Bad Joke Thread

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karrots

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What do you get when you throw a yellow rock into blue water?

A wet rock.
 

eastallegheny

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I sold a woman a magazine subscription at work, then told her she should call me if she had any issues...

JANE: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
MICHAEL: What's the name of his other leg?
(Credit to Mary Poppins!)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock?
(Who's there?)
The chicken.
 

Maryn

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You're obviously going to fit in here very well, eastallegheny!

I heard this one Sunday: He's so dumb it takes him an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes."
 

Keithy

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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because in the distance they look like hares.
 

mccardey

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Why did the chicken cross the road softly?

Because it was just a baby chick and it couldn't walk hardly.
 

be frank

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A man goes to see his doctor because there's a strawberry growing out of his head.

"Don't worry," says the doctor, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
 

JimmyB27

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So, there's this horse, right, and he's getting kind of fed up with his lot in life. Every day, he just sits there in his stable, watching TV, occasionally getting drunk with his friends Pig and Sheep. One day, he's watching MTV, and our story is set in the good old days when MTV still showed music videos.
So he's watching this rock band, and he thinks to himself 'wish I could do that'. And it's been a heavy night with Pig and Sheep, so he's pretty drunk, so he decides to call up a guitar teacher.
"Look, I know this is pretty stupid," he slurs over the phone, "me with these big hooves and all, but I really, really wanna learn how to play guitar."
So the guy says, "sure, no worries. We've come a long way in the field of animal musicianry, come see me tomorrow and I'll fix you up. Have you playing like Hendrix in no time."
The guy is true to his word, and within a few months, Horse is getting pretty good. Pig is over one day and he notices the difference and Horse tells him all about it. And Pig goes "that's a great idea! I wanna learn the drums!"
So he calls up the music teacher and says "look, I know this is pretty dumb, me with these stupid trotters, I can barely hold a knife and fork, let alone drumsticks. But I really want to learn."
And the guys tells him "no worries, I have a lot of experience of teaching pigs - it's a lot easier than teaching them to fly, that's for sure! Come in tomorrow and I'll have you outdrumming John Bonham in no time.
Sure enough, the pig goes to see they man and in a few months he and Horse are jamming pretty well together.
Finally they get around to telling Sheep, and he's pretty mad. "Why didn't you guys tell me? I've always wanted to be in a band!"
"Well, we could use a bassist" says Horse, handing over the music teacher extraordinaire's telephone number.
So sheep phones the guy up and says "Look, I know it's dumb, what with me being a sheep and all, but I really wanna play bass."
And the guy says, "no worries! We get that all the time. Come see me tomorrow and I'll have you playing like Roger Waters in no time."
Once again, the fella is true to his word, and within a few more months, the three are making a pretty good band and starting to get small gigs together.
One night, after a particularly well received gig in a big pub in London, they're approached by a record producer who wants to sign them up. Naturally, they're all ecstatic, and they agree to read the contract. A few days later, when it all looks good, they sign and they're on the way to the top!
A couple of chart topping albums later, and our plucky trio are on their way to their first international gig in Italy. This poses a problem as Horse reveals he's afraid of flying. Eventually, it's agreed that Pig and Sheep will fly down ahead of Horse, while he drives down through the channel tunnel and meets them in time for the big gig.
He drives them both to the airport and sees them off before climbing in his car to start his long drive. Just as he's waiting at the Eurostar terminal, he gets a call from their manager.
"Listen Horse," he says, "I've got some bad news. The plane Pig and Sheep were on crashed into the sea. There weren't any survivors."
Horse is naturally devastated, so he repairs to the closest drinking establishment. As he pulls up a bar stool, the bartender comes over, takes one look at him and says..."Hey buddy, why the long face?"
 

Maryn

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ThomasH

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I love a bad joke - I'm the one in any group who chimes in with a terrible pun in the midst of normal conversation.

Here's my contribution to this terrible (excellent) thread:

A man walked into a bar. Bonk.
What's on the outside of a dogwood tree? Bark!
Did you hear what happened to the world famous Italian chef? He pasta way.
What happened to the man who wouldn't stop making puns? He was punished.
 

00Pepper

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Q: What should you call a truly average potato?


A: A commentator.
 

Cyia

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This is your fault, 00Pepper. You made me think potatoes.

What do you call potatoes that go to the dark side?
A: Vader tots

What do you call stolen yams?
A: Hot potatoes

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
A: It's a lot easier to mash potatoes.

Why is it impossible to sneak up on a farm?
A: The corn has ears. The potatoes have eyes. The beans will stalk you.
 

Buzz Nichols

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How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking...JK! Rolling!

What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Control freak. Now you say, "control freak, who?"
 

00Pepper

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This is your fault, 00Pepper. You made me think potatoes.

What do you call potatoes that go to the dark side?
A: Vader tots

What do you call stolen yams?
A: Hot potatoes

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
A: It's a lot easier to mash potatoes.

Why is it impossible to sneak up on a farm?
A: The corn has ears. The potatoes have eyes. The beans will stalk you.

Hahahaha :greenie

(I lurve me some taters!)
 

porlock

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"You say you don't like the Marines?"
"Yeah, I'm rotten to the corps."
 

Maryn

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My first out-loud laugh of the day, Sam!
 

PNW_Michelle

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This is the best thread EVER! I have a few:

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

If they fell forward they would still be in the boat

.....

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and don't tell jokes.

.....

A woman walks into a library and asks "do you have any books about paranoia?"

The librarian says "they're right behind you"
 

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism
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past_present_tense.jpg
 

Cobalt Jade

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Q: What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A: A Zippo is a little lighter....
 

Keithy

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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the archives.
 

BenPanced

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I sold a woman a magazine subscription at work, then told her she should call me if she had any issues...

JANE: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
MICHAEL: What's the name of his other leg?
(Credit to Mary Poppins!)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock?
(Who's there?)
The chicken.

IS THAT ANOTHER CHICKEN JOKE?!
 

LuaVerena

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Did you hear that historians have discovered the original key that pirates sang shanties in? Aye, they sang in the high C
 

porlock

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I've heard with Girl Scout cookies they don't use real Girl Scouts. Wonder if it's the same with baby food?
 

Keithy

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I've heard with Girl Scout cookies they don't use real Girl Scouts. Wonder if it's the same with baby food?

There's a brand of toilet tissue here called "kitten soft".
 
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