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It's time to go back to work, but I can't work... help!

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Punk28

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I'm not sure if I should be laughing and picking fun at myself or giving myself a good kick in the can for this. In October, I had to put a stop to working on one of my projects. My health was starting to slip, and I wanted to concentrate on it before dedicating myself to my writing. From October to late December, I fought what I was going through before making the decision to go to the hospital. Long story short, it took me another ambulance ride before the people at the hospital near me found something that was life threatening in me and admitted me for longer than a single night. After spending 10 days in the hospital, I was released; I spent a month following this to recover before trying to transition into working on moving several of my completed projects to this computer and continuing work on the one project that I stopped working on. While moving one of the completed projects to this computer, I found the issue that stomped me with the incomplete project; while there was an aha moment for me after it was found, and while I said I was going to work to fix what needed to be fixed, I'm finding that I lack the drive to work on it. Normally, when I have a project on the table, I work on it until it's done and I don't go into lengthy periods of just abandoning it before resuming work on it, so this procrastination (if you'll let me use that word) is very new for me.


Is there a way for me to kick whatever's going on to the curb, and is it too soon to work on my WIP? I do have the interest to finish this project, but the drive to actually work on it is just not there.
 

CathleenT

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I'm so sorry you're in the struggling space, Punk. If it helps, you're not alone. We all park here now and again, wishing like hell we were anywhere else.

Okay, as best as I can understand, this is what happened. You worked yourself into the ground. The life-threatening illness may have had other causes, too (mostly I've found that large problems have multiple origins), but it certainly didn't help to overwork your body. I don't know the ramifications of your condition, if it's something that's bam! fixed and gone (like appendicitis) or if it will be something you have to learn to live with (like diabetes).

We need our bodies to work. Without that, we're dead or at least severely curtailed. I strongly suggest taking a long look at your physical health. As a disclaimer, I can make general recommendations, but I think you should run at least some of this stuff by your doctor. Going on long walks, for instance, is appropriate for me. It may not be for you, at least at this stage of your recovery.

So I'd recommend looking at your overall physical health patterns first--eating regularly, eating well (generally, lots of veggies and cutting way back on prepackaged food), taking vitamins and supplements, following a regular sleep schedule, and exercising appropriately. Yeah, okay, it's basic and it's boring, but we can all get better here.

Then there are mental health patterns. Are you beating yourself up or otherwise unnecessarily pressuring yourself? As in: Oh, no--I can't be a real writer because I have so little to show for it. If I don't see some kind of real progress this year, I need to just quit writing because I'm just not good enough, etc.

We all do this crap sometimes, and it's not good for us. If you struggle with this, too, I'd suggest a redirect. As a metaphor, if you're training a dog and they engage in a behavior that's uh, changeworthy, the easiest way to solve that is to have them engage in a different, incompatible behavior. Our brains (and dogs') process positives better than negatives.

For example, I have a German shepherd puppy named Tuni who's four-and-a-half months old. Two months ago she started engaging in overly aggressive behavior toward dogs who weren't in her pack. Even though I've got a psychology degree, I didn't know how to cope with this. But Ashley, the dog trainer I went to see, was very methodical about it. When Tuni barks aggressively at other dogs, she has to lie down or at least sit. It's a less aggressive posture, and it gets her doing something I can reward her for. In essence, it's an incompatible behavior with the one we're trying to change.

Now applying that concept to mental behavior, in my case, I have a problem with putting too much mental energy into people I love who've hurt me, and it's no longer productive for me to engage with them, at least at this time. So instead of having mental arguments with them, when I catch myself doing that, I say a rosary. Keeps my mind busy with other words, and I'm meditating on images that have real meaning to me. I've noticed a real decrease in that problematic mental behavior as a result, and I feel soooo much better.

If you are beating yourself up, consider trying to find a mental activity that's incompatible with that. I don't know if prayer is a significant part of your life--maybe it wouldn't be appropriate for you--but there are other things you can do. Puzzles, movies, research on supplements that may prevent a recurrence of your physical breakdown...anything that gets your mind off something which can only harm you.

Okay, I've addressed (briefly) overall physical and mental health. Then there are things that may be specific to you. I'm just going to throw things out there. I can't claim to know what's exactly best for you or what's going on in your life. These are merely guesses, possible avenues for you to explore.

