• Read this: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?288931-Guidelines-for-Participation-in-Outwitting-Writer-s-Block

    before you post.

Heartbreak blocked me completely - please help

ladymal

Registered
Joined
Sep 9, 2018
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
Hello and greetings for you all.
I know that you are smart people with lots of imaginative ideas. You always have a piece of advice for everybody. I hope you will be able to help me too, somehow.
My writer's block is a unique one but not in a good sense. To put it straight, somebody broke my heart very, very badly. You know, it was that kind of love that you feel only once in your life. That burning flame that eats you from inside, but at the same time makes you feel alive like never before.
So I met that guy and wrote to him about my writing, send him some fragments. He understood completely the process of writing. He encouraged me to write, sometimes critisiced, sometimes said very positive things. I felt like he was my soulmate in this matter. Never experienced something like this before. Feelings so strong that I wrote, wrote and wrote, almost unconsciously, like I was mad, words were dancing on the keyboard, characters, situations, settings and ideas came to me one after another effortlessly.
And then, it happened. He proved me wrong, dissapointed me, made very bad thing, and finally left deeply heartbroken. My life seemed to be empty suddenly. Even though I knew deeply inside that he was not right for me, it hurted very very much. I couldn't believe that he is gone. My source of inspiration and my biggest fan - gone and cause so much damage. That was a real catastrophy for me.
Since then, a long time has passed and I managed to heal my wounds a bit. Still...the passion for writing I felt, that feeling of writing with ease, even without much thinking... it is all gone. Each time I am trying to write, I feel soooo empty. Like I had nothing else to say, like everything that comes to my mind was worthless. Simply. And, my writing reminds me of that guy that I try to remove from my memory cause he saw my stuff.
I am seriously struggling.... I don't know what could I possibly do. Life without writing seems unbereable to me and simply...boring. But... I can't force myself to write again, I can't find that joy and spontaneity again. I am so unhappy.
What would you advise me? Is there something...anything, that can be possibly done? Should I just give up on it?

Best wishes for you all.
M.
 

lizmonster

Possibly A Mermaid Queen
Absolute Sage
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jul 5, 2012
Messages
14,532
Reaction score
24,098
Location
Massachusetts
Website
elizabethbonesteel.com
Ah, I know that pain.

I'm not sure I'd classify what you're going through as writer's block, though; you can write, but right now it hurts you. That is, I think, a fundamentally different problem than The Block.

But as long as we're here...as it happens, I've also been dealing with trauma, and how much writing pulls me Right. Back. Into. It.

I've made the choice to keep writing anyway. It's not easy. Some days it feels like a horrible mistake, but I'll tell you this: I always feel better at the end of the day when there have been words, no matter how it felt while I was writing them.

I can't say what will work for you, but I have a few things that have helped me keep going:

- stubbornness (I'm not letting the b*****ds win, dammit!)
- inertia (writing's what I do; what else am I supposed to do with my time?)
- focus (this is hard, but I find when I can brute-force think about the story in front of me and not the voices in my head telling me it's all pointless, I get more done)
- logic (I used to be able to do this, therefore I can do it again)

It may also be worth noting that the muse, I think, is something of a myth. If you wait for inspiration before you write a single word, you'll not only be waiting a long time, you won't be in any shape to write when it arrives.

And...you may never get back the same joy you had. That's a loss and a sorrow, and worth grieving over. And it's perfectly all right if your choice is to stop writing. Only you can decide what is best for your own life.

But it's also all right not to stop, even if it hurts like hell right now.
 

Tazlima

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 26, 2013
Messages
3,042
Reaction score
1,494
Ooh, that's a rough situation to be in. I'm gonna venture a guess, and tell me if I'm off-base here, that it's not writing itself that hurts, but the fact that, because writing was something you worked on together, when you try to write, it ends up reminding you of him.

I had a similar experience with an activity that my ex and I spent a lot of time doing together. When we broke up, I quit that activity, and I don't plan to pick it back up again, ever. It's just one big morass of once-sweet memories that are now sour. However, I'm lucky in that it was a tertiary activity in my life and I don't feel any poorer for lack of it.

It sounds like writing, though, is too important to you to just drop it and never speak of it again. So you need to regain ownership of your writing. I'd suggest, at least for now, completely changing the circumstances of your writing. If you wrote at home before, relocate to the local coffee shop. If you wrote romances, try your hand at a mystery novel. Explore new and different areas of writing, and remind yourself why you enjoyed it as a solitary activity long before this guy came along.

Once you've rediscovered your joy, THEN go back and reclaim those elements that may be too painful to handle right now. The pain WILL fade with time.

Until then, you may also be able to tap into that pain and use it to infuse your work. I can't recall the name, but I remember my mother talking once about a mystery author who became successful, in part, because of a bad breakup. She wrote murder mysteries where every murder victim was, in her mind, her stupid, cheating, douchebag ex, and something about what she wrote really resonated with readers.

