I need you to slay my plot

Dreamsage

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Hello everyone!
My story is for a comic of surreal art style. Classic adventure, with linear - and rather stereotypical - plot. What worries me is (a) is it too info-heavy? and (b) is it coherent, with a nice flow and a good overall structure? Crush me, I can take it :)

Setting: we are in a vast country, quite similar to ancient Egypt. Its princes are named after alphabet letters - depending on how worthy they are judged to be. The letters also show where they are in the line of succession.
EDIT: I've read some stuff about plot here, so I changed it.

Intro: The vacant throne
The king dies in battle. His younger brother, who idolized him, has to take his place. To prove worthy of succession he must pass through the underworld and reclaim the Mask of Kings from his brother.

Entrance
The prince cannot unlock the door of the first trial, because he doesn't feel worthy of becoming king. However, he manages to overcome his old scars and eventually beat his old self. Now his confidence is rocket-high! He always thought that only himself can ever stop him, so now he believes no one can!

Hell
He can now enter the underworld, which is widely inhibited by his country's ex-citizens. People approach him. He denies all help, as no one seems good enough to add to his newfound strength. He confirms this belief of his by inspiring the people he meets. However, he soon meets a hostile crowd on which words and titles have no effect. He is beaten and has to be rescued. He realizes that no one is god - also, that the power of the system in which he was raised isn't absolute. He vows to work towards becoming a better person - and a better fighter.
He still he has to finish the trial, though.

Heaven's door
A strange challenge appears: his trusted brother sends a message, ordering him to abandon the trial. The Prince always worshiped him. But, since he now knows no one is perfect, he eventually decides to deny the order - and the loving authority of his brother.

Alpha's Palace
We see a short scene where Alpha is informed about Beta's progress. We learn that the mask is alive, in complete control of him, and aims to kill Beta.

Heaven
The prince enters heaven. But he can only find his brother if he truly wishes it: this is how transportation works here! However, because of the first trial, he feels not the need to prove himself anymore. He must find new reasons for becoming king, so he wanders in heaven looking for meaning. His wishes bring him to his (now deceased) lover. She seduces him to stay with her, also offering a new life, free from the princes' naming system and its burdens. The ensuing conflict reminds the prince of how he wants to heal the war-torn upper world. He denies the absolute happiness of heaven and sets off to see his brother.

Final battle
The Prince finally finds his brother. The mask openly reveals that it controls his brother. It has snatched king after king throughout history by granting them wishes in exchange for their soul. However, it wants the Prince dead or gone, as he is too stubborn to control. It pressures the Prince to leave, first by trickery and then by threatening Alpha's well-being.
The prince realizes his brother would rather die than allow the mask to win. So, despite loving him, he fights his controlled body to death for the mask. It is a fight of wishes, as both mask and Prince use the garden's power to move around. In the end, the prince has to sacrifice his lover and himself in order to take the mask. His, now free, brother calls upon the underworld's gods for aid. They save the Prince. He now comes back to the upper world, with the mask, as the worthy new king.
The mask, however, still exists as a dormant threat.
 
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regdog

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It's an interesting premise. I think a lot is going to depend on how you tell it. If it is going to be largely narrative, it may be too much. If it is going to be dialogue with action etc, in a full length series then it should work.


Not to go off topic, but it also could make an interesting RPG quest video game.
 

Dreamsage

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It's an interesting premise. I think a lot is going to depend on how you tell it. If it is going to be largely narrative, it may be too much. If it is going to be dialogue with action etc, in a full length series then it should work.


Not to go off topic, but it also could make an interesting RPG quest video game.

True! Great suggestion, too. If it proves too simplistic for a comic, I can always throw it in the RPG arena. Drawing fights and coming up with RPG challenges are two things I can handle better than literature :tongue (Btw drop me a note when you upload any of your work, I'm interested in giving you feedback, too)

I'm uploading the first part of my comic (text only) in the next reply here. You don't have to read it, obviously, but I thought I should post it in case you are interested in seeing how I'm narrating my idea, too.
 
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Dreamsage

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INTRO
THE VACANT THRONE

[A scarab jewel lies on a bloodied battlefield. The battlefield is a desert and the abandoned weapons are ancient Egyptian]

---narration:
MY NAME IS BETA.
I’VE NEVER BEEN FIRST AT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE – UNTIL NOW.
KING ALPHA IS DEAD. KILLED IN BATTLE.

[Beta is holding the scarab jewel, looking at it]

---narration:
HE WAS MY BROTHER.

[Beta looking outside the palace window. He’s dressed with simple but expensive clothes, as an Egyptian prince. A noblewoman walks in]

woman: THE COUNCIL AWAITS YOUR DECISION.
beta: MOTHER.
woman: THERE’S NO AVOIDING IT.

[focus on them two]

woman: YOU’RE NOT AN ALPHA YET. HE MAY BE GONE, BUT THAT ALONE DOES NOT MAKE YOU CROWN-WORTHY.
Beta: PERHAPS… BUT THE TRADITION OF THE PYRAMID IS A BAD IDEA. MUST I GET KILLED FOR A PUBLIC SHOW? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE THRONE? TO YOU?
woman: DON’T WORRY… YOU HAVE SO MANY SIBLINGS. ONE OF THEM WILL SUCCEED.

[Beta looking outside the window again, thinking]
Woman: IT IS TOMORROW, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. SHOULD I TELL GAMMA TO GET READY?

Beta: ...

[New scene: candlelit room. Beta’s brothers sit around: 6 adults, 1 teen, 3 children. Everyone talks at the background, except from 3 adults who talk with Beta. ]

priest brother: READY FOR THE BIG SHOW?

Beta: HMF. EVERYONE OUT THERE IS PLACING GAMBLES ON WHETHER I’LL LIVE.

drunk brother: AT LEAST THE COMMONERS ONLY BET MONEY… SOME NOBLES OPENLY WISHED ME TO BE KING, TODAY.

Beta: YOU’LL PROBABLY BE. THIS IDIOCY HAS COST US THREE UNCLES.

priest brother: YES, BECAUSE THEY WERE OLD!

warrior brother: YOU JUST JUMP OVER A TRAP OR TWO. GET THE MASK FROM ALPHA’S SARCOPHAGE. AND RUN OUT BEFORE DAWN. PIECE OF CAKE FOR YOU!