You almost died. You know this, and it's got to be scary. C'mon, most of us have stuff we still want to do. Maybe at some subconscious level, you're just being cautious--and that's not entirely inappropriate. I gave up flying, which I loved, because it almost killed me a couple times. I miss it, but I'm way more alive than John Denver. So maybe it's your mind and body combining to put the breaks on something that could cause you harm. Maybe you're not ready to dive back in yet. Or maybe it's just a reasonable fear response.

In either case, I'd recommend setting limits on writing/editing. X number of words or pages, and not very high to start. Pick something that's super-achievable. Write 300 words a day for the next week or edit five pages. I'm just throwing this out as an example--you will be a better judge of what's appropriate for you.

It's good in a couple ways. If this is just a fear response, keeping the commitment small is a great way to work through this. If you haven't quite recovered, starting by dipping your toes in the shallow end is a more appropriate way to get back in shape, as it were. And it keeps you from beating yourself up because you aren't doing anything. (I don't know about you, but sometimes I think I'm my own worst enemy.)

Anyway, this is all that's coming to me for now. I hope something here helps. :)
 
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Punk28

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I'm so sorry you're in the struggling space, Punk. If it helps, you're not alone. We all park here now and again, wishing like hell we were anywhere else.

You know, it's odd but I found myself in a situation with one of my prior works. I found myself as having to start from the beginning, and I didn't like having to do it and tried to convince myself that I didn't need to do it. In the end, I went back to fix what needed to be fixed and, you know what, I was able to finish the project and move on to another (which I botched like hell!!). I'm currently trying to convince myself that I have to go back to chapter one with this current project, because it will help in getting me back to where I need to be (the zone, as I like to call it) and it'll also rekindle the fire for this project.


Okay, as best as I can understand, this is what happened. You worked yourself into the ground. The life-threatening illness may have had other causes, too (mostly I've found that large problems have multiple origins), but it certainly didn't help to overwork your body. I don't know the ramifications of your condition, if it's something that's bam! fixed and gone (like appendicitis) or if it will be something you have to learn to live with (like diabetes).

We need our bodies to work. Without that, we're dead or at least severely curtailed. I strongly suggest taking a long look at your physical health. As a disclaimer, I can make general recommendations, but I think you should run at least some of this stuff by your doctor. Going on long walks, for instance, is appropriate for me. It may not be for you, at least at this stage of your recovery.

So I'd recommend looking at your overall physical health patterns first--eating regularly, eating well (generally, lots of veggies and cutting way back on prepackaged food), taking vitamins and supplements, following a regular sleep schedule, and exercising appropriately. Yeah, okay, it's basic and it's boring, but we can all get better here.

It took two trips to the hospital for them to find what was going on with me and then keep me. On the first visit, they kept me for 1 night before releasing me. On the second visit, they kept me for 10 days. It was only by my complaining of abdominal and chest pains that they x-rayed them parts of my body and found a lot of problems that needed immediate medical attention (long story made short, I found that I was pregnant, that I lost the baby, and that the baby wasn't dispelled like normal; it was retained, and was causing all sorts of infections to spread inside of me). A complete hysterectomy was done (per request of mine, of course) and I'm still recovering from it, plus the two slipped ribs that I suffered a month later from over-exerting myself and now the *new* issue with my lip and lower face swelling from allergies (2018, please either stop being mean to me or hurry up and end). With all these issues, I'm just not able to exercise or do as I'm use to doing on a daily basis; sleeping-wise, I'm fine, and I'm anorexic, so there's also that that I'm dealing with (since being released from the hospital, I've gained 3 pounds of the 15 that I lost).


Then there are mental health patterns. Are you beating yourself up or otherwise unnecessarily pressuring yourself? As in: Oh, no--I can't be a real writer because I have so little to show for it. If I don't see some kind of real progress this year, I need to just quit writing because I'm just not good enough, etc.

No. I'm not beating myself up over this. I know I'm good at what I do, it's just a shock that I'm at such a stoplight with this project.

You almost died. You know this, and it's got to be scary. C'mon, most of us have stuff we still want to do. Maybe at some subconscious level, you're just being cautious--and that's not entirely inappropriate. I gave up flying, which I loved, because it almost killed me a couple times. I miss it, but I'm way more alive than John Denver. So maybe it's your mind and body combining to put the breaks on something that could cause you harm. Maybe you're not ready to dive back in yet. Or maybe it's just a reasonable fear response.