I'm sorry you got your heart broken. That just completely sucks. But don't let it break your spirit. You got this.
 

Scythian

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 4, 2018
Messages
201
Reaction score
40
Start over something else, if the 'up to now stuff' has a nasty aura.
Try a different style, a different topic, a different point of view, a different amtosphere, a different setting.
And later, in the future either revisit the current thing, or don't:)
 

autumnleaf

practical experience, FTW
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 29, 2010
Messages
1,133
Reaction score
215
Location
small rainy island
Breakups hurt, and comparing them to something worse doesn't make the pain go away. Only time does that, unfortunately.

I like Tazlima's advice about changing the circumstances in which you write or the type of writing you do.

At some stage, you realize either that writing hurts too much, or that not writing hurts too much. There's no right choice and no easy way to get to that point. It sucks, but you'll get through this :Hug2:.
 

BradCarsten

practical experience, FTW
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 23, 2010
Messages
1,179
Reaction score
96
Location
Johannesburg South Africa
That's perfectly understandable. Riding that wave of love and excitement and dopamine is a huge motivator. When you are in love, you can go to the gym everyday because the reward outweighs the pain. That minute spent on the stepper, and the three hours afterwards, lying flat on your back trying to catch your breath, is nothing compared to that glint in your partner's eyes when they admire the way you look. You feel like you can work out forever--that you can do anything. I once drove 30km in the middle of the night to leave a rose outside someone's door. It's a wonderful and glorious feeling.
The problem is, it's artificial. Dopamine needs new experiences to keep flowing, and so it will eventually fade. Six months later you won't feel quite as motivated anymore. You will begin skipping gym, you will send flower emojis over WhatsApp, and you certainly won't be thinking about anything but sleep after midnight.

In a way, the same high happens when you start a new writing project. It's fresh and exciting, and the high pushes you through the first few chapters, but eventually, as with relationships, the high always fades and it then becomes work. You get home after a long day at the office and would like nothing more than to collapse into a chair and vegetate for the rest of the night, but instead, you drag yourself in front of your computer and begin tapping out words with lead fingers, because there is something more than a temporary high to motivate you. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's a sense of duty or grit or determination to prove your critics wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of sitting on a panel alongside George RR Martin. Whatever it is, as a writer, you will always have to dig deep at some point and find that strength inside of you to keep pressing forward.
I don't know if it's as powerful a motivator as riding that wave of new love, but it's more stable and more consistent and will last for years instead of months.

The good news is, it's not all hard work. There are plenty of highs to look forward to- finishing your first draft. Getting in the zone and writing something that moves you. Finishing your novel. Publishing it. Getting your first 5 star review, your first fan mail.....
 

amergina

Pittsburgh Strong
Staff member
Moderator
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 20, 2007
Messages
15,599
Reaction score
2,471
Location
Pittsburgh, PA
Website
www.annazabo.com
Heartache is awful, especially when it becomes connected with something we love. My advice is similar to Tazlima's. Change things up. Also think about looking for other friends to share your writing with who can support you. I have a couple people who I can send snippets of something to, just to get "Yeah! Keep going!" support, because that *is* really helpful. Maybe find other writers in your area, or even connect up with some people here you communicate with regularly?

Also, it's fine to take a break. Do something else you love *just for you*. Craft or create or even clean. Anything that will make you feel accomplished.
 

Bacchus

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
614
Reaction score
150
Yeah, what Amergina and others say ^ Mix it up a little.

I went through a similar thing this year - I might be older and crustier than you but we older crusties still have soft centres and boy was I crushed when the girl I had been trying to get rid of for ages finally went. Long story; not relevant.

Try as I might I couldn't write (and never found time to compose a rhyme...) BUT! I bought an old van and have converted it to a camper. I love it. You're in the UK (I assume that there isn't another country that admits to Crawley? Don't tell me there's a "New Crawley" in Arkansas...!) so you know how great this summer has been, and I have been outside cutting/shaping/planing/sanding wood, designing, insulating, varnishing, painting, laying the floor... and it has been just brilliant. A creative outlet within certain boundaries and instant gratification at almost every step - a focus - and now I have a vehicle which I can take to inspirational places with my laptop (c:

Oh, and ten months later, I have started writing again. Only a couple of chapters so far, but I have picked up an old character and it feels like bumping into a friend who I haven't seen for ages. He and I are off to find another adventure... I still miss the real-life "other" like the shadow of my soul but am moving on. Very resilient creatures we humans, when it comes down to it. We heal.

I wish you well in your healing, and look forward to seeing some of your future work. Or, as McCardey succinctly put it, not if that's what you choose.
 

AW Admin

Administrator
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
18,772
Reaction score
6,285
I'm going to remind people that there's a
report-40b.png
report post button.

Don't engage and derail a thread. Contact me, either by reporting the post or PMing me.

