Clunky Speech Tags

Said bookisms are of the devil.

Stick with "said" whenever you need to specify attribution, unless you have a real good reason for using something else. "Said" is, to a reader, an invisible word. It conveys what is necessary without calling attention to itself.

caw

MichaelRegal said:

So I've got this little excerpt from the new thing I'm working on, and the clunkiness in the last part of the scene where I have "the cowboy verbed" twice is bothering me a lot. It's important to note that this man has not been named yet, and the POV character can only reference him through his description.

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I'm going to depart somewhat from the advice so far offered by others in this thread. I think "commented the cowboy" and "noted the cowboy" are more or less OK, taken individually, in that they fit the tone of this piece and they show him as a laconic, possibly wry, uninvolved observer. The tags imply something about his attitude.

But--the repetitive nature of the two tags is a bit clunky, being that they're so close together and yet slightly different. If you're going to be repetitive, it needs to be effective repetition, and I'm not sure this is. I think you probably need to play with this some more, maybe amplify the second one by using body language for the cowboy instead of the tag.

Is this set in modern times?

I don't mind words like "commented" or "noted". Sometimes "said" does convey the right emotion. I do agree having them together like that is a little disarming. I don't if there's away where the context will make it clear the cowboy spoke last? Like action, or its sheer parallelism that cues us in to the fact that it's the same person?

There's really no need for the last tag. Have the fella "note" the first assault, and leave the second untagged.

OK, here's my feelings (my own, not necessarily of any authority) about the segment:

“Señorita,” he said, with a cock of his head. You could eliminate a tag with "'Senorita.' He cocked his head."
“Rafael,” replied Jade. You could use an action tag like "'Rafael.' Jade looked away."
“It is good to see you here. Parting is such sweet sorrow – I am afraid that my heart tears me from my work to be with the woman I love.”
“It was nice working with…”
Before she could finish, Rafael kissed her full on the neck. Jade’s eyes fluttered as she bit her lip in pleasure. Magnus’s eyes widened.
“That right there is sexual assault,” commented the cowboy. You can use "said" here, or a character-building action tag. Even if it's a saidism, something like "drawled," is more vivid than "commented."
She pulled away from him who? Magnus or Rafael? The cowboy? then slapped him hard across the face, making a cracking sound that reverberated through the plains.
“That right there is actual assault,” noted the cowboy. If you've been using action tags, you haven't used "said" enough to need to use a variant here. In fact, since it's pretty clear who's saying it, you don't need a tag at all. We'll assume it's the cowboy.

Apropos kd anything else, the phrasing "actual" assault sort of implies sexual assault isn't real assault. I dont think that's what you mean at all and understand the joke you're going for but the specific wording stood out to me. Others may feel different.

I recommend Beth's general thoughts and Twick's more specific. Getting rid of the other two "that" uses leaves them as added identifiers for the cowboy's words:

“Señorita.” He cocked his head.
“Rafael,” replied Jade.
“It is good to see you here. Parting is such sweet sorrow – I am afraid my heart tears me from my work to be with the woman I love.”
“It was nice working with…”
Before she could finish, Rafael kissed her full on the neck. Jade’s eyes fluttered as she bit her lip in pleasure. Magnus’s eyes widened.
“That right there is sexual assault,” said the cowboy.
She pulled away from him then slapped him hard across the face, making a cracking sound reverberate through the plains.
“That right there is actual assault.”

I'll second Twick and agree with Harlequin and I believe the ellipses should be an m-dash if she's being interrupted. (ellipses indicate trailing off, stumbling through thoughts, that sort of thing.) And then cut the 'Before she could finish;' the m-dash implies interruption and Rafael kissed explains why.

Oh, and I also think 'replied' is only used following a question. So, 'replied Jade' seems unnecessary to me at all, and I prefer and action tag there or something a bit more developed (or else cut altogether if you wan a quick pace), but if you keep the tag the one you should have used was 'responded.' Or said, which is less visible. But at least when I looked it up a few months ago, 'replied' indicates a response to a question, which Rafael did not pose here.

Here's several articles from the editor's blog by Beth Hill.

I put the search in the engine, so there's several listed you can check out! Super helpful, and also check out the site, lots of technical and inspirational advice.