Beta: IT’S NOT LIKE THIS. ALPHA SAID THAT YOU TRULY PASS THROUGH THE UNDERWORLD.

drunk: BETA! THAT’S- (he stops, looking towards the kids nearby. Then starts whispering)
THAT’S A TALE FOR THE PEOPLE! I’D ALSO WANT HIM TO BE IN THE ETERNAL GARDEN, ALIVE AND HAPPY, BUT –

warrior: GAMMA, STOP IT.

drunk: HE HAS HIS HEAD IN THE CLOUDS. HE'LL GET KILLED LIKE THIS. (he tries to let his glass on the table, but it falls and crashes)

[A little girl tugs beta’s clothes]
girl: I’ M COMING TOO!

[Beta kneels]

Beta: SORRY, LITTLE KAY. IT’S TOO DANGEROUS.

girl: IT’S NO FAIR. I MISS BIG BROTHER.

Beta: ALREADY? OK, I’LL GIVE HIM A HUG FROM YOU.

[The girl presents a strange rose]
girl: GIVE HIM THIS. I MADE IT.

Beta: IT’S BEAUTIFUL! OKAY THEN. IT IS A PROMISE.

priest brother (whispering): YOU BETTER COME BACK. IF YOU MAKE KAY CRY, I’LL COME DOWN NEXT AND SLAY YOUR SOUL.

[Mother enters the room]

mother: IT IS TIME, MY SON.

[All the brothers in the room gather for a big group hug, Beta in the middle]

[Scene: night. An endless crowd follows Beta to the pyramid.]
[Scene: pyramid entrance: four old priests stand at the sides]

priest1: RECLAIM THE MASK OF KINGS.
priest2: RECLAIM IT FROM OUR LAST KING.
priest3: YOU HAVE TILL DAWN – LEST YOU BE TRAPPED WITH THE DEAD.
priest4: BEHOLD! THE SYMBOL-KEY OF THE UNDERWORLD.
Beta (thinking): HOW POMPOUS!

[Beta rises the ankh-shaped key in front of the door]
Beta (thinking): STUPID CEREMONY.

[The door spits a black mist, which embraces Beta and sucks him into the darkness of the pyramid]

CHAPTER 1
TRIAL OF MEMORIES

[Absolute darkness, zero visual images]
---narration:
PTOOEY! I SWALLOWED SAND.
WHERE AM I? SMELLS MUSTY. AND SILENCE IS HEAVY.
THE GROUND FEELS LIKE SAND.
A WALL.
STAIRS!
I’M GOING DOWN.

[Light appears. Beta enters a chamber: its ceiling lost in darkness, its middle has a beautiful pool, columns filling the rest of the endless space. A door is seen at the wall behind the pool]

Beta (thinking): AH, STILL IN THE PYRAMID.... GAMMA WAS RIGHT. TALE FOR THE PEOPLE.

[Beta approaches and examines the door]
Beta (thinking): LOCKED. WHERE’S THE KEY?

[A shadow falls on him. A gigantic clone of Beta appears right behind him. He is holding a staff, with the key attached at its top]
Beta (thinking): Ah…BATTLE WITH MYSELF. HOW VERY ORIGINAL.

[The giant suddenly turns around, only to go and sit at the edge of the pool]
giant: COME. SIT, SIT.
Beta: EXCUSE ME?
giant: LET’S TALK. TO GIVE YOU THE KEY, I MUST BELIEVE YOU’RE WORTH IT.
Beta: I WON’T WASTE TIME ON CHIT-CHAT. DRAW YOUR SWORD. WE WILL FIGHT.
giant: YOU WOUND ME ALREADY! TALKING WITH YOURSELF, A WASTE OF TIME? NO… YOU SIMPLY FEAR THAT YOU AREN’T WORTHY. THAT YOU’LL LOSE ALL DOUBT ABOUT IT IF WE TALK. YOU HAVE NO GUTS BEYOND THAT SWORD.
Beta: I FEAR NOTHING.

[The giant stands up]
giant: LET’S PLAY, THEN: IF YOU REACH THE KEY, IT’S YOURS.
Beta: VERY WELL.
giant: PLUS ONE RULE. TO FIND IT, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME. AND FACE ANYTHING YOU’LL SEE.

[The giant melts and disappears in the water with a splash. Now he’s seen as Beta’s reflection, only he still holds the key ]
Beta: WAIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[As Beta looks at his reflection, reality melts around]
Beta: !!!

[A battlefield appears. A young rider at the top of a hill is surrounded by enemies. Many spears have already gone through him and his horse. Beta is stranded outside the crowd of enemies. He can only watch]
---narration:
MY BROTHER GETS KILLED IN FRONT OFF ME. I DID NOTHING. AND I’LL TAKE HIS PLACE?

[Beta has fallen in the water. He comes out dripping wet]
Beta: COUGH… COUGH…
giant: YOU LOST. TURN BACK.
Beta: NO! AGAIN!
Beta (thinking): IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SAVE HIM.

[Beta is collapsed on the floor, a glass of poisoned wine rolling at his side. At the wall, shadows of people whispering secrets or harming others]
---narration:
THE PALACE IS FILLED WITH CONSPIRATORS. TREASONS AND POISON, I SURVIVE. BUT I LOSE ALL FAITH IN PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I RULE THEM?

Beta (thinking): NOT EVERYONE IS A TWO-FACED TRAITOR. THE INNOCENTS ARE A LOT MORE.

[A much younger beta sits on a desk, writing something under the light of candles. A bunch of adults stand over him, staring]
---narration:
I AM A CHILD AGAIN, STRIVING TO BE PERFECT. I BARELY BECOME A “BETA”. EVERYONE FOCUSES ON MY MISTAKES, WHILE PRAISING ALPHA.

Beta (thinking): I’M NOT A KID ANYMORE. I’M PROUD TO BE CALLED BETA.

[Beta’s vision clears. He jumps through his reflection and emerges with the key]

Beta: I WON! THE CHALLENGE IS OVER.

[the giant turns back to his original form, but emits light]
giant: OVER? THIS WAS ONLY THE ENTRANCE.

