"Pairs with Spares: Living Heinlein"

Laer Carroll

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The Heliosphere SF/F con is just two weeks away. It'll be held in Tarrytown, NY, a town about 25 miles north of Manhattan on the east bank of the Hudson. I'm thinking of visiting NY the week before to binge on dancing the Argentine tango, so I may stay over and go to the con. For more info on Heliosphere follow this link - http://www.heliosphereny.org/

The program is the usual eclectic con mix, with all sorts of SFFnal topics and events. This includes chances to rub elbows and chat with authors newbie and established. One program item was PAIR WITH SPARES: LIVING HEINLEIN. From the web site:

Who decided you could only love one person that way? Is it possible that more could make it better? Do you assume that monogamy is the only way or the best way for you?

I've lived in two triples, for three and ten years respectively. We got along well and broke up without a lot of drama, staying in touch for many years afterward. In one case this was because we shared children, the other case because we still cared for each other in more than romantic ways.

What about you? Have you been in or know of any sort of multiple marriage? Read any stories about them (SFFnal or otherwise) which impressed you, positively or negatively? Have any plans to write such stories?
 
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blackcat777

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I think this is a really interesting subject, and it's the only kind of romance I have an interest in writing at the moment. ;)

It's not SFF, but I read Chad Kultgen's The Average American Male and Average American Marriage recently and they are (hilariously written and) extremely insightful on the subject. The takeaway is that monogamy doesn't leave much for the animal within, and many people will either need to cheat or open a marriage to be sexually fulfilled. That's not my personal opinion full stop (I think it's more complicated), but there is some reality to it that deserves consideration.

The reality of cheating is that it's DEVASTATING.

Modern society generally rewards a double income over one.

So many people have poor relationship and/or communication skills, and often simply two people together is enough to become toxic and destructive (the failure rate of marriage is 50%). Without extremely high levels of trust, honesty, openness, self-awareness between partners, adding a third person into the equation is fraught with peril. (This is why fiction makes a lovely escape. ;) )

I've heard arguments about how polygamy is for the rich and I can understand how more resources would simplify a variety of arrangements. I think Maslow's pyramid is applicable - the need for survival (followed by the need to procreate) will generally outweigh the pursuit of finer pleasures. There's a hierarchy of biological needs.

There is always the possibility of the unknown. I've read a lot of real-life accounts of unexpected explosive jealousy when a third person is thrown into the mix, people breaking down and crying for no reason despite having planned. Performance failures resulting in massive blows to the ego. I think it's something that requires an insane amount of discussion, planning, research, and more discussion if you're already committed and want to open things up.

Another interesting thing to consider is how living in a digital age of connection creates all kinds of possibilities for meeting that people previously never had on such a grand scale. It's a fascinating subject.

Help, e-readers are corrupting me! ;)
 

Kjbartolotta

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Some nice thoughts, blackcat.

The Expanse
series constantly features callbacks to James Holden's loving 8-parent plural marriage family. It's hokey and kind of cute, I think it starts out thinly developed and you eventually get to see the dynamic in more detail. Also, one of the characters in the later books (Pao, I think) practices this with her starship crew, and their relationship is fairly well-realized for somewhat ancillary characters. I don't think this is because the authors are fans of plural marriage themselves, more just because the series tries to be respectful and tolerant of everyone, but it's interesting to note both plural sets are also collaborating on a business venture.

I remember it coming up in Grace of Kings, on the MC's rise to power he is goaded into taking a second wife (by his first wife, no less). It doesn't go well, but that's more because of character drama than any comment on the practice.

Traitor Baru Cormorant is the only book I can think of with one female and multiple male pairings. I think the concept is weirdly plausible for pre-modern societies, but can't think of any cases of it.
 

Laer Carroll

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Right, blackcat. It's hard enough for a twosome marriage to last for a lifetime. And the longer our lives the more chances a couple will grow apart, till breaking up is less painful than staying together. A threesome, foursome, etc would be even harder.

Forces making breakups more likely are not just time. The ability of both women and men to have careers is one. Women still have a harder time supporting themselves than men, but most can at least survive on their own income.

Forces that keep a couple/triple/whatever together include shared children. What often happens is that when the last kid leaves home the couple who wanted to break up finally does so. If they did NOT want to, sometimes they adopt kids. As much stress kids bring into our lives, they also bring rewards.

One scientific/technical advance (which we already have seen play out in real life) which would affect future marriages is extended life. What will happen when the average healthy life is 200/300/more years? I can imagine a family in which a core couple provides a spine which lets kids come and go but the marriage remains.

Another sci/tech advance is easier, cheaper, safer sex change. It's already better and getting better still but problems still remain. Of the two trans individuals whom I know well one is perfectly happy with his sexual and personal life, the other killed herself because (her suicide note read) she could never get sexual relief and that was painful enough that the personal part of her life was not enough to make life worthwhile.

So near-future SF would need to address the remaining problems as well as show the positive effects of sex change. Further future speculation might assume the biological problems mostly disappear but (I'd guess) social problems remain. And new problems might surface; what I'll leave up to others to imagine.
 

blackcat777

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So near-future SF would need to address the remaining problems as well as show the positive effects of sex change. Further future speculation might assume the biological problems mostly disappear but (I'd guess) social problems remain. And new problems might surface; what I'll leave up to others to imagine.

One thing I think about sometimes is how strict gender roles are rigidly enforced and perpetuated through society is because humanity's survival struggles up until this point (in terms of human evolution) have depended upon reproduction for survival. I think one of the many reasons (and this is a complex topic) people are so hostile to anyone who expresses a sexuality that doesn't focus on procreation is unconsciously perceived as an affront to the survival of the species. It's not logical, it's not even conscious--I think part of the baseless revulsion and upset people feel at the idea is triggered (in part) by those ancient reptilian parts of the brain.

Even choosing to be childfree is met with absurd hostility, nevermind choosing to present any kind of LBGT+ identity. The one thing all of those people have in common is bucking procreation.

That being said, we are on the cusp of intelligent management of resources being humanity's NEWEST threat to survival. It is interesting to speculate what kind of social orders will evolve to meet those concerns. It's interesting to think about space colonies, with mastery of free energy, terraforming, etc., and how that level of mastery of resources would shift consciousness towards accepting higher parts of the mind that are not contingent on basic survival. Would there be a neo-development of a society in which "it takes a tribe to raise a child," so there would be some resolution for women who would like to both bear children and pursue a career? Could we embrace the full symphonic range of human emotional complexity, and not relegate certain expressions of self to either men or women?

Thanks, Laer. You know, after I started watching Black Mirror, I was like, "I CAN NEVER WRITE SCI-FI AGAIN because I can't imagine anything more interesting than this." But you have some wheels in the back of my head turning. ;)
 
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Filigree

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In Diane Duane's 'Middle Kingdom' fantasy books, group marriages and LGBTQIA relationships were common enough to be culturally accepted. People couldn't get married until they had borne or sired at least one child, a function of the setting's high death rate.
 

Kjbartolotta

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I don't think either covers group marriage specifically, but bot 2312 and Luna: New Moon cover sexuality, gender fluidity, and the future of marriage in exhaustive detail. Both come to the conclusion the future is going to feature a rather wide spectrum of possibilities, and I generally agree with their assertions.