In either case, I'd recommend setting limits on writing/editing. X number of words or pages, and not very high to start. Pick something that's super-achievable. Write 300 words a day for the next week or edit five pages. I'm just throwing this out as an example--you will be a better judge of what's appropriate for you.

It's good in a couple ways. If this is just a fear response, keeping the commitment small is a great way to work through this. If you haven't quite recovered, starting by dipping your toes in the shallow end is a more appropriate way to get back in shape, as it were. And it keeps you from beating yourself up because you aren't doing anything. (I don't know about you, but sometimes I think I'm my own worst enemy.)

Anyway, this is all that's coming to me for now. I hope something here helps. :)

Right now, I'm just trying to come up with a plan to tackle this project with. Like I said above, I *know* I need to read through it again to get reaffirmed with it, but the process of actually going through to do it is just, you know, bleh. I don't have plans to abandon this project (I've gone too far into it to do that!!), and I do have plans to finish it, I just need to get into that aforementioned zone to do it. I did open the document that has one of the unworked-on chapters in it today, but I didn't get very far with it because of general distraction and, of course, as I listed above, my face causing me issues. My life's all upside down right now, and writing was what made it feel rightside-up, and now I'm finding myself as not being able to do it because of all the sh!t that's going on.

I'll keep trying but, right now, things look pretty bleak on my side of the rainbow.
 

blacbird

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In October, I had to put a stop to working on one of my projects. My health was starting to slip, and I wanted to concentrate on it before dedicating myself to my writing. From October to late December, I fought what I was going through before making the decision to go to the hospital. Long story short, it took me another ambulance ride before the people at the hospital near me found something that was life threatening in me and admitted me for longer than a single night. After spending 10 days in the hospital, I was released; I spent a month following this to recover before trying to transition into working on moving several of my completed projects to this computer and continuing work on the one project that I stopped working on. While moving one of the completed projects to this computer, I found the issue that stomped me with the incomplete project; while there was an aha moment for me after it was found, and while I said I was going to work to fix what needed to be fixed,

First, and absolutely the most important: You done did the right thing. Stop beating yourself up about it. I can completely empathize. In August of 2017 I was diagnosed with cancer, fortunately very early, and spent the entire autumn almost to Christmas blasting it with radiation. There are things more important than writing, as much as we might like to posture that there aren't.

Now, I recommend you get back into your craft a little at a time, slowly. Don't get hung up on the BIG WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW. Write a page of text tomorrow, say 300-500 words. Or even less. Write a good paragraph. Then put it down, do something else, like go outside and enjoy the sunshine with a leisurely walk (or, if you live in a place like I do, enjoy the clouds and ice fog with a leisurely walk). If you have a pet cat, torment it with piece of string. Bake cookies. Swear randomly at the top of your lungs (a very fine exercise, IMO) at nothing in particular.

The writing will come.

caw
 

Punk28

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Now, I recommend you get back into your craft a little at a time, slowly. Don't get hung up on the BIG WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW. Write a page of text tomorrow, say 300-500 words. Or even less. Write a good paragraph. Then put it down, do something else, like go outside and enjoy the sunshine with a leisurely walk (or, if you live in a place like I do, enjoy the clouds and ice fog with a leisurely walk). If you have a pet cat, torment it with piece of string. Bake cookies. Swear randomly at the top of your lungs (a very fine exercise, IMO) at nothing in particular.

The writing will come.

caw

I've been compiling notes on characters the past few days, and just today completed a timeline of events that happened prior to book 1 and then during and through books 1 -3. I do feel like this is helping, but there's still no drive to get to work on this project once the document is open and the words to it are sitting before me. As a side-note, I've been baking A LOT of cookies (and breads and etc that go along with baking) since getting released from the hospital. I'll be needing to get some more vanilla when I go to the store next, I've been baking so much.
 

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I had this same problem! (Not the medical craziness but the "the document is open but nah I don't feel like it" problem). With writer's block, I just tend to force myself through it. The writer's block sits by my computer and I give it a polite nod and then open up my WIP and just start typing, absolutely loathing every second, but then it's over and I can close my computer and breathe a sigh of relief. This approach doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me, and I hope you can find the approach that works for you, too! Good luck, and prayers for a quick recovery!
 