[the light giant turns into a wisp and disappears]
giant’s voice: GOOD LUCK!

[The prince raises the key to the gate, which opens. He steps into a place with no floor or ceiling and starts flying towards the door at the other side]
Beta (thinking): LUCK? I NEED NO LUCK! I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE KINGDOM. AND I JUST DEFEATED MYSELF. NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!

[Beta steps out to a vast landscape, a whole new world. In front of him lay the vast planes of hell. Near the horizon there’s a huge wall, behind which one can see the green and blue landscapes of heaven]
Beta: I THINK I AREN’T IN THE PYRAMID ANYMORE…
 

regdog

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I'm going to approach this just as if I were reading it as an illustrated comic.


INTRO
THE VACANT THRONE

[A scarab jewel lies on a bloodied battlefield. The battlefield is a desert and the abandoned weapons are ancient Egyptian]

---narration:
MY NAME IS BETA.
I’VE NEVER BEEN FIRST AT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE – UNTIL NOW.
KING ALPHA IS DEAD. KILLED IN BATTLE.

[Beta is holding the scarab jewel, looking at it]

---narration:
HE WAS MY BROTHER.

[Beta looking outside the palace window. He’s dressed with simple but expensive clothes, as an Egyptian prince. A noblewoman walks in]

woman: THE COUNCIL AWAITS YOUR DECISION.
beta: MOTHER.
woman: THERE’S NO AVOIDING IT.

[focus on them two]

woman: YOU’RE NOT AN ALPHA YET. HE MAY BE GONE, BUT THAT ALONE DOES NOT MAKE YOU CROWN-WORTHY.
Beta: PERHAPS… BUT THE TRADITION OF THE PYRAMID IS A BAD IDEA. MUST I GET KILLED FOR A PUBLIC SHOW? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE THRONE? TO YOU?
woman: DON’T WORRY… YOU HAVE SO MANY SIBLINGS. ONE OF THEM WILL SUCCEED. For Beta's mother to say this seems rather callous. It needs to be a little clearer. She sounds as though if Beta is killed she doesn't care and is like "Oh well, next son in line, step up, your turn." If she is telling Beta he doesn't have to compete it needs to be clearer.

[Beta looking outside the window again, thinking]
Woman: IT IS TOMORROW, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. SHOULD I TELL GAMMA TO GET READY?

Beta: ...

[New scene: candlelit room. Beta’s brothers sit around: 6 adults, 1 teen, 3 children. Everyone talks at the background, except from 3 adults who talk with Beta. ]

priest brother: READY FOR THE BIG SHOW?

Beta: HMF. EVERYONE OUT THERE IS PLACING GAMBLES ON WHETHER I’LL LIVE Placing Gambles sounds awkward

drunk brother: AT LEAST THE COMMONERS ONLY BET MONEY… SOME NOBLES OPENLY WISHED ME TO BE KING, TODAY.

Beta: YOU’LL PROBABLY BE. THIS IDIOCY HAS COST US THREE UNCLES.

priest brother: YES, BECAUSE THEY WERE OLD!

warrior brother: YOU JUST JUMP OVER A TRAP OR TWO. GET THE MASK FROM ALPHA’S SARCOPHAGE. AND RUN OUT BEFORE DAWN. PIECE OF CAKE FOR YOU!

Beta: IT’S NOT LIKE THIS. ALPHA SAID THAT YOU TRULY PASS THROUGH THE UNDERWORLD.

drunk: BETA! THAT’S- (he stops, looking towards the kids nearby. Then starts whispering)
THAT’S A TALE FOR THE PEOPLE! I’D ALSO WANT HIM TO BE IN THE ETERNAL GARDEN, ALIVE AND HAPPY, BUT –

warrior: GAMMA, STOP IT.

drunk: HE HAS HIS HEAD IN THE CLOUDS. HE'LL GET KILLED LIKE THIS. (he tries to let his glass on the table, but it falls and crashes)

[A little girl tugs beta’s clothes]
girl: I’ M COMING TOO!

[Beta kneels]

Beta: SORRY, LITTLE KAY. IT’S TOO DANGEROUS.

girl: IT’S NO FAIR. I MISS BIG BROTHER.

Beta: ALREADY? OK, I’LL GIVE HIM A HUG FROM YOU.

[The girl presents a strange rose]
girl: GIVE HIM THIS. I MADE IT.

Beta: IT’S BEAUTIFUL! OKAY THEN. IT IS A PROMISE.

priest brother (whispering): YOU BETTER COME BACK. IF YOU MAKE KAY CRY, I’LL COME DOWN NEXT AND SLAY YOUR SOUL.

[Mother enters the room]

mother: IT IS TIME, MY SON.

[All the brothers in the room gather for a big group hug, Beta in the middle]

[Scene: night. An endless crowd follows Beta to the pyramid.]
[Scene: pyramid entrance: four old priests stand at the sides]

priest1: RECLAIM THE MASK OF KINGS.
priest2: RECLAIM IT FROM OUR LAST KING.
priest3: YOU HAVE TILL DAWN – LEST YOU BE TRAPPED WITH THE DEAD.
priest4: BEHOLD! THE SYMBOL-KEY OF THE UNDERWORLD.
Beta (thinking): HOW POMPOUS!

[Beta rises the ankh-shaped key in front of the door]
Beta (thinking): STUPID CEREMONY.

[The door spits a black mist, which embraces Beta and sucks him into the darkness of the pyramid]

CHAPTER 1
TRIAL OF MEMORIES

[Absolute darkness, zero visual images]
---narration:
PTOOEY! I SWALLOWED SAND.
WHERE AM I? SMELLS MUSTY. AND SILENCE IS HEAVY.
THE GROUND FEELS LIKE SAND.
A WALL.
STAIRS!
I’M GOING DOWN. This whole narrative seems unnecessary and could be explained with illustrations,

[Light appears. Beta enters a chamber: its ceiling lost in darkness, its middle has a beautiful pool, columns filling the rest of the endless space. A door is seen at the wall behind the pool]

Beta (thinking): AH, STILL IN THE PYRAMID.... GAMMA WAS RIGHT. TALE FOR THE PEOPLE.

