Struggling with how I wrote this paragraph

frisco said:

I'd like a little feedback on how this paragraph looks. I'm sure I completely messed it up so any help would be appreciated.

John crawled silently across the filthy floor. Dance clubs wereare, by mynature, dirty places. He tried not to worry about if the floor has had been cleanedin recent memory recently. He ignored the dirt and candy wrappers that littered the club. He kept his eyes wide open, as he anticipated an attack at any moment. He wasn’t worried about crawling on someone’s spit out spat-out, chewing gun. He was worried about Karen having another broken beer bottle. He gritted his teeth: "What if the bitch had a gun?" he said, after gritting his teeth.

Thanks in advance for any help I can get.

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I'd get rid of so many "He did..." Use his name for some of them, to break up the pattern. It's easier to read this way. First sentence notes he crawled across a filthy floor. Third sentence, he blocks out wondering if the floors were cleaned, recently. Obviously they were not, if they are filthy. The third sentence seems to counter the logic of the first sentence.

frisco said:

I'd like a little feedback on how this paragraph looks. I'm sure I completely messed it up so any help would be appreciated.

John crawled silently across the filthy floor. --> Silently and filthy sound too similar here. I also think you can do more to show that it's filthy by describing the why instead of saying that it is. Dance clubs were mynature dirty places. --> Not sure on the use of miniature there. Dance clubs are usually quite large. He tried not to worry about if the floor has been cleanedin recent memory. --> So far there's just a lot of talk about the floor and not much else, so it's not grabbing my attention in a big way. He ignored the dirt and candy wrappers that littered the club. --> Here you actually show it's dirty, so I would slot this into the opening sentence. He kept his eyes wide open as he anticipated an attack at any moment. --> So far I don't really know what's going on other than he's on the floor. Expand your description to give us a bit more of the surroundings. He wasn’tworried about crawling on someone’s spit out chewing gun. He was worried aboutKaren having another broken beer bottle. --> Two uses of "was", not always a no-no but in this instance you could rephrase to something like: Chewing gum didn't matter. What if Karen decided to shoot him in the leg? He gritted his teeth: What if thebitch had a gun?

Thanks in advance for any help I can get.

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Hope this helps!

What kind of feedback are you looking for exactly? Since you didn't specify, I'll criticize everything. Don thick skin.

frisco said:

John crawled silentlyacross the filthy floor One too many adjectives / adverbs. Dance clubs were mynature dirty places. What's miniature (sp) about them? They seem pretty big, especially when they're empty and you're crawling. He tried not to worry about if the floor had been cleaned in recent memory. He ignored the dirt and candy wrappers that littered the club. Sounds more like a movie theater. Not sure too many people eat candy while dancing. More like stale alcohol, crushed pills, sweat, and maybe a condom wrapper or two. He kept his eyes wide open in anticipation of an attack at any moment. He wasn’t worried about crawling on someone’s spit out chewing gum. So why devote so much narrative to it? You gave me the impression he was a germ-phobe. He was worried about Karen having another broken beer bottle. He gritted his teeth: what if the bitch had a gun? Until the last sentence, it wasn't clear that the broken bottle was a weapon. I thought maybe he was concerned about broken glass on the floor or Karen's safety.

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There are a fair number of inactive "to be" verbs: "Dance clubs were", "floor has been cleaned", "He wasn't worried", "He was worried". Even the active verbs mostly aren't really actions: "littered" (better than, "There was litter," but still not a real action), "tried" (tried actually means not doing something), "anticipated", "having", "had".

Try to make it more active. Even description can be active. Talk about John peeling his skin off the sticky floor. Talk about him suppressing a retch. Talk about him sweating in fear and scanning the dark corners for signs of movement.

BWQ really isn't the place for this; I'm moving this post as soon as I figure out where it fits in SYW.