"Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel For Feedback" thread

dpaterso · Apr 11, 2017

August 2020 edit: the newest iteration of this thread is here, enjoy.

This can be seen as a continuation of the Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel thread in Novels forum, which you should take a peek at because amerigina lays out the rules pretty well in the 1st post.

You're invited to post the first 3 sentences of your WIP here for critique.*

I like amergina's take on what such a writing sample might consist of:

Gripping first sentence that captures your attention. Stunning second sentence that acts as a bridge. Amazing third sentence that causes your heart to pound and fingers itch to turn that page, but alas, there is no more.

Re-read that quote, and see if you can tinker with your darling opening lines to improve them before you post. Take your time, this isn't a race. If they're already perfect then that's great!

By posting, you're inviting readers to critique your writing sample. That means they will say what they think. You might not receive the deafening applause you're expecting so wear your adult panties, please. And remember the immortal words of Conan: That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Readers/critiquers, take it easy, this is not a Viking raid. Yes I know you're trying to help but there are diplomatic alternatives to being so helpy that the author feels they're being bludgeoned to death. Try to remember you were a sensitive soul yourself, once.

Have fun -- "fun" being the keyword here.

* An addendum to cover posting samples from works that have already been published. This came up in Page 24 of this thread. If you're doing this, please make sure readers know the lines are from a published work. I personally would have an expectation that author might be willing to update said published work (if possible) should readers deliver some zing suggestions, but that's just me, clearly it's the author's decision. But maybe this could also be made clear (whether or not updates are likely to happen, that is, or whether it's set in concrete). Readers, read 'em or don't read 'em, your choice.

If you're wondering where you might post the first 3 sentences of a short story for feedback, see here: Post The First Three Sentences of your Short Story in Short Fiction forum.

There's also the Hook me in 200 words or less thread in Science Fiction | Fantasy SYW (password=vista). Other SYW genre sub-forums also have their own 200 words threads, go check ’em out.

-Derek

megan_d · Apr 12, 2017

Well, I guess someone has to bite first right? Here are the first tree sentences of my very new WIP, a sequel to my recently published urban fantasy:

Words just didn’t cut it when you were trying to convey the reality of Albert, the monstrous thing Grey Corp kept chained up like they were trying to win an award for world’s least cuddly pet.

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

“No,” said William. “No. It's like, really unpleasant. Really really.”

horrorchix89 · Apr 12, 2017

megan_d said:
Well, I guess someone has to bite first right? Here are the first tree sentences of my very new WIP, a sequel to my recently published urban fantasy:

For the record, this is more than 3 sentences. It's 7, not counting the dialog tags. If the first part in the WIP? Because you slip into the second person with "you".

Other than that, it sounds interesting.

mccardey · Apr 12, 2017

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

I'm not a stickler for how many sentences makes three sentences - but I love this line

megan_d · Apr 12, 2017

horrorchix89 said:
For the record, this is more than 3 sentences. It's 7, not counting the dialog tags. If the first part in the WIP? Because you slip into the second person with "you".

Other than that, it sounds interesting.

My bad! I just grabbed the first three lines without looking too closely, but I see you are right. (Well, technically. Surely we can let a few one word sentences slide…) The you is intentional, and I think ok. It’s like how if a book had the line ‘time flies when you’re having fun’ you wouldn’t think of it as a slip into second person. It’s just an aside. Sorry, not trying to argue, you just got me thinking is all…

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mccardey said:
I'm not a stickler for how many sentences makes three sentences - but I love this line

Thank you!

Helix · Apr 12, 2017

horrorchix89 said:
For the record, this is more than 3 sentences. It's 7, not counting the dialog tags. If the first part in the WIP? Because you slip into the second person with "you".

Other than that, it sounds interesting.

That 'you' isn't second person PoV.

Old Hack · Apr 12, 2017

OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

Thecla · Apr 12, 2017

megan_d said:
Words just didn’t cut it when you were trying to convey the reality of Albert, the monstrous thing Grey Corp kept chained up like they were trying to win an award for world’s least cuddly pet.

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

“No,” said William. “No. It's like, really unpleasant. Really really.”[/QUOTE]

The first three sentences worked for me, as I read the rest (I didn't consider the 'you' in the first sentence as second person either, for what that's worth). The voice is fun.

Thecla · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

Interesting but not for me. That's simply taste (it's a calm account of violence; I like things more visceral). The writing is smooth though. I get the feeling the victim is asleep or drugged as the narrator doesn't mention movement or noise or any response at all. So yes, it's interesting and intriguing, with contrast between tone and act, but still doesn't quite hit my sweet spot. Sorry.

Helix · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

I like this. Good detail, not cliched, and you've both used the rule of three and subverted it by spreading it over two sentences. My only comment would be about the pairing of 'sucking' and 'resistance'. I know what you mean, but they seem to be at odds.

edutton · Apr 12, 2017

megan_d said:
Words just didn’t cut it when you were trying to convey the reality of Albert, the monstrous thing Grey Corp kept chained up like they were trying to win an award for world’s least cuddly pet.

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

~~“No,” said William. “No. It's like, really unpleasant. Really really.”~~

Just FYI, if you put your actual submission in a quote box, it makes it harder for others to reply b/c we have to cut and paste to get the text in.

I like this overall, the voice is fun and engaging; I'd keep reading. The "you" did trip me up, though, second person or no (FWIW).

