Writing with OCD

Status
Not open for further replies.

Disorderly Order

Registered
Joined
Sep 26, 2017
Messages
40
Reaction score
1
I didn't see one of these for OCD and I hope it's in the right place

Does anyone here have OCD or anxiety disorders? I have bipolar type II, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Writing used to come naturally to me. It was like the characters wrote the story and I just had to write it down. Now its like pulling teeth to write one word after the other. I haven't liked writing for awhile. I don't think it's my medication because I've written before just fine while on my bipolar meds and my OCD/Anxiety medication is in very small doses.

Because of my OCD I get crippling anxiety if I write what I truly want to write (has to do with the subject matter). I went months without writing at all. Now I'm compromising and writing what I know won't give me anxiety. But I still have anxiety from having to struggle so hard to find the words. I'm forcing myself to write because that's the only advice I've ever heard. I write everyday for an hour and I hate it. Anyone experiencing the same thing or have advice.
 

Ari Meermans

MacAllister's Official Minion & Greeter
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 24, 2011
Messages
12,854
Reaction score
3,057
Location
Not where you last saw me.
You shouldn't do anything—including writing—that makes you unhappy or that you hate doing. Give yourself permission to take a break until you want to write again. And if you never do, that's okay, too. You should do what fulfills you and makes you happy.

Are there other creative outlets you've always wanted to explore or try your hand at?
 

ironmikezero

practical experience, FTW
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 8, 2011
Messages
1,737
Reaction score
426
Location
Haunted Louisiana
I have a mild form of OCD. I've learned to channel it, focus on an activity that I enjoy, and shelve any anxiety in the process (it diminishes perceptively, and ultimately evaporates). Admittedly, I've used this tactic for years and it's become much easier--almost second nature now. Anxiety is no longer an issue for me; I just get busy having fun.

Ari is giving you some good advice, well worth careful consideration.

OCD can be a curse, or a tool. It can be a matter of perspective. Think about how you can manage it to your advantage; just remember to please yourself in the process.
You just might accomplish something amazing.
 

Old Hack

Such a nasty woman
Super Moderator
Absolute Sage
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 12, 2005
Messages
22,454
Reaction score
4,956
Location
In chaos
Because of my OCD I get crippling anxiety if I write what I truly want to write (has to do with the subject matter). I went months without writing at all. Now I'm compromising and writing what I know won't give me anxiety. But I still have anxiety from having to struggle so hard to find the words. I'm forcing myself to write because that's the only advice I've ever heard. I write everyday for an hour and I hate it. Anyone experiencing the same thing or have advice.

You have been given very bad advice, I'm afraid.

Your mental health has to come first. If writing exacerbates your anxiety, don't write. And if you hate writing, don't force yourself to do it: it's going to just make everything more difficult. Look after yourself, practise good self-care, and put yourself first.

I've done a lot of reading up on writers' block, and it is clear to me that a lack of self compassion is at the heart of most of the blocks we experience. So you're going to find your writing, and your attitude to it, improving once you start taking better emotional care of yourself.

I've found something that's a really good and relatively quick fix: self-compassion meditations. If you look online you'll find lots you can use. Try them out. You might well find your writing picks up again and if it doesn't it's no big loss if it's making you as miserable as it seems to be doing.

I hope things work out for you.
 

auzerais

I like puppies.
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Dec 7, 2014
Messages
402
Reaction score
87
Location
Seattle, WA
I don't have OCD but I do have an anxiety disorder, and have since I was a child.

It took me a long time to feel this way about it, but I think anxiety has functioned as a kind of survival skill for me. It's not comfortable, it's not preferable, and I'd rather not have to deal with it, but I have it so I've used it. Anxiety is a kind of energy. A force. It can push you down, but it can also propel you forward. I am a painfully shy, introverted person. If my wife makes me walk into a restaurant before she does, it might trigger a full blown panic attack. Yet I work in retail pharmacy and am known for my intense people skills. Why? Anxiety. I am so terrified of getting yelled at that I've become very attuned to people's social cues and temperaments. I studied the way people act and react to different behaviors, attitudes, etc so that I can interact with people in a way that makes them like me. I would not be as good with people if I were not so afraid of them. Things could very easily have gone the other way; I could very easily have become someone who never leaves the house. I have those tendencies. But in this case, my anxious nature propelled me forward instead of pushing me down.

I have a lot of examples as to how anxiety has helped me in my day job; creatively it's a bit more difficult. There's less urgency to create. To write, to draw. Whatever. If I'm having a bad anxiety day but I'm scheduled to work...I have to go. Work = money = food, shelter, and my entire carefully crafted life. If I'm having a bad anxiety day and I was planning to write, it can wait. So often it does. It waits a lot. This is so crushing to me. And this is where my anxious nature pushes me down instead of propelling me forward. If I were not so anxious, I would write a whole lot more.