[Beta approaches and examines the door]
Beta (thinking): LOCKED. WHERE’S THE KEY?

[A shadow falls on him. A gigantic clone of Beta appears right behind him. He is holding a staff, with the key attached at its top]
Beta (thinking): Ah…BATTLE WITH MYSELF. HOW VERY ORIGINAL.

[The giant suddenly turns around, only to go and sit at the edge of the pool]
giant: COME. SIT, SIT.
Beta: EXCUSE ME?
giant: LET’S TALK. TO GIVE YOU THE KEY, I MUST BELIEVE YOU’RE WORTH IT.
Beta: I WON’T WASTE TIME ON CHIT-CHAT. DRAW YOUR SWORD. WE WILL FIGHT.
giant: YOU WOUND ME ALREADY! TALKING WITH YOURSELF, A WASTE OF TIME? NO… YOU SIMPLY FEAR THAT YOU AREN’T WORTHY. THAT YOU’LL LOSE ALL DOUBT ABOUT IT IF WE TALK. YOU HAVE NO GUTS BEYOND THAT SWORD.
Beta: I FEAR NOTHING.

[The giant stands up]
giant: LET’S PLAY, THEN: IF YOU REACH THE KEY, IT’S YOURS.
Beta: VERY WELL.
giant: PLUS ONE RULE. TO FIND IT, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME. AND FACE ANYTHING YOU’LL SEE.

[The giant melts and disappears in the water with a splash. Now he’s seen as Beta’s reflection, only he still holds the key ]
Beta: WAIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[As Beta looks at his reflection, reality melts around]
Beta: !!!

[A battlefield appears. A young rider at the top of a hill is surrounded by enemies. Many spears have already gone through him and his horse. Beta is stranded outside the crowd of enemies. He can only watch]
---narration:
MY BROTHER GETS KILLED IN FRONT OFF ME. I DID NOTHING. AND I’LL TAKE HIS PLACE?

[Beta has fallen in the water. He comes out dripping wet]
Beta: COUGH… COUGH…
giant: YOU LOST. TURN BACK.
Beta: NO! AGAIN!
Beta (thinking): IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SAVE HIM.

[Beta is collapsed on the floor, a glass of poisoned wine rolling at his side. At the wall, shadows of people whispering secrets or harming others]
---narration:
THE PALACE IS FILLED WITH CONSPIRATORS. TREASONS AND POISON, I SURVIVE. BUT I LOSE ALL FAITH IN PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I RULE THEM?

Beta (thinking): NOT EVERYONE IS A TWO-FACED TRAITOR. THE INNOCENTS ARE A LOT MORE.

[A much younger beta sits on a desk, writing something under the light of candles. A bunch of adults stand over him, staring]
---narration:
I AM A CHILD AGAIN, STRIVING TO BE PERFECT. I BARELY BECOME A “BETA”. EVERYONE FOCUSES ON MY MISTAKES, WHILE PRAISING ALPHA.

Beta (thinking): I’M NOT A KID ANYMORE. I’M PROUD TO BE CALLED BETA.

[Beta’s vision clears. He jumps through his reflection and emerges with the key]

Beta: I WON! THE CHALLENGE IS OVER.

[the giant turns back to his original form, but emits light]
giant: OVER? THIS WAS ONLY THE ENTRANCE.

[the light giant turns into a wisp and disappears]
giant’s voice: GOOD LUCK!

[The prince raises the key to the gate, which opens. He steps into a place with no floor or ceiling and starts flying towards the door at the other side]
Beta (thinking): LUCK? I NEED NO LUCK! I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE KINGDOM. AND I JUST DEFEATED MYSELF. NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW! For someone who doubts himself, he's suddenly very cocky and arrogant.

[Beta steps out to a vast landscape, a whole new world. In front of him lay the vast planes of hell. Near the horizon there’s a huge wall, behind which one can see the green and blue landscapes of heaven]
Beta: I THINK I AREN’T IN THE PYRAMID ANYMORE… I aren't in doesn't sounds right at all
 

Dreamsage

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Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to read everything! :hooray:

I see I have a long way to go in character psychology.

His mother is supposed to tell him he can drop his succession rights, but she also knows he has the best chance to survive this among all his siblings (also her children) and how he is the best chance of everyone staying alive. And she's also thinking of how the royal family leads a dangerous life, surrounded by enemies and traitors, thus can afford neither to show weakness by ignoring the respected trial, nor be seen as cowards at a time the country is at war.
I tried for the shortest dialogue possible, as my teachers said it has too much text, but it looks like some parts can't be cut... It's easy to do too much exposition too. Guess I must find the balance.

"Placing gambles" sounds awkward as a thing to do, or in matters of phrasing?

About the part he sounds arrogant - good point! He believes that only his personal shortcomings can stop him, so what I went for was this: to inject him the belief he can overcome anything stopping him from inside. Which, in turn, would make him to not hold himself down at all, becoming suddenly over-confident. But he also says, "it's ok to be Beta", so he cannot feel all that perfect, he is just losing the belief he isn't worthy. Thank you for pointing out! :Hug2:
 

regdog

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You're welcome, happy to help. I enjoy comics.

With the mother, I say longer dialogue would be better, but if you want to keep it brief, maybe break it down into several panels, one discussing he doesn't have to take his succession rights, and in another reminding him, he is the best choice.

Placing gambles sounds like awkward phrasing. Placing bets, or something akin to "The people are gambling on whether or not I die."
 

leifwright

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I generally don't have a lot of time to do in-depth critiques, but my wife is having her eyelashes and other blah blah blah beauty stuff done, so let's see how far we get.

INTRO
THE VACANT THRONE

[A scarab jewel lies on a bloodied battlefield. The battlefield is a desert and the abandoned weapons are ancient Egyptian]

I assume the artist will draw this in a way that obviously communicates "scarab jewel" and "ancient egyptian" weapons. Are there bodies? If not, why would blood still be there, but no bodies?

---narration:
MY NAME IS BETA.
I’VE NEVER BEEN FIRST AT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE – UNTIL NOW.
KING ALPHA IS DEAD. KILLED IN BATTLE. Not necessary; the battlefield carnage should show that. If not, maybe show the king's body with a spear through it or something underneath the narration.

