Conjoining clauses with comma separated lists?

JohnLine · Jul 20, 2018

Is this sentence in error:

Walter’s vision was snow, there was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

I don't see many people using lists of clauses separated by commas with a final conjoining "and," but as far as I know it's correct. Is it, or should it read:

Walter’s vision was snow. There was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

(bonus points can you use ":?" at the end of a sentence?)

BethS · Jul 20, 2018

In order for that construction to work, each clause needs its own verb.

So to fix it: Walter's vision was snow, a dull pain throbbed behind his eyes, and a sticky heat clung to his torso. (Sorry, I took the liberty of cutting down on the wordiness of that second clause.)

can you use ":?" at the end of a sentence?

No. It doesn't make sense.

JohnLine · Jul 20, 2018

Thanks Beth! but isn't "coming" the verb of the second clause?

Maryn · Jul 21, 2018

No, it's was.

lizmonster · Jul 21, 2018

JohnLine said:
Is this sentence in error:

Walter’s vision was snow, there was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

I don't see many people using lists of clauses separated by commas with a final conjoining "and," but as far as I know it's correct. Is it, or should it read:

Walter’s vision was snow. There was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

(bonus points can you use ":?" at the end of a sentence?)

I'd semicolon it myself:

Walter's vision was snow; there was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

<cue all semicolon haters, including probably my old copy editor

>

BethS · Jul 21, 2018

JohnLine said:
Thanks Beth! but isn't "coming" the verb of the second clause?

Yes: "was coming", although you separated "was" from "coming." Some would read it as the verb being "was" by itself.

But there was no verb in the original third clause, which meant it was piggybacking on the verb in the second clause. And that can be fine in certain circumstances, but in this case, it was out of sync with the way the first clause was constructed.

To put it more simply:

You can have one verb that applies to a list of two or more actions.

After Suzy left, Joe was left with a headache, a toothache, and a very bad feeling about the new plan.

Or you can list two or more actions, each with its own verb.

On his way to work, Joe stopped at the ATM, bought bagels for the office, and lost the key to his apartment.

But you can't mix the two methods together in one sentence.

Chase · Jul 21, 2018

Just saying: As always, Beth is spot on, and her fixes are correct.

Liz's semicolon fix also works well. (Semicolon haters are more often those who don't know how they work; most function better when applied sparingly. :greenie

)

blacbird · Jul 21, 2018

lizmonster said:
I'd semicolon it myself:

This. What you have there instead is a comma splice, which is simply incorrect punctuation. This is a perfect place for a semicolon, whether some people hate them or not.

caw

JohnLine · Jul 21, 2018

Thank you for the explanation Beth! I felt it was wrong, but couldn't quite figure out how.

JohnLine · Jul 21, 2018

lizmonster said:
I'd semicolon it myself:

<cue all semicolon haters, including probably my old copy editor >

I miss semicolons.

Sage · Jul 21, 2018

JohnLine said:
Is this sentence in error:

Walter’s vision was snow, there was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

I don't see many people using lists of clauses separated by commas with a final conjoining "and," but as far as I know it's correct. Is it, or should it read:

Walter’s vision was snow. There was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

(bonus points can you use ":?" at the end of a sentence?)

It depends on what you want to do with this. If it's just a list of three things, the "there was" doesn't belong. It should be:

Walter's vision was snow, a dull pain came from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat clung to his torso.

But if you didn't intend for this to be a list of three things, but instead a list of two after a separate statement about Walter, it would look like this:

Walter's vision was snow. There was a dull pain coming from behind his eyes and a sticky heat that clung to his torso.

In this case, the subject and verb of the 2nd sentence is "there was" and the list of two shows what there was. No comma before the conjunction.

However you could also write it as:

Walter's vision was snow. A dull pain came from behind his eyes, and a sticky heat clung to his torso.

In this case, you have two independent clauses in that second sentence, separated by a conjunction, and you use a comma here.

You could also use a semi-colon after "snow" in the 2nd and 3rd examples, instead of a period. Or a "was verbing" for some of those verbs if you prefer.

Conjoining clauses with comma separated lists?

JohnLine

Owns a pen.

BethS

JohnLine

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Maryn

At Sea

lizmonster

Possibly A Mermaid Queen

BethS

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

blacbird

JohnLine

Owns a pen.

JohnLine

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Sage

Supreme Guessinator