The artistic (and other) virtues of loneliness

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blacbird

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I just ran across this fascinating article, with which I can thoroughly identify:

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20180228-there-are-benefits-to-being-antisocial-or-a-loner

I fit. I value the friends I have greatly, but I don't have many, nor do I feel I need many. I don't Facebook. I don't have my phone on all the time. I have the sense that where my childhood generation there was fear of the dark, in today;'s generation there is fear of the quiet. I like quiet, silence. It is a major reason I live where I do, in a place where I can literally walk off into the woods across the street from my house, for hours if I want, without encountering more than three or four other human beings, sometimes without encountering any. I hate going into stores with blaring, mindless music soundtracks trapped under the ceiling, inescapable.

I can happily spend an entire day alone in my house working on stuff I like to work on, without the phone ringing even once (alas, that is rare). So, I'm curious: what do others here think of this article? In the meantime, I'll quote from a great early, haunting and slightly creepy Neil Young song, "The Loner":

He's a perfect stranger,
A cross of himself and a fox.
He's a feeling arranger,
A changer of the way he talks.
He's the unforeseen danger,
The keeper of the keys to the locks.

Knowing you see him,
Nothing can free him,
Step aside, open wide,
It's the loner . . .


caw
 

Roxxsmom

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I know what you mean. I do need company at times and do get some energy from being around other human beings, but too much and I end needing to decompress, or to have just the company of my spouse. We can be together while each doing our own thing, whether it be reading, watching something on television, or futzing around on the computer.

The hard part is keeping the few close friends I have, because I can go weeks without touching bases. This isn't how most people conduct friendships these days. And I don't have a close friendship with anyone who lives close enough where we can just drop by one another's homes unannounced and hang out, even though we have no plans or activities to share. I won't say I never text friends, and sometimes I call just to talk, but I don't get the need some have to text their friends constantly when there's nothing terribly interesting to say.

I do wonder if I'm missing something, though. When I'm at a dog agility trial, other people I've known casually for years will text back and forth with the people who aren't there, or who are at different trials. I don't even have most of these peoples' phone numbers, though we're all on facebook. I don't have the foggiest idea how to initiate and nurture that kind of friendship, though, without coming off as pushy and creepy. How do I know, if I decided to text someone out of the blue just to crack a joke or say share a picture or say hi, whether or not they're thrilled to hear from me, or if they think I'm being pushy or annoying? I also hear people gossiping about their friends who aren't there, and it doesn't always sound like they like or respect each other all that much.

Easier to be a loner sometimes.
 

frimble3

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You are my people!

I don't have a cell-phone, I'm not on social media. This place and one other site are where I know the most people.

IRL, I have a couple of good friends from work, a couple of neighbours I chat to. And that's about it. And, honestly, generally, when we talk, whether on not they initiate the talk, it's always about them.
It's simpler. They like to talk about themselves, seem to have no particular interest in my interests, and I find things too hard to explain. No-one much wants to hear the downer stuff about my health, no-one shares my interests or hobbies. I do Bible study once a week, just to talk about something neutral.
And, I'd just as soon have the time to myself. I live around people, (townhouse complex - people next door are right next door) I see them when I'm out and about, and that's good enough for me.
I don't need them in my space.
 
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Words.Worth

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[FONT=&quot]" Feist’s research on both artists and scientists shows that one of the most prominent features of creative folks is their lesser interest in socialising." [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I must say it's completely opposite of me. I love people and love verbal interaction with especially intelligent people. Night clubs , dance floors and karaoke are my entertainment. As said in the article solitude is good for the well being and productivity but I can only be alone for a couple of hours and I get totally bored.
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Carrie in PA

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I'm one of those oddballs who straddles the lines. I have a ton of friends, but very few FRIENDS. I am outgoing and extroverted and highly social - and many times I need that kind of interaction. I am also perfectly content with my own company, and a lot of the time, I need to be with myself. I crave my time alone, but I also crave time with others.

I generally identify myself as an extrovert, but I absolutely need lots of time alone.

So yeah, I agree with the article... until I don't. LOL
 

Kjbartolotta

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I don't know if it's an only child thing or not, but being around people...is still weird to me. It seems like every five years or so I have to relearn all the rules and start from scratch, I've gone through periods where I have tons of friends and periods when I've had none. Since I moved to LA, I've had to rely on my GF's social whirl for contact with people outside of work, they're all cool, hip artist-types so I'm lucky to be around such interesting people. But I keep having to relearn how to interact with them. But I've never, ever, ever felt lonely in my life, except when I compare myself to other people and suddenly feel insecure. That feeling fades as I get older, as does the sense that there's something wrong with living in my head. All the virtues of loneliness are readily apparent to me, frankly, it's its own reward. But I always get nervous when remembering my mom's advice, "You need to be careful, people like us get lost in there." I'm sure y'all can relate.

High-density urban living is a nightmare, but I think if I ever lived someplace quieter I'd probably hermit away forever and be happy with that. So no Lake Isle at Innisfree just yet.
 

ironmikezero

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Good article . . . However, I feel like someone has briefly exposed my tribe, whose sole requirements are unending curiosity, unfettered creativity, and profound respect for individual privacy. I think I'll close the curtains now, if you don't mind. The nosy crowd can please move along--nothing to see here. :Shrug:
 

Marissa D

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I am lucky to be an introvert married to another introvert, with three introvert children. We have a quiet house. :) When everyone's home on weekends, we may not interact except in passing for most of the day...but we always have dinner together and talk and laugh (we also share the same sense of humor) and then do our own things again after that. It's...really, really nice.
 

blacbird

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I can only be alone for a couple of hours and I get totally bored.

