How to write better anxiety scenes?

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Phoenix_Writer

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Somehow, I’m unsatisfied to write something like this always:
“My pulse races and I can hear my blood rushing in my ears. The cars, under me, have the size of ants. It’s so high. I … I can’t do this. I didn’t crawl forward at that. I am still in the begin long, rusty steel beam. My hands shiver with fear. I can’t do this. No! I must try it. Otherwise, I’ll be never brave. I move my right-hand forwards. Then the left hand and my right leg. Don’t look down. …”
How can I do it better?
 

paradoxikay

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Well, I don't have a lot of experience crawling across steel beams above heavy traffic, but I do have an anxiety disorder - and in my experience the primary characteristic of my thoughts when I'm panicky is that they're short, repetitive, and often not terribly useful.

Instead of making a neat list of the physical signs of stress, you could try to make your character's fear obvious in the way they describe those signs. Let the description heighten the anxiety - "My heart's pounding so hard I can hear it. It's so fast. Why won't it stop? It's making me feel sick. Stop, stop, stop, I'm going to throw up, stop it, why won't it stop?" You don't want to write a whole scene like that, but someone who's panicking badly isn't thinking rationally. You can give the reader a glimpse of that irrational thinking, then get on with the rest of the scene.

Often a sound or sudden movement will snap me out of thoughts like that, and you can use that to transition back to action. Your character hears something and jumps, freezes - then, since they're now paying more attention to their surroundings, they remember they're supposed to be doing something. They can take that first step onto the beam.

I'm usually not as aware of what I'm doing as I normally would be, like my body's on autopilot and I'm not really paying attention. I tend to notice an action after it's already happened; I won't think that I'm standing up, I'll just realize that I have stood up. You could describe this as an out of body experience, or with little gaps between actions. Your character is kneeling on the beam. Then they're halfway across. Then they're on the other side, with the sound of traffic behind them.

I don't generally have conversations with myself about how I have to be brave when I'm panicking. :p Conversations about how mortifying it would be to throw up on the carpet, maybe.

You don't need to use all - or any! - of these ideas in every scene, of course. But I hope I've given you some ideas.
 

Bufty

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QUOTE=Phoenix_Writer;10397535]Somehow, I’m unsatisfied to write something like this always:


“My pulse races and I can hear my blood rushing in my ears. The cars below ,under me, have are the size of ants. It’s so high. I … I can’t do this. [ I didn’t crawl forward at that Not sure what you are trying to say here]. [I am still in the begin long, rusty steel beam. Maybe - It's such a long way to the other end of the beam. My hands shiver with fear. I can’t do this. No! I must try it. Otherwise, I’ll be never brave. I must be brave. I move inch my right-hand forwards. Then the left hand, and my right leg maybe say 'knee' if you're crawling. Don’t look down.”

How can I do it better?[/QUOTE]

Don't be too tough on yourself, Phoenix_Writer. :Hug2: We all have to walk before we can run.

What you've written isn't bad at all. :e2salute: I've taken the liberty of making a couple of changes.

You have the right idea - it's mastering the English language and its nuances that's your main hurdle, and I think that was touched upon in another thread.

Keep practising, and read how others do it and see if the way they've done it makes you feel the fear.

Good luck.

Bufty :snoopy:
 
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Phoenix_Writer

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@Bufty @paradoxikay Is this better?:

The rusty steel beam sways when I try to inch forward. The cars are the size of ants. They speed. Oh! Hopefully, I don’t fall. (I wouldn’t survive it.) Luckily, two thick wire ropes hold the steel beam. But it doesn’t make it better.
My pulse races. I can hear my blood rushing in my ears. Let’s do this. I mustn’t lose this damn bet. “Cock-a-doddle-doo! Rachel’s mind says ‘don’t do!’. She is a chicken.” Jason says behind me.
No! Don’t agree with him. Move forward! I inch. However, my hands shiver, and that’s making it more difficult. I do it. I inch my right-hand, my left-hand, my right knee, and so on.
Man! That’s a stupid idea. Why am I swayed by Jason’s stupid saying? Oh… Stop it. Stop it. STOP IT! But my body doesn’t listen. It still moves forward to the end.
 

Bufty

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You should use the appropriate SYW Forum threads for crits, Phoenix_Writer.

It's not a question of 'is it better?' - it's totally changed.

To be honest it's not easy critting random snippets out of stories.
 

Girlsgottawrite

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When you write any sort of action scene you want to keep your sentences short (Not necessarily every one but overall). It increases tension and speeds up the pacing.

I can hear my blood rushing in my ears.
This isn't bad and can be made more effective by cutting out "can" like Buffy pointed out, but you always want to be careful of filter words like "hear." They can distance your reader from whatever sensation the character is feeling. Instead, you could write: "Blood pounded in my ears." It's shorter and more direct and packs a bigger punch.
here's a link to a good article about it: https://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/


I can’t do this. No! I must try it. Otherwise, I’ll be never brave.
As funny as this may sound, this is way too coherent. Keep those thoughts quick and rash and sprinkle in a little repetition. "Oh God. Oh God. I can't do this. I can't do it. F-ing coward." Something like that.

I move my right-hand forwards. Then the left hand and my right leg. Don’t look down. …”

This part is good--the way you are focusing on the minute actions. Two things:
1. Look at the action words. See if you can make them stronger. For example: I slide my right-hand forward. or I inch my right-hand forward.
2. Intersperse the action with tiny bits of description to add flavor. For example: I slide my right hand forward, the metal rough against my palm. Then the left hand, and my leg. (Notice you don't always have to state whether it's left or right. It rarely matters to the reader.

I hope that helps!
 
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