(And YAY for the return of my favorite thread!)

edutton · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

It's clearly not my genre, but it's well written and I'd keep reading if this was the kind of thing I read.

mrsmig · Apr 12, 2017

megan_d said:
Well, I guess someone has to bite first right? Here are the first tree sentences of my very new WIP, a sequel to my recently published urban fantasy:

Words just didn’t cut it when you were trying to convey the reality of Albert, the monstrous thing Grey Corp kept chained up like they were trying to win an award for world’s least cuddly pet.

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

“~~No,” said William. “No. It's like, really unpleasant. Really really.”~~

Because Rulz is Rulz, I'm looking at your first three sentences, and I like them. The voice is fun and the situation interesting. The first sentence is a bit of a mouthful, but I'd still read on.

mrsmig · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

Others have remarked on the sense of detachment, but my interest was piqued by that very thing.

You could dial back the explain-y aspect of the second sentence - I think "like cutting corrugated cardboard" stands on its own just fine, without "a serrated feeling" and the info about the knife.

I'd read on.

Old Hack · Apr 12, 2017

Thanks, all. Your comments are much appreciated. I've never realised about the contradiction in "sucking resistance", but you're right. I'll think about that one.

It took me a while to work out how it would feel to stab someone so in the end I stabbed a dead sheep which was on the moors behind my house. There's nothing like a good bit of research.

TellMeAStory · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

Did you mean to use the words "the knife" 4 times in 3 sentences?

I agree with Mrsmig about the second sentence. Take our advice, and I'm very likely to read the polished version.

be frank · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
It took me a while to work out how it would feel to stab someone so in the end I stabbed a dead sheep which was on the moors behind my house. There's nothing like a good bit of research.

*face-palm*

Dead sheep! Why didn't I think of that before I stabbed that guy in the name of resear ... um ... never mind.

Marlys · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. see below There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife Lots of repetition of 'knife' in these sentences--consider 'blade' here. slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled ~~the knife~~ it out and his blood flowed over my hands.

I'd replace a couple of instances of 'knife,' but otherwise the description is great. What really bothers me is the first line, though. The narrator isn't describing how the knife feels--it's the whole experience of driving the knife into the victim. Consider a reword, possibly: I can still remember how it felt when I slid the knife in him.

morngnstar · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

I can tell this is going to be a book with detailed descriptions, but not much else. In three sentences of description, I would like at least one of them to be surprising. One of them should tell me how this stabbing is different from every other stabbing. For example:

The hilt became unbearably hot, then burst into flames.

With his last breath, Andy said, "Thank you."

The crowd cheered.

On a detail level I would also complain that resistance can't be sucking if something's going in.

morngnstar · Apr 12, 2017

megan_d said:
Words just didn’t cut it when you were trying to convey the reality of Albert, the monstrous thing Grey Corp kept chained up like they were trying to win an award for world’s least cuddly pet.

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

The first sentence works for me, although it's not terribly original. I'm imagining essentially the three-headed dog from Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone.

The second sentence does not work for me. Ugly is not what I imagined. Large and dangerous is. Maybe Gwen is being glib, but I'm sort of thrown. Am I supposed to think it's frightening or disgusting, or both?

Is this omniscient POV? If so then fine, that can work for a humorous fantasy, ala Douglas Adams. If not, there is a subtle head hop. The first sentence can't be Gwen's POV, because Gwen doesn't know enough about Albert to know if words cut it or not. The second sentence must be Gwen's POV, because no one else can know if Gwen gets it.

Denevius · Apr 12, 2017

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

These three work to me.

BethS · Apr 12, 2017

megan_d said:
Words just didn’t cut it when you were trying to convey the reality of Albert, the monstrous thing Grey Corp kept chained up like they were trying to win an award for world’s least cuddly pet.

“I get it,” said Gwen, who did not get it at all. “It’s unpleasant to look at.”

That's three sentences right there, so that's as much as we're allowed to critique.

I like it a lot. It sounds entertaining, so I'd definitely keep reading. Is it in first-person POV? Not entirely clear from this sample.

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mccardey said:
I'm not a stickler for how many sentences makes three sentences - but I love this line

That was my favorite, too.

Southpaw · Apr 12, 2017

It's okay. I stumbled over the first sentence, and I really don't know why. It might be word order. :Shrug:

I'd read on for a bit.

megan_d said:
Well, I guess someone has to bite first right? Here are the first tree sentences of my very new WIP, a sequel to my recently published urban fantasy:

BethS · Apr 12, 2017

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: not sure why there's a colon there. The "soft, sucking resistance" looks like the first item in the list, not an introduction to the list. I think a comma would be fine there. a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

I can only hope that whoever is getting stabbed deserved it. I do like the descriptive prose. It's well done.

Southpaw · Apr 12, 2017

Gross. Disgusting. Horrifying -- I'd totally read on; you've got my attention.

Old Hack said:
OK, I'll have a go. These are the first three sentences of a book I have out on submission right now.

I can still remember the way the knife felt when I slid it in him. There was a soft, sucking resistance: a bump as the knife slid past his ribs, a serrated feeling like cutting corrugated cardboard, although the knife was mostly smooth. And the sudden spurt of warmth as I pulled the knife out and his blood flowed over my hands.

"Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel For Feedback" thread

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