"Post the First Three Sentences of your Novel For Feedback" thread

Lionel said:

It is July 18, 2009 in the country town of Bruga in the land down under, and a young chap is peacefully wandering along the street on his way to a bottle-O. Almost without noticing, he knocks down the price display board of a local butcher. Just as he pauses to consider whether undoing his blunder would be a gift to society, he has a flashback from 5 years ago at the ripe age of 23.

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I agree with the others about the flashback thing. Not just the impending backstory, but "he has a flashback from..." that whole clause is very telly. It's a preamble telling me about the flashback and not the actual flashback. If what happened 5 years ago is important, you can either start 5 years ago or you can find ways to drip-feed the important details into the narrative.

That said, I found it very engaging up until that point. I'd read on to find out whether he's going to consider giving humanity the gift of undoing his blunder with the price display board.

Kat M said:

One night, when the air grew fuzzy with dark, Laney went prowling for her father’s fiddle. She padded downstairs and skittered barefoot across the cold hardwood, squinting to make the darkness stop swirling so she could find the usual niche on the bookshelf. It was so quiet she could hear her heartbeat.

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I liked this. I would read on. It has a nice atmosphere about it that I can't quite pin down. My only thought was if barefoot was actually needed. Padded to me implies bare feet already.

Kat M said:

OK . . . apparently darkness doesn't swirl. Maybe it's a nearsighted person thing.

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As someone who is very short-sighted (as we call it over here) and somewhat night blind, I get what you mean. I think the darkness itself doesn't swirl, but stuff in it does, playing tricks almost as my brain tries to make sense of what my useless eyes cannot see.

Thank you again, all of you. Be well.

I'm trying out a few openings for one of my WsIP. This probably is the blandest, but I need something to distract me right now, so posting it here.

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After the fall of King Solomon’s temple back in God only knew what year, a few of the ancient Jews battled storms and pirates on the Arabian Sea on their way to a small sliver of land on India’s west coast. The locals proudly called their sun-kissed home God’s Own Country, and the youngest remaining descendant of God’s Own People in Cochin was about to make the trip in the opposite direction. If the narrow streets weren’t so packed with buses and rickshaws and honking cars, Sid might’ve had a prayer getting to the old Cohen home before Rahel sold her grandfather’s collection of classical erotic fiction for the price of paper.
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(I need to start with Sid because he's supposed to be the main POV character. Rahel's waiting to break his nose for writing her into his latest novel, so she would've been more fun, but I kind of wrote myself into a corner with the last book in the series and made Sid the main one.)

josephperin said:

After the fall of King Solomon’s temple back in God only knew what year {I might hyphenate them}, a few of the ancient Jews battled storms and pirates on the Arabian Sea on their way to a small sliver of land on India’s west coast. The locals proudly called their sun-kissed home God’s Own Country, and the youngest remaining descendant of God’s Own People in Cochin was about to make the trip in the opposite direction. If the narrow streets weren’t so packed with buses and rickshaws and honking cars, Sid might’ve had a prayer getting to the old Cohen home before Rahel sold her grandfather’s collection of classical erotic fiction for the price of paper.
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(I need to start with Sid because he's supposed to be the main POV character. Rahel's waiting to break his nose for writing her into his latest novel, so she would've been more fun, but I kind of wrote myself into a corner with the last book in the series and made Sid the main one.)

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If you need to start with Sid, why not start with him from the first line? He goes to the old Cohen home and maybe something interesting/frightening happens on the way or after he has arrived, either through narrative or dialogue you show this is a Jewish enclave in west India (+credit if you paint a picture of what it is like there because I think most of your audience has not been there... and then perhaps the history--which I do not think needs to come right off the start).

Yeah, I'd open with Sid. As written, I thought we were in ancient times, until I got to the packed buses and honking horns.

josephperin said:

After the fall of King Solomon’s temple back in God only knew what year, a few of the ancient Jews battled storms and pirates on the Arabian Sea on their way to a small sliver of land on India’s west coast. The locals proudly called their sun-kissed home God’s Own Country, and the youngest remaining descendant of God’s Own People in Cochin was about to make the trip in the opposite direction. If the narrow streets weren’t so packed with buses and rickshaws and honking cars, Sid might’ve had a prayer getting to the old Cohen home before Rahel sold her grandfather’s collection of classical erotic fiction for the price of paper.)

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Another vote for Bing's idea to put Sid in the first line (as well as the third.) Maybe something like:

After the fall of King Solomon’s temple back in God only knew what year, a few of Sid’s ancient Jewish ancestors battled storms and pirates on the Arabian Sea to a small sliver of land on India’s west coast.


The locals proudly called their sun-kissed home God’s Own Country, and the youngest remaining descendant of God’s Own People in Cochin was about to make the trip in the opposite direction.


