Sentence structure

I dislike your first sentence, if for no other reason than it has four "her"s in it. But also, after face I expect a she or a proper noun.

The second sentence is fine. I wouldn't put the participial phrase first.

Hope that helps.

First sentence could be pared down to something like: "She touched her freezing cheek." (as you used 'hand' singular and 'cheeks' plural...so I envisioned she had a very large hand). And yes, the word 'swirling' in the second sentence doesn't sound right to me, and I would swap the clauses. Just my humble opinion

Toto Too said:

Maybe this could be a running thread for questions in this area.

Here are two sentences - I'm not sure if they are correct, incorrect, or technically incorrect but acceptable:


1. Reaching her hand to her face, her fingers touched her freezing cheeks.

Is the free modifier incorrect, as it seems to be referring to her fingers instead of her?

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What you have there is two separate actions--reaching her hand ("lifting" would sound better) and her fingers touching her face. The problem I see is that you've taken the first action and made it into a modifier, which implies it should be happening concurrent with the second action. And that, of course, is impossible. She has to do first one, then the other. So it should be something like: She lifted a hand to her face and touched her freezing cheeks. Or maybe just: She touched her freezing cheeks. Or: Her fingers brushed her freezing cheeks.

2. She shut her eyes, her mind swirling with fear as she stood amidst the chaos.

Is "swirling" the right verb form here? Should the clauses be swapped? Or should "her mind swirling" be replaced with "as her mind swirled"?

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That one looks fine as it is. Nothing wrong with "swirling." I wouldn't suggest swapping the clauses, though you could write something like: Amidst the chaos she shut her eyes, her mind swirling with fear. That gets things in the right order: there's chaos; she reacts by closing her eyes, which causes her to focus on her fear. As you currently have it, the "as" puts the precipitating factor--the chaos--last. That's always a danger with the "as" construction.

+1 to BethS.

In addition to Beth's comment and others you can cut down #2 from

She shut her eyes, her mind swirling with fear as she stood amidst the chaos.

To

She shut her eyes, mind swirling with fear amidst the chaos.

Toto Too said:

1. Reaching her hand to her face, her fingers touched her freezing cheeks.

Is the free modifier incorrect, as it seems to be referring to her fingers instead of her?

Click to expand...

I agree with everything said before me. Too many "her"s, and the false concurrence of events.
These issues aside, some suggested trimming the sentence, and I think both options are valid, but have a slightly different purpose:
1. "She touched her freezing cheeks." This is short and precise. To me it seems to underline the action itself, and the fact that her cheeks are freezing cold.
2. "She lifted a hand to her face and touched her freezing cheeks." This is more drawn-out, conveying a sense of suspense, maybe even horror. This focuses more on the atmosphere of the scene, which I cannot divine from a single sentence.

Toto Too said:

2. She shut her eyes, her mind swirling with fear as she stood amidst the chaos.

Is "swirling" the right verb form here? Should the clauses be swapped? Or should "her mind swirling" be replaced with "as her mind swirled"?

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I like swirling. It provides a concurrence that I enjoy, along with the "as" part at the end. Now, again, different formulations have been suggested:
1. "Amidst the chaos she shut her eyes, her mind swirling with fear." As BethS said, this provides order and causality. It also starts with chaos and ends with fear, which perhaps focuses on the horror.
2. "She shut her eyes, her mind swirling with fear as she stood amidst the chaos." (The original.) This is non-linear, but that is a valid way to tell a story. The reader isn't certain why she's shutting her eyes; why her mind's in a swirl. This adds an air of mystery. Also, it focuses more on the character herself, starting with "She shut . . ." and ending with ". . . as she stood . . ."

What I'm trying to say is: it all depends. The more critical problems have already been pointed out, but the stylistic choice remains, and has to fit the relevant context.

My two cents. And everything I said might be completely false in context; maybe the context lends itself to a different interpretation entirely.

EDIT: All examples of formulation are shamelessly stolen from BethS. Also, Harlequin suggested a different version of #2 that I sadly didn't notice. Anyway, my intention was to convey the effect on the feel of the sentence, not to give a comprehensive account of all possible options, so I'll leave it at that.