah, in that situation I'd probably grin and bear it. I do think there are gray areas. But it does make me wonder how many people in a "hugging" office actually dislike it, but don't speak up because they know the huggers mean well.

My friend works for a major national company. That is now off my list of places I would ever be willing to work for. :)
 

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I am absolutely not a hugger at work, and doing so is definitely considered strange in my workplace. One of the team leads who works for me is a hugger, but he probably only gets away with it because a) he's pretty much the nicest, most cheerful guy on the planet and b) he's been there 20+ years. And he's also very cautious about only hugging people who he knows really well. Overall, it really isn't done - and I work for a large multi-national corporation that is extremely diverse, culture wise.
 

DanielSTJ

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Not a hugger. No thank you.

No reason for anyone to be offended by that, in my opinion, either.

I wonder what Hemingway would think about this.... :roll:
 

jjdebenedictis

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The only time I've hugged someone at work was to give one to a colleague whose spouse had passed away.

I don't think hugs should ever be a default behaviour at work. If you're a hugger, ask first in a way that lets the person say no without feeling awkward.

"Can I hug you?" makes it awkward because you've forced them to reject you. "Are you a hugger?" is perfect; they can just laugh and say that no, they're not.
 

Introversion

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One of the comments in that Ask A Manager thread said (paraphrasing) about the "I'm a hugger, it's just how I express my feelings" approach some (clueless) huggers use:

"I respond with, I punch huggers in the throat, it's just how I express my feelings."

Heh.
 

Kjbartolotta

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Workplace or not, everyone should have the right to not be hugged if they don't want to. Sometimes you're just not cool with it.
 

Morning Rainbow

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About a week or two ago, a co-worker said that I needed a hug because I've been working on a really tedious project for a few months. I thought she was joking until she actually hugged me. I quickly said, "I don't like hugs," and she let me go. Sorry, but I'm not the "politely grin and bear it" type. I'm the "AHH! Get away from me!" type.

I just moved to this region 5 months ago, and the people in this neck of the woods are apparently huggers. I was warned by the same co-worker who hugged me to watch out for someone else who works at our institution because he hugs every person he sees. I don't understand that. Back in my hometown, no one hugged anyone ever. It was rare for me to even hug my own family members.
 

Jason

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I was working as a project manager at a company that made the GPS tracking hardware for companies like Qwest, Time Warner, Comcast, etc...not those big boys mind you...just ISP's (Internet Service Providers) at a regional level.

Well, someone who shall remain nameless succeeded in landing one of said big boys after acting as the project manager on a trial that lasted over a year. That person got hugged the day the contract came in at least 20-30 times by everyone from his manager up to most of the c-level staff. I know that person is not a work hugger, but I know that person felt very validated because both before and after that contract, no one ever really hugged him.

There's a time and place, and the celebratory ones were very much appreciated by the guy that received them - he got a fat bonus that year too.
 

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Policy at work is no physical contact. Exception is actually hugs between long time colleagues who've becone friends and haven't seen each other in a while.

My colleague/friend and I aren't huggers, but the situation required a hug.

Otherwise, hugs are very rare, if not outright banned in the workplace here. It's also a cultural thing.
 

Elenitsa

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We have been hugging at birthday celebrations, at hearing very good news or very bad news - e.g. for a colleague's new pregnancy congratulations, promotion, for comfort when her mother passed away, good-bye when leaving a work place or leaving for maternity leave, etc. I think it is normal. It is a gesture of caring or comforting, and it has its place.

Here nobody would cross their mind to ask if it is ok to hug someone. If the circumstances require a hug, people are warm enough to give and graciously accept it. It would be strange to happen out of the blue with unknown persons during a regular day, when no congratulations or comfort is about. Otherwise, not.
 
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Jaymz Connelly

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The only time I have hugged or been hugged at any job I've ever had was on the huggee's last day of work for the company. I did not even get hugs when my mother passed away and I got the call at work (I did get a sympathetic glass of water, which was kind). My preference is, unless we've been besties for at least a year, or you're closely related (spouse, children, siblings), don't hug me, it's just weird. I also think hugging at the workplace is highly unprofessional.