[Beta is holding the scarab jewel, looking at it]

---narration:
HE WAS MY BROTHER.

[Beta looking outside the palace window. He’s dressed with simple but expensive clothes, as an Egyptian prince. A noblewoman walks in]

woman: THE COUNCIL AWAITS YOUR DECISION.
beta: MOTHER.
woman: THERE’S NO AVOIDING IT.

[focus on them two]

woman: YOU’RE NOT AN ALPHA YET. HE MAY BE GONE, BUT THAT ALONE DOES NOT MAKE YOU CROWN-WORTHY.
Beta: PERHAPS… BUT THE TRADITION OF THE PYRAMID IS A BAD IDEA. MUST I GET KILLED FOR A PUBLIC SHOW? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE THRONE? TO YOU?
woman: DON’T WORRY… YOU HAVE SO MANY SIBLINGS. ONE OF THEM WILL SUCCEED.

At this point it strikes me that you should be doing something to differentiate this from actual Egypt. It's fine to make it Egypt-like, but something so far removed conceptually from real history should also be visually differentiated.

[Beta looking outside the window again, thinking]
Woman: IT IS TOMORROW, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. SHOULD I TELL GAMMA TO GET READY?

Beta: ... Is this a thought bubble? Or are you expecting the artist to show him thinking?

[New scene: candlelit room. Beta’s brothers sit around: 6 adults, 1 teen, 3 children. Everyone talks at the background, except from 3 adults who talk with Beta. ]

After reading a bit, this next bit feels abrupt. The struggle to decide whether to go through this trial could be interesting to observe, yet we go from him not answering whether he'll do it to him at a party celebrating him doing it.

priest brother: READY FOR THE BIG SHOW?

Beta: HMF. EVERYONE OUT THERE IS PLACING GAMBLES ON WHETHER I’LL LIVE.

drunk brother: AT LEAST THE COMMONERS ONLY BET MONEY… SOME NOBLES OPENLY WISHED ME TO BE KING, TODAY.

Beta: YOU’LL PROBABLY BE. THIS IDIOCY HAS COST US THREE UNCLES.

priest brother: YES, BECAUSE THEY WERE OLD!

warrior brother: YOU JUST JUMP OVER A TRAP OR TWO. GET THE MASK FROM ALPHA’S SARCOPHAGE. AND RUN OUT BEFORE DAWN. PIECE OF CAKE FOR YOU!

Beta: IT’S NOT LIKE THIS. ALPHA SAID THAT YOU TRULY PASS THROUGH THE UNDERWORLD.

drunk: BETA! THAT’S- (he stops, looking towards the kids nearby. Then starts whispering)
THAT’S A TALE FOR THE PEOPLE! I’D ALSO WANT HIM TO BE IN THE ETERNAL GARDEN, ALIVE AND HAPPY, BUT –

warrior: GAMMA, STOP IT.

drunk: HE HAS HIS HEAD IN THE CLOUDS. HE'LL GET KILLED LIKE THIS. (he tries to let his glass on the table, but it falls and crashes)

[A little girl tugs beta’s clothes]
girl: I’ M COMING TOO!

[Beta kneels]

Beta: SORRY, LITTLE KAY. IT’S TOO DANGEROUS.

girl: IT’S NO FAIR. I MISS BIG BROTHER.

Beta: ALREADY? OK, I’LL GIVE HIM A HUG FROM YOU.

[The girl presents a strange rose]
girl: GIVE HIM THIS. I MADE IT.

Beta: IT’S BEAUTIFUL! OKAY THEN. IT IS A PROMISE.

priest brother (whispering): YOU BETTER COME BACK. IF YOU MAKE KAY CRY, I’LL COME DOWN NEXT AND SLAY YOUR SOUL.

[Mother enters the room]

mother: IT IS TIME, MY SON.

[All the brothers in the room gather for a big group hug, Beta in the middle]

[Scene: night. An endless crowd follows Beta to the pyramid.]
[Scene: pyramid entrance: four old priests stand at the sides]

priest1: RECLAIM THE MASK OF KINGS.
priest2: RECLAIM IT FROM OUR LAST KING.
priest3: YOU HAVE TILL DAWN – LEST YOU BE TRAPPED WITH THE DEAD.
priest4: BEHOLD! THE SYMBOL-KEY OF THE UNDERWORLD.
Beta (thinking): HOW POMPOUS! I'd be careful of making him too flippant at this point. Especially since in the previous scene he seems to believe Alpha's stories of really going through the underworld. For him to be sarcastic about it at this point seems out of character based on what you've already established.

[Beta rises the ankh-shaped key in front of the door]
Beta (thinking): STUPID CEREMONY. See note above. Remember that skepticism was someone else's in the previous scene. Maybe have them thinking this.

[The door spits a black mist, which embraces Beta and sucks him into the darkness of the pyramid]

CHAPTER 1
TRIAL OF MEMORIES

[Absolute darkness, zero visual images]
---narration:
PTOOEY! I SWALLOWED SAND.
WHERE AM I? SMELLS MUSTY. AND SILENCE IS HEAVY.
THE GROUND FEELS LIKE SAND.
A WALL.
STAIRS!
I’M GOING DOWN.

[Light appears. Beta enters a chamber: its ceiling lost in darkness, its middle has a beautiful pool, columns filling the rest of the endless space. A door is seen at the wall behind the pool]

Beta (thinking): AH, STILL IN THE PYRAMID.... ?MAYBE? GAMMA WAS RIGHT. TALE FOR THE PEOPLE.

[Beta approaches and examines the door]
Beta (thinking): LOCKED. WHERE’S THE KEY?

[A shadow falls on him. A gigantic clone of Beta appears right behind him. He is holding a staff, with the key attached at its top]
Beta (thinking): Ah…BATTLE WITH MYSELF. HOW VERY ORIGINAL.

[The giant suddenly turns around, only to go and sit at the edge of the pool]
giant: COME. SIT, SIT.
Beta: EXCUSE ME?
giant: LET’S TALK. TO GIVE YOU THE KEY, I MUST BELIEVE YOU’RE WORTH IT.
Beta: I WON’T WASTE TIME ON CHIT-CHAT. DRAW YOUR SWORD. WE WILL FIGHT.
giant: YOU WOUND ME ALREADY! TALKING WITH YOURSELF, A WASTE OF TIME? NO… YOU SIMPLY FEAR THAT YOU AREN’T WORTHY. THAT YOU’LL LOSE ALL DOUBT ABOUT IT IF WE TALK. YOU HAVE NO GUTS BEYOND THAT SWORD.
Beta: I FEAR NOTHING.

