Yep, I'm pretty cool with a lot of that stuff. Some of the rap I listen to, well let's just say it's not family friendly.
So freedom, M. How does it feel?
It feels...free, NaBra. Very free.
I have been processing and processing what my marriage was and what was happening for many years. One problem that I struggled with is that my ex-husband and I never shared the same reality. One of the issues related to the depression I have is that I did not have a strong ability to maintain my understanding of reality in the face of his understanding of reality. So now, I no longer have to struggle against that force. It makes me feel light and like I am soaring, or I could.
Another thing I have been thinking about is camaraderie. The first modern video game I played--that is a video game from the 21st century)--was an MMO called Tabula Rasa. I fell in--that's the only way I can describe it--with a group of people...it's all very complicated. The short story is that through playing together, I developed a deep sense of camaraderie. We did a lot of group activities, and for the first time in my life I had this sense of "I've got your back." One friend and I took our friendship out of the game, and we tried to start a political party at the height of the Occupy Wall Street movement. And that is another long story.
I think the best marriages and families give you that feeling of camaraderie, as well as a lot of other stuff. There is a feeling of "I've got your back." Or, as Elizabeth Bonesteel's MC Elena says (this is my paraphrase, I hope), I'll be as strong as I can be so that you can be as strong as you are. I often felt this at Taekwondo. It was always missing in my marriage, and I was always searching for it without knowing what I was searching for and with feeling desperately bad about myself for having that yearning.
I have some of that sense of camaraderie here with you guys. It sustains me. Oopsie; here come the tears.
I think that's why I suggested the idea of writing a story together.
This morning, I was thinking that you can team up with anyone at any time, if you pause to think about the situation, your role, what you are doing, and what you have to offer.
So, I feel like now, I can offer that camaraderie to anyone who inspires it, in any situation that requires it. That I have the energy and the capacity to team up with people and let the feeling fill me up.
M.