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Chain Fence

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xkara

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My Chain-Link Fence

It rises up, too tall to climb,
but I can still look through
at all the tales I wish I'd tell,
the things I wish I'd do.

Good news, everyone! I can write a poem! The bad news is I seem to struggle to write much else. I had come here with a vow that I wouldn't complain too much about my writer's block, but as I saw there is a forum dedicated to writer's block, I thought I'd go ahead and share my frustrations and ideas. As per my values, I'll try to be as constructive as I can.

The Good Times: I won two NaNoWriMos in a row — 2011 and 2012. I'm sure I wrote freely past that point, but those are the last tangible memories of success that I have. I never had much of a writing practice, but I was a prolific roleplayer, and both NaNos hit me halfway through the month. My highest word count in a day was over 12,000! It was so much fun. In 2011, I remember getting really sick of my story, pretty much hating it, and just pushing forward to be done already. But in 2012 I got super into my story, and while I never completed it, I really enjoyed exploring the backstory and characters, getting so much down on paper and letting the rest stir in my head. It was so much fun.

The Villain: Is it depression? I've had a hard time handling it for years, and anxiety as well. In fact, it's probably anxiety more than it is depression. I try to make prose and I just... freak out? It's strange. I feel like I'm choking. Like I'm pulling out my fingernails. It's so incredibly unpleasant to try to write, and it's such a shame because I have so many stories I want to tell. It's like I need to write. It's like I need to feel that feeling again, but the same task no longer brings the same feeling. I want to figure out why, because I refuse to think that I just don't like to write any more. There's no particular reason I wouldn't like writing. It's just anxiety. It's an unwillingness to be uncomfortable, maybe.

A Possible Strategy: If it's an unwillingness to be uncomfortable, maybe I need to sit with that feeling. Maybe I need to sit down in front of a blank page and put words on it. My therapist thinks I give into my anxiety too much — I run away. Maybe I need to stop running away. Maybe I need to sit with that blank page long enough to get bored of the fear and write something down just so I can go do something else.

I also need to find what makes writing fun for me, as well. I've still done a little bit of roleplaying here and there throughout the years of "major block," but I haven't been nearly as prolific, and I've gotten incredibly limited in what I write. The more a story demands of me, the more anxious I get about it, so I tend to tell myself, "Well, just write something simple. Something easy. Don't go world-building, or craft ornate descriptions." I have yet to grow past that stage. I've planned stories for them to never take off because I struggle to write that first chunk of prose. So I have to find the fun. I have to want to write more than I want to run.

Thank you for reading my thoughts!
 

Enlightened

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Sounds like you need a carrot-stick system to motivate yourself. A big one for me is the challenge of writing a multi-book series, to learn if I can even do it. What is your carrot?
 

xkara

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Hmm, I think that makes sense.

I'm going to be a part of a game-development group. It's a two-year commitment. I'm coming in from the angle of being the "writer," which can be really intimidating when I haven't written much substance in a while.

As a computer programmer (the main focus of the group), the opportunity shook a lot of perfectionism out of me about learning to code. I finally said to myself, "Okay, this thing starts in April — I have a lot to get done, and I gotta get it done fast."

Maybe it can work this way for writing, too. Because if I can't get myself to start actually making even a little bit of something by the end of March, I might be missing a huge opportunity. I want this, and I can do this.
 

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There ya go. Confidence and commitment are both needed. One drives the other. A positive disposition towards the effort is a great start.
 

xkara

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Thanks for helping me think about it!

I also just realized I might want to change my method of writing. It seems I struggle often going from blank page to prose, but that's what I keep trying. Maybe if I start out by writing down my ideas and fleshing out details, I might be able to eventually turn all those details into prose. Knowing what I'm trying to write might just help me write it!
 

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Pantser (writing by the seat of your pants) <----- Spectrum-----> Plotter (outliner)

I think everyone exists somewhere on this spectrum. I am more heavy on the plotter end of the spectrum. A warning, if you do too much plotting, you can end up doing what I did.... Creating a fictional universe that spans 30 years, 4 eras, and a potential of 17 books. :D
 

xkara

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Hey, I'd rather do that than have nothing! ^^ Even if the books aren't written, for me there's a sense of fulfillment in having the story. Once it's in your head, though, you gotta start writing it down, even if it's not prose!
 
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