[The giant stands up]
giant: LET’S PLAY, THEN: IF YOU REACH THE KEY, IT’S YOURS.
Beta: VERY WELL.
giant: PLUS ONE RULE. TO FIND IT, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME. AND FACE ANYTHING YOU’LL SEE.

[The giant melts and disappears in the water with a splash. Now he’s seen as Beta’s reflection, only he still holds the key ]
Beta: WAIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[As Beta looks at his reflection, reality melts around]
Beta: !!!

[A battlefield appears. A young rider at the top of a hill is surrounded by enemies. Many spears have already gone through him and his horse. Beta is stranded outside the crowd of enemies. He can only watch]
---narration:
MY BROTHER GETS KILLED IN FRONT OFF ME. I DID NOTHING. AND I’LL TAKE HIS PLACE?

[Beta has fallen in the water. He comes out dripping wet]
Beta: COUGH… COUGH…
giant: YOU LOST. TURN BACK.
Beta: NO! AGAIN!
Beta (thinking): IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SAVE HIM.

[Beta is collapsed on the floor, a glass of poisoned wine rolling at his side. At the wall, shadows of people whispering secrets or harming others]
---narration:
THE PALACE (wasn't the ruling area before something egyptian?) IS FILLED WITH CONSPIRATORS. TREASONS AND POISON, I SURVIVE. BUT I LOSE ALL FAITH IN PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I RULE THEM?

Beta (thinking): NOT EVERYONE IS A TWO-FACED TRAITOR. THE INNOCENTS ARE A LOT MORE.

[A much younger beta sits on a desk, writing something under the light of candles. A bunch of adults stand over him, staring]
---narration:
I AM A CHILD AGAIN, STRIVING TO BE PERFECT. I BARELY BECOME A “BETA”. EVERYONE FOCUSES ON MY MISTAKES, WHILE PRAISING ALPHA.

Beta (thinking): I’M NOT A KID ANYMORE. I’M PROUD TO BE CALLED BETA.

[Beta’s vision clears. He jumps through his reflection and emerges with the key]

Beta: I WON! THE CHALLENGE IS OVER.

[the giant turns back to his original form, but emits light]
giant: OVER? THIS WAS ONLY THE ENTRANCE.

[the light giant turns into a wisp and disappears]
giant’s voice: GOOD LUCK!

[The prince raises the key to the gate, which opens. He steps into a place with no floor or ceiling and starts flying towards the door at the other side]
Beta (thinking): LUCK? I NEED NO LUCK! I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE KINGDOM. AND I JUST DEFEATED MYSELF. NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!

[Beta steps out to a vast landscape, a whole new world. In front of him lay the vast planes of hell. Near the horizon there’s a huge wall, behind which one can see the green and blue landscapes of heaven]
Beta: I THINK I AREN’T AM NOT IN THE PYRAMID ANYMORE…

Overall, this feels very rushed and one-dimensional. There are a lot of themes that could be explored but aren't, including the "battle with himself." More importantly, in the entire bit you have here, Beta never faces any real jeopardy. There is no actual chance of him losing and turning back. The story started with him feeling like the chosen one and never has the reader been given a chance to doubt that. Comics are great reading because they're smart and layered. Give Beta a chance to make the reader doubt him as much as the elders who designated him as a Beta instead of an Alpha. He has to stumble, make mistakes, screw things up royally. If not, why in the world wasn't he an alpha to begin with?
 

Dreamsage

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Many thanks for taking the time to read and critique what I've written! :hooray:
I'm still new at this and you have given me a lot food for thought. :Hug2:

The setting has taken the clothing and basic architecture from ancient Egypt, but it'll be a surreal, fantasy landscape with apparent presence of magic. I will play around a bit with cultural decorations to make it look more alien and strange - I hope all of the above make it different enough. You were right to mention it, as I had written nothing about it.

I avoided exploring under the surface too much due to fear of exposition, therefore ignoring the decision-making part... but it was a mistake, after all. I should find out how to do it the right way instead of avoiding it. I'm now trying to solve it by having him to talk with the brother who would take his place and weave the progress through dialogue.

I were thinking of Beta as someone who is skeptic - with the exception of what Alpha says, as he is someone he has blind faith in. Plus, Alpha has already passed through the trial so he knows the truth - he has never lied to Beta before either (or so Beta thinks). In any case, if it becomes confusing for the reader I should work on it.

I see what you mean about the "battle with himself"... he's on a time limit, so I initially thought of showing how that place makes him lose all sense of time, thus scaring him to go back before the chance to quit disappears. I'll try to find something better than trickery, though. Perhaps I'll just give him no chance of quitting mid-way, as it would make the decision scene more serious. Abandoning the test would mean losing his title, power, popularity e.t.c. but I don't feel I have the panel space to sufficiently show all about it (or the writing ability to make it sufficiently short).

I were hoping I had managed to make it feel less rushed (yes, it was even worse initially :tongue ) so this makes me even more grateful for your help :)

You two have already made me think a lot. I need to work on pretty much everything - and I will.
I'll do my best to not torture you with bad fiction ever again :tongue
 
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regdog

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If this is going to be a series, take your time to build the scenes. Transformers More Than Meets The Eye ran for 4 years, it's sequel, Lost Light is entering it's second year. Other series have had very long runs as well.


One thing I run into telling a story, is telling the whole story. I know the characters, plot etc, I have to remember, readers don't know, we have to build the world for them and not tell the abridged story.
 