Punk28

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I had this same problem! (Not the medical craziness but the "the document is open but nah I don't feel like it" problem). With writer's block, I just tend to force myself through it. The writer's block sits by my computer and I give it a polite nod and then open up my WIP and just start typing, absolutely loathing every second, but then it's over and I can close my computer and breathe a sigh of relief. This approach doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me, and I hope you can find the approach that works for you, too! Good luck, and prayers for a quick recovery!

I did this for the 13th chapter of this project, and it worked to get me up to the point that I'm at, but I can't find the energy, or interest, to move on to work on this particular chapter. I don't know what's going on, and it's ironic but I'm finding the interest in reading anything that's not mine to be a complete bust too.

What's even more ironic is I know I need to go back to edit that 13th chapter, and I don't have the original of that chapter anymore (my old computer, that had all of what I was working on, bit the bucket right around when my health issues sparked up and I don't have the funds to get it's hard drive worked on so I can hopefully retrieve them documents). It's going to be a hairy process in fixing that chapter and I'm not looking forward to when I go to work on it.

I feel like everything's in upheaval now and I don't like it one bit!
 

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I just signed on building a new house and had all last year full of not just packing and storing for a move 8 months later, but 2 cancers in my wife (stg.0 unrelated. now all resolved n fixed) and the move in then holidays. The wip took a back seat to all that. Fitness too. I did nothing, even about stopped the flash work.

Im finding rereading the research material and refamiliarizing with the 30% done written parts has rekindled the interest to get it done pretty much because i want to know how the characters solve the problems and see the world i built come to life. Thats the challenge but i will admit, the same level of excitement isnt yet there because its kind of passed after a time of stewing on it and doing nothing. Ive got the next two clawing out of the box. But the interest is returning.

Go over the source material that have you the idea to begin with, youll form a new interest in perhaps another part of it you didn't have before.
 

Punk28

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I've yet to return to working on the unfinished project, but I have indulged in some outlining of a future story so I'm not doing zero writing. I think I'm going to give it another few weeks before trying to dive into the project and then get it done (I've only got 4 chapters to edit on the thing and I'll be done with its first part).
 

cool pop

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Seems to me you just aren't into this particular story. Nothing wrong with that. It all happens to us. I've put certain projects away for months and then I'd go back to them and finish because at first, I just wasn't feeling them. I can't write something if I am not into it. I have to be emotionally involved and interested in the story at that time. You seem to be the same type of writer. I can't just complete a project just because I think I am supposed to. This is why I outline stories and write them immediately after. The minute I get an idea, I plot out the story and write. If I don't do it right then I might lose interest and not wanna go back to it right then.

Sometimes, I've walked away from ideas altogether because I lost interest. It doesn't happen often but it's happened. There is nothing wrong with walking away from a project sometimes either for a break or however long it takes. The issue comes when you can't finish any projects. Some people procrastinate to the point where they are dedicated and don't finish anything. They just keep jumping from idea to idea without finishing anything. That's a big problem that can hinder a writer's long term goal but losing interest in something is normal. Especially if the project's been sitting around a long time.

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself and think you have to finish it. You don't if it's not fun or interesting to you anymore.

I believe writing should be fun and if you have another project you'd rather write, I'd do it.
 

cool pop

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And your profile pic...YIKES! :gone: LOL!
 

Punk28

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Seems to me you just aren't into this particular story. Nothing wrong with that. It all happens to us. I've put certain projects away for months and then I'd go back to them and finish because at first, I just wasn't feeling them. I can't write something if I am not into it. I have to be emotionally involved and interested in the story at that time. You seem to be the same type of writer. I can't just complete a project just because I think I am supposed to. This is why I outline stories and write them immediately after. The minute I get an idea, I plot out the story and write. If I don't do it right then I might lose interest and not wanna go back to it right then.


Sometimes, I've walked away from ideas altogether because I lost interest. It doesn't happen often but it's happened. There is nothing wrong with walking away from a project sometimes either for a break or however long it takes. The issue comes when you can't finish any projects. Some people procrastinate to the point where they are dedicated and don't finish anything. They just keep jumping from idea to idea without finishing anything. That's a big problem that can hinder a writer's long term goal but losing interest in something is normal. Especially if the project's been sitting around a long time.


I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself and think you have to finish it. You don't if it's not fun or interesting to you anymore.


I believe writing should be fun and if you have another project you'd rather write, I'd do it.


I've got an interest in it, it's just that I had no choice but to leave it. I do remember back in October, when I started having trouble with editing this chapter, that I was stressing out over writing and over knowing how to write a sentence (stress, with us writers, is not a good thing to experience as it really does influence us in a bad way).