If the narrow streets weren’t so packed with buses and rickshaws and honking cars, Sid might’ve stood a chance to get to the old Cohen home before Rahel sold her grandfather’s collection of classical erotic fiction for the price of paper.

With a few tiny tweaks, this might make a dynamite opening.

josephperin said:

After the fall of King Solomon’s temple back in God only knew what year, a few of the ancient Jews battled storms and pirates on the Arabian Sea on their way to a small sliver of land on India’s west coast. The locals proudly called their sun-kissed home God’s Own Country, and the youngest remaining descendant of God’s Own People in Cochin was about to make the trip in the opposite direction. [[Broad and general, but interesting enough for me.]] If the narrow streets weren’t so packed with buses and rickshaws and honking cars, Sid [[Wait, he's not Jewish, is he?]] might’ve had a prayer getting to the old Cohen home before Rahel sold her grandfather’s collection of classical erotic fiction for the price of paper. [[Well, NOW I'm interested!]]

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Bluntly spoken, I don't think this is it yet. However, it's pretty dang close. I didn't know there was a Jewish population in Cochin. I want to know more. Somebody dealing with Grandpa's erotic fiction is either going to face some interesting internal conflict, or is a confident person I want to read about. Also, Sid. I think you need to either start closer, or, since your style is to start further away, make the progression from overview to POV a bit longer and smoother.

Thanks, all. Since the first 2 books in the series opened with the city they were in, I thought of following the same pattern. Jewtown in Cochin is an interesting place. Lots of history, clearly.

The first opener I wrote for this story was entirely diff. The longer this Corona lockdown continues, the more bizarre the edits which occur to me.

I like your voice, but I first thought this was going to be a story about the ancient Jews who battled across the Arabian sea and settled in India. Then it wasn't and I was a bit confused about the time period. I also feel like you're trying to justify or explain the existence of a Jewish community in India. You don't need to do that. While I haven't heard of Cochin, I don't find it at all surprising that there'd be Jewish communities in India. All of this distracted me from Sid and the grandfather's erotic fiction, which would have got me hooked. Incidentally, I'd read the story of the Jews who crossed the Arabian sea to get to India too. If you want to include the history of the community because it's interesting, maybe insert it into the narrative as you go along once the setting is established.

This is the beginning of my prologue. Please, be gentle.

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire, who would have guessed,” Claire slurs, as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision. A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.

Don't see how one can watch "the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have" on one's vision. Is that like an out-of-body experience?

jcwriter said:

Don't see how one can watch "the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have" on one's vision. Is that like an out-of-body experience?

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You've never had that? Hmm, must be just me.

Hallo, question for you, is someone observing Claire or is this from her internal POV? I'm guessing she's being observed by another character. Just curious!

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It's third-person omniscient, and there are two other people in the room. If I was allowed a fourth sentence, you would have seen it. As for the grammar error, thanks. I'm terrible with it, as you can probably tell.

Hi, meeemossis. Just a couple of wee suggestions.

If she slurs and there's plonk nearby on the floor, allow the reader to put two and two together, especially when you also refer to a cake melting between her fingers. You have allowed the reader to assume she's watching TV, and from the dialogue we also assume she's not alone.

Whether or not our assumptions are correct, or whether an Omniscient POV is established depends on what follows, although it is preferable to establish the POV as early as possible. You could have established Omniscience by making it clearer that we were aware of what was going on in Claire's senses. The phrasing of that' hypnotic effect' sentence could be better. Claire will be watching the blurred scrolling of the end credits- not the hypnotic effect of them. She might be experiencing the hypnotic effect. Word choice can be criticical.

QUOTE=Meemossis;10631980]This is the beginning of my prologue. Please, be gentle.

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire [, whoJAS- . Who would have guessed[,Question mark- not comma]” Claire slurs, as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision. A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.[/QUOTE]

Bufty said:

Hi, meeemossis. Just a couple of wee suggestions.

If she slurs and there's plonk nearby on the floor, allow the reader to put two and two together, especially when you also refer to a cake melting between her fingers. You have allowed the reader to assume she's watching TV, and from the dialogue we also assume she's not alone.

Whether or not our assumptions are correct, or whether an Omniscient POV is established depends on what follows, although it is preferable to establish the POV as early as possible. You could have established Omniscience by making it clearer that we were aware of what was going on in Claire's senses. The phrasing of that' hypnotic effect' sentence could be better. Claire will be watching the blurred scrolling of the end credits- not the hypnotic effect of them. She might be experiencing the hypnotic effect. Word choice can be criticical.

QUOTE=Meemossis;10631980]This is the beginning of my prologue. Please, be gentle.

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire [, whoJAS- . Who would have guessed[,Question mark- not comma]” Claire slurs, as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision. A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.

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[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the input. It's amazing how much feedback you can get for just three sentences. In a way, I'm slightly scared about showing the rest of it.

