Which one is more accurate?

kid009 · Aug 5, 2018

"She went inside her room with a footstool. She put it on the floor at the large cabinet in the corner of the room. She stood on it and –still short of the cabinet– she raised her hands and fumbled upon the surface."

OR

"She went inside her room with a footstool and put it on the floor beside the large cabinet in the corner of the room. Standing on it –still short of the cabinet– she raised her hands and fumbled upon the surface."

Thanks

starrystorm · Aug 5, 2018

I'm no expert, but personally I like the second one better. I don't know if it's "accurate" though.

Curlz · Aug 5, 2018

I think it's more a matter of personal style than accuracy.

cornflake · Aug 5, 2018

kid009 said:
"She went inside her room with a footstool. She put it on the floor at the large cabinet in the corner of the room. She stood on it and –still short of the cabinet– she raised her hands and fumbled upon the surface."

OR

"She went inside her room with a footstool and put it on the floor beside the large cabinet in the corner of the room. Standing on it –still short of the cabinet– she raised her hands and fumbled upon the surface."

Thanks

They're both problematic.

Does the room contain a footstool, or is she carrying one into the room? That's utterly unclear.

You have, again, same as in your previous thread, unclear antecedents with the it after cabinet.

Your em dashes have wonky spacing, and it's unclear what surface she's fumbling upon. It sounds like she's teetering on the stool.

As to whether to split the sentences, that's stylistic.

kid009 · Aug 5, 2018

"She went inside her room with a footstool......" (start of the sentence)

cornflake · Aug 5, 2018

kid009 said:
"She went inside her room with a footstool......" (start of the sentence)

Does the room contain a footstool, or is she carrying one into the room? That's utterly unclear.

kid009 · Aug 5, 2018

She is carrying one into the room.

cornflake · Aug 5, 2018

kid009 said:
She is carrying one into the room.

Then I'd say that, because the way you have it does not say that.

guttersquid · Aug 14, 2018

Simplest solution:

She carried a footstool into her room.

hopeful09 · Aug 14, 2018

kid009 said:
"She went inside her room with a footstool. She put it on the floor at the large cabinet in the corner of the room. She stood on it and –still short of the cabinet– she raised her hands and fumbled upon the surface."

OR

"She went inside her room with a footstool and put it on the floor beside the large cabinet in the corner of the room. Standing on it –still short of the cabinet– she raised her hands and fumbled upon the surface."

The biggest problem for me is why does the reader need to know she's carrying the footstool into the room? Would something like this work: "Even standing on a footstool didn't help. She still couldn't reach the top of the cabinet and could only fumble her hands upon the surface."

It seems like this is the crux of that little scene--unless she's been previously forbidden to use the footstool?

JustWriteMike · Aug 26, 2018

Since no one has mentioned it, I will add that from a rhythm standpoint I find starting 3 short sentences in a row with the she verbed a bit clunky. For me the second one definitely reads better. Possibly I would amend it to start with “She carried a footstool into her room..” although that puts more emphasis on the footstool than the act of entering the room so it’s debatable.

Which one is more accurate?

kid009

starrystorm

Curlz

cutsie-pie

cornflake

practical experience, FTW

kid009

cornflake

practical experience, FTW

kid009

cornflake

practical experience, FTW

guttersquid

I agree with Roxxsmom.

hopeful09

JustWriteMike