Parents: what would you do? Child with anxiety

blackcat777

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Because I have no hands-on experience with kids, I would appreciate the perspective, knowledge, and experience of parents here.

In my WIP, there is a child, aged ten, with extreme social anxiety (manifesting with selective mutism). He has to attend a big religious festival Because Tradition. He's attending with his parents and an older sibling. Family dynamic is healthy and supportive.

Parents, what would you do if you had to take an anxious child to a huge event with lots of people? Is there anything you would consider beforehand to prepare? How do you handle the situation effectively as a parent if your kid flips out?

I want to explore the child's attachment dynamics and I have a lot of peer reviewed data dealing with the child's sensory experience, and associated spectrum of behaviors. But I want to realistically fill in the blanks with a focus on the parents' challenges and concerns with integrating a child with an ultra-sensitive temperament into big events that are sometimes an unavoidable part of everyday life.

Thank you!
 
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AwP_writer

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What I think I would do in that situation (things like that are VERY case by case) is split up, the mother and I each take one of the kids, and participate in the festival as suited to each kid. So if I have the one with anxiety, we might hand out near the back where it's less crowded. Now and then we'd probably meet up and trade off. If he flips out you lead him away from the people, and then do whatever the situation calls for to calm him down.
 

neandermagnon

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If I'm answering as me, neandermagnon, I won't take my child if they're that anxious about being around so many other people. I'd arrange for them to stay with someone who's not going (someone the child knows well that I trust). I'd also take my kid to the GP and insist on a referral to a child psychologist/counsellor to help my kid overcome this. Child mental health problems often don't just magically go away and there's a risk they'll get much worse in adulthood.

If the anxiety's that bad that the child is "flipping out" the parents probably are badly in need of advice about how to help the child and are probably accidentally doing things that are making the child's anxiety worse, or the child isn't just suffering from anxiety, but also may have underlying sensory, communication or developmental issues - not all of these can be cured but a health professional can help in a huge number of ways, particularly with helping the child to communicate and helping the parents to understand the child's needs and things they can do to help.

If the child really wants to go to the event in spite of their anxiety and whatever other difficulties they have, then taking them but letting them take the lead regards what they're comfortable doing, where the're comfortable being, how much they can handle the crowds etc is an option, but make sure there's a way they can get away from the whole thing if it all gets too much. But if the child doesn't want to go then making them go and trying to work around their anxiety issues will likely make their anxiety much worse. If Tradition means that the parents would be Frowned Upon (or worse) for not taking their child, then that's fucked up (but of course fucked up things make good stories). Answering as myself (rather than parents in general - we're all different!) I still would be inclined to not take the child then field all the criticism from everyone else for not taking them. Screw tradition. But that's me. Not everyone reacts the same way to these kinds of thing.
 
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Rosanna Banana

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My youngest brother has dealt with extreme social anxiety his entire life (as an adult he was diagnosed with aspergers). As a child my parents would allow him to bring an item to big events that would keep him distracted- often a book or handheld videogame (can't remember what he had back then but it was a gameboy advance or something). He would often play and keep to himself. The other option was always him not coming. I don't think my parents could afford sitters when we were younger but as he got old enough he would start staying home. It would be pointless for him to go anywhere because he just couldn't cope, wouldn't talk to anyone and just shuts down. To this day (he's 26 years old and lives with my parents) he'll choose to stay home if he's feeling something is way out of his comfort zone ( for example, he'll come to my place if it's close family but if my husband and I have friends or my husbands family that he doesn't know over he'll usually not come- he's not being rude, he just can't cope).

As a parent I would likely not force my child to go to an event that caused extreme anxiety. If it were an absolute MUST then I'd make arrangements for him or her to only make a quick appearance and leave early possibly.
 

lianna williamson

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Ditto that I'd probably divide and conquer-- one parent with the older kid, the other with the anxious kid. I'd probably set up a non-verbal signal ahead of time ("Hold up two fingers if you can't take it any more and need a break.").
 

Lauram6123

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Parent with anxious kid here. If I absolutely had to take the child to the festival, I'd sit the kid down ahead of time and go over all the details of what he can expect. If the child had never been there before, I'd find some pictures of the festival, tell him about my experiences with the festival and then go through step by step what will happen. So much of anxiousness (with my kids, anyway) is about fear of the unknown.

