Is there a Grammar Nazi in the house? (Q re parenthetical expressions)

This is what I'd do:

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest and--could it be?--pity.

Better yet, I'd break up or rewrite the sentence.

Evelyn_Alexie said:

I'm wrestling with a note my editor left in my ms. I do NOT see the following as a parenthetical expression, and I think the punctuation is correct as is.

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest and--could it be pity?​

The editor wanted me to replace the m-dash with a comma. She said it's a parenthetical expression and thus should have two dashes or two commas. I think she's plain wrong. Am I delusional?

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It probably should be:

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest and--could it be?--pity.

You do need the second em-dash because "could it be" needs to be set off in some way. I think em-dashes work better than commas. But you could circumvent the issue entirely by changing up the construction:

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest. Or could it be pity?

Just throwing my two cents in, I agree w/Beth and would rewrite it.

Minor tangent, I really dislike the casual use of Nazi to describe anything other than, well, Nazis. Be that breastfeeding nazi, grammar nazi, or feminazi.

Anyway, apologies for the derail!

yes, I would say it is a parenthetical expression, as I understand the term. An aside to the reader, almost.

Evelyn_Alexie said:

The editor's suggested rewrite had been to take the first comma and make /that/ a dash .

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That could work, but I think you'd need to change "and" to "or."

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest--or could it be pity?

And possibly consider changing "it" to "that."

If you really want to keep "and," maybe--

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest...and pity?

WriterBN said:

This is what I'd do:

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest and--could it be?--pity.

Better yet, I'd break up or rewrite the sentence.

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I think it's reasonable to do it your way, but there are many ways to get the main point across--that the viewpoint character is wondering if the other character's interest in her may be due in part to pity. No one way is better in all circumstances, and the reader's perception of the voice and personality of the pov character will be affected by the choice made. The flow of the sentence will change if you write:

His body was wiry and strong, and the dark eyes that met Lia's were bright with interest--and could it be?--pity.

The change in where one pauses mentally as they read changes the emotional tone a bit, imo.

I might try rewording it too, but that would depend on how that sentence integrates into the rest of the piece with regards to voice, style, narrative viewpoint etc. The appropriateness and efficacy of voice-ey expressions in narrative can be tricky to judge in isolation.

Roxxsmom said:

I might try rewording it too, but that would depend on how that sentence integrates into the rest of the piece with regards to voice, style, narrative viewpoint etc. The appropriateness and efficacy of voice-ey expressions in narrative can be tricky to judge in isolation.

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Yes, I agree. If it were my work, I'd probably rewrite the sentence.

Harlequin said:

Minor tangent, I really dislike the casual use of Nazi to describe anything other than, well, Nazis. Be that breastfeeding nazi, grammar nazi, or feminazi.

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Me too.

I find it extremely distasteful.

Moving on, I'd rewrite the sentence. It sounds somewhat cliched to me.