Thereby demonstrating a major difference between "extroverts" and "introverts"*, I suppose. In contrast, I am never bored. I always have enough going on in my head to keep me totally engaged. I often find busy social settings so distracting that I need to escape them.

caw

*I hate these two pop-psych terms.
 

Laer Carroll

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I agree with all the posters in this thread who prefer lots of alone time.

I'll add this to what's been said so far. Here in AW I have the company of some very smart and likable people, some who live on the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET! That good feeling is one of the reasons why I've been part of AW for the last several years.

There's a practical side to being part of AW, too. The thoughts and advice of you all has made my writing better. I can't pay you back directly, but when I feel I can afford to I give a chunk of my income to AW. (Which, as it happens, is today.)

Blacbird, thanks for the post.
 

The Black Prince

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I'm definitely an extrovert and like being with people...have many close friends.

BUT, I'm also a commuter and get a lot of work done on the train. Also, Mrs BP has numerous interests which take her out of the house (she's an Australian champion surf boat rower). In other words, I have plenty of time by myself which I use very well.

In fact, whenever approached for advice by people wanting to write/get published, almost the first thing I say is this: if you're serious about writing, be prepared to spend a LOT of time by yourself. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe writing is not your thing.
 

Sids21

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Very interesting article. I can defenetely see how isolation could spark creativity. I find most writers are introverts, so maybe that's why their so creative and vice-versa.
 

Harlequin

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Loneliness is not the same thing as being a loner. Isolation isn't the same as solitude.

Introverts can enjoy other people's company as much as extroverts; the difference tends to be that they find the encountering tiring afterwards, whereas the extroverts will come away refreshed.

My partner and I will attend the same event, and enjoy it equally. But when we come home I'll be exhausted, whereas he'll be revved up.
 
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Dave.C.Robinson

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One thing I love is going out with my partner to a quiet coffee shop. I'll sit and write, she'll sit and crochet and we'll both be happy enjoying each other's company without really interacting. We'll do the same thing at home, although she likes to keep the TV on.
 

thereeness

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I agree with this article a lot and I agree with others. I have a small circle of friends that I love and care about deeply, but they live in other states, so I mostly rely on my roommate for social interaction. It's fun going out to dinner or a movie or shopping, but it's also comforting to know there's someone in the house, just in another room, doing their own thing. I have been lonely, a lot of the time, but I've also learned to keep myself company. Being around people...it's a challenge. I feel awkward and like I have to impress and then I'm always wiped out afterwards. Going to a movie is fine, you sit and you enjoy. Going to a concert? Yikes, I'm yawning just thinking about it. I think it's like that with a lot of creatives, finding balance between total blanket-burrito'd and being out with people. Or at least, it is with a lot of the creatives I know.
 

Professor Yaffle

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I'm a bit of a loner because I'm not great socially. I am also introverted and anxious (yay! triple whammy!)

However in a way it's been good for making stories: the 'not fitting in well' bit has meant that in an attempt to understand people, I watch how they act and interact, and imagine their lives. I'm constantly surprised by how many aspects a someone can have to them, and how environment and personality mesh to produce that particular person.

As to the being alone thing, I do need some company, and could probably do with a little bit more. My husband is excellent for both silly conversations and comfortable silences though. Also I have three noisy children and I love my lone, quiet, time.
 

Tazlima

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As a high schooler I used to love detention. The punishment was time in the library while everyone else went to a pep assembly. ---s6

Aw man. I would have LOVED that. I hated pep rallys. Miserably dense crowds, noise that hurts your ears, mandatory attendance, and having to clap and cheer to avoid being singled out, and all for the sake of a football team I didn't give two craps about.

About the only good thing was that someone always managed to sneak in a chicken or two and set them loose during the event. Watching the teachers try to round up panicked poultry was pretty entertaining, although I pitied the poor chickens.
 
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blackcat777

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I have a ton of imaginary friends, but because we're telepathic, we don't need to text.
 

Sarahani

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It is a good article, I've read about aloneness a while ago. My only problem is the confusion on the word loneliness and solitude. Aloneness is basically the fact of being alone... duh! Then they are 2 subcategories: Solitude and Loneliness.
Solitude is chosen. It is an alone time that is enjoyable for many and diverse reasons. It usually leads to the discovery of the self and the development of independence.
Loneliness is imposed by others. It is a painful alone time because of our awareness to our limitations. It usually leads to the need of others.
 

boatman

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I spend many hours alone, usually in the early mornings, contemplating my ignorance. Isolated hours with just the central heating boiler for company. During these lonely times I write a bit and answer my fan mail - often from the electricity supply company or an awfully nice lady from the council politely asking why I haven't paid my property tax bill.
By breakfast time I'm usually in a state of torpor and swamped by decaf coffee.
When I unleash myself on the world anyone with whom I come into contact is immediately dragged down to my level and will themselves require a few hours of contemplative solitude the re-energize.
5.57 AM. Two hours to breakfast.
 
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