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What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

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CaliforniaMelanie

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I'd really just love an ear.

I keep changing whole chunks of personalities of characters. I feel like I can't fall in love with the one female character. But she's critical to the story.

So I keep changing her background, the characters around her...and then I feel like I have to change the whole thing.

I do have a firm idea of where I want my story to end; what the actual point is. That much I do know, and that involves a male character. But the entire story can't be from his POV.

This isn't new, though. It's lather, rinse, repeat for me and it has been for decades. I get up to about 25,000 words and then I think, "It's all garbage. I should have started from a completely different direction."

WHAT is wrong with me? This blocks me. In the past, similar issues have made me throw thousands and thousands of words away. I have been "writing a book" for literally 40 years now. It changes...I throw it away.

Can anyone relate? Am I really just not WANTING to write this thing? Because although I write for a living (for other people), when it comes to me having full responsibility for the content, I fall apart.

I wonder if deep down, I really just don't want to write a book. I feel guilty because this is how I'm finally supposed to make "real money" and take weight off my husband's shoulders (freelancing doesn't bring in a huge amount) but I hate it, I keep avoiding it...even though I could write actual words (like these, for instance) all day long, day in and day out.

Help.

Am I just not meant to write a book?

Anyone ever feel the same? What conclusions did you draw?
 
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Richard White

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Just out of curiosity, why do you say, "the entire story can't be from his POV"?

If the female main character is the hang-up, perhaps at least starting the book from his POV might get you into the world and then let her personality grow organically?

Just a thought.
 

CaliforniaMelanie

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Thanks a million, Richard! I appreciate your reply.

What I mean is that a significant portion of the story happens behind this man's back, so it happens from other characters' PsoV.

I am going to go ahead and move forward as you say and let this woman develop. At the worst, I'll end up cutting a bunch of stuff later.

I have promised my family and friends since 1974 that I would "write a book some day." I think at this point they may be doubting. LOL. I really need to finally get off the pot about this.
 
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Shoeless

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Just remember that perfect is also the enemy of finished.

I'm guessing that part of this is the anxiety of getting all the way to the end and then realizing the whole book was a mistake, so you make changes ahead of time to try to head that off at the pass. Maybe next time you find yourself in this situation, just make peace with the fact that even if you're doubting now, you can STILL make all the changes you want after it's finished, just keep an "open tab" about that stuff and keep going 'till it's done. After all, that's what the first draft is for, just get something finished so you at least have something to look at and start tinkering with.

And, even if you do get all the way to the end, and realize, "I don't like this book," make peace with that, look at the book as a whole, and in part, and see which parts you did like, which you didn't, and move onto another books salvaging the parts you liked from the first book, while learning from the mistakes you didn't like. It can be scary to wonder, part way through a book, whether this is even such a hot idea, but I guarantee you every writer wonders that at some point while writing a book. But some writers knuckle down and finish anyway, then look at how much damage control they actually have to deal with once the last words have been typed up.
 

CaliforniaMelanie

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Wow, Shoeless...that made so much sense! Thank you! I can't thank you both enough for the insights. I'm going to move forward!
 

Bacchus

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Much sympathy from me - I have three WIPs in the drawer at around 20-25,000 words. I seem to get to that point and all is going well then start worrying how I can keep the story interesting. The set up is far more intriguing than the exposition.

I also have one "completed" work and one which requires editing; neither published or queried.

I do find that - on some days - editing is much more of a pleasure than creating, looking at a sentence, studying it, tweaking it seems like fun whereas creating something new seems like a bore and a chore. If you write copy for other people, this maybe your default state of mind?

I also find the converse to be true on other days; I want to crack on with a story! For me it is about trying to do the job which suits my biorhythm/hormonal ("manstrual") cycle/mood - if you can press on with the first draft even though you are not entirely happy with it, you will have something to edit on those tweaking days. Many say that that is where the craft of writing comes; not in the writing but in the rewriting.

Good luck.
 

OldHat63

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... Am I really just not WANTING to write this thing?

....this is how I'm finally supposed to make "real money" and take weight off my husband's shoulders...


Maybe you just don't want it to be... a job? *shrug*

After all, it's one thing when you're doing something 'cause you want to... another entirely when it gets to the point you have to, or at least feel like you do.

Dunno... That's all that really occurs to me, given what you've said.



O.H.
 

King God Kong Zilla

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Hi!

I used to have a similar problem. I still do sometimes. I have a stupid amount of half-finished or abandoned short stories on my hard drive.

I have, however, gotten better at this over the years. I've now finished four novels and I owe all of that progress to one simple change I made.

I do not, under any circumstances, read my rough draft until it's finished. I don't go back and read what I wrote the day before. I don't read it from the beginning. I don't even glance at what I did before. I just keep going forward until it's done.

Let editing you deal with the rough draft. You deserve some space to write the rough draft without your internal editor tut-tutting over a shoulder.

I know this seems odd, and a little hard, but it really helped me finish a few rough drafts. They weren't perfect (my first drafts never are, that's discovery writing for you) but at least I had a rough draft to improve on instead of giving up halfway through.
 

Erinell

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Melanie - definitely been there, and ironically I spend my "work" days in freelance -- writing 6 to 8 hours at a stretch, no problem -- then as you say, when it's time for me, it was anxiety city (because I am a notorious perfectionist). So I turned the process around and made organizing the story just like any other assignment. There's an objective, set information, a plan to be worked out to produce efficiently. Since I write category, which comes with a certain amount of structure, planning helps. I'd like to think of it as guides or engineering rather than outlining -- I don't want to get carried away with too much restrictive -- but it does help keep the story on track. Start with the premise, a real rough 100-word synopsis, expand into the key turning points, plan the characters to fill specific roles. While doing this, I spend some time with my characters, writing just little nonsense sketches (i.e., my main character has run out of clean clothes, must do laundry, but the machine breaks...) in first person, one draft, no rewrites. Doesn't even have to finish ... just a few hundred words or so. While this daily little warmup before actual work helps get into the flow, it also lets me explore the personality and style of the characters and I really do get inside their heads. By the time the storyboard is all worked out (can take several weeks), my characters are old friends and the dialog becomes just so easy. I know what they're going to say before they do! Best wishes for pressing on, don't get too hung up on a perfect draft on the first pass (that's what editing is for) and just have fun!
 

BradCarsten

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I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle, seeing as how you've already received great advice from everyone else.
Have you noticed in films how they can take a completely unlikeable character, that you vow to hate, and then somehow turn that all around? Lost, the TV series was excellent at that.
Obviously that isn't by accident. That happens because they know what psychological tricks to use to get you to like the character. They show you that she had a bad childhood, or they have him rescue an animal. All that to say, if you don't like your character, there are far easier ways to make her more likeable that don't involve starting again. Keep going, and once you're done you can then look back at her in her entirety and make up your mind. You will then be in a far better position to judge.
I would suggest not reading anything that you write though until you get to the end. That way you won't be tempted to change anything.
 

CaliforniaMelanie

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FANTASTIC tips and they got me writing today - just a few hundred words but it's encouraging. Thanks so much! I am reading and re-reading this thread.
 
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