But I'm anxious. A lot. Most of the time. There are good days and bad days, but there is unlikely to be a time ever when this is simply not something that I have to deal with in some way. It's a fact of my being. So as often as I am capable, I try to flip the energy from pushing down to propelling forward.

I am not going to tell you that this is in any way easy.

Writing is the creative art that gives me the most fulfillment, which also means that it gives me the most anxiety. Sometimes it's manageable. I can get in a groove. (Nanowrimo is exceptionally good at getting me in a groove.) Sometimes there's no groove but I can still sludge forward. I cope by switching my tactics. If I can write easily, I work on the projects I feel most intensely about. If I can write but not easily, I change my focus. Sometimes I freewrite about what I need to make happen in the more important project. It's just making notes, so it lets me keep my head in the game without feeling pressure.

And sometimes writing is too much entirely. I draw instead. I do what I can. I expect less of myself because I never thought I had the skills to grow up and be a famous artist, so I have more realistic expectations of what I can draw versus what I can write. Sometimes I can draw detailed pictures. Sometimes I dash off a throwaway sketch. I did about forty pictures once, in thick marker -- cartoons, almost, illustrations of my negative self talk. (My therapist had a field day. He still talks about these.) In my head they were "just a coping mechanism." I never expected them to be good. In that sense they were easy to do. But they kept my head in the game. It was art, whether I valued it or not.

And art is what keeps me alive. My art is the most me thing I do. Art is my lifeboat. Some days, I am too sick to row. But the more I'm able to do art, the less I'm unable to do so. The more art I do, the less anxiety I have in general. Art functions as an outlet. A safe way to focus on my fears, my depression, my anxiety, my grief. The hard things. Art leads to my mental wellness, even though it causes me so much anxiety at times.

This post turned out to be excruciatingly long and I have a ton of anxiety about it (of course.) So I'll sum it up here in this way: write, because you want to or you wouldn't be here. When you can face it, write the hard stuff. When you can't face it, write the easy stuff. The easy stuff needs to be written too. Write about how hard it is to write. It counts. If anxiety is a weight, it can be used for leverage just as much as it can be used to keep you down. If it's a force, it can be used to push you forward just as much as it can be used to pull you down. Good luck and stay well.
 

DanielSTJ

The Wandering Bard
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Sep 3, 2017
Messages
5,410
Reaction score
368
Age
34
Location
Kingston, Ontario, Canada
I'd have to agree with the others: if you HATE writing than you should consider what you're doing. It's not worth it if you really aren't enjoying yourself to some degree.

However, you may just need a break! It doesn't mean that you have to stop writing entirely. Maybe you've just been stressing yourself out too much and need to let the steam out.

Just my two cents!
 
Last edited:

Jade Rothwell

rolling dice
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 24, 2016
Messages
1,310
Reaction score
166
Age
30
Location
Ontario, Canada
I have OCD. for me writing is one of my compulsions (or obsessions? both?). if I don't write every other day, I'm Bad. is it similar for you, Disorderly?
 
Last edited:

Disorderly Order

Registered
Joined
Sep 26, 2017
Messages
40
Reaction score
1
No, it's not, Jade A. I'm the opposite actually. I have to fight my compulsion not to write. Writing is one of my biggest triggers and I have to argue over and over in my head that what I'm writing is "safe" and won't cause harm to anyone.
 

Old Hack

Such a nasty woman
Super Moderator
Absolute Sage
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 12, 2005
Messages
22,454
Reaction score
4,956
Location
In chaos
Why do you force yourself to write when it causes you such distress? And if you are determined to write, have you considered counselling or CBT so that you can stop it being so triggering for you?
 

VeryBigBeard

Preparing for winter
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 24, 2014
Messages
2,449
Reaction score
1,505
Just up front, I don't have OCD and I'm not an expert so I can't advise you except to say it might be generally helpful to speak to someone who is if you feel your mental health isn't great all around.

I can say that it is sometimes a natural part of the writing process to hate it a bit. Often that hate is visceral, and compelling. Sometimes it's tied up with performance anxiety, sometimes with more general anxiety. I can only say this because it's been true for me, and true for other writers I know. Sometimes everything feels like crap.

The only writing-process solution I know is the one you're doing--just work through it, acknowledging that the process is going to be unenjoyable in the hope that this too shall pass. Some people also find certain techniques--outlining, freewriting, prompts, switching up the order of the story--helpful.

No, it's not, Jade A. I'm the opposite actually. I have to fight my compulsion not to write. Writing is one of my biggest triggers and I have to argue over and over in my head that what I'm writing is "safe" and won't cause harm to anyone.