Dreamsage

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I don't think I can carry a series yet - aiming for one good, complete story is ambitious enough at this stage.
But you do have a point about the world-building part. It's easy to throw in some hasty info in order to move on to action. I'm currently re-writing the intro, and have made this mistake again already - the line between "concentrated" and "hasty" info can be thin.
Hopefully I'll have something nice to upload in a few days :)
 
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Dreamsage

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I uploaded a very changed intro here.
Hopefully I've managed to take into account all of your suggestions.
 

neandermagnon

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INTRO
THE VACANT THRONE

[A scarab jewel lies on a bloodied battlefield. The battlefield is a desert and the abandoned weapons are ancient Egyptian]

---narration:
MY NAME IS BETA.
I’VE NEVER BEEN FIRST AT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE – UNTIL NOW.
KING ALPHA IS DEAD. KILLED IN BATTLE. I agree with Lief's suggestion that you don't need to say "killed in battle" you can show it with a picture of him dead.

[Beta is holding the scarab jewel, looking at it]

---narration:
HE WAS MY BROTHER.

[Beta looking outside the palace window. He’s dressed with simple but expensive clothes, as an Egyptian prince. A noblewoman walks in]

woman: THE COUNCIL AWAITS YOUR DECISION.
beta: MOTHER.
woman: THERE’S NO AVOIDING IT.

[focus on them two]

woman: YOU’RE NOT AN ALPHA YET. HE MAY BE GONE, BUT THAT ALONE DOES NOT MAKE YOU CROWN-WORTHY.
Beta: PERHAPS… BUT THE TRADITION OF THE PYRAMID IS A BAD IDEA. MUST I GET KILLED FOR A PUBLIC SHOW? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE THRONE? TO YOU?
woman: DON’T WORRY… YOU HAVE SO MANY SIBLINGS. ONE OF THEM WILL SUCCEED.

I hope the reason for the mother being so cold towards her sons becomes apparent through the story.

[Beta looking outside the window again, thinking]
Woman: IT IS TOMORROW, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. SHOULD I TELL GAMMA TO GET READY?

Beta: ...

[New scene: candlelit room. Beta’s brothers sit around: 6 adults, 1 teen, 3 children. Everyone talks at the background, except from 3 adults who talk with Beta. ]

priest brother: READY FOR THE BIG SHOW?

Beta: HMF. EVERYONE OUT THERE IS PLACING GAMBLES ON WHETHER I’LL LIVE. Maybe a dialect thing, but "gambling on" or "placing bets on" feels more natural here.

drunk brother: AT LEAST THE COMMONERS ONLY BET MONEY… SOME NOBLES OPENLY WISHED ME TO BE KING, TODAY.

Beta: YOU’LL PROBABLY BE. THIS IDIOCY HAS COST US THREE UNCLES.

priest brother: YES, BECAUSE THEY WERE OLD!

warrior brother: YOU JUST JUMP OVER A TRAP OR TWO. GET THE MASK FROM ALPHA’S SARCOPHAGE. AND RUN OUT BEFORE DAWN. PIECE OF CAKE FOR YOU!

Beta: IT’S NOT LIKE THIS. ALPHA SAID THAT YOU TRULY PASS THROUGH THE UNDERWORLD.

drunk: BETA! THAT’S- (he stops, looking towards the kids nearby. Then starts whispering)
THAT’S A TALE FOR THE PEOPLE! I’D ALSO WANT HIM TO BE IN THE ETERNAL GARDEN, ALIVE AND HAPPY, BUT –

warrior: GAMMA, STOP IT.

drunk: HE HAS HIS HEAD IN THE CLOUDS. HE'LL GET KILLED LIKE THIS. (he tries to let his glass on the table, but it falls and crashes)

[A little girl tugs beta’s clothes]
girl: I’ M COMING TOO!

[Beta kneels]

Beta: SORRY, LITTLE KAY. IT’S TOO DANGEROUS

Does he need to call her "little kay"? The picture will show her age.

girl: IT’S NO FAIR. I MISS BIG BROTHER.

Why would she address him as "big brother"? It doesn't feel natural. Is it going to be explained why they aren't all grieving? Even in societies where there's a very strong belief of the afterlife, people still grieve. It will be a very long time before they see that person again in the next world.


Beta: ALREADY? OK, I’LL GIVE HIM A HUG FROM YOU.

[The girl presents a strange rose]
girl: GIVE HIM THIS. I MADE IT.

Beta: IT’S BEAUTIFUL! OKAY THEN. IT IS A PROMISE.

priest brother (whispering): YOU BETTER COME BACK. IF YOU MAKE KAY CRY, I’LL COME DOWN NEXT AND SLAY YOUR SOUL.

[Mother enters the room]

mother: IT IS TIME, MY SON.

[All the brothers in the room gather for a big group hug, Beta in the middle]

[Scene: night. An endless crowd follows Beta to the pyramid.]
[Scene: pyramid entrance: four old priests stand at the sides]

priest1: RECLAIM THE MASK OF KINGS.
priest2: RECLAIM IT FROM OUR LAST KING.
priest3: YOU HAVE TILL DAWN – LEST YOU BE TRAPPED WITH THE DEAD.
priest4: BEHOLD! THE SYMBOL-KEY OF THE UNDERWORLD.
Beta (thinking): HOW POMPOUS!

[Beta rises the ankh-shaped key in front of the door]
Beta (thinking): STUPID CEREMONY.

[The door spits a black mist, which embraces Beta and sucks him into the darkness of the pyramid]

CHAPTER 1
TRIAL OF MEMORIES

[Absolute darkness, zero visual images]
---narration:
PTOOEY! I SWALLOWED SAND.
WHERE AM I? SMELLS MUSTY. AND SILENCE IS HEAVY.
THE GROUND FEELS LIKE SAND.
A WALL.
STAIRS!
I’M GOING DOWN.

[Light appears. Beta enters a chamber: its ceiling lost in darkness, its middle has a beautiful pool, columns filling the rest of the endless space. A door is seen at the wall behind the pool]

Beta (thinking): AH, STILL IN THE PYRAMID.... GAMMA WAS RIGHT. TALE FOR THE PEOPLE.

[Beta approaches and examines the door]
Beta (thinking): LOCKED. WHERE’S THE KEY?

[A shadow falls on him. A gigantic clone of Beta appears right behind him. He is holding a staff, with the key attached at its top]
Beta (thinking): Ah…BATTLE WITH MYSELF. HOW VERY ORIGINAL.