And I'm going to link to the Guidelines for Participation in Outwitting Writer’s Block.

I especially want to remind everyone about this part:

While you may not have experienced writer's block yourself, it is nonetheless unkind, unhelpful and potentially harmful to doubt or dismiss the difficulties of other writers. Don't do that here.

This is a forum about coping with writer's block, with the goal of getting back to writing.
 

DanielSTJ

The Wandering Bard
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 3, 2017
Messages
5,410
Reaction score
368
Age
34
Location
Kingston, Ontario, Canada
You have to carry on. Think of the writing-- you love it, right? It's not worth giving up. As rough as the turmoil might have been, it is not worth sacrificing something you deeply care for over.

Just my two cents!
 

ladymal

Registered
Joined
Sep 9, 2018
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
You're right, Tazlima. When I try to write, each word reminds me of him. What's worse, one of the main characters, a villain (but not completely spoiled) is based on that guy.
As for your ideas...I'll try it. The irony is, that guy told me, after we broke up, that I enjoyed writing before I met him. Gosh. It is not the same now.
Thank you that you have faith with me. Hope I'll find that faith in myself too.

Ps. Thanks Daniel.
 
Last edited:

ladymal

Registered
Joined
Sep 9, 2018
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
Thanks guys. You're the best.
I'll not give up. But it is not easy. Not at all. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
 
Last edited:

gem1122

We can pickle that
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 17, 2007
Messages
279
Reaction score
24
Location
US
I can't say what will work for you, but I have a few things that have helped me keep going:

- stubbornness (I'm not letting the b*****ds win, dammit!)

Thanks guys. You're the best.
I'll not give up. But it is not easy. Not at all. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Please.

Malwina

Best wishes to you. I agree with lizmonster; stubbornness works for me. When I get my back up and have the urge to 'fight back' against some sort of affront to my happiness, I try to channel my energy into something creative, as if to say "I'll show them!"

Stay the course and believe in you.
 

eruthford

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
172
Reaction score
19
Location
Maple Valley, WA
Website
theydontcry.wordpress.com
Ladymal: I'm sorry to hear about your struggles!

One thing I might add to the other advice here is that once enough time has gone by for you to view the events of the breakup from a distance, it might make a good thing to write about. I was writing a memoir, and my first two times through, I completely avoided the topic of a girl I had dated and a co-worker who had made my life hell. And then a few years later, when I was done being angry, they became two of my most interesting characters.
 

ladymal

Registered
Joined
Sep 9, 2018
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
I recently moved to London and feel a bit lonely here. I think about joining a writing group that meet and write together... Do you think it is a good idea guys?
 
Last edited:

ladymal

Registered
Joined
Sep 9, 2018
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
Eruthford, it reminds me about the story of Lauren Weisberger and her main character inspiration... :)
 

Bacchus

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 23, 2016
Messages
614
Reaction score
150
I recently moved to London and feel a bit lonely here. I think about joining a writing group that meet and write together... Do you think it is a good idea guys?

Hi @ladymal - there is a regional meet and greet forum for organising meet-ups - @Maythe has organised a couple. I haven't made any yet, but am always interested to talk about writing and am based fairly near London
 

NINA28

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Mar 29, 2019
Messages
109
Reaction score
5
Location
UK
I don't know if I'd call this writers block but I can share a "revelation" with you and maybe it'll help you.


So I used to write bits and pieces and my Dad really encouraged me and he was the only one that didn't think I was wasting my time on a childish pursuit like everyone else did. When my Dad died suddenly I was so devastated. I lost him within weeks of my best friend (suicide) and my cousin (suicide) and it just crushed me. I couldn't write anymore. I couldn't put out a single word. It hurt because it made me think of my Dad and that I could never ask him to read it for his opinion. He was a tough critique but a good one.


Then I realized that I was writing it for him. And that I needed the validation of others constantly and I had to stop doing that. I took a break for a while and let myself get over my loses and then came back to writing fresh. It took some time but I'm slowly getting back into the swing of it. This time I have no encouragement from anyone, just myself. The stage passed as my grief passed.


Maybe this helped. I hope so.
 

ladymal

Registered
Joined
Sep 9, 2018
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Location
UK
Bacchus, I was thinking about meeting in Costa somewhere in North-West London, preferably around Northwood or similar place and do free writing together. It is always easier and more encouraging than struggling alone, especially with writer's block...
 

mccardey

Self-Ban
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
19,211
Reaction score
15,811
Location
Australia.
Bacchus, I was thinking about meeting in Costa somewhere in North-West London, preferably around Northwood or similar place and do free writing together. It is always easier and more encouraging than struggling alone, especially with writer's block...
I think that's an excellent idea - especially if you're new in town. Even if it only serves to get you over the block, it's going to engage your mind and emotions - and that's never bad. Plus, you'll probably talk about books, which is always an excellent thing :)