And your profile pic...YIKES! LOL!


Lol, yeah, it saw it on Facebook one day and decided that it'd be perfect for me. I do love the new movie, so it's only appropriate to have as my profile pic :).
 

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I've got an interest in it, it's just that I had no choice but to leave it. I do remember back in October, when I started having trouble with editing this chapter, that I was stressing out over writing and over knowing how to write a sentence (stress, with us writers, is not a good thing to experience as it really does influence us in a bad way).

The part about stressing over writing a sentence really resonated with me. I've been there SO many times. In fact, I actually stopped working on a project right around October/November (for different reasons) and then in February I had to resume it but couldn't do it at first (managed it eventually).

Since you say you're still passionate about writing the story, I'd suggest reading some part of your unfinished manuscript. It doesn't have to be from start to finish. Maybe try reading chapter 13, or just open the file and read something at random (with no intention to write or edit - that's important, because the pressure to write and the anxiety about it often leads to procrastination). Sometimes while you're reading your work absentmindedly, something will stand out, and you'll either fix something or add something just for the fun of it, and I've found that it often works for me and gets me into the zone. It's like tricking your brain into creative mood without pressure.

Or perhaps just think about the story (if re-reading it is too hard). Recently I've realized that when you actually love a story but can't bring yourself to work on it after a long (or even short) break, it's because you're not longer engaged with the content or events of the story. Isn't that what inspires us to write a story in the first place? We have a thought or an image or a character or an idea that just enters our head and we think it's interesting and it holds our attention and we want to play with it and explore it and create something out of it.

Bottom line, just think about your story when you're not actually in front of your computer (when you're just taking a walk, for example).

Hope this helps. I really don't like the idea of anyone not getting to finish a project they love.:)
 

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I hope you work it out soon. I get severe writer's block when I get depressed.
 

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Punk, have you gotten your writing groove back? Asking for a friend who's a month into recovery from a much needed and welcomed hysterectomy, but can't write a damn word which stresses me her out even more making it even more impossible for me her to write.
 

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This has just not been my year to write or work on what I need to work on. Along with having to go through a major surgery in January, my father passed away in April. Think I'm going to sit out on writing anything for a while (just until things settle down and everything's back to being somewhat normal).
 

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Sometimes when crap starts coming from all sides, it makes sense to stop all writing for weeks and months, until one manages to deal with the crap. Even if it's just fixing oneself to the point that life again has the needed 10-20% surplus of energy beyond sheer survival, and that can go into writing and stuff.

It's tempting to treat external forces as "a distraction" which has to be dealt with "as quickly as possible" in order to plunge back into "what really matters", but sometimes this only brings more crap.

Entropy tends to collect in every system over time, and one's life is one such system. So when entropy starts flooding in from every direction, this may be a sign that it really is time to put aside "what really matters" for as long as it takes, and instead focus on driving the entropy in one's life back down to manageble levels. Redirection of all avaliable brain power as a temporary investment into self.

"How you lived your life" is also a valid standard of measurement, not only "did you achieve X when and how you intended?".

In some situations health is not so much about "cure", as in "return to earlier better condition", but rather about "management" and "accepting the new situation and being smart about it". Same with other life crises.

Once a new balance has been found, with its restrictions and possibilities, and entropy has been tamed, for now, then "the thing that really matters" will again be a joyful thing. IMO.

***

Even today medical care tends too frequently to follow the old timey "nationalist-corporate" matrix in the sense that it is deemed to have achieved "success" if it has patched one up to the extent of "back to work you go". Can't have the assembly line slowing down because some peon feels off, and so on.

So beyond this "back to the front" patching up, frequently real rational self-management is the only way of achieving a true working balance. Research, research, research. Experiment, apply, throw out, retain. Each person at some point needs a personal self-management program assembled by oneself, as an alternative to the "sudden crashes and patching up" cycle. Good luck, OP!
 
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I don't have any advice...I'm just here to commiserate! I didn't go through anything medical, but I did just go through an extremely busy time in my life (basically one hour of free time a day for three months). Now I have my time back and I am looking at my current project like....meh. I was soooo excited about it before this busy period. Now I'm having a hard time remembering what I thought was so great about it. I'll be taking some of the advice in these threads. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I hope it's gotten better since the original post!
 
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