[The giant suddenly turns around, only to go and sit at the edge of the pool]
giant: COME. SIT, SIT.
Beta: EXCUSE ME?
giant: LET’S TALK. TO GIVE YOU THE KEY, I MUST BELIEVE YOU’RE WORTH IT.
Beta: I WON’T WASTE TIME ON CHIT-CHAT. DRAW YOUR SWORD. WE WILL FIGHT.

This reaction doesn't feel natural for the character, given that previously he's questioned the whole thing and resents that three of his uncles have died trying to do this. he's been given a chance to do things in a better way, but he insists on fighting... doesn't make sense to me

giant: YOU WOUND ME ALREADY! TALKING WITH YOURSELF, A WASTE OF TIME? NO… YOU SIMPLY FEAR THAT YOU AREN’T WORTHY. THAT YOU’LL LOSE ALL DOUBT ABOUT IT IF WE TALK. YOU HAVE NO GUTS BEYOND THAT SWORD.

That's potentially a good emotional reason for him choosing the sword but it's all presented much too abruptly. You want to hint at this before he makes the choice to fight instead of talk, and show him doing a similar thing in a less blantant way first. Try to show this through his actions and thoughts - I get it that this clone creature thing probably does know his thoughts and motivation, but this would come across a whole lot more powerfully if you'd given the reader reason to suspect that this may be the case before the clone creature thing says it.

If the intention is for them to fight, maybe have Beta blow his chances at the talking thing first then the clone thing forces him to fight, or provokes him into fighting or something. This bit of the scene has a lot of potential but it's all done too quickly with no chance for the reader to ponder any subtext or anything.


Beta: I FEAR NOTHING.

[The giant stands up]
giant: LET’S PLAY, THEN: IF YOU REACH THE KEY, IT’S YOURS.
Beta: VERY WELL.
giant: PLUS ONE RULE. TO FIND IT, YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT ME. AND FACE ANYTHING YOU’LL SEE.

[The giant melts and disappears in the water with a splash. Now he’s seen as Beta’s reflection, only he still holds the key ]
Beta: WAIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[As Beta looks at his reflection, reality melts around]
Beta: !!!

[A battlefield appears. A young rider at the top of a hill is surrounded by enemies. Many spears have already gone through him and his horse. Beta is stranded outside the crowd of enemies. He can only watch]
---narration:
MY BROTHER GETS KILLED IN FRONT OFF ME. I DID NOTHING. AND I’LL TAKE HIS PLACE?

[Beta has fallen in the water. He comes out dripping wet]
Beta: COUGH… COUGH…

i don't get why he's fallen in the water. The bit about the battlefield was powerful but I was expecting a little more to develop from it.

giant: YOU LOST. TURN BACK.
Beta: NO! AGAIN!
Beta (thinking): IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO SAVE HIM.

[Beta is collapsed on the floor, a glass of poisoned wine rolling at his side. At the wall, shadows of people whispering secrets or harming others]
---narration:
THE PALACE IS FILLED WITH CONSPIRATORS. TREASONS AND POISON, I SURVIVE. BUT I LOSE ALL FAITH IN PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I RULE THEM?

Beta (thinking): NOT EVERYONE IS A TWO-FACED TRAITOR. THE INNOCENTS ARE A LOT MORE.

I think "the innocents are a lot more" needs to be rephrased. It's awkward. If you want something formal sounding, maybe "The innocents are greater in number" or less formal, maybe "there are more good people."


[A much younger beta sits on a desk, writing something under the light of candles. A bunch of adults stand over him, staring]
---narration:
I AM A CHILD AGAIN, STRIVING TO BE PERFECT. I BARELY BECOME A “BETA”. EVERYONE FOCUSES ON MY MISTAKES, WHILE PRAISING ALPHA.

Beta (thinking): I’M NOT A KID ANYMORE. I’M PROUD TO BE CALLED BETA.

Again this is all over too quickly. There's potential to develop this a lot more. It's a good idea but I would want to see more of each thing that he's being made to see.


[Beta’s vision clears. He jumps through his reflection and emerges with the key]

Beta: I WON! THE CHALLENGE IS OVER.

[the giant turns back to his original form, but emits light]
giant: OVER? THIS WAS ONLY THE ENTRANCE.

[the light giant turns into a wisp and disappears]
giant’s voice: GOOD LUCK!

This is a good twist... somewhat predictable but I like it anyway. Though I'm not sure why Beta's so confident and not shaken at all... maybe a slightly more questioning "is it over? did I make it?" might feel more appropriate


[The prince raises the key to the gate, which opens. He steps into a place with no floor or ceiling and starts flying towards the door at the other side]
Beta (thinking): LUCK? I NEED NO LUCK! I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE KINGDOM. AND I JUST DEFEATED MYSELF. NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!

why so confident?


[Beta steps out to a vast landscape, a whole new world. In front of him lay the vast planes of hell. Near the horizon there’s a huge wall, behind which one can see the green and blue landscapes of heaven]
Beta: I THINK I AREN’T IN THE PYRAMID ANYMORE…

This is not grammatically correct. Also you don't need to say "I think" - it's going to be in a thought bubble... "seems I'm not in the pyriamid anymore" might be better if he's not really certain about it, but it's not clear why he's uncertain one minute and stupidly over-confident the next.. this may be an aspect of his character that you've intended but I think you need to make it more clear why he's acting like that. Maybe the overconfidence is bravado because he's scared (you hinted at something along those lines) but you need to show it a bit more. Maybe foreshadow it... maybe one of his brothers can say something about it or something

I like the thing of him seeing things from his past and the clone creature trying to make him doubt himself but there's not enough of a reaction from your character. i'd want to get more inside your character's head and know how he feels in response to these things. As it's drawn, you have the extra tool of showing facial expressions and body language, not just the words you write.

I like the concept and it looks like it's going to be an interesting and exciting story. I would read on from here but I'd like it a lot better if you got more depth and feeling into the different things that he sees. It's got a ton of potential.

There are places where the dialogue needs a bit of revision so it feels more natural. Also, the register's a bit off in places. He's using "kid" (informal) along with quite formal phrases. It's fine if he's using formal language in a context where it's expected then less formal around his brothers and sister, but where it's mixed in the same sentences or he's using formal one minute, informal the next it's not quite right... maybe that's one reason why it's not feeling so natural.
 
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