I'm a bit confused with the bolded--is the specific content somehow harmful? Is that the worry?

That's a writing block that seems to come up periodically in people I've known. I don't have it myself, but I've had similar blocks when I'm writing a particularly sensitive scene and I'm worried my execution isn't up to snuff. And lots of people here have started threads about whether a given piece might trigger or even harm someone. If that's your issue, well, it does come up, whether through OCD or just writerly anxiety of its own.

I tend to think that the main thing, in these cases, is to remember AW's motto: "write hard". Which means that, yes, sometimes the writing itself is hard--hard to reader, harder to actually compose. But often worth it. Especially if it's something true.

It is true that people will be triggered if your book depicts something traumatic or unpleasant. But it is also true that readers will react in all kinds of unpredictable and uncontrollable ways to your book. They will be triggered if a pet dies. They will be triggered by comma use.

It's probably a good thing that, as a culture, we've become more aware of triggers and trauma and mental health. But as a writer, you can only take so much responsibility as is reasonable. In the end, the reader controls his or her experience, from buying the book to how the book is read and in what context. Someone triggered by something you write is as free to not read it as another is to gobble it up and feel not alone. You ultimately can't predict this any more than you can predict any part of the future, nor can you control it, so write what's right for the story, according to your own judgment. Of course there's an ethical decision there. Should you put in a gratuitous rape scene or other traumatic event as a throwaway plot device? Maybe not. But it remains your call, based on your instinct of the ethics involved.

Other people get to have Opinions. You are the author, and therefore have ultimate control.

This kind of mindset doesn't always work, of course. It doesn't always work for me, when I'm instinctively pausing over a scene that might be troubling. I find myself doing that more and more now, maybe because stories of trauma have become somewhat... saturated, for good or ill, in a lot of popular media. I try to just go with it, listen to what the story wants, and trust that the idea wouldn't have come to me if I wasn't fundamentally ethically OK with it. Granted, people can believe all sorts of wet and wild stuff, and so can I, so I also try to remember that if something slips through, and I'm uncomfortable with a scene, that I can change it on revision. But I try to make that decision then, and not when I'm writing. It can help to have emotional distance.

That's all I can say as a writer, on a writing level, and even then only for my own process. I can't speak to how OCD will factor into that thought process, though I wish you the best in finding a way through it.
 

Disorderly Order

Registered
Joined
Sep 26, 2017
Messages
40
Reaction score
1
I agree with what you're saying and I'm sorry about the confusion.

If I write a specific subject matter my OCD thoughts say I will be punished by something bad happening to the people I love. It's not a fear of triggering someone it's a fear of literally causing harm to the people I love.

I try to write things that aren't that specific subject matter as a way around the OCD but I think that makes it so I don't have inspiration to write. I'm sure it's not good that I'm constantly suppressing ideas to write because they're of the specific subject matter also.

Hopefully that's clearer. I'm sorry I can't say what the subject matter is. Thank you for taking the time to post!
 

Disorderly Order

Registered
Joined
Sep 26, 2017
Messages
40
Reaction score
1
Thank you everyone so much for your replies

Ari Meermans - I don't have a hobby as of yet. I used to draw. I'll try different artistic outlets and see if they work for me.

Auzerais - You don't know how much your words have meant to me. I used to almost be symptom free because I spent time doing the things I loved. The OCD took almost everything from me. It made those activities scary and anxiety inducing. I need to get back to a place like where you are where I can lose myself in an activity and in turn maybe that would make writing enjoyable again.

Old Hack - My therapist is actually the one who told me to write. I'm pretty sure what I need is Exposure Response Prevention therapy(Its common for OCD) Unfortunately I'm not sure if my health provider covers that. So I'm figuring that out. The hope is that if I had that therapy I would no longer have that fear of harming the people I love by writing. Then I could write whatever I wanted without anxiety and it would be fun again.

First of all let me say that I was really scared not to write. When I could write without anxiety it was like it was apart of my identity. I also feared that I would have nothing to do. At least when I had writing it took up an hour out of the day. I had hopes that if I just pushed myself enough and created a habit the inspiration would come back and the words would flow like they used to.

I thought over everyone's words to me and made the decision to take a break from writing. I haven't written since Sunday. It's a relief not to have to struggle for an hour every day. If I have the inspiration I'll write but I'm not forcing the words out of me anymore.

If I'm ever going to write how I used to write I have to take care of the OCD first.
 

Jade Rothwell

rolling dice
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Oct 24, 2016
Messages
1,310
Reaction score
166
Age
30
Location
Ontario, Canada
(sorry for not responding sooner)

I understand where you're coming from with fear of harmful writing. I struggle with that as well.

taking a break is a really good call. I hope you're able to let yourself rest a bit
 
Status
Not open for further replies.