Link

Best of luck with your writing!

Maybe just say "he added" instead of "noted the cowboy". That would make it clear that it is still the same speaker.

I'll add that the construction "noted the cowboy" comes across to me, as a reader, stilted and contrived and a bad attempt at trying to be "writerly". Maybe that's just me, but I stumble over this verb-article-subject construction a lot, especially when the verb is something other than "said". Using it twice in quick succession only multiplies that problem for me.

caw

IMO, if whomever is speaking is obvious, you don't need a tag at all.

BethS said:

I'm going to depart somewhat from the advice so far offered by others in this thread. I think "commented the cowboy" and "noted the cowboy" are more or less OK, taken individually, in that they fit the tone of this piece and they show him as a laconic, possibly wry, uninvolved observer. The tags imply something about his attitude.

But--the repetitive nature of the two tags is a bit clunky, being that they're so close together and yet slightly different. If you're going to be repetitive, it needs to be effective repetition, and I'm not sure this is. I think you probably need to play with this some more, maybe amplify the second one by using body language for the cowboy instead of the tag.

Is this set in modern times?

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I come down sort of in the middle with "non said" tags. Most of the time, "said," "answered," and "asked" work fine. As BB said, they don't call attention to themselves, and they work best when one is aiming for a lean, invisible style of narrative where the words and deeds speak for themselves. Many people who blog about writing or otherwise dispense writing advice assume everyone is aiming for that style of narrative.

However, not everyone is shooting for a lean, invisible style of narrative, and a sprinkling of other sorts of tags can contribute to voice and characterization. Some (successful, trade-published) writers even go nuts with the said bookisms. Often it's annoying, but I can think of some who pull it off because doing so fits the voice and tone of their work perfectly. I know many who give advice say you should try to crawl before you walk and walk before you run, but I don't think this is always true with writing. Many of us have a natural voice or style, and I don't think that should be crushed out of new writers. Not everyone is a Elmore Leonard (a writer who insisted you should never tag with anything but said, though I'm not sure he always followed his own advice). Others will instinctively use a style or voice that works for the character(s) they are portraying.

Imagine Douglas Adams without doors that gushed, "Pleased to be of service," or characters who opined things. It wouldn't have been as funny.

It's also true that you don't need to tag every (or most) lines at all. When there are only two speakers, and/or the context makes it pretty clear who is saying what, dialog can flow better without many tags, or with only relevant actions to attribute speech.

Harlequin said:

Apropos kd anything else, the phrasing "actual" assault sort of implies sexual assault isn't real assault. I dont think that's what you mean at all and understand the joke you're going for but the specific wording stood out to me. Others may feel different.

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As another point of reference, I'll mention that I also cringed when I got to "actual assault"... would maybe "physical assault" hit the same note you're going for?

In the rewrite, I'm less fond of the almost word-for-word repeat of the tag, and I think my first instinct would be to go for an action tag. Something along the lines of:

“That right there is sexual assault,” said the cowboy.
She pulled away from Rafael then slapped him hard across the face, making a cracking sound that reverberated through the plains.
The cowboy spit. “That right there is actual assault.”

Roxxsmom said:

However, not everyone is shooting for a lean, invisible style of narrative, and a sprinkling of other sorts of tags can contribute to voice and characterization. [...] Many of us have a natural voice or style, and I don't think that should be crushed out of new writers. Not everyone is a Elmore Leonard (a writer who insisted you should never tag with anything but said, though I'm not sure he always followed his own advice). Others will instinctively use a style or voice that works for the character(s) they are portraying.

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Agreed.

MichaelRegal said:

Okay this is what I changed it to. Thanks for your advice!

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I think offering more suggestions is probably not appropriate here, this not being a critique section and you lacking the 50 posts required to post your work in Share Your Work.

But I will say that I don't think the new version works.

Roxxsmom said:

However, not everyone is shooting for a lean, invisible style of narrative,

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That's not exactly what I meant in my previous comment. Of course not everyone writes like that, nor should be expected to. But, regardless of your writing "style" (which also may vary from story to story), I do maintain that every word, every phrase, every sentence used, regardless of chosen style, needs to do work, to carry weight. That's where straining to find exotic varieties of speech tags can get in the way.

caw