Bad Joke Thread

I heard a good one in while tutoring in Physical Science class. This belongs to a Freshman boy named Thorin--yes, after the Tolkien character. (Old Hippy grandparents, I'm guessing.) He usually registers more annoying than witty so everyone was caught off guard.

The teacher was trying to explain metal alloys to the class. We had watched a video on making steel. I was busy trying to translate the gist of the video for my Non-English speaking student, so I was losing myself in the translation and wasn't listening closely. The kids were puzzled as to the difference between iron and steel. The teacher finally declared " No, the Iron Horse was really made of steel!"

There was a pause while the kids--all about 14--digested this fact. Thorin quipped "Wow! That is IRON-ic." There was a startled second and then all 3 adults cracked up followed by the kids. The English teacher is also having a hard time explaining irony so it was especially funny for us aides. Good one, Thorin! And his nickname "Thorin Oaken Head" seems to be fading away. --s6

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

"I'm stuffed."

What did the turkey say to the computer?

"Google, Google"

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?

Feed him lots of pizza.

Why does a pilgrims pants always fall down?

They wear the buckle on their hat.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

One turkey to another watching the Mayflower dock at Plymouth Rock: "They look like nice folks. Once settled, maybe they’ll have us for dinner."

How do you make a water buffalo?

2 hydrogen buffaloes and one oxygen buffalo.

The preacher was hot and heavy in his sermon about the evils of alcohol:

"We're gonna throw all the wine into the river! Then we'll throw all the whisky and beer into the river! Now we'll hear an inspiring hymn from our choir."

"Shall we gather at the river..."

What do you call a lady with one leg longer then the other?

Eileen

How do ducks celebrate Christmas?

They go to the ballet and see the Nut-Quacker!

Cobalt Jade said:

Nut-Quacker!

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Offensive in Duck country (let's don't even go there about beavers ). Don't make me counter with Husky and Cougar jokes.

A sex ed teacher draws something on the board then asks the class "Who can tell me what this is?" Dirty Johnny raises his hand and says "I can, that's a penis." "Very good Johnny, how did you know that?" "Because my father has two of them," he responds. The teacher, confused, asks "Two of them? Are you sure about that?" Johnny says "Yeah, he has the small one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitters teeth."

A wife yells at her husband "GET OUT!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK!!" The husband starts to leave and just as he is walking out the door the wife yells "I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW, MISERABLE, PAINFUL DEATH!" The husband looks back at her and says "so now you want me to stay?"

What do you call a pig that's tumbling down a hill? -- Bacon Roll

A pony comes in to the stable and greets the others with a croaky voice. One of the stallions asks if he's ill. He replies, 'No, I'm just a little horse."

RookieWriter said:

A guy goes into a restaurant and says "I'd like to order the Polish sausage." The waiter says "Oh, well you must be Polish!" Customer says "now I find that offensive and racist. If I said I wanted French Fries would you say I was French?" "No," the waiter says confused. "No you wouldn't. If I ordered a Belgium Waffle would you say I must be Belgium?" "No," the waiter says still confused. "That's right you wouldn't. So why would you then say that I must be Polish because I ordered a Polish sausage?" The waiter says "Rob, you're my brother. Our whole family is Polish."

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I recently read that one in five on earth is Chinese. There are five in my family. It isn't my mom. it isn't my dad. It isn't me, It isn't my brother Nigel, nor my brother Wing Fat.

Doctor: "You have a heart problem"

Me: Murmer?

Doctor: mmksdlfjsfdns

=====================

I just received my box of Jamaican hair extensions...It was dreadful.

Sometimes ain't a handicap.

What do zombies eat with Christmas dinner?

Grave-y.


What do you call a greedy elf?

Elfish.


Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho, ho, ho.


Why did Santa tell his daughter to leave the house?

He wants to keep her off the pole.


A guy gets his mother in law a cemetery plot for Christmas. The next year he doesn't get her anything for Christmas. She asks "why didn't you get me a Christmas gift this year?" He says "because you never used the one I got you last year."


A husband comes home and see's his wife naked on the floor with a man wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Husband says "who the hell is that??" Wife says "he knocked on the door looking for charity and asked if I had anything that wasn't being used."


A writer gets a job working as a mall Santa for three weeks. Kids kick him, pull on his beard and hair, throw up on him, he works long hours with no breaks for very little money and begins to develop a rash from the fake beard. His friend, also a writer, asks him "how is the new job?" He says "it's nice to have something steady."


Merry Christmas!!

How to impress a woman

Wine her
dine her
take her breakfast in bed
by her diamonds
always tell the truth
remember her birthday
compliment her
keep the seat up
invite your mother-in-law for dinner
always tell her you love her
buy her flowers
take the trash out without asking
iron your own shirts
vacuum the floors
help her hang curtains
take her to romantic movies
put up your own clothes
go to the ends of the earth for her

How to impress a man:

Come naked, bring pizza and beer and don't block the TV

RookieWriter said:

Why did Santa tell his daughter to leave the house?

He wants to keep her off the pole.

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What's her name? Ms. Clausdottír?

Guitarist Sting has been kidnapped.








The Police have no lead.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

Wonky

A son asks "dad, why do they call them St. Louis ribs?"

Father says "because they come out of the oven in a curved shape arch."

A woman asks her husband "do these pants make my butt look too big?"
"Do you want an honest answer or reassurance," her husband asks
"I want an honest answer."
"You have to promise that if I tell you the truth you will not get angry at me no matter what I say," he says very seriously.
"I promise not to get angry," she says also seriously.
He says "I'm having an affair with your sister."
She screams "WHAT???"
"You promised not to get mad no matter what I said!"

A few more books

"Under the Bleachers" by Seymour Butts
"Weeds in my Yard" by Dan D. Lion
"Don't Lock the Lavatory" by I. P. Freely
"Return my Umbrella" by Wendy Day

Ok, ok... I'll stop

What do you call a romantic eel in the waters off the Italian coast?




"That's a moray"