Meemossis said:

Thanks for the input. It's amazing how much feedback you can get for just three sentences. In a way, I'm slightly scared about showing the rest of it.

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Nah- don't be scared. Nobody's going to eat you, and I'm just a big pussycat.

Meemossis said:

This is the beginning of my prologue. Please, be gentle.

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire, who would have guessed,” Claire slurs, as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision. A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.

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I liked it. I felt like i got a good description of Claire right off the bat. She's drunk, but she was prepared for drinking (Strawberry chocolate fansy). She's not rich, (Ceramic mug half filled with cheap plonk). I also like that she seems annoyed/not surprised by the ending of the movie. It makes me think she's getting over a breakup where some young woman just stole her man. I would read further.

Meemossis said:

This is the beginning of my prologue. Please, be gentle.

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire, who would have guessed,” Claire slurs, as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision. A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.

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I like this. Claire sounds like an interesting person. I like the drunken sarcasm, lol. There's not much story happening yet, but I'd read on for a bit to find out if there's a background to her drunken TV evening, or if something else happens.

There are a couple of adjectives that tripped me a little (nothing drastic though) - they're not adding much, so could be axed for brevity or replaces with ones that add more info. "cheap plonk" - is there any other kind of plonk? "ceramic mug" - is there any other kind of mug? Okay there are plastic mugs for camping but as the plastic ones are unusual, I'd be inclined to only specify what it's made of if it's plastic. Or something weirder. Depending on the tone you want to go for, you could jazz up the plonk with some more details, e.g. "Asda smart price plonk" (show the cheapness rather than just saying it's cheap - although plonk already says cheap), or some other detail about it that's interesting. Or use the mug to show something about her - is it a chipped mug? Is it one with her favourite film or team or something on it? However you don't really need either adjective. A mug half-full of plonk is already interesting and puts questions in my head like whether this is a decadence thing or an I can't afford wine glasses thing, or I don't care about social convention thing. Interesting, whatever way you look at it.

Meemossis said:

This is the beginning of my prologue. Please, be gentle.

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire, who would have guessed,” Claire slurs, as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision. A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.

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You want gentle? Okay: It's perfect. Send it to your publisher as is.

You want honest opinion (albeit a late one and probably of things already suggested )? Here goes:

“Oh, look. She fell for the handsome billionaire[.] [W]ho would have guessed[?]” Claire slurs [No need for a comma to precede prepositional phrases] as she watches the hypnotic effect the scrolling end credits have on her sozzled vision [scroll].
Actually, the paragraph above contains three sentences, because a comma splice occurs after "billionaire." Suggestions to shorten are because "slurs" and the fourth sentences we can't look at tells us she's in her cups pretty well .

A ceramic mug, half-filled with cheap plonk sits on the floor by her side, while a strawberry chocolate fancy melts between her fingertips.
By the rules, I'm not supposed to like this sentence, but I do. Notwithstanding the piddling little punctuation snafus, I like all of it and would read on.

neandermagnon said:

I like this. Claire sounds like an interesting person. I like the drunken sarcasm, lol. There's not much story happening yet, but I'd read on for a bit to find out if there's a background to her drunken TV evening, or if something else happens. There are a couple of adjectives that tripped me a little (nothing drastic though) - they're not adding much, so could be axed for brevity or replaces with ones that add more info. "cheap plonk" - is there any other kind of plonk? "ceramic mug" - is there any other kind of mug? Okay there are plastic mugs for camping but as the plastic ones are unusual, I'd be inclined to only specify what it's made of if it's plastic. Or something weirder. Depending on the tone you want to go for, you could jazz up the plonk with some more details, e.g. "Asda smart price plonk" (show the cheapness rather than just saying it's cheap - although plonk already says cheap), or some other detail about it that's interesting. Or use the mug to show something about her - is it a chipped mug? Is it one with her favourite film or team or something on it? However you don't really need either adjective. A mug half-full of plonk is already interesting and puts questions in my head like whether this is a decadence thing or an I can't afford wine glasses thing, or I don't care about social convention thing. Interesting, whatever way you look at it.

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I'm American, and I wouldn't have understood plonk without the word cheap preceding it. Also, mugs are made from a myriad of materials. The one I'm drinking from now is stoneware, the one I will take with me tomorrow is metal, and there are several other kinds in my cupboards. I can't tell you what they are made of. I'm not that smart.

WriteMinded said:

Also, mugs are made from a myriad of materials. The one I'm drinking from now is stoneware, the one I will take with me tomorrow is metal, and there are several other kinds in my cupboards. I can't tell you what they are made of. I'm not that smart.

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That could actually be a character revealer. Is Claire the sort who would know her mug is ceramic as opposed to stoneware?

. . . I just remembered you're writing in omni. Whoops.

We'll start a new thread shortly.