Bad Joke Thread

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Keithy

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OK no rib-ticklers allowed here, only groans.

Here's some to start you off:

Two pelicans were standing by a river. One said to the other "that's a good fish you've got there". The other replied "Well, it fits the bill"

Why couldn't the pony call for help? Because it was a little horse.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Who put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died? He pasta way.

Milk is the fastest liquid on earth: its pasteurized before you even see it
 

Frankie007

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
 

Lavern08

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LJD

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What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell
 

Layla Nahar

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A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog stand and says 'can you make me one with everything?'
 

Keithy

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I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.

If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t a notion.
 
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Jason

Ideas bounce around in my head
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Piece of string tried to buy beer the other day. Laws against that, so when he threw cash on the counter and started to walk out, the cashier cried out "Hey ain't you a lousy piece of string!"

To which the string replied, "Nope, I'm a frayed not..."
 
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Maryn

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Nacho cheese.
 

mrsmig

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Q: What's brown and wrinkled and lives in a cathedral tower?

A: The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
 

Jason

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When getting a driving lesson, Suzie had never encountered a traffic light before. So, she asked her instructor, "What does the yellow light mean?"

The instructor, writing away on their clipboard, responded, "Slow down."

Suzie shrugged, "Whaaaaaat doooooooooes the yelllllooooooow liiiiiight meeeeeeeannnnn?"
 

possiblerobot

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Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
 

Chase

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LJD

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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
 

Haggis

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Mod Note:

Normally I would port a joke thread to the humor forum. But upon further review, all y'all gotta raise the bar before I inflict this thread on them.

BTW, do you remember the time a Chihuahua limped into the saloon and said to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the man whut shot my paw."
 

Keithy

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What does a cat riding a motorbike sound like? Meeeeeoooww!

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth? Someday my prints will come!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
 

Ketzel

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How do you get down off an elephant? You don't get down off an elephant, you get down off a duck.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
 

possiblerobot

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StoryG27

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What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.



Two cows are talking in field while grazing. One says, "I've heard there's been a new outbreak of mad cow disease." The other cow says, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."
 

Keithy

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What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
 

JimmyB27

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I'm particularly fond of the shaggy dog story form of the awful joke. A couple of my favourites:

Young Barry was not the most successful when it came to women. After several years of loneliness, he finally met his perfect woman - Lorraine. Several joyous months passed for Barry. he and Lorraine were perfect for each other. He loved her smile, her sense of humour, everything about her was perfect.
Six months into their budding relationship, and things were already beginning to look much less perfect. Lorraine was becoming frustrated with some of Barry's more nerdy hobbies, the video games, the comic books. She couldn't understand how he could love these things that she saw as childish. Barry, meanwhile, couldn't understand Lorraine's obsession with trying to make him wear fashionable clothing. What was wrong with his ancient, faded jeans and his Game of Thrones T-shirt anyway?
One night, Barry was out on the town with the lads, when he happened to meet another young lady by the name of Claire-Leigh at a club. He was a little tipsy, and found himself chatting and even flirting a little with the beautiful girl, almost forgetting Lorraine. Claire-Leigh, it seeemed, was every bit as nerdy as Barry, and he found the time with her flying by as they chatted about the latest video games and the argued good-naturedly about whether Marvel or DC was the best.
Eventually, the lights in the club came on - it was closing time. Seeing his friends had already gone, Barry offered to walk Claire-Leigh home. She accepted and they walked together to her front door. They said goodnight, and Claire-Leigh surprised Barry as she pulled him to her for a goodnight kiss. Before he left, she grabbed his wrist and scribbled her phone number onto his arm, with a little heart.
The next morning, Barry awoke with a little hangover, but nothing too bad. He felt a little guilty about flirting with Claire-Leigh and kissing her, but nothing had really happened. He resolved to tell Lorraine about it to absolve his guilt. Surely she would understand? She didn't. It was the last straw. Lorraine told him she didn't want to see him anymore. They were breaking up.
She left a distraught Barry alone in his flat. He supposed it had been inevitable, they were too dissimilar, but it still hurt. Then he looked down at his arm, at the number scrawled there. And he realised something. Something that made him happy. So happy, he burst into song...
"I can see Claire-Leigh, now Lorraine has gone!"

----

It was a rare, bright, sunny day in the Scottish Highlands, and John Smith was enjoying his holiday, exploring the beautiful landscape.
He paused for a moment, leaning against a stone wall and taking a long drink from his water bottle.
As he stood, there, taking in the scenery, an older gentleman in a wax jacket, with a border collie at his heel approached and wished him a good afternoon. John nodded a greeting and took another drink. "Beautiful day for it" he said. "Aye, that it is, that it is." the man replied. After a short silence, he spoke again. "Ya see this here wall, laddie?" John indicated that, yes, he could indeed see the very wall he was leaning on. "This wall, laddie, it stretches for five miles, right tae the border of the McAngus property. And I built the whole thing wi' me own bare hands. "But do they call me Hamish the wall builder? No, they dinnae." John wasn't sure how to respond to this, so he merely shrugged and said "I see". Hamish continued.
"You see the barn over yonder? I built that barn with me own two hands when the previous one was taken down in the great storm of '86. I built the previous one as well." "With your own bare hands?" interjected John. "Aye laddie, aye! Wi' me own bare hands. But do they call me Hamish the barn builder? Nae, laddie, they dinnae."
He pointed to the coast. "On a clear day such as this, ya ought to be able to see the wee jetty at the end of the road down there." John indicate that, yes, he could just about make out the jetty. "I built that jetty wi' me own two hands, and three others like it hereabouts. "But do they call me Hamish the jetty builder? Nae, they dinnae."
"The jetties, the barns. They was built wi' timber I cut my own self from the forest over yonder. I felled the trees, hauled them oot o' the forest, cut them intae planks. "But do they call me Hamish the tree feller?"
"I don't suppose they do?" ventured John.
"You'd suppose right laddie."

Hamish sighed a deep, mournful sigh.
"But ya shag one sheep..."
 
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KateSmash

this was a triumph
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Why are gardeners such gossips? Because they know all the dirt.
 
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