If the child has to talk to people at the festival, we could rehearse possible things he could say. Maybe even do a little role playing. It would help to have the older sibling tell the anxious younger child what will happen at the festival and how the whole thing isn't that big of a deal.

I agree with the others and would also bring something along to distract the child. (A book, a toy, a game, etc)
 

Jan74

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Lauram6123 has the right idea by preparing the child beforehand.

Also they could do a trial run, go somewhere busy like a children's museum or something where the child will experience the crowds. Also if this is a diagnosed health issue then there are medications that do help with anxiety and tips for kids to learn how to cope. At 10 I'm assuming this child is in school and attends school functions? I would imagine he wouldn't be left out because of anxiety and the school would have a worker help him navigate school concerts/field trips etc.

I would also let my child use an ipod for music, tuning out the noise of the festival with his own music may be beneficial so he doesn't become overwhelmed. Also put a time limit of how long you expect to stay at the event. But I think its all about preparation and introducing the child to those experiences and praising. Maybe a reward of some sort for navigating it well, like he gets to choose where to have lunch? But no discipline if it doesn't go well, you can't discipline a child who is floundering because of a metal health issue.

I'm sure if you google childhood anxiety you find a trove of techniques to assist during an outing. It's great you are writing a story that is dealing with childhood mental health issues :)
 

WeaselFire

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Drugs dude, lots of drugs. :)

It all depends somewhat on the level of anxiety and whether the child is under medical care or what medical issues he might have. Have a close friend who had an autistic child (passed away some time ago now) who was extremely agitated in crowded places. They coped by bringing a familiar garment or toy for him to hide in or converse with. They also found that getting him interested in objects drew his attention from the crowd. He never became social but he had fewer issues as he grew older, so age may be a factor for some things.

Jeff
 

frimble3

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I'd encourage Jan74's 'time limit' idea. It's hard for a kid to hold it together for ages, with no apparent end is sight, especially if they're not having a good time. And, if the rule ends up being 'We going to stay here until X freaks out!', well, it's not exactly motivational, is it? Or at least not in a good way.
 

blackcat777

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Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful responses!

In my rough rough draft, I minimally touched on conflict between the parents about whether or not to go, and glossed over the child's anxiety at the festival, but now that I'm rewriting, I want to crack it all open and explore.

Having the parents brainstorm a plan before him going will pull double weight - it's perfect way to show what's up without TELLING all about it.

The idea to split up, have a signal, take toys, these are all ideas I can run with. I didn't put any thought toward getting him a diagnosis - setting is medieval fantasy - but this is something that would actually be really interesting to research, just to explore what burn-the-witch bad advice people used to give (and whether or not parents choose to take advice, conflict/doubt in the decision making process, etc., would all be juicy subjects). That and the DSM 5 isn't perfect, either. *coughcough* >.>

Child mental health problems often don't just magically go away and there's a risk they'll get much worse in adulthood.

I'm reverse-engineering a hot mess

If Tradition means that the parents would be Frowned Upon (or worse) for not taking their child, then that's fucked up (but of course fucked up things make good stories). Answering as myself (rather than parents in general - we're all different!) I still would be inclined to not take the child then field all the criticism from everyone else for not taking them. Screw tradition. But that's me. Not everyone reacts the same way to these kinds of thing.

There is a huge and worthwhile fight waiting to happen between the parents in all of this - this is making me think.

Dad has to attend due to lack of separation of church and state. There's something plot-advancing that happens at the festival between Dad and Villain, and I'm realizing now I might have a few ways to get from point A to B.
 

Catherine

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Not sure if Paregoric acid was around in your time setting, but that was used to calm children at one point.

My son has a developmental disability and we used to give him medicine (prescribed by Dr.) so he would be able to tolerate the dentist. For everyday anxiety we've used headphones, small toys, rubbing his back or shoulders, singing a song to him. All depends on the situation.
 

blackcat777

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So I looked up paregoric acid:

honey, licorice, flowers of Benjamin, and opium, camphor, oil of aniseed, salt of tartar and spirit of wine

That's pretty hardcore O_O And interesting. Dates back to early 1700s, but there are no ingredients that would